Introvrtd1

Whenever Im having a feel good moment.....I mean when Im sitting there quietly occupied by some project or reading, or small event as simple as sitting still and waiting .....I catch myself feeling ....well, normal.

No anxiety, no negative thoughts, no worry......Then it hits me....Im having a really normal moment.....by normal I mean Im not stressing over some thought in my head or coping to get rid of that nagging feeling of anxiety sitting in my chest and stomach.....no thought for how Im breathing and getting worked up about maybe Im not ok....

But then....I feel I wanna mess that up and go back to that mess of coping with all that negativity because that was the norm in my life for a really long time....

I wanna mess that up by trying to inject negative thoughts in my head because I feel it isn't normal to feel normal and what right do I have to feel good,.....

Selling myself short of what I had before all this anxiety, drinking withdrawal horrible feelings of displeasure.....sigh

I know better than to mess that up....

Ive decided to, like the negativity that Ive coped with for so long, let the normal take over....let the happiness that Ive known long before I knew what anxiety and panic disorder was, to embrace my inner self. Ever remember what it was like as a kid at Christmas? or an ecstatic birthday party? or the overnight camping trip in the 6th grade?....yeah...like that...

I want that back....Im letting that come back....

Steely

Hi Intro, yes those feelings of being lesser than, not deserving, feeling guilty. Sometimes when I was happy I felt bad because someone else was unhappy, Sheee! I would say sorry if it my foot that was run over by the shopping trolley. Low self-esteem (drinking does that), confidence shot and executive part of my brain in chaos. It is getting better and each day that I don't pick my executive function improves. I feel better. Pretty sure it will have its ups and down but it's wonderful. I want to get it back too.

Dee74

sounds like a good plan Introvrtd - let the normal take over

D

kzaug2014

I think that's a fantastic plan, Intro! I'm a firm believer that positive thinking=happier life!
It sounds like you're doing really good too, Steely!
2016....Will be a great yr.!
(( Hugs ))

Steely

Thank you so much kzaug. Little boosts like yours help more than you would know.

Introvrtd1

Happy to be down a little over 25 lbs now....Its what Ive needed for so long....to lose weight....especially since I am on hbp meds. Being very overweight did not concern me when I was drinking.....I knew that one day I would have to face this....and that day has come....over 35 days ago....

Im not getting any younger.....

Dee74

Have you have a good weekend ahead Introvrtd

D

kzaug2014

That's great Intro! I'm right there w/ya! I need to shed another 30lbs. I started exercising last wk...40 mins/day. I haven't worked out since 2002 lol, so I'm pretty outta shape ugh.
I'm having all my blood work done next Mo. & am hoping my cholesterol & blood sugar turn out ok.
(( Hugs ))

Introvrtd1

Thanks Dee,.

I seem to be concentrating on how not to be anxious for the weekend....It seems now the thought of drinking used to exhilarate me on fridays.....now it really scares me...

I don't ever want to have another horrible withdrawal ever again...

Introvrtd1

Thanks kzaug!

Heres to hoping you will continue to do fabulous!

Intro

Introvrtd1

One thing that Ive noticed since..... I'm looking forward to getting to sleep at bedtime....sleep has been great lately...Especially with all the calming foods, teas, and supplements I've been taking before bed......

At the same time it worries me.....Life is to be lived. Awake! Alive with vibrant energy.... With that I feel like Im mellowed out all the time....Like Im afraid to be more alert instead of facing life in a stupor of relaxing herbs and drowsy inducing medications......

Am I wrong for feeling calm all the time? I want to be energetic but Ive associated it with anxiety.....thats not the thinking I want to have....I want to train myself to be naturally energetic yet calm all at once. Does this make any sense?

Sigh....

Its only been nearly 40 days.....Ive seen people post here saying the didnt feel normal for at least 90 days, six months, a year or two.....maybe Im rushing it...

.....

kzaug2014

I think that instead of worrying if you're doing something wrong, you should concentrate on what's going good...like staying sober, loosing 25lbs, sleeping well, etc...
(( Hugs ))

Introvrtd1

Yeah.....I know.

Introvrtd1

Sorry for these rants....

It was this same time last week that my (no not my), this anxiety has been bothering me to the point I can't ignore it...

Im thinking its just part of the healing process....Or am I bringing this on myself?.....

Several years ago before I started drinking, my anxiety was alwas on high or simmer.....during the drinking years my anxiety all but disappeared....As if I was transformed into a superhero feeling invincible.

That feeling morphed over a 14 year period from drinking several nights straight with no hangovers and working full time all day into a weekend only binge and monday morning crappy withdrawals feeling like crap all day and taking till friday to recover, only to do it all over again.

Weekend after weekend after weekend I would binge drink beer and on three day weekends maybe do vodka shot chasers. That and the constant anxiety that required more and more drink to keep it at bay.

No more! I got tired of being sick and tired!

So again maybe this is healing.....It took a long time to progress into this....guess its gonna take a long time to progress out...

kzaug2014

It's part of the healing process Intro. I do know from reading on the newbie and alcohol forum that people that heavily drink over a long period of time have heightened anxiety...which seems to be caused by years of drinking.
I'm not sure how much of your pre drinking anxiety you will have, but you will be much better equipped to handle it sober...through eating well, yoga, meditation, deep breathing, etc...
(( Hugs ))
P.S. No need to apologize for ranting. That's 1 of the purposes of SR!

Introvrtd1

One thing that really makes me anxious is driving to the airport......I hate driving to the airport because it makes me anxious and more than likely to have several anxiety attacks....

I have to drive a family member to the airport today....i really don't want to but nobody else can do it, not because they have anxiety but because they claim they fear getting lost.....This kinda makes me mad but at the same time i just bite my lip and do it. they are totally unaware of my anxiety but I don't want them to know how anxious it makes me....

See, the airport is about 30 mins away and totally isolated. I feel agoraphobic. Some of you may think 30 mins is nothing but to me it may as well be a five hour drive . I know....my drive to work is only 15 mins one way at 5amno traffic and very little stress.... no morning rush.

This airport trip is full of stressful traffic, a huge bridge (i hate bridges the give me big anxiety), and its isolated.

Sigh....I guess all the way up until I leave Ill be stressing this trip in my head and it only makes things worse...

Astro

All this talk about weight loss....I just got the results of a physical back. Everything great, except cholesterol, which is dangerously high. And of course, the answer: Diet, exercise, lose weight

They say that dark chocolate and red wine reduce cholesterol? Nahhhh!

D122y

Intro,

If you need a dr., see one....otherwise...

7 days clean...Physically you are out of the woods....Mentally....get ready for the anxiety train ride....

Depending on how long you have been drinking you could have months of crazy symptoms.

I felt jacked up for 6 months...... You name it, I felt it. It was all anxiety...imo...my brain learning to deal w life clean...

Each day is like 2 steps forward...1 step back...

Some days are good...some moments are amazingly perfect....it all depends on stuff like diet, sleep, weather, viruses..etc....but you are clean....clean...clean...stay that way...

The road to sobriety is long and bumpy, but wonderfuly strengthening......over 8 months for me...it has gotten better each moment...

My anxiety has lingered..but it has weakend....SR saved me....

Post, read, ask questions....24..7...

The main thing...never drink....we can live life w out the brain damage alcohol causes.

Alcohol is poison. Moderation is prison. Stay free. Don't believe the hype.

D122y

P.s. I still have driving anxiety...over 8 months now.....but...it is better every day...

I use breathing techs. And mindfulness....e.g. what am I feeling right now...it gets me out of the fight or flight feelings...

You can do it...it gets better...

Introvrtd1

Thanks D122y.....