Sam31p

It's been a while since posting and things haven't changed.

You know what I hate in life more than anything? These damn anxiety symptoms. If the symptoms weren't there I'd be living my life to the full. It's like I can be at home talking out loud recording myself. I speak clearly and don't stutter or muddle words.

Out and about though I struggle every single time. The symptoms make me muddle words, stutter, in fact half the time people can't even hear or understand what I'm saying. I feel so deflated when I try and talk but the other person keeps asking me to repeat myself, to speak slower or just gives me a blank stare because they have no idea what I'm saying.

I hate the version of me with symptoms as it truly has destroyed my life.

With that being said, how the heck am I going to get better? I've tried everything and still I'm the same old nervous wreck. How can I quit alcohol which is used to self medicate my symptoms?

I misuse alcohol, sure but only since I reached boiling point with the symptoms and realised that alcohol helps reduce them.

I've got nothing in life. My family are dead, I don't have friends and the symptoms are the reason I can't stop this isolation and loneliness. I simply can't deal with anymore pain or upset again as it then sends me to a point of harming myself.

So if I give up booze, what good does it do me? I lose the one thing that does help to reduce my soul destroying symptoms. I really worry that if I call it a day with alcohol, suffering with the symptoms all the time is going to result in me taking my own life.

Sam31p

Just to add. I think I've even realised that although most doctors don't understand my situation, a few that have ended up telling me more or less that drinking is a good thing in my situation as I have so little in my life.

When I told them about self medicating they heard how much I drunk. I told them if I was going out to do some shopping, after about 10 minutes the symptoms are unbearable and so I would go to the pub, have about 2 or 3 pints to self medicate, do the shopping and then when back home have 2 or 3 more pints to get emotional, let out a load of tears and feel I've released all that built up upset. They said "ok, well that doesn't greatly exceed the weekly recommend allowance. You aren't harming anyone and if it helps you manage then that's fine".

The problem when I drink loads is because of certain events that make me want to drink myself into oblivion. Like when someone comments on my symptoms or as had happened this year, my dog got attacked. It tips me over the edge, I can't cope anymore and can't help myself.

Yesterday was one of those days. I went out, went to the pub to self medicate and bumped into someone at the pub who I've had a few pints with ages ago. They know I have a gambling problem but even so, they were encouraging me to gamble on the fruit machines. It triggered me and I ended up gambling and losing a lot of money.

I was then in rampage mode because I was so upset about the loss, drinking pint after pint, even buying cans and drinking them in the street and having weird ideas in my head like throwing a brick through a window (I didn't). I got home and had ideas of burning my house down (I didn't).

I haven't had a binge like that for several months. The point is when I'm self medicating it really stops me experiencing the symptoms which cause me such hurt. That's why it's hard to stop.

Dee74

I'm sorry you're still struggling Sam.

I felt like booze was the only thing I had in my life too - but drinking was killing me, so I had to stop.

It took a lot of work for me to deal with my depression and anxiety but I'm glad I did. I've never been in a better place in a mental health sense.

Stopping drinking helped - it was hard to get a consistent measure of mental health when I was routinely poisoning myself with booze....

but I also I had professional help - I understand you don;t feel that way is for you but I encourage you to follow up on the things Anna mentioned on the other thread.

I hope you'll continue to keep posting here too - connection with others is really important

D

nightshade131

Hi Sam, how are you feeling today?

Sam31p

Thanks again all, I responded to the other thread about bereavement a bit earlier. I'm feeling sort of ok today.

Maybe I'm not seeing things clearly, but it just seems to be a no win situation with making progress.

The one thing that's hard to shake is the struggle to give up alcohol. I need to find a way to do it and I'm sure I could how.

Pro's
- No hangovers
- Prevent some health problems in the future?

Con's
- I just have to have even more misery and distress struggling with the symptoms which I really don't think I can cope with at this moment in time.


It all comes down to there is support I badly need and most staff I have seen agree I need that help (Hospital staff, bereavement therapist, disability benefit assessment staff). The staff who could get me that help, gp's, CMHT's and mental health teams simply don't understand my situation though and won't refer me to said help.

It's always so black and white with those teams.... Bereavement issues = Bereavement therapy. Anxiety = CBT. Depression = Meds. When as we all know, life just isn't as black and white as that

Dee74

There's definite mental health pros in giving up.

I never believed my drinking and drugging was affecting my mental health - but now in hindsight it definitely was.

I had a very dark worldview (and self image) that came at least in some measure my poisoning my mind and body on a regular basis.

at my worst in active addiction I was agoraphobic and paranoid, but even at my best there were repercussions.

My depression and anxiety were two of the things my drinking did absolutely nothing for and in fact made worse.

D

Sam31p

I guess it can vary though? As there's some people who are fine health wise until they started drinking, then they develop anxiety. Others who maybe drink as a quick fix for issues instead of tackling the issues head on.

Gambling for me was a method to cope, a fun distraction and buzz I couldn't get from life because of mental health. The damage it did began to massively outweigh any positives (always losing every penny I had) which fully had a bad impact on my mental health. What made it difficult was the purpose it served, that buzz and on top of the world feeling when I won. To quit I had to put gambling out of reach rather than recover (self exclude, limit access to money) and although there are occasional small slips, it's mostly been tackled.

It's just come to the point where although like everyone, I need social interaction, the anxiety has such an impact on conversations with people, I feel worse chatting to anyone rather than better and don't want to do it anymore because of the distress it causes me.

That means I live an unfulfilled life and even though certainly the next day hangovers are horrid (once a week), what would I be doing instead? Stuck in feeling low anyway?

Dee74

sure, I can only share my experience

I''m not saying drinking and drugging caused my depression or anxiety - they've been with me since I was born...but I do believe they made things worse in the long run, not better.

Its hard not to be anxious when you get to the the point that simply not drinking makes you anxious.

Its hard not to be depressed when drinking works against optimism too.

I was always looking for reasons to drink.
Without meaning to or even being aware of it I honed in on the negative because the pay off was a drink.

You may indeed be different Sam - I don't know you very well - just trying to help

D

Astro

Alcohol didn't necessarily keep me feeling stuck in low, it was just that I was so terrified of how I was behaving when drinking that I wanted to erase that fear by drinking more and more, which took me down to that low every time. I wanted to be there, I didn't want to have to feel anything.

Yesterday I drove by the neighborhood where my second wife and I lived and where my daughter was born. I started to go back to that place of depression, but my recovery doesn't allow me to stew in that for long, my feelings of gratitude and the abundantly good life that I have now bring me much brighter days.

Sam31p

Thanks both. I understand that Dee and really do appreciate your posts and sharing some of your own experiences. It does help.

I've slipped today with a drink so will have a go at responding tomorrow.

Sam31p

It's crazy how I've actually got a daughter. Shes 8 now. I don't see her or anything and you know why? The old classic.... Anxiety and circumstances.

That ex was a controlling person. Very controlling to a point of making demands and then threatening to crash her car and kill herself when I refused.

I ended it and got back together with her twice but only through guilt.

The last time I got back with her, of course bedroom stuff happened. It was more to keep her happy because if I didn't do it, she would have a go at me and then I'd end the already failing relationship, which would mean she would be suicidal again.

She ended up becoming pregnant and admittedly I never thought it was a good idea. She had other ideas though, how it could bring us together for life.

After her "in power" demands, I had to end it but still I wanted to do what was right by the child. She manipulated my late mum and was very sneaky overall.

My situation back then was I was threatened by her friends. My ex and her friends all lived in another town. If I go there again, im dead.

She had good friends, a business, well respected clients, good money and would always use that against me.

On my side was what? Nobody. My mum was dying who was manipulated by this ex against me.

How could I fight such a battle?

IDK, I've wanted to do something for years.

Sam31p

This next post will do me good in the morning as a sobering thought.

Been bladdered all night. This actually is a reason to try and give it up.

It's not a typical drink up, but an extreme one, 6am, no sleep, just lots of booze.

I've gotta go out today now with either no sleep but half wasted, which I have to do, or the alternative, sleep all day and not be awake til afternoon.

It's dire and for what? The moment and enjoyment has gone, it's all about now, but now is gone after that drinking.

Tetrax

Yeah I used to drink through the night. The buzz don't last and folks like us just can't get away with it anymore. Hope today isn't too rough for ya.

Sam31p

Absolutely. Well I can hand on heart say the last few days has been a huge turning point. Something that hasn't happened for a good 10 years.

The drinking the past few days (and smoking too many cigarettes that went with it) has been very sobering, so to speak.

The first thing was actually a worrying thought that if I carry on like this, I doubt I will be alive come the end of next year, that's for sure.

What I've spent years doing is look at what I don't have. Yes I might have very little, but that very little is still something. If I lose that very little, I will soon be wishing I had it back.

Symptoms by all means are a killer, but alcohol creates a warped perception of the reality and is worse. Sure it feels great but it's not real, like I said, a massive buzz, but then it has to end and what good did it do? Gave me a short amount of time on my own in an imaginary drunken world at the expense of my health.

I wouldn't choose to smoke 40, maybe even 50 cigarettes in a day, but when drinking it's done without even thinking. Then at silly o'clock cooking pure junk instead of a healthy meal that takes too long when in that state, all for what? For a few hours of being away from reality in the imaginary drunken world.

What I can actually do is walk my dog to a field down the road. It's a great field, quiet, peaceful, great views and it's entirely real. Sure, the anxiety won't allow me to be there for hours but in short burst of 2 or 3 walks a day for 20 minutes a time is doable.

I really do think I've been kidding myself, a lot. Eating a pizza is real and so is watching a good film. Alcohol is poisoning me to a zone that isn't real at all.

This change starts right about now.... and yes.... I am going to the pub with my dog right after typing this........ Only with a £2 coin that isn't even enough to buy any alcohol there, but it will get me a refreshing pint of coke. Yes no doubt anxiety symptoms will be through the roof, but I've gotta start saying "so what? It's better to be shaking in a reality, than not in a drunken fantasy".

Sam31p

Well, I've probably tried to run a sprint rather than a marathon by going in the deep end.

The symptoms have put me to the verge of tears at the pub, although I am just drinking a coke with that £2, I really don't feel good with symptoms. Shaking with every sip. Damn.

Dee74

Day One is always tough, especially if we pushed the boat out as the saying goes.
I hope you'll feel better tomorrow Sam.

D

Sam31p

Well, I just don't think I'm cut out for either stopping drinking or living.

3 days now since really wanting to just live life and try even more. Yet it's been 3 days where I wished I was dead anyway.

It's moreso for the anxiety symptoms I've been plagued with. Monday was rubbish. Pub coke, someone was smirking at me for shaking with symptoms. Came home in tears because of symptoms and smashed my place up.

Tuesday I went to a coffee shop. Shaking like crazy, voice all over the place they couldn't even understand me to get my order right. Coffee was horrible. Hated it, shaking with every sip. Left there in tears and harmed myself when I got home.

You see, that's my life. It's how I was before I ever started drinking and it's how I am if fully giving up drink. Pre self medicating times it was hard enough but at least I had my family for support. Now though, no family.

In theory while at home I'm optimistic, hopeful and convincing myself against my better judgement that it won't be that bad. Yet it is, it's always bad, worse than I can imagine. To a point that just like always, when I experience that anxiety I couldn't care weather I live or die.

Bottom line, it's all very well me being at home saying it's going to be like this or that in life and that life is better without drinking. But when actually out there, it's devastating. Yes I need to and will cut down my intake, even if it means staying inside more days than I currently do, but sadly I think my life is just at that point where if self medicating prevents me harming myself or making an attempt to take my own life, then as much as I don't like it, it's probably doing me more good than harm.

Peace out and thanks again.

​

Auchieshuggle

Sam,

I have read through your posts and I can empathise with you to a large extent. I have a debilitating anxiety condition which can really torment me at times, it is what has led me to drink heavily for the vast majority of the past twenty-one years. However I know that, despite the immediate relief alcohol offers, it ultimately makes me feel more anxious and the withdrawal has been a nightmare - I'm two weeks in and suffer from panic attacks if I venture further that the nearest shops.

You have a daughter and a dog in your life. You might not have a relationship with your daughter now, but inevitably she will want to know you at some stage.

Have you considered working out? You can get a home gym set for a few hundred quid, but if that's too much you can do press-ups, sit-ups, jogging and a simple kettle bell routine. Exercise releases endorphins and, with perseverance, you should see physical improvements that will increase your self-confidence. What about taking up boxing or a martial art? Have you ever contemplated yoga or meditation?

You have access to the internet, and basically have the world at your fingertips - a lifetime's worth of reading material, blogs and really interesting stuff (ever researched 9/11 or any of the various conspiracy theories?) which can occupy the mind.

What about a spiritual purpose in life? I got baptised a few years ago and I read the Bible and meditate on that, and it's fascinating.

The world can be a dark and cruel place - you mentioned somebody smirking at you in the pub, for example - but there are plenty of beautiful and interesting things about life which make it worth living. We are living in truly fascinating times at the moment. There are other ways to overcome anxiety than a bottle. Best wishes and God bless you.

Sam31p

Thanks Auchieshuggle,

I appreciate you sharing that. The thing that stands with me is the before and the now.

I.e the before I even touched drink, I struggled bad enough with these symptoms to a point where it ruined my life. Yet for most the part, I didn't know if feeling that way was normal or not. I went feet first into life wanting a good life like anyone and sadly due to symptoms, it was ruined.

Knowing something wasn't right I went to doctors for help but got none. I was just about getting by, with having major knock downs in society due to symptoms, but that was ok as I still had family for support. Family were then unwell and died, which left me without that support and so I started drinking to self medicate.

I can understand a lot of people saying the after's of booze can cause anxiety, but I don't think that was ever the case for me, in fact my drinking habit's will make a lot here think "damn, that's very little". Such as 10 units a week (about 4 pints in 1 sitting). There was a reason to stop, my family needed me in their unwell states.

Now, since their deaths, I've lost that support and when I drink to self medicate, it's like there's no reason to stop. I.e if I was drinking one day, self medicated, why stop that feeling when the next day will be spent on my own depressed anyway.



To take part in exercise, there needs to be some sort of boost. I've never been one for exercise, although I've given it a go and it just seems to do very little.

The key with that is day to day I live in the reality, the circumstances. There's little to have a boost from or energy. As I'm stuck in a cycle where if I stay in, I feel I'm wasting my life, if I go out then I've got the usual symptoms to contend with.

If there was just a gap from the nothingness. Just something, rather than "It doesn't matter what I do now, it's still weeks, even months of silence on my own".


For me the spiritual side doesn't do a lot. I was baptised as a kid and even went to a catholic school but after seeing my family go downhill with illnesses and die so cruelly, it means nothing to me anymore.



Deep down there's a lot of unresolved issues and various things that stop a lot of progress.

For example, if I were to exercise at home now, feeling low about mums death. I do it, mum is still dead, there's still silence here. It doesn't change the bigger picture in my life and stop these symptoms.

As a kid I tried loads including shukokai karate, lifesaving swimming, taking part in a football league and I struggled completely. The "reward" for me back then was getting it out the way, struggling throughout and then getting a packet of sweets from the shop to take home and enjoy at home in a comfort zone.

As an adult, of course a packet of sweets isn't considered a reward, nor does it give a buzz and help power through the lowness of mental health.


I'm always an optimistic person generally.... "Yeah, lets go out, it's only a supermarket for a loaf of bread", "yeah, lets have a coffee, easy". No fears or worries. Yet it's the symptoms that are there still. I'd understand if I had the worries but I want to get stuff done.

Auchieshuggle

Sam, I understand about your family, and I am sorry to hear you've had such a bad time. However you need to get out and meet people - have you tried support groups, AA meetings, attending churches?

What about mindfulness, yoga or meditation? There are meditation videos on YouTube.

I am reading a good book by Dr Claire Weekes, titled Self-Help For Your Nerves. You can buy it on Amazon. Why not try reading that?

Unfortunately you have to help yourself if you want to improve. Best wishes and God bless.