The Irony of Anxiety
 

I hate anxiety. It makes me feel like a crazy person. And people don't get what anxiety really is. They say things like, "Oh I get anxious before a job interview", etc. It's not like that. That's just a normal person feeling nervous.

A friend of mine recently told me that someone new I met told her that I make her uncomfortable but she can't put her finger on why. I knew immediately it was because of my anxiety. It's ironic. I'm anxious around people because I desperately want to connect, have friends, and a better social life, yet that anxiety is exactly what kills the connection.

I am on facebook because I thought that'd be a great way to stay connected with people, see what's going on, have more of a social life, etc. Unfortunately, it makes me feel worse. The more people's posts I see of what they're all doing, the sadder and more isolated I feel.

I make new acquaintances but I can't seem to turn that into actually doing stuff together.

The saddest part for me is this: I have changed and grown remarkably the last 6 years. It was extremely hard work and extremely painful, plus throw in a near death experience. I am definitely not anything like the person I used to be. My facebook posts over the last few years should show that. I don't post much and when I do there's never a hint of drama, anger, fear, or emotions. And yet, people just don't seem to want to accept that I have changed. They still seem to think of me as the old version of myself.

Here's one painful example. Ten years ago, I was going through some very difficult painful things. I had a friend who happens to be a therapist. But I never talked to her like that, except for one time when I my stress was so extreme that I was feeling suicidal. I reached out to her for help; not to be in drama. When you're in that level of extreme stress, anxiety, and pain, you can't help yourself and need someone to push you in the right direction to help yourself. She talked to me a couple of times, but got confused when one time we met, I stuffed down all my pain and put on my friendly facade. She went home, and sent me an email demanding an apology for reaching out to her about my depression. I apologized. And then she cut me off.

I met her out of the blue in town about 4-5 years later. I apologized to her. It was ackward, but I thought my apology was sincere.

I then met her again at a workshop in town. I was happy to see her. We had friends in common. I made a much more detailed apology, but my anxiety messed it up badly. I babbled way too much. I finally caught myself when she made a joke--something like don't ruin an apology by overdoing it. I thought we were in a good place now and we could move forward. I really thought in the past we had some good times together when we'd socialize and stuff.

I friended her on facebook. We commented on each other's posts. Every now and then, I'd reach out and ask her if she wanted to do something together. Usually it was an event in town that I noticed we both were interested in. She gave me excuses as to why she couldn't go. Yeah I'm used to this. It happens all the time. I happened with my husband's family and that hurt me a lot. It happens with people I try to socialize with. Usually it's one time and then nothing after that.

I don't know what I do wrong. It feels like all that hard work was for nothing. I can't seem to reconnect with old friends, because they're not seeing me for who I am now and only for who I used to be. I can't seem to make new friends, because I just stumble a lot and my anxiety ruins it.

If I didn't have my husband I seriously wouldn't have anyone or anything to stay alive for. He's been the only person in my life who gets me. And he doesn't even really get me. But he has anxiety too and so that sort of helps in a way.

I don't even talk to anyone about my depression/anxiety, which makes me feel even more isolated and alone. Everyone misunderstand me and my intentions. Like here's one of a million examples. For many years, I was too depressed to send out Christmas cards. Yes I get it, on the surface you're probably thinking "What's so hard about sending out Christmas cards?!" The task itself isn't hard at all. But if you've never experienced that overwhelming dark energy of depression that saps every bit of energy, motivation, as well as discipline from every cell of your being, you have no idea what it's like. Getting out of bed and into the shower is a struggle.

It sucks. I think the isolation, loneliness, despair and misperceptions of anxiety and depression are worse than alcoholism, in my experience.

Does anyone get where I'm coming from?

I also had another therapist friend who I met at a self-help workshop and I get together with occasionally say to me this crazy thing "depression and anxiety is the person's fault." I couldn't believe it. I had to seriously stop myself from saying anything. I don't talk to her about my depression/anxiety because it's not her business and she's a friend; I'm not a patient. I'll only talk about it if she asks questions. But now I feel like I have to put on that fake smile facade around her, dare she thinks that my depression and anxiety are my own fault. I can hide my depression and anxiety well, so I will have to continue to do that with her.

I had a therapist around the same time of that really painful time years ago when I knew that first therapist friend. It was an extremely raw, stressful, anxiety-provoking, on the verge of a nervous breakdown type of anxiety. I used to go to the therapist and because my anxiety was so bad, I'd have verbal diarrhea. She'd sit there with an awful scowl on her face the entire time. Her scowl made me even more anxious. It was horrendous. It was traumatic. I was going to therapy to try to help myself, and she'd scowl. My verbal diarrhea was not on purpose. I was falling apart at the seams and didn't know how to fix it. I couldn't help myself and was reaching out for help. It's crazy to think this is how professional people in the field of psychology who are trained to help people with anxiety treat people. She only helped me one time when a professional high up person in my internship did something extremely cruel and abusive toward my anxiety/depression. He should've known better. But other than that one time she continued to just scowl at me and treat me like a paycheck, which just fed my anxiety even more. It was an awful experience.

I'm trying to be authentic with myself. I'm trying to practice mindfulness. That's been really important with my growth. My current therapist says that my awareness and growth have both been outstanding and I've changed a lot since starting our sessions. But I feel like I still cannot be authentic with my depression and anxiety outside our sessions. It's crazy that this is how three professional psychology people treated me. I ran into the therapist a few years ago, and she gave me an awful smirk. It was so painful. I hated every session with her. I didn't want to be there, yet I dragged myself to go to try to help myself. I couldn't control my anxiety or verbal diarrhea. I was in tremendous pain and didn't know how to communicate it. I don't know what to think anymore and I'm back to hiding out alone in my depression and anxiety and putting on a smile with other people.
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Wow, the therapists you've met have all sucked big time.

Sorry to hear this. A lot of my drinking was attempting to self-medicate anxiety, and is my most likely trigger even now. I don't want to drink to party, I want to drink to get a break from anxiety. Unfortunately alcohol and benzos only offer a temporary reprieve and when tolerance sets in, it returns even stronger than before.

Anxiety is really hard. Maybe yoga and meditation. Unfortunately I can't sit still long enough to do either, but I bet it would work. Exercise helps me tremendously.

Hi MindfulMan! :-)

Thank you for taking the time to read my post. It was long because it was stream of conscious honest thought. And thank you for that validation!! :tyou I've gotten much better at self-validation but other people validation still helps.

Fortunately, I have had very good therapists over the recent years. (And my very first one ever was amazing, but I moved away and stopped seeing him.) But the way my personality used to be, was instead of my realizing "wow this therapist sucks and should change careers before someone kills themselves over her bad therapy", I would blame myself. I guess I still do a little bit, but my current therapist had started to help me with self-empowerment and stuff like that. Just a little bit was enough to help me tap back into it, grow and trust myself. I saw quickly how it was in me all this time since I was little. It was just blocked.

I do feel that that first therapist friend I mentioned just misunderstood and misperceived me. She was protecting herself as a person who wanted to keep that solid line between friendship and therapist. I get that and I respect that. But it still hurts nonetheless. Especially since it's been almost 15 years, let it go already and see me for who I am TODAY. Plus all three of my apologies were very sincere. But maybe the amount of pain I was in back then scared her. I can understand that. She's a kind person and probably just didn't want to get sucked into my pain back then.

The current therapist friend--yeah that was a major "ouch" when she said that "depression and anxiety are the person's fault." And she majored in positive psychology. WTF. She's not a psychologist, but still. She sees clients/patients in private practice. These people can seriously negatively effect others by saying stuff like that. She's a good person but she's got issues herself. I'm not judging, just saying. I have to remind myself just because she has a degree of some sort does not make her right in what she says.

That past therapist--yeah I regret not trusting my gut all those years ago. Damn it, why did she not get how much freaking pain I was in?!?! She was so cold. That scowl nearly killed me. She was very intelligent and seemed like a good therapist but I should've gone elsewhere. Lives are at stake when dealing with depression/anxiety. I did tell my next therapist, who was much better skilled with how to help me and understand me, that I felt although she was very intelligent, she should not be given any patients with depression and anxiety. She was heartless. He said "there are good and bad therapists, like any other profession. I am sorry my profession failed you" or something to that effect. It was helpful.

My last 2 therapists (one retired, one I sort of outgrew although he helped me immensely, and now my current one) were/are all much more skilled and competent. I should've trusted my gut. But it's hard to do that when anxious/depressed. Lesson learned.

Me too, MM. A lot of my drinking was my way of self-medicating my anxiety and depression. I never wanted to drink "to party" either. I wanted to drink to ease my anxiety, or to get a buzz to overshadow my depression. Or I wanted to drink so I could fall asleep and get a break from my anxious thoughts. It was when my tolerance started to set in, that I realized I was beginning to have a problem. It makes me think of all these musicians dying from unintentional overdoses...

It sure is. :-(

Mindfulness, yoga, and meditation are helping me. I am trying to learn to use mindfulness techniques to just be the observer without judging. I just recently started yoga, and I like it. However, I have to be careful what type of yoga to do. Anything with Kundalini yoga, chakras, or weird breathing techniques that change the energy in the body, I need to stay away from.

I hated doing traditional sitting meditation, because my monkey mind felt like it was getting worse. Also I didn't want to hear an abusive person from my past in my head or see her face. So instead, I do guided meditations where I can listen to someone else's soothing voice. Or I do music meditations, since I love music. Sometimes I fall asleep listening to a music meditation, and that's okay.

Exercise helps me, too, because it helps me to focus on my body and not on my mind. I am a different person when I exercise. It had been years since I exercised, and it was frustrating as hell because I wanted to, but I couldn't muster up the motivation to. What finally got me moving, was my therapist's recommendation to wear my exercise clothes. I thought it was silly and I didn't understand why she was recommending that, if I wasn't going to exercise. But it WORKED. :-) My first movement was a yoga class, and from then I was able to keep the momentum going.

I know in my heart that my depression and anxiety are not my fault. But it still hurts to hear, especially from a positive psychology therapist friend. But it says a lot about her, now, doesn't it? And it still hurts a lot to have reminders of that previous therapist. The therapist that was the one who was able to finally break the awful, dark, incredibly painful place I was in, was kind, compassionate, understanding, yet stern/direct where needed. I wonder if he has any idea how much he helped me. He was like the parent I needed but didn't have.

Anyway yes I agree--exercise, yoga, meditation, mindfulness and stuff like that helps anxiety tremendously! Anything to get us out of our heads. Alcohol worked temporarily and it was all a lie anyways because it did more harm that good....not preaching, just typing that to remind myself. ;-)

:tyou

You remind me me a lot of myself. I have terrible anxiety....terrible. Sometimes I think I prefer to be alone because it is easier. Like you I want friends but my anxiety comes through and I know people don't get me. I try ...I really do. I started going to these little womans group in our neighborhood. I forced myself to go and my husband was happy to see me make the effort to meet people. You know after going to about 6 of them and being miserable while i was there .... I asked myself why. I don't think the few people I am close to will ever understand me. I have a good friend of mine who I was there for during a very dark period of her life....she is thankful for me being there for her. Now I am going through a rough time with one of my children...and you know what....she is just not there for me....I think she thinks I am just being neurotic. I am so hurt....I just need to distance myself I think. Like you I do have a husband who understands me. I think I would have jumped off a bridge if it had not been for him. I feel so alone some times. Like you I never would drink to party.....I just wanted temporary relief from my anxiety...just a few hours you know. I know I am all over the place with my post. I just want you to know I feel your pain....I really do. Hugs to you....

It helps to know there's someone out there similar to me so I can feel less like the only one. I hope it helps you too to know you're not the only one.
It sucks, doesn't it? Mine's getting better through mindfulness, awareness, seeing that I really CAN change, yoga, therapy, exercising, etc but it still sucks.

I know exactly what you mean. I hate being alone because I love people, but it's easier on the anxiety to be alone. But it brings on sadness, isolation, and loneliness--which isn't good for depression.

Exactly my experience. People are uncomfortable around the energy of someone who is anxious. They think something's off about us. They avoid us like a porcupine or something. People misunderstand my anxiety and think it's something else. It sucks.

I do too. But trying brings on anxiety for me which just becomes a vicious cycle.

I give you credit for trying to go to those. I don't think I have the confidence to go to those. I never feel like I fit in anywhere. I always feel like I stand out, no matter who I try to socialize with.

My husband is happy to see me making an effort with exercising. I really like the people at one place I go to, but I don't think they want to be friends with me. My anxiety just makes me rub people the wrong way. I hate it.

I understand what you mean. There was a book club I went to last year with a bunch of women. One woman was an acquaintance. I tried to become friends with her, but she told me one day that she hates small talk, going out to lunch/coffee, etc. I tried to go to the book club and fit in. I was friendly and helpful. But one month, I didn't read the book so I wasn't go to go. I ran into my acquaintance at the grocery store. She was genuiely kind and friendly. She said I should go even though I didn't read the book. Unfortunately, the hostess was just really bitchy and weird. She was not friendly to me when I arrived. When I spilled water from overflowing a glass from the automatic thing on the fridge (I do crap like that often unfortunately, which then feeds into my anxiety worse), she was very irritated, which made me more anxious. Then in a very angry tone of voice during the discussion she said to me, "Why are you a member of a book club if you didn't read the book?! Didn't you feel an obligation to read it?!" Yeah that was the end of that.

Other times, I feel like everyone's fitting in well, but I just don't fit in. Here's a stupid example on the surface, but at a deeper level maybe you'll get where I'm coming from. A few months ago, I went out with a friend & two acquaintances. We went to a nice restaurant with pretty gardens. They all wore pretty floral stuff including dresses. I was in jeans and a black top. I felt awkwardly out of place. They all drank from the moment we got there, until the moment we left. It's uncomfortable being the sober one around drunk women who are flirting with the waiters, making penis jokes, and all the nonsense that goes along with drinking. I was hysterical crying on my drive home. I don't know why. I used to be able to fit in and have fun. It's like I don't know who or what I am anymore. Alcohol masked my anxiety and depression so well.

I hear you. I tried to tell my husband this weekend that I hope he knows the authentic me, and when I'm anxious or depressed--and how I act because of it--that's not the authentic mean.

My best friend just sort of accepts me for my "quirks". She's a Christian and that is I think why she accepts me warts and all. Plus I think because she lives a simple, calm life, my wackiness, former drama, depression, anxiety adds some interest I guess. If I was just like her, we wouldn't have much to talk about other than how fast or slow the grass was going. It'd be boring. That all being said, I know she cares about me, and I do believe she knows that I mean well and have a good heart. At least that's what I think. We've been there for each other in hard times. It's just that we live far away. She doesn't understand addiction, depression, anxiety, abusive toxic FOO, but she does her best.

I am so truly sorry that you're going through this. It hurts a lot when you're there for someone, but they're not there for you. I sometimes think it's because they're not able to be there for other people. I have a cousin who is like that. She is really sweet and has a great personality. But she is all surface. There's no depth. I think it's some sort of defense mechanism.

If your friend thinks you're being neurotic, that's on her. I know how painful it is sometimes when we are hurt by what others think of us. I try hard to not let other people's opinions of me effect how I feel about myself, but it is not easy. I had a friend who was watching my dogs call me "neurotic". People don't understand that the anxious feelings we feel are real. We don't have them on purpose. I know the psych I see tells me all the time that "feelings lie" but sometimes they feel so truthful.

If it helps you to not feel so alone, I had a college friend who suffered greatly from anxiety--worse than mine. I was always there for her. We had lost touch, and then gotten back in touch. As a living amend, I always was on time for our lunches (she freaks out if anyone's a minute late), I always made sure the conversation was about her job, her hobbies, her daughter, her parents, her vacations, her weekend, etc. It was going really well for about 3 years. Then, when I had a medical emergency and missed calling her before her surgery, I tried to explain what had happened to me. She treated me like I was attention-seeking. I could tell by her facial reactions and tone of voice. I let it go, but it was hurtful. I almost died. I do not appreciate being treated like the boy who cried wolf, when clearly I have changed and grown immensely.

I have accepted the fact that even though I was there for her and her anxiety, she couldn't or wouldn't do the same for me. It's up to me if I want to continue to be friends with someone knowing she likely wouldn't ever be there for me, or if I pulled myself up by bootstraps, had self-respect, and decided I don't want someone like that in my life. I chose the later, after she flaked on 3 lunch dates in a row and acted like a bitch when I asked her what was up. AA would've told me to be kind, tolerant, and forgive. Nope. Time for me to have self-respect. I deserve better friends than that.

I am happy for you that you do. I think it's my "gift" for putting up with all the sh*t I put up with in childhood, adolesence, and my early 20s. He and I just sorta get each other. We had similar childhoods. I also think our anxiety sort of connects us.

Exactly. Same here. And I will if something ever happens to him. I'm tired. I'm tired of reaching out to family members (his or mine), friends, acquaintances and it never ever going anywhere. One person can only take so much hurt. I guess my anxiety makes me socially awkward and if I was younger, I could've taken social skills classes or something. But they don't offer that sort of thing for adults.

One time I was with my rescue dog, and there was a teenager who came up to the group of us. I was sitting on a blanket with my dog. He asked me questions and was trying to have a back and forth with me. His mother was standing by watching with a big smile on her face. I knew immediately that he was practicing his social skills. He did a great job. I wish I had the tools that he did, and I wish I had the help he does when I was his age.

My therapist a while ago had suggested I observe people when I'm out in public. I try, but I think it comes across as that I am staring at them or eavesdropping. I don't know how to do it nonchalantly. Also sometimes in my loneliness, I think I over-observe people who are together and it makes them uncomfortable. I think strangers think I'm weird. And that just makes me more depressed. I used to go shopping by myself if I wasn't drinking, and I enjoyed watching mothers and daughters, boyfriends and girlfriends, or girlfriends with their friends shopping together. But I'm sure I sound pretty pathetic writing all of this. The most painful is watching mothers with their young children. It warms my heart but at the same time is extremely painful. I don't have children of my own, because now that I can admit it, I always knew in my heart I would be a loving, nurturing mother but I'd be extremely anxious and extremely overwhelmed, and I didn't want to mess up my kids over that.

Same here. And the older I get, the worse it's getting.
Feel free to PM me anytime. :-) Maybe we can keep in touch over email or something, too.

That was my experience. And why I think I don't even feel like I fit in at AA meetings a lot of times. My story just isn't like anyone else's story.

You really weren't. I had no trouble following it.

Thank you. It does help to know I'm not alone in my pain even though it feels like I am. Hugs right back to you and anyone else reading this who feels the same way.

Thank you so much pathway for taking the time to give such a heartfelt answer to so many of my comments. That truly meant a lot to me. I know you feel my pain. I imagine there are a lot of us out there that feel this way. I like your idea of mindfulness. I do practice that. I always try to think of the blessings I do have. Anxiety is awful but I do have many blessings and that is what I try to focus on. If people think I am quirky well I guess I just have to accept that. Everyone has some issue right? Thank you so much again for your kind an insightful comments. I really felt validated and for that I am thankful to you.