Anxiety/Agoraphobia and Alcohol Use Disorder?
 

I posted for my first time in the general "New to Recovery" forum about my ex-boyfriend. There, I explained that he struggles with alcohol and that he stopped speaking to me after I gently confronted him about his alcohol use. The responses I received were so helpful and they explained that he's probably in denial about his alcohol addiction, he has simply chosen his drug of choice (alcohol) over me, and that he simply did not want to, and/or is not ready, to hear what I had to say. I totally agree.

My question for this forum, and I should have added this information to my other question, is that I noticed when we were newly dating how extremely -- extremely -- nervous he was. An incident I will always remember is when we were newly dating and we were in my kitchen and we were having a totally casual conversation about home renovation (e.g., brick versus stone fireplace) after work one day. We were not on a date, we were super casually dressed, my friendly dogs were there, and he was just dropping off a tool I wanted to borrow. It was the most casual setting ever. And I could just tell he was so nervous. At one point I saw him grab the kitchen counter, almost like he was dizzy. Later, when we were texting about something else, and I could tell he was drinking at his house, he admitted that he had been so nervous that he was dizzy, in part because he could "barely breathe" and that his breathing was "irregular." (We are in our mid-40s so this is not a situation where he's never been on a date before.)

Several times when we were talking on the phone or texting and I could tell he had been heavily drinking (due to slurring if on the phone; mis-spelled texts if he was texting), he'd admit that he had been "so nervous," "so nervous he could barely breathe," "so nervous it made him dizzy," "so nervous he couldn't remember all the stuff he wanted to tell me," and "so nervous that he forgot to ask me things he wanted to ask me." I was sad when he drank so much ... but the one thing I will say is that when he was drinking he did share (seemingly honestly, but what do I know) how he was feeling (i.e, nervous).

As I mentioned in my first post, he is my ex-boyfriend because whenever we had plans to do something, he'd blow me off or cancel and then stay at home and drink. When I gently confronted him about his alcohol use, he stopped talking to me.

The other thing I wanted to share before I asked my question is that, if he actually did show up for plans we had, instead of not showing up, he'd bring a friend. He's in construction, so he'd bring a loyal laborer or he'd bring his boss with whom he is good friends. If his friend was there, he was comfortable, laughing, casual, at ease. If he was alone, he was just so beyond nervous and it was like he was a completely different person.

The question I have for those in this forum is about the relationship between alcoholism and anxiety (or maybe agoraphobia)? Does anyone here struggle with both? Do you think my ex struggles with both? Is it the anxiety that maybe is linked to the need to self-medicate? Or is it the drinking that makes one anxious? Or do you think they are totally separate? Given that he always blew me off to stay at home and drink (not to go to a bar, not to go out with friends, not to go out to drink, but to stay at home to drink), maybe this is agoraphobia?

Or is the staying home simply a way of ensuring that no one knows/sees how much he drinks and a way to drink without interference. And, is the nervousness just a way to get me off his back about (and he never said this but I'm just wondering) why he drinks?

I drank in part to quell anxiety, which, of course, backfired when the withdrawal anxiety kicked in. :(

I don't have a clue as to why your ex bf behaved the way he did, but he seems to have a lot of issues. I hope you can blossom when you're not under the shadow of dealing with his drinking and behavior. :hug:

Welcome to SR, this answer may be a little short but I hope that anything shared with you here is insightful. I drank to quell my anxiety, to lift my spirits from depression, to calm my nerves, and to fill a hole in my soul that nothing could ever truly fill other than God. I was a bundle of nerves in relationships and the more I drank, the more I needed to drink to mask my feelings and emotions. For me, it became an endless cycle for 27 years, and in the end I isolated more to hide the shame I was feeling.

Yeah, what Astro said.

Your ex guy could have all kinds of trauma related to relationships, he could just be way far along on the alcoholism spectrum or there could be underlying mental health issues.


He's an ex, I think you'll be happier if you stop trying to analyze him in absentia. We alcoholics don't really understand it all that well ourselves and my thoughts are why spend any more of your life on analyzing this?

There are never really answers in any breakup and certainly that goes triple for substance abusers.

Least, thank you so much. I already feel potential blossoming after joining SR. I felt so alone just because I knew so little about all of this but just knowing (maybe?) it's not (just) personal to me has started to lift a huge weight off my shoulders.

Astro, that is so helpful. "To fill a hole in my soul that nothing could ever truly fill..." My heart goes out to you -- I've felt that way for so long and have for so long tried to fill that hole but didn't have the words to describe how I felt. You put it so beautifully. Thank you for your inspiration and thank you for the words of description.

BiminiBlue. Yes. You are right. I don't know why I need someone to point this out to me, but apparently I do, and I am grateful for you doing that.

I'm the kind of person who likes to know why as well. Although sometimes we can't get all the answers, sometimes they are available and I think that can be helpful for some.

If you visit the alcoholism forums here you will see anxiety and depression mentioned over and over and I've seen it myself. So it could just be self medicating. How many of us were brave enough in say our teens or 20s to just boldly go out in to the world? Some people are, some aren't. There are different reasons why people drink but self medicating surely must be near the top of the list. Not everyone has equal coping mechanisms and alcohol can mask fear and anxiety.

As Least touched on, once you are addicted to alcohol, anxiety can be one of the many symptoms of withdrawal, on top of what may already be there. So that could be it.

The alcoholic (or any addict) will generally choose alcohol over you pretty much any time, especially when he is as far along in his addiction as your description shows.

That has absolutely nothing to do with you personally.

Trailmix, thank you so much. I didn't know anxiety was a symptom of alcohol withdrawal. Also, I too (even though I'm so new to all of this) had the gut feeling he is far along in his addiction. I've taken this so beyond personally and your note helps relieve a little bit of that pain.

Hi Okrunner,
A few scenarios popped into my head while I was reading your post. Maybe your ex was sober when he would visit you and the withdrawal anxiety was bad. Maybe he does have an underlying anxiety disorder and he drinks to quell his emotions. Maybe you made him nervous. Maybe he has relationship issues and thats a source of some of the anxiety.
For me, I'm still early in sobriety, but at 4 months and A LOT of reading and therapists, I've learned that the majority of people with alcohol use disorder also have underlying anxiety or depression. For me, the post acute anxiety is 1000x worse than my baseline disorder and I NEVER EVEN HAD DEPRESSION before I quit drinking. I think it's just the lack of alcohol to drown my brain in and my brain is mad about it. Yes I talk about my alcohol use disorder like its a seperate person lol
I've learned that AUD and mental health disorders and so intertwined and symptoms overlap and make it hard to seperate one from the other but if I had to guess, I'd say he has both. I never even knew I was drinking to get relief from emotions. Only now after being sober for a little bit of time am I learning how closely connected all these disorders are.

Sometimes I forget these things, so thank you trailmix for this reminder. Yes, I chose alcohol over my first two wives, and over so many relationships before those marriages, and of course I acted surprised when they moved on to someone else, but more importantly just away from me. Can I blame them? Of course not.

Hi Rab12345,

Congratulations on your four months of sobriety, that is just so wonderful! I love that you talk about your AUD like a separate person!

Your response is so helpful. Thank you so much. Yes, we spent a lot of time together outside or at my house (due to COVID, I've worked from home since March 1) in the early afternoons but by 3-4 pm, he was very, very anxious and that kitchen scenario was at that time. I wondered -- but I know so little about how alcohol works - he couldn't be going into withdrawal or thinking about withdrawal that early if he had been drinking through, say, 10-11 pm the prior night? Or could he? The reason I ask is that he would get up super early and be at work by 5 am but always be done by 3-4 pm and once he was home -- he was home (and drinking within five minutes thereafter) and didn't go back out, no matter what, until he got up to go to work at 5 am.

As BiminiBlue said, I need to stop analyzing him in abstentia and move on (I agree), but the "I like to learn" in me just has me wondering about the relationship between AUD and depression and/or anxiety more generally and in his case in particular.

Thank you again.

Absolutely withdrawal can start within hours of stopping drinking, so to answer your question he was probably withdrawing then. It actually sounds like it from your description.

It can come on that soon, some people drink until they go to bed and have a drink or two right away in the morning to stave off withdrawal.

It's not just thinking about having a drink. Although alcoholism has a strong mental component much of that is driven by the body's addiction to it. Alcohol changes the brain. His mind is screaming for it when it is deprived of it. The quick solution is to have a drink.

Also, it isn't just withdrawal that causes anxiety. He is there with you in the kitchen, is there any opportunity for a drink? He's feeling uncomfortable, no drinks in sight. Alcoholics think about drinking when they are drinking and when they aren't. How much alcohol do I have in the house? Is it enough to get me through until the store opens tomorrow? What if I run out? I'm going over to see someone, can I have a few drinks before? No. Will there be drinks there?

You get the idea.

Any time! I'm learning about all of this as I live it. If you read through many threads on here you will see that for some people, their alcoholism got so bad that they would fall asleep drunk and wake up and drink to calm the tremors and anxiety they woke up with. That to me is definitely alcohol withdrawal. It never got to that point with me...but for so many people it does. My anxiety also almost disappears when my mind is busy and I'm around people, so that could be the case with him. He's not anxious when hes at work because he's occupied. I don't know if that's what was happening...this is just my opinion.

Trailmix, this is so helpful. I think that's it or at least part of it? I have zero alcohol in my home. My problem is my diet, so I have lots of chocolate/snacks/chips you name it, but zero alcohol because I just don't like the taste of it. (I giggle because one time on our first date he opened my fridge and looked in disbelief at the rows and rows of cute flavored carbonated waters. He said he head never seen a fridge without beer in his entire life. The look on his face was priceless.)

But, seriously, he always preferred to be at his house (where he has a full blown bar with a bottle of every type of alcohol possible) and he lives a block from a liquor store. When he canceled dates with me, he'd never go out. Instead, he'd always just stay home and drink. Sometimes alone.Sometimes his immature drinking buddies would come over. But home is where he preferred to be.

lol - yes, well now you know that is a red flag! If you have someone over and they look in your fridge and are shocked that there is no alcohol - that's a clue right there.

I also rarely if ever keep alcohol around, do drink but rarely. Certainly never have beer in my fridge and wouldn't expect to necessarily find it in anyone's either, that's a different outlook.

Also, the drinking at home alone or with drinking buddies - yes, there is no judgement there. There can be a lot of shame in alcoholism, I mean society in general doesn't have a very helpful view of addiction so people tend to hide it, from society and sometimes they try to hide it from those nearest to them.

Also, it's safer (and cheaper!) to drink at home when you know you are going to drink excessively.

BiminiBlue, I took to heart what you said about not examining my ex in abstentia. And then I started going to virtual Al-Anon meetings shortly after you posted and now I'm on page 58 (Feb. 27) of One Day at a Time and it says, "I will not waste time and energy trying to 'figure out the alcoholic.' I will concentrate on figuring out why I do what I do."

:) I get it. :)

OKrunner, I hope you can find some peace of mind. :hug: Take good care of yourself. :hug:

I read stories like yours and it makes me so glad I don't drink anymore. :)

That's a somewhat complicated question. Many people with mental health issues may develop AUD. On the other hand, many alcoholics didn't have mental health problems until they quit drinking - it can vary so much.

I can say for me, I started having panic attacks when I was 12. I'm 39 now, and have experienced pretty much everything anxiety related, including bouts of agoraphobia. I also live with emetophobia (fear of vomiting) so my brain is just a joy! Lol.

I know he's your x now, but if you speak it wouldn't hurt to ask him about anxiety or panic. The truth is, mental health issues can be a lot like addiction - until you are ready to deal with it you won't. I started drinking recklessly at 28 and spent 10 years avoiding my mental health drama. Now that I'm sober AND treating my mental health, I'm in a great place 💜

I just wanted to post a quick update in case there any newbies (like myself) who are still figuring this all out and have no idea the extent to which you are or (may be) being lied to by your alcoholic.

Remember above I said my AXBF would frequently come over with a friend, his boss, or one of his laborers? And I thought it was because he had anxiety? And I asked you all about the relationship between drinking and anxiety (and vice versa) so I could be more compassionate?

I learned today that my AXBF was driving on a revoked driver's license. That is, he no longer had a driver's license. Not due to a DUI (which, I also found out today, he had two of, in 2009 and 2012, along with three domestic abuses in 2004, 2005, and 2006, and many other things I never, ever knew about). But his driver's license is revoked due to unpaid child support (when he is working and making sufficient money to pay child support). So, anyway, he'd frequently have friends drive him places since he didn't have a license. And then he'd risk it when they weren't available and that's why he was so nervous (I guess).

And I never knew. And I have many degrees. One from a medical school and one from a law school. And I'm pretty perceptive. The hits keep on coming.

I've read no less than three months in ODAT tonight to try to keep from exploding as I figure all this out and nothing is working and I'm feeling so manipulated/lied to, etc.

Thanks for listening.

It took me quite a few years in AA, Al-Anon, and CoDA to learn how to keep the focus on "my side of the street" and being accountable for my actions as the alcoholic. There are still days when I want to point the finger at my ex's actions, but for me that's only self-punishment, she's not there anymore and I'm not going to get her or anyone else to see my side of things and to right the wrongs I feel were done to me. I hope you'll keep reading ODAAT and continue to work on yourself, in time it did bring me to having peace in my life, and allowed me to leave behind the wreckage of my past.

I'm sorry you're still obsessing over this.

I mean, I get it. I've been known to be an internet sleuth when it comes to exes, and maybe we just have to do some of that - but I wish I hadn't done it. It feels dirty somehow and slithery and I really didn't (don't) need to know about stuff. I put it in my own head and then I can't get rid of it. I liked it better before the internet when I would break up with someone and then not give them space in my head. The clean break is so much better.

People lie. They hide their worst secrets. I've found out shocking things about men I've been seeing for months. It's an awful feeling. I guess what I learned was to go VERY slowly with new people and guard my heart. I also trust my spidey senses now. I can usually suss out if someone is acting, "off," if I give it some time. They can't keep up pretenses for very long. But just in case, s l o w l y.

I hope you'll stop looking. It sounds like it's a very good thing that he's gone. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.