Son has anxiety about going to work
 

Looking for thoughts on his issue. He gets anxiety the night before work and in the mornings. Dreads going - not that he hates it but that the days are long. I told him this is life. We have to work.
I suggested he goes to a therapist to learn some coping skills.
Says the feelings come in waves.
Talks about working from home but I feel that is putting a bandaid on the underlying problem.

This seems normal. Nobody likes going to work.

Maybe he needs to find a position that he is more suited for? He may need to look for a different job while still working at this current job. This is life and people need to work. Is this his first job?

No this is not his first job. He is 23 and a college graduate with 2 degrees. It is his first longterm job and he sits at a desk all day.
He has suffered from anxiety and depression for years and self medicated with weed and alcohol. Tried anxiety pills but always drank with them.
I am very concerned. He lives 1700 miles away with his long term girlfriend who is planning to leave him.
She told us to be there when she leaves. I know he will crumble. He is not good now. He is calling a therapist today and his doctor for anxiety meds but when she leaves and takes the pets he will be so bad.
I don't know where to turn. He will be at his job a year next week so was holding on to maybe he can apply for FMLA and then we can get him into a hospital. She still will leave and when he gets out then what.

I do understand your concern and you should be concerned. Depression and anxiety can be debilitating. Does he think he needs to be hospitalized?

Is there a way for him to come home and regroup? Get in to therapy, a GP and have a support system of family around him?

This is a big transitional phase in life for pretty much everyone at that age from living "party time" in school, to coming into the real world of having to work and coming to terms with that life isn't easy.
He's a grow adult now and what he chooses to make of his live is his choice. It is hard to see those close to you not in the best shape, but there is nothing, or anyone that can say or do to change someone, they have to do it themselves.
I personally would step away from the situation as it will do nothing but drive you crazy. If you do need a support system, you can check out alanon meetings or perhaps start to see a therapist for yourself.

Looking for thoughts on his issue

hes going to the therapist. tell him to be honest.
youre going to have to let him start being an adult some day.

i understand you love you son, and probably love him to death.
which is exactly what youre going to end up doing.
start loving him to life-allow him to be an adult. allow him to be responsible and accountable for his life.

Mizzuno- we have tried to get him to agree to go for therapy. When he was home he would go a few times and then stop. After he got his dui and was suicidal in 2016, we got him a psychologist out there and he went about 4 times, didn't take his naltroxone either. I went to see someone tonight to talk and get some perspective... I realize these are my sons choices and we have tried so hard to get him to see what he is doing to himself. He is letting the past dictate his future. He is dwelling on the bad things in his life.
I know I need to let go.
As far as a support system, the only family he has is myself who he talks to and my parents who can't fly out to see him. His dad is in the picture but they don't really speak much. He has no friends where he lives and the only other person he talks to is his girlfriend who is leaving him. He hates living in our town so I doubt he would want to come home plus I don't want him here. He was home for a few days at Christmas and wanted to go home in less than 12 hours.

Repeat this over and over. He is a grown man now, and it's time to take off the training wheels.
His choices are now his, not yours.

hummingbird,

I know we've talked a lot about this issue. Therapy or anxiety drugs won't help. Talking to you about how bad he's feeling won't help him and is only making you sick with worry.

There's a term in the recovery community known as "the gift of desperation". When someone is desperate enough, they'll get clean. His girlfriend leaving and work anxiety are all trivial matters in comparison to his vicious disease. If you try to ease any of these, you're only making it easier to avoid desperation and continue using. With how resistant he has been for so long, losing a job and a girlfriend might be what needs to happen. You're providing the illusion that his life is manageable. He needs to realize that it's unmanageable.


Like tomsteve said, you're loving him to death, and your codependent behaviors are making both him and you worse off. You should go through your post history and see the patterns. If nothing changes, then nothing changes.

At this point, you need to make a decision and stick to it. You can call and talk him through work anxiety and losing girlfriends and being depressed for years if you want. Eventually, you'll become just as sick as he is. He's made his bed, and now has to lay in it.

Sorry to be blunt here, but these are things you need to hear.

Break ups happen to people with no addiction issues, work stress happens to people with no addiction issues. You say you "know he will crumble". Imagine he was just a regular young adult trying to find his path and think about how that would sound? You are treating him like a helpless child and you are the only one with a solution.. but really you are making the problem worse.

Sorry to be harsh I just don't think you're doing him or yourself any favors by trying to "rescue" him. Same as an addict has to give up control to get better, the people around them have to do the same thing..

He's an alcoholic and in early days of recovery. He had to learn how to LIVE life on life's term. How to deal with people. How to be sober me. And if I'd tried to do that all alone then I'd still be crazy depressed now, or I'd have cracked and be drinking again. Same as if I'd sought help from non-alcoholics. I needed help from folk who'd walked the path ahead of me. I live on the hope and strength that their stories gave me until I'd built up enough tools of living sober through working on my recovery to have some hope of my own.

There are plenty of options for recovery out there. This place being one of them. How come YOU are on here but HE isn't? Have you told him about it? I'm betting you have. Has he tried SMART or AA.

And yes, he is anxious. That's how we ALL were when our crutch was removed. That's why it's a case of getting desperate enough. YOU are desperate, but perhaps at the moment he's just miserable and has a little way left to go before he'll get that desperation and willingness.

Have you looked into AlAnon or similar for your self?

BB

Hi hummingbird,

I just started a new job myself. I was very nervous about my first week, and still have so much to learn. I came home exhausted each day, but it was a good exhausted. This is all normal, and expected when starting a job or career.

I hope and pray your son will decide to return to counseling. Learning to deal with all of life's challenges and emotions may go a long way to helping him succeed.

Sending prayers for you and your son!

Your son sounds just like me as a young man.

I could get sheepskins from colleges (3), but segueing into the real world of work, accountability and responsibilities was more than I could take.

I developed GAD and my depression (probably endogenous) got really bad.

I went to a couple of doctors and got meds (this was 35 years ago, back when tricyclic meds were the only antidepressants being widely used), tied them, quit and continued to drink and take benzo's.

My drinking and benzo plan didn't work out very well (to phrase the matter gently).

I ultimately gave up trying and went through treatment for my substance abuse problems.

I sought help for my depression and GAD 10-11 years later and finally became free of the daily symptoms of my problems.

My alcoholism has been resolved (at least on a daily basis through the AA program) and the meds have eliminated the symptoms of my depression and GAD.

I agree that your son needs treatment for his alcoholism.

The treatment personnel will also address his other problems.

I wish you and your son the best.

Keep us posted.

Your son is very much like my son was and still is at 37 years old.

I noticed my son was work shy after uni and he loved to party. We made the mistake of financing him for many years as he was trying to establish himself in a very competitive industry. He did work sometimes. Casual jobs that he either got fired from or walked out of. Once he did a sales job for 4 months before walking out.

He always had us to fall back on and that's the biggest mistake we made. It's only recently I stopped being the private banker and he's now living with his father, who hopefully has also stopped being the private banker. Our son is planning to return overseas in a couple of weeks.... to a place where weed is legal and micro breweries are abundant. The only difference is that I won't be paying for it any longer. I'm worried sick about him returning but I won't try and stop him. I've let go. You must let your son go too.

I realised my son was neither motivated or determined enough to establish himself in his chosen field, despite being extremely gifted. It's sad to see how he's wasted such golden opportunities. However, facts are facts. He put his love of weed and alcohol before anything else in his life. The result is a bleak and lonely future.... short term casual jobs, short term girlfriends who always end the relationship. Why choose to lead such a precarious life? Because he's an alcoholic and dope addict. All of his anxieties stem from that.

Like the others have strongly advised, step back and let your son live his life without any codependent interference from you. Let him go and let him fail. It's the kindest thing you can do for him long term.

It's very painful, especially if he's your only child as my adult son is but you have to stay strong and let him go. There's no other way. The years pass quickly and if you don't let go now, your son will be approaching 40 and his addictions will have progressed and his life a bigger mess than it is now.

Seek help for yourself and your own recovery from your love addiction.