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Anxiety/Agoraphobia and Alcohol Use Disorder?

Old 12-08-2020, 02:18 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Points very well taken. Thank you both for reminding me.

Astro, it's so hard for the Al-Anon/ODAT stuff to sink in and, more importantly, stay. I read it (e.g., focus on me, that's all I can change) and it not only makes sense but brings me joy because not only is it helpful but it's so simple -- but then the next day it falls out. It's almost like I'd have to read the literature 24/7 for it to stick? I guess patience and persistence with the literature will help.

BiminiBlue, thank you, too. Thank you for understanding. You are right, of course. It also is an awful feeling. I guess the most painful part is the realization that our whole relationship was just ... a lie. It was built on ... nothing. That's just the hardest part. That I put my truth and my brutal honesty (warts and all) and my heart out there and ... it was all a bunch of lies. It never really existed.

I'll continue with my Al-Anon group, my literature, etc. That's all I can do.
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Old 12-09-2020, 06:14 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Well, I'm pretty sure reading the literature 24/7 would drive me to madness but after 15 years of recovery I still make a point of reading recovery-related material at least once a day, it helps keep it ingrained in me and provides me with a topic or thought to meditate on.
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Old 11-24-2021, 07:53 PM
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Originally Posted by OKRunner View Post
I posted for my first time in the general "New to Recovery" forum about my ex-boyfriend. There, I explained that he struggles with alcohol and that he stopped speaking to me after I gently confronted him about his alcohol use. The responses I received were so helpful and they explained that he's probably in denial about his alcohol addiction, he has simply chosen his drug of choice (alcohol) over me, and that he simply did not want to, and/or is not ready, to hear what I had to say. I totally agree.

My question for this forum, and I should have added this information to my other question, is that I noticed when we were newly dating how extremely -- extremely -- nervous he was. An incident I will always remember is when we were newly dating and we were in my kitchen and we were having a totally casual conversation about home renovation (e.g., brick versus stone fireplace) after work one day. We were not on a date, we were super casually dressed, my friendly dogs were there, and he was just dropping off a tool I wanted to borrow. It was the most casual setting ever. And I could just tell he was so nervous. At one point I saw him grab the kitchen counter, almost like he was dizzy. Later, when we were texting about something else, and I could tell he was drinking at his house, he admitted that he had been so nervous that he was dizzy, in part because he could "barely breathe" and that his breathing was "irregular." (We are in our mid-40s so this is not a situation where he's never been on a date before.)

Several times when we were talking on the phone or texting and I could tell he had been heavily drinking (due to slurring if on the phone; mis-spelled texts if he was texting), he'd admit that he had been "so nervous," "so nervous he could barely breathe," "so nervous it made him dizzy," "so nervous he couldn't remember all the stuff he wanted to tell me," and "so nervous that he forgot to ask me things he wanted to ask me." I was sad when he drank so much ... but the one thing I will say is that when he was drinking he did share (seemingly honestly, but what do I know) how he was feeling (i.e, nervous).

As I mentioned in my first post, he is my ex-boyfriend because whenever we had plans to do something, he'd blow me off or cancel and then stay at home and drink. When I gently confronted him about his alcohol use, he stopped talking to me.

The other thing I wanted to share before I asked my question is that, if he actually did show up for plans we had, instead of not showing up, he'd bring a friend. He's in construction, so he'd bring a loyal laborer or he'd bring his boss with whom he is good friends. If his friend was there, he was comfortable, laughing, casual, at ease. If he was alone, he was just so beyond nervous and it was like he was a completely different person.

The question I have for those in this forum is about the relationship between alcoholism and anxiety (or maybe agoraphobia)? Does anyone here struggle with both? Do you think my ex struggles with both? Is it the anxiety that maybe is linked to the need to self-medicate? Or is it the drinking that makes one anxious? Or do you think they are totally separate? Given that he always blew me off to stay at home and drink (not to go to a bar, not to go out with friends, not to go out to drink, but to stay at home to drink), maybe this is agoraphobia?

Or is the staying home simply a way of ensuring that no one knows/sees how much he drinks and a way to drink without interference. And, is the nervousness just a way to get me off his back about (and he never said this but I'm just wondering) why he drinks?

was intimacy with him ever a problem? Don't answer that if you don't want to, but maybe he had issues being with women?
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