Stalkers & Ghosts: How to Develop a Panic Disorder
Recently I've developed a panic disorder. I've developed it for two reasons: physical and metaphysical. The physical part being the stalkers/ followers I've had. The metaphysical part being the ghosts/spirits that are inhabiting my apartment. It's daily life is a double-edged sword inside and outside.
To start, I've been stalked/followed since I was 9 years old. I remember being in the third grade and already making note of the man driving by me on my walk home from school. Then in middle school. Then in high school. And it's gotten worse the past few months. I live in a safe neighborhood but I've been followed. My roommate and I were followed by a man and as he knocked on the door for 40 consecutive minutes, I called the cops. The cops showed up, didn't find anyone, then left. Not long ago (within the week) I had five men follow me home then strategically go down an alley passageway to find me on another street. I ran and they chased me into a gas station. The gas station attendant was kind enough to lock the doors. That didn't help. They kept banging on the windows and yelling while I called the cops. The cops showed up, didn't follow them, and just nicely escorted me home. That's the physical part of my panic.
The metaphysical past is a little more complicated. I've had interactions with ghosts/spirits. To preface this I'm not particularly religious or atheist. I'm open to anything. I've had a partner whose father was a priest. With this same partner, I was cursed by a witch in Seattle who followed me through the northwest into Canada. The father did a prayer and I was safe. Lately, I've had paranormal experiences. So did my roommates. And then my visiting mother. And then my visiting friend. Recently I set up a camera for proof. I've detected it on camera, being highly active in my room. I've caught it several times and have videos to prove it. This is the metaphysical part.
Not once have I cried. Not once have I been angry. Not once have I screamed. I don't have a sense of fear of my life in either situation.
What I know is I'm hyper-aware and I feel panic. I've had trouble sleeping. I've gone to hotels to just get a night's rest and still feel plagued with panic. I'm always aware.
Recently I went to a therapist just to talk it out-- I thought that would help. The therapist made a comment about people my age losing touch with reality. It didn't hurt in the moment. I'm very secure with who I am. I understand what I've said sounds bonkers but I have proof to back it up and other people who have witnessed the same accounts as me.
The rest of my life is good. My work life is going well. My grades are straight A's. I'm just panicked inside and outside my home.
It's been an interesting few months but I'd thought I'd put it out here. Maybe someone can understand. Maybe not. I'm not looking for a solution or a hug but this is what's happening and here is where I'm putting my story.
I hope whoever out there dealing with anxiety and panic understands that whether it is external factors or internal, the feeling is very real. You're not alone with this feeling. You're not alone with feeling misunderstood. I know that's a repeated sentence in the healing/therapy process. It probably made some of you roll your eyes. But all of those pithy phrases are true even if they seem cheesy.
Take care. Breathe. What the hell-yell!! You deserve it.