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I'm living Benzo free Part 2

Old 03-11-2016, 10:48 AM
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Hey all,I drank Tues,wed,and yesterday, not happy with myself at all,will post more tomorrow
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Old 03-11-2016, 12:47 PM
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Hi everyone, so I had a day off and spent it crying. BAWLING. So raw, so much pain I can't even put my finger on. Maybe I needed it, I don't know, but it doesn't feel productive. I have so much to do, always behind and stressed. I feel very unfit for life and adulting...
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Old 03-11-2016, 05:53 PM
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Hi guys,
Winslow, I was wondering if something was wrong. It's so unlike you to not post, ya know? But, more importantly, you came back. Please try not to be hard on yourself. Just tell yourself "okay, I screwed up, but the past is in the past & I'm going to look forward w/a new vigilance." The next time you feel the urge to drink, come here ( or your class thread ) & we'll be here for you, k? I messed up too, about a yr ago...twice ( w/crack. ) But, I told myself that I wouldn't let it shake my determination to become clean. And it didn't. Xoxoxoxo!

Melki, your body has gone through a lot of changes lately. That alone would cause a person to break down and be very emotional. Plus, the added pressure of dealing w/a problematic child ( is he going through puberty? Sorry, I forgot if you stated his age. ) Add the trials of sobriety...well, you deserve a good cry. I'm also wondering if the wkends are more difficult for you?

Hi Wolfie, I hope your stomach is feeling okay.

Blacky, are you still okay?

Steely, I owe you a pm and will send it soon.

I decided to organize all my cds. I started last night and there's still cds in piles all over my living room lol. I have cds I didn't remember even having, so that was cool ( I had a bunch of them stored away in antique picnic baskets and luggage. ) I found a bunch of 90's alternative I forgot I had, slow music types, like Michael Bolton and Phil Collins and a bunch of country. I also had about 2 dozen duplicates too lol ( get em when I buy lots at auctions. ) I'm going to auction off the duplicates and undesirables & make some of my money back.

I had over 600 at 1 time, but I put them in leather albums and some jerk off stood em grrr!! All I had left was a few boxes of empty cases. That was in 2003 or 04 & I've managed to rebuild my collection pretty well ( I don't put them in cases anymore, plus we don't have people over that would steal them, like my daughter's bf lol. )

Tunes of the day...Breaking Benjamin, Tonic, Limp Bizkit, Bush and Michael Bolton. That last 1 brought back memories of when I 1st met my hubs almost 21yrs ago. We went to a Holiday Inn bar and they played Loved You, But I Lied. We danced and made out to the entire song lol. My hubs had long brown hair back then and was drop dead gorgeous! All the girls wanted him, but he was mine! He's still very handsome...& still mine.

Healing (( hugs )) for everyone.
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Old 03-11-2016, 07:17 PM
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Hope you are OK Winslow why do we do it? Back on the horse what else?

I know how you feel melki I am honestly just lying on the couch reading posts trying to reply but really doing nothing and so much to do. I think I'm a bit depressed and trying to remain above it, but it's hard. Trying to not give myself a hard time and figure that really getting sober takes longer than the 80 days I have clocked. Always mixed emotions and it's exhausting. You still out there Blacky? Hope all's good.

Best to all.
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Old 03-11-2016, 07:32 PM
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I'm feeling kind of off, I tried taking the lexepro again for a a few days after I was off it a week? .. but I felt wound up and agitated on that so I now am sure it is not right for me .. so now I have 2 days back off of it and am a bit unmotivated.

I also had the AV telling me I could squeeze in a 12 pack and not risk failing a test if one came next Tue. I fought that off and try and keep in mind how bad that would make me feel and where it would lead.

I have an appt. with the pill Lady on Tue. as well but I think I should maybe tuff it out a few weeks and see how I feel before jumping onto some other med.

So far so good I guess.
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Old 03-11-2016, 07:51 PM
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kzaug & Steely, my son is prepubescent, turning 11 soon. I shudder to think of puberty and teenage years. I feel helpless and extremely vulnerable. I'm too sensitive and thin-skinned and full of self-doubt. My head is full of mental parasites and chest is full of pain.

Yes, weekends are currently harder. It's really sad that the only thing I crave is oblivion from dealing with all of this... I really, really want to take Xanax again.

Steely,

Winslow & Blacky, feel better and fight off your AV.
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Old 03-11-2016, 08:12 PM
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Steely and Blacky and everyone, I think it's important to realize that in early sobriety, emotions will be all over the place...happy, sad, anxious, po'd, confused, hopeless, hopeful, av nagging at you, at peace. By early recovery, I mean at least a yr., sometimes more. Most of us have been addicted to 1 thing or another our entire life and it takes time for us to learn how to happily live life sober clean/sober. Extra Big ((( Hugs )))
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Old 03-11-2016, 09:09 PM
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Melki, are you seeing a therapist? Because I really think you must learn to believe in yourself. You've been through a lot and sometimes we need help. I saw therapists on n off for yrs. Some helped me a lot, others, not so much. I know what it feels like to feel like an elephant is sitting on your chest. It's anxiety and yes, a xanax will make it go away...for awhile and you need more more to get the same results. And, then yrs down the line, your entire brain chemistry has changed and you pretty much don't care about anything anymore. You're suffering from depression and very low self esteem. I've been there too and its not a good place to be. But, you need to take positive steps to help yourself. Write them down, right along w/your recovery plan. Steps like, call & make an appt. w/an addiction counselor or psychiatrist, go to appt, eat better, learn yoga, listen to soothing music, color adult coloring books, read a good self help book, meditation, start walking, etc. You're doing a great job staying connected here and seeking support. Also, plz remember the recent biological changes your body has gone through, which makes your feel like you're on a rollercoaster. Things will get better. Hang in there. (( Hugs ))
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Old 03-11-2016, 10:17 PM
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Thanks kzaug, I think we have to take a tip there melki these are still early days. I find myself posting on one thread the joys of life and sobriety and on another feel like I am the biggest jerk off of all time and that I'm deluded.

Really all that I want to do is to remain sober and start to engage in life. No magic formula no novel theories just a desire to enjoy being sober so that I can love life and deal with its contingencies as a well rounded human being. Not a big ask.

I muddle with my plans but I try to keep my eye straight and know that to drink would be to destroy and I'm sick of self-destruction. I don't think I've got another recovery in me, heard that in AANA somewhere.

Blacky, for the first time I had my AV (makes me feel weird to say that) whisper that a couple of coldies would go down really well but managed to give it the shake. Remembered that I am approaching the 3 month mark and that it holds pitfalls. Oh **** to drink would be disastrous and I'd know that in Spades the following morning. I'd be looking down a drain.

Just gotta keep feeling the way that I do and know, hope, pray that eventually things will begin to integrate and I will be able handle all of this crap even though I'm stoked at being sober. Guess it's the hard yards now but with plenty of tea breaks.

Out of my own experience with anti-depressants you could expect to feel a little off even after being on them only a short time. All I know is that it was really terrible tapering after years of having them prescribed.

Lost my reading glasses yesterday and it pissed me off because I was sober. Poor little petal. No way round it but through it.
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Old 03-12-2016, 05:57 AM
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Originally Posted by kzaug2014 View Post
Breaking Benjamin, Tonic, Limp Bizkit, Bush and Michael Bolton.
Breaking Benjamin roooaaaarrrrsss!!

Do you have the first Michael Bolton CD where he had huge heavy metal hair and almost knew how to rock? I think one of the songs from it was Fools Game?
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Old 03-12-2016, 10:26 AM
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I remember his rock god hair is it the same album with the songs said I loved you but I lied & I'm not made of stone ?
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Old 03-12-2016, 11:16 AM
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Michael Bolton IS God! I sleep in his hair and it's very comfy.
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Old 03-12-2016, 04:35 PM
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Did some work today, painting. I had no motivation but could not find any
reason not to go. I did save about $100 by mixing up 4 gals. or so of paint I have
to come up with an off white.

Good thoughts to everyone!
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Old 03-12-2016, 05:50 PM
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Smile

Looks like you didn't have enough motivation to press the thanks button for Michael Bolton either blacky. I know you're a fan.

Good you did the job. I did a few things and am trying to psych myself into washing one small wall. Now that I'm sober I can really see the cigarette smoke. Yuk!

Best to all
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Old 03-12-2016, 06:17 PM
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Hi guys,
Steely, love your closing line "No way round it, but through it!" I think that'd make a great signature.
Astro and Wolfie, I don't have Michael Bolton's 1st cd, but I remember the 80's glam hair on that album. I think it may have been self titled, but I may be wrong. I have Hitsville U.S.A. and the bonus cd it came with. Honestly, I think he's 1 of the very few rockers I think looks better w/short hair lol.

Blacky, way to save money! We sure have a thrifty group here huh. My oldest daughter is quite wealthy, but she still coupons like crazy, goes to garage sales and thrift shops. Her mommy rubbed off on her lol.

Winslow and Melki, how are you guys feeling?

(( Hugs )) & love peeps!
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Old 03-12-2016, 06:52 PM
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Thanks kzaug I remember hearing that being said by one of the few friends I had when going to AA. It stuck with me then too, even after stopping going to AA.

Always appeared as one of life's little truths, drinking or otherwise. I might follow your suggestion and use it as a signature if I can work out how to do it. Might help someone struggling.

Feeling a bit stir crazy today and know what I need to do but again it's the motivation.

Got to remind myself that motivation does not just arise out of the genie bottle I have to do something to keep it alive and not feel guilty about tea breaks. Why do I think that drinking would ever make it better? It's insane, because I know it won't it'll make it worse. Short term escape is bound to fail.
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Old 03-13-2016, 08:07 AM
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Ugh,I hate Michael Bolten(sorry) still feeling tired and fuzzy headed on day 3,this was really a stupid thing to do and I still can't pinpoint what happened, I know we make a plan to never drink again no matter what but I guess I always wonderedhow iI'd cope with a death,hubs leaving me,or job loss,not to good maybe? But NONE of that has happened, actually nothing happened, that's why I'm so baffled, you guys sound like you're doing pretty good😊 hope everyone enjoys the day
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Old 03-13-2016, 08:15 AM
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Originally Posted by Steely View Post
Michael Bolton IS God! I sleep in his hair and it's very comfy.
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Old 03-13-2016, 11:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Steely View Post
Thanks kzaug I remember hearing that being said by one of the few friends I had when going to AA. It stuck with me then too, even after stopping going to AA.

Always appeared as one of life's little truths, drinking or otherwise. I might follow your suggestion and use it as a signature if I can work out how to do it. Might help someone struggling.

Feeling a bit stir crazy today and know what I need to do but again it's the motivation.

Got to remind myself that motivation does not just arise out of the genie bottle I have to do something to keep it alive and not feel guilty about tea breaks. Why do I think that drinking would ever make it better? It's insane, because I know it won't it'll make it worse. Short term escape is bound to fail.
If you'd like to add a signature, you can go to your profile, look for "customize profile" & then "edit signature."

I know what you mean about motivation. For years, during my drug use, I was extremely lazy....no housework, no exercise, no extracurricular activities, no nothing. But, the longer I was clean, the more motivated I became. I started with the extracurricular activities...the fun stuff lol! I had to force myself with the more menial tasks. But, then something miraculous happened...forcing myself turned into just part of my routine. It's great!
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Old 03-13-2016, 11:23 AM
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Oh, btw Steely, I love your rocker emoticons! I think SR should add them to their existing group of emoticons! They're awesome!
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