Sam31p

Phew, what a time that has passed since my last post.

Have I been drunk since my last post? Nope. Have I drunk since my last post? Yes.

Since last posting I've had a massive think about my life again. I've been in touch with the Samaritans and been viewing mental health sites.

I've started developing a mentality that I don't care what anyone else thinks, says or does (in a good way). Typically I go out, symptoms shatter things, I feel low, embarrassed and turn to drink to self medicate.

Actually though, what I've been thinking recently is does it matter? Does it matter if I'm shaking and so on? It's not nice and does prevent me socialising, but where I live isn't the sort of place to socialise. It's a small town and people just keep themselves to themselves, so even if I didn't have symptoms, I wouldn't be able to be a part of the community anyway.

With that being said, since last posting I've been out loads, keeping that mindset and facts in my head. I've been to a coffee shop 3 times, had the coffee and came home (no drinks), got food shopping in twice and have been walking the dog every day.... Things I haven't achieved in years.

By all means, ale is a massive passion of mine. The taste, history behind the brewers and different varieties, but drinking to self medicate like I have been isn't enjoying it, it's misusing it and once drunk it's just a liquid I'm pouring into myself to become even more drunk.

Planning ahead has been a thing. Making a plan for tomorrow then thinking in the evening "Would I like to feel drunk tonight? Yes", "Am I going to feel drunk tonight? No as tomorrow will be a write off and I will be back on that bad path"

Drinking wise I haven't drunk at the pub at all since before last posting. I've had the equivalent of 2 bottles at home this week but in that mindset of "I've done a lot of tidying today, got a lot done, I will have a beer as a treat with dinner". Then haven't even been able to finish it.

Currently after a very busy day I'm sat here with 1/4 of a bottle left over from 2 days ago. Small sips while dinner cooks and the washing machine is in action.

If I can continue this pattern.... Get on with stuff for a few days then have one day where I have a single beer as a treat with dinner, then I'm on that good path again.

Hopefully eventually I can find another hobby to eliminate even drinking one as a treat every few days. Maybe getting more into coffee at home and enjoying that instead.

Auchieshuggle

Glad to read you're more positive. You're quite correct, it doesn't matter what other people think. I hope you find your new hobby. I would have a look at the meditation videos on YouTube. Best Wishes.

Sam31p

Thanks, I'm integrating meditation into my life now. I've bought a lot of gear as well to compliment my new way of life (Smart watch, Smart digital scales) and stocking up with plenty of fruit and veg. I've never realised how great oranges taste, its been more than 20 years since I tried them.

Still going strong with it all and will continue to post some updates. On the 7th I had the rest of that beer. Nothing drunk since then until yesterday where I had half a 330ml can with dinner as a treat and today finished it off after a very productive day with getting shopping in and picking up the dogs meds.

Symptoms were bad and usually I'd go to the pub but I thought "nope, I don't want to be drunk, I've got that bit of beer left as a treat and can have a curry tonight".

Without the drink as it was, I've been getting up at 730am every morning. No more this week as a treat anyway, just 2 days of being out and about then a weekend to get on with exercise and trying my hand at some cooking.

Sam31p

Just a quick add.

I don't even know my neighbour but one came in tonight half drunk from a house down the road.

The door was knocked, I answered and it was a neighbour I haven't seen before. They looked half wasted and stunk of booze (I probably did when I was drinking like I did). I said no thanks, wished them all the best and closed the door.

They had a 4 pack of beer in their hands, possibly high spirited as here in the UK it's a vote tomorrow. I just don't need it. A moment or few hours of "fake bliss" means plans out the window tomorrow.

I enjoyed the remainder of that small can earlier, had a great dinner, why intoxicate myself to that point anymore?

Hopefully tomorrow when I get up refreshed nice and early it's a cold, frosty seasonal morning I can enjoy with a cup of decaff and a festive air to my face when I walk the dog.

Sam31p

Bad times have been back again with drinking.... Yet.... This is what I was saying earlier.

So what's happened is all was going very well with the new me. I was getting up every morning at 8am, getting on with stuff and happy with how things were going..... Then disaster...

My dog just suddenly hurt himself. One minute fine, the next bad problems with his back legs which turns out to be a spinal injury.... Gutted.

With the lack of support that happens and anxiety, taking him to the vets was such a soul destroying experience. At one point I was told he may have to be put to sleep. Imagine how devestating that is.

The problem with my mental health is I just cannot deal with a crisis because I get no support. I was all over the place with worry and then going to the vets was horrible with anxiety symptoms.

I've really overdone it bigtime, drinking to excess, 10 pints one day, a few days later another 10. Then 2 bottles of wine, several cans and beers another day. In barely 2 weeks I've been totally bladdered no less than 6 times. Absolutely horrendous.

On top of that I've gambled away so much money, basically everything I have and last night it reached the finale..... I went out into the countryside with the intention of taking my own life. I only didn't as someone who had serious concerns about me that lives hours away drove for 2 hours to find me.

This is where I struggle. Literally I cannot deal with crisis on my own due to health problems. If I hadn't been drinking, I'd have been self harming.

After that finale of going to end it, I think things have reset. I've reach rock bottom, got all that upset and hurt out of my system and its time to refresh and renew my continued reduction in drinking.

PhoenixJ

An early first memory, at 4yo- depression, anxiety, being a failure, fear....

What good does giving up booze to me? A level playing field to attack the mental health issues. Persisting with a GP to find an antidepressant that works well (needed- generational). Alcohol just made everything worse for me. At the end (and it literally was- for a time) I was drinking 5L of rotgut wine a day, isolated- not seeking death, but I had forgotten to live.

The fact you posted means you are processing new thoughts, I think. Post lots-join some newcomer's threads- like Class of December '19. I joined C/O March '16 and consider the people there (and other SR places) to be friends.
Support to you.

Sam31p

Thanks for sharing. I will have a look at that post. Processing stuff is definitely the part I'm at.

In all honesty, I don't deal with crisis because of the anxiety but also with Asperger's. Combine that with limited support and it's just so hard. Drinking comes in as an escape when I can't deal with certain emotions of a situation. With my dog and his spine, that was one of those crisis points and certainly the only way to get through that properly is to be cured of Asperger's and anxiety, or have the support to get through it. Of course Asperger's can't be cured, so without the support, I'm always going to struggle with crisis.

The final straw blowout was Friday and that wasn't even my intention. I actually planned to do something good having been over my blowouts over the dog situation.

I had the choice, stay in, or get out there to town to buy some goodies in the sales. I decided I would go out to try and do something good.

Now I knew without any doubt that the symptoms would be in full force especially with town being packed, long queues and people pushing and shoving past, but I didn't want to miss out so I accepted the fact I might have a pint at the pub to self medicate of things get too much. 1 pint is fine right if I can get through such a challenging day?

Town was horrid, so much distressed me. Music playing in the street, being pushed into, standing in a queue in a shop with my hands trembling. Interacting with shop staff who served me. I really just felt like breaking down in tears.

To cut it short, eventually (later on in the day than expected) I went to a pub to self medicate. Had a pint, just one but what really distressed me more and is more linked to Asperger's is that someone was sitting in my usual seat at the pub. I sat elsewhere but I just didn't feel right that they had my seat and table. That distress tipped me over the edge and that put me on that bad path.

Sounds silly doesn't it? I was already distressed with symptoms but someone sitting at my usual table tipped my distress levels over even further which lead to the series of events where I'm going to commit suicide.

I can stabilise things now but ongoing I have to live in isolation to avoid any crisis I can't cope with. I can give up booze entirely but only until a massive crisis happens where I should have support but don't. There's nothing else I can do.

Sam31p

I think the Aspergers thing is massive in the equation.

It's a bit like if I need a loaf of bread, it has to be the Warburton's bread with blue or orange packaging, which has no vinegar in it. Most other bread has vinegar which is overpowering and makes me feel really ill. I can't consume vinegar at all so I inspect food packaging to make sure what I'm buying doesn't have any of if in the product.

I then go to the shop, shaking involuntary and twitching. If I get to the shop and they don't have any of the Warburton's orange or blue I get very distressed, feel like everything has gone wrong and then come back home. I then can't settle all day at all and feel it's all been ruined.

Astro

Sam, I won't pretend to understand what you struggle with having Asperger's, what I share is just a small shred of what recovery has done for me.

In early sobriety I struggled with motivating myself to do many of the things I had done when drinking. Cooking, hobbies, outdoor activities, music, etc. They had all died as I drank and I didn't feel like reviving them when I sobered up because I felt so drained. Gradually though, those things returned and I slowly began to enjoy them again, and this time they felt incredibly good.

I had a bread machine that had been idle for years, and when I started dating again I made my GF a loaf of fresh bread for breakfast. She still talks about that, how good it smelled and tasted, we're married now for 10 years. There's no vinegar in my homemade bread. My point? Putting effort into my sobriety and a program of recovery has provided we with the solutions for the challenges that used to crush me, great or small.

Sam31p

It's a bit like though, with health problems at the start of this year I was in a routine which kept these health problems stable to some degree. I got on with tidying my home each day then walking the dog to a local field 2 mins from my house. I wasn't drinking at all or gambling.

Suddenly in April my dog was savaged by another dog, the owner of which saw my dog being savaged but turned their back and walked away. My dog was in a horrible state, yelping, bleeding and shaking. I had been bitten by the other dog as well. I got home as quickly as I can.

Back at home he needed to go to the vets but I just couldn't leave my house. I had no way to get there. I literally couldn't go out of that door as I was experiencing extreme fear and shock from the attack which was really nasty where the other dog tore it's teeth into mine, lifted him in the air and was violently shaking its head to cause maximum damage.

No taxis is this area. No friends to call upon, family are dead, I don't drive. I couldn't go, days passed and my dog was getting worse. Still I was unable to leave the house.

Literally what else do I do? The choice was do nothing and my dog could die or somehow numb the shock, fear and carry him to the vets. Well yep, to save my dog's life I drank 5 bottles of beer to ease that shock and distress and got him to the vets. It's a very good job I did because he had an infected abscess which if it had been left like that, it would have spread and killed my dog.

I can wholeheartedly say that in that instance, if I hadn't consumed alcohol, my dog would be dead now as there's no way I could have taken him.

Even though drinking worked that one day, the long term support after the dog attack wasn't there and as a result of things, rather than have the support to deal with it properly, I still struggle to walk my dog and suffer with PTSD over the incident.

The moral of that is, the unfortunate way my life is health wise and lacking any support means when crisis point happens, what choices are there?

That's not to say I want to drink, in fact I don't. Like look at the dog attack thing, I'm sure that if in the following weeks and months I dealt with things by having 5 drinks a day to rid the fear, panic and distress of even the thought of walking him, I'd have been able to carry on with daily walks and the issue would have been buried.

Yet because I tried to just embrace what happened and deal with it as best I could without alcohol, I've ended up with long term mental health issues (PTSD) from it. At this current second I'm trying not to even think about a dog walking off the lead because it sets off my PTSD and I fill with anger and panic, the same feelings I had the moment the dog attack was happening.

What I need in my life because of my health problems is just complete stability, no more distressing things, no more upset, crisis or impossible situations as I simply don't have the mental capacity or capability of dealing with those sorts of happenings without any support.

If I can achieve that then the drinking and gambling just won't be a part of my life anymore.

Tetrax

Sorry bud this sounds like your addiction talking to me. Working on that should be your priority. If you need several drinks to get something important done (like taking the dog to the vet) then you have an addiction.

I deal with mental health issues too - including anxiety - and I see now that booze has been a lifelong crutch, with anxiety being the excuse to use.

Sam31p

What addiction though? I'm really not in denial or anything.

Legit I can't understand the addiction of it? I sit at home for 2 weeks with a stash of beers in the fridge and don't touch any really. Maybe 1 can spread across 2 or 3 days (Half just before dinner, then I leave it on the side for another day).

Whereas when I'm out and about the symptoms of Anxiety/Aspergers are too much for me to cope with because it affects who I am, my abilities and I feel suicidal.

For me it's a bit like imagine someone before a wedding, nervous, shaking, they might have a bit of "Dutch courage" to steady the nerves. That's all good and most people will find that understandable.

For some unknown reason, maybe it's the anxiety, maybe it's the Aspergers, I am always a nervous wreck all of the time when out and about. This has been how my whole life has been.

As a result of these symptoms, it's affected almost every aspect of my life since birth. I've been shaking and spilling coffee, laughed at, had people say to me that I look like I've been on drugs. There's been times like when my mum was dying in hospital but I could barely be there because when I tried going, the symptoms made me feel suicidal.

Take the thing with the vets. I don't want to drink to go and don't intend to drink before going. The beers in the fridge remain unopened and I just try and get on with it. Before I even get there I'm shaking with symptoms, I can't focus. While there I can't communicate properly with the vets because of symptoms, I can't ask vital questions and I have to face the embarrassment of my hands and body shaking.

I then get home with full intent of trying to end my life.

I've suffered enough in life with family deaths, PTSD isolation and the Anxiety/Aspergers symptoms that I just can't cope with anymore suffering. Most days I feel like that where I don't want to die and yet I feel that I feel I have no choice but to die to end the pain and suffering.

For most of the time I can distract myself and get away from those thoughts, but it only takes a bit more suffering and I can't help myself. The shaking symptoms make me suffer more and so can throw me over the edge to seriously harming myself.

It's so difficult because when it throws me over the top like that, I find myself walking back in tears knowing that I don't want to die, but I have to. Knowing that when I finally get back home, I'm going to struggle to keep it together. Could it be the knife? The TV smashed to bits? Consuming any old poison from the cupboard?

Not long back it was a brand new mobile phone thrown at the wall, smashed into so many bits the battery went pop and leaked a load of smoke. Fighting between needing it to be me that's harmed and die, and not wanting to die. Why? Because I went out for a loaf of bread at the local shop and experienced the symptoms which made me suffer even more.

So that's why I drink. Just like the "dutch courage" example, it's when I'm unbelievably nervous and shaking out of control for no reason. I know it works to reduce those symptoms and in that moment having the choice of coming home and potentially trying to kill myself or heading to a pub, drinking a few pints and ending the suffering of the symptoms, it's obvious what the "better" option in that moment is.

It's not the drink causing those symptoms either.

Like for example, one of probably 1000000000 incidents with these symptoms, I can vividly remember as a 7 year old standing in the playground with these very symptoms looking at the floor shaking when trying to talk to another child.

I need help, medical help with my health but the NHS won't give me the help I need. If I did get the right support, would I still drink? Yes..... 1 or 2 cans a week at tops just like I do when I'm not experiencing Anxiety/Aspergers symptoms out and about.

Dee74

I think trying to treat anxiety with alcohol is like fighting a fire with gasoline Sam.
Thats my experience anyway.

Keep plugging away at the NHS. Be that annoying squeaky wheel.
D

Sam31p

Thanks Dee, yeah I totally agree with you. Down the line it's always going to eventually end badly which is why I want to do what I can to cut it out.

I just haven't had the strength in me to keep on at the NHS as I've been refused the right help from them so many times that I'm exhausted. It's that thing where I build myself up to go, gain hope and yet too often have found myself leaving the GP's office completely deflated and upset that I'm never going to get better.

Frustratingly after all these years I know exactly what help I need and what help I should be entitled to after messaging various charities, and yet I go to a doctor and end up with nothing.

Dee74

I had the same experience in Australia - albeit with physical issues.

It is frustrating and wearing and demoralising - but I didn't advocate for myself the bald fact was noone else would

Hope you make some headway soon Sam

D

Tetrax

Okay fair enough, maybe I was projecting. I too suffer from anxiety (with occasional tremor) but know I can't touch booze. I'm surprised you haven't been offered anti-anxiety meds, especially beta blockers, which aren't psychoactive. Drinking to self-medicate could certainly be a pathway to addiction.

I hope you get some better help anyway

Sam31p

Yep I've been trying since the day I was born. Never had friends, family were the only people I had who died, can't make friends as I have to struggle with the symptoms.

In fact I'm at a point where yes I'm alone and feel someone to talk to would be nice, but I don't want friends as such because the distress it causes me talking to people just isn't worth it.

I've done it all. In more than 10 years since seeking medical help I've tried exercise, eating healthy, avoiding caffeine, reading books, been on sites like moodjuice, tried Meds, had CBT, bereavement therapy.

One big reason why none of that works is because it's silly imaginary stuff. It's all very well sitting there doing yoga or mindfulness but I'm still the same nervous wreck after and my family are still dead and in the ground. It doesn't change my situation.

I've spent years trying to help myself and yet I'm still in this situation. Unfortunately just like someone who's had their legs removed or someone with a broken arm, professional help is needed rather than to do it on my own, because let's face it, what resources do I have?

Going to the vets would have been much more doable if I had a tiny bit of support. Not only was I there with horrendous symptoms but had to go through the upset of my dog being there. On my own. No support. Someone to give me a lift would have helped as I don't drive. Someone I could just talk to or phone up after the day there.....but no.....
Genuine question, what else could I have done to help myself regarding the vets?

Sam31p

Thanks. Yeah I was given propanalol once but felt nothing from it. Its supposed to work 30 minutes later but I didn't feel a thing.

I've heard diazepam is meant to be helpful, albeit potentially addictive. I've asked doctor's about it but they look and talk to me as if I'm wanting it for recreational use.

Can only keep trying I suppose. Sure, every time I go to the doctor's I find it becomes harder and is longer than the time before until I go again but can't do much else than keep on at them.

Sam31p

I think mindfulness and exercise only tends to work to get rid of stress of a situation that's passed. Like if someone had a tough day at work, they come home feeling stressed and might do meditation and mindfulness to relax and change their mood.

But it's a lot harder in situations that are still very much a thing like I put. I.e if someone got sacked. They might have serious problems with covering bills while looking for another job. Mindfulness, meditation or any other technique like that won't change the situation. Once they've done it they are still unemployed and still having serious problems covering the bills. So the situation and way they feel about it remains.

In that example, someone might eventually apply here in the UK for jobseekers allowance. Effectively they are getting help from someone else (the government) to get some money to cover the bills while they get another job.

Sorry if I sound like I'm being a know it all or anything like that. It's just one of those things where I've always been a proactive and optimistic person that will try everything to move forward. Posting publicly about things on a forum is a last resort after trying everything else and nothing improving.

Sam31p

Ages since my last post and have I been drinking? Yes and no.

It's just like I posted at the end of January. I've spent a lot of time indoors and just getting away from what seems to be incurable symptoms. I've had at most 2 cans of beer a week, some weeks not touching a drop, other weeks having 1 can or so. Nothing bad.

I just feel that proves what I've been saying all along. If I'd been going outside more I would for sure say I'd been wasted many times and drunk loads.

Gods honest truth on the 22nd Jan I had 8 cans in the fridge. I've drunk 3 of those cans..... in a month.

If I'd been out and about more, then you can be sure the whole lot would have gone and I'd have had several at pubs. I'm feeling good for it but the issues still remain