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I'm living Benzo free

Old 12-01-2015, 03:26 PM
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Feeling much better today. I managed to eat lunch! I haven't had lunch in weeks!

I only had really bad anxiety around 2pm, maybe because I drank a big glass of juice (the fake ones from the convenience store with lots of sugar ). I have no idea what triggered the anxiety, I can only blame it on the sugar?

Right now I feel fine though, it only lasted an hour or so.
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Old 12-01-2015, 04:06 PM
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That's fantastic, Patricia. I'm so happy you're feeling better! I wish I knew about tapering, so I help w/the right advice, but I don't. The best I can do is imagine someone's feeling the way I did about 1-2mo's in.

Sugar is horrible for anxiety! Actually, all junk & processed food is bad for you. I'm a big believer that GMO ( genetically modified organisms or food ) was the beginning of the sharp decline of American people's health. GMOs are illegal in England ( & other countries, I suspect. ) But American farmers were going bankrupt & the introduction of GMOs seemed like a godsend. But, w/all the current research on GMOs, I think there's enough evidence provoking that GMOs are very bad for our health ( & that includes all the animals that eat GMOs too. ) The only problem is the cost of non gmo food. So, for right now, I quit sugar, caffeine, pop & eat for little processed food.

I'd like to add that I waited on the diet part of my recovery until just recently ( except caffeine & pop. ) I knew that I was eventually was going on a diet, but I wanted to make sure I was rock steady in my recovery. I probably would have quit sugar too if I had been aware of the fact that's it's really bad for anxiety, but my brain was hazy for a very long time. I quit opiates and benzos Aug. 2014, suboxine Feb.2015 & my thinking didn't start to clear up until Apr or May.

I would still recommend buying a book on self love, Patricia. I'm not sure what book I'm going to get yet. Something that addresses hanging all your happiness on your spouse. My life was sh___ for the 1st 28yrs ( abusive childhood & abusive 1st marriage. ) So, when I met my hubs nearly 22yrs ago, I viewed my hubs as my white knight in armor. Problem is, if he were to be gone tomorrow, I'm pretty sure I'd revert back to the insecure, unhappy girl. I just want to learn to love me for me, not because my hubs loves (( Hugs )).
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Old 12-01-2015, 04:28 PM
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Hey all,Patricia I get that afternoon anxiety too,that's usually when it kicks in actually, still wondering about Ismybella,I hope she's ok,that's the pproblem with docs prescribing benzos like candy,they take them away just as quick as they give them,when the new doc stepped in when my regular psychiatrist left,he was so horrible to me!treated me like I was a filthy,drug seeking freak,he was only there for 2 months,I think they got rid of him cuz he was probably pulling the same stuff with all the patients at my clinic,sleep is still absolutely horrid!took 5 htp last night it didn't help me sleep but I actually felt good today surprisingly, I'm still on caffeine and lots of it,could be why my sleeps screwed,hope everyone has a nice evening
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Old 12-01-2015, 06:26 PM
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I'm still looking for a book kzaug. I did a little bit of research on Amazon last night and I'm going to do some more today. I would love to read something that addresses hanging all your happiness on your spouse! I do that too!
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Old 12-01-2015, 06:28 PM
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Have you tried meditating before bed Winslow? I find it really helpful. Youtube is a great place to find meditation videos, sometimes I even fall asleep before the video is over.
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Old 12-01-2015, 09:08 PM
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Hi guys!
I'm really glad to see you, Winslow. Yea, there are bad apple docs around, but that's to be expected. They're human too & some them are in it for the money. My hubs PA ( that got me booted from my doctor's office last yr ) was an extremely conniving person. I don't think I've told that story yet.

My hubs & I had been going to the same doctor's office ( different doctors though ) on & off for about 8yrs. There was a brake in there, but a total time of 8yrs. Anyhoo, I also had been seeing a pain specialist at the same office & my hubs had seen her earlier on. He wanted to see her again, but needed a referral from his PA.

The pain specialist knew my hubs well, so she talked to his PA about referring him. A few mos went by, no referral. So she talked to him again. Again, no referral. She talked him 1 final time, 7mos from when she originally talked to him.

My hubs had an appt. set & was to see this PA in 2 wks.. Strangely, his nurse called me & told me that my hubs PA wanted to meet w/me, regarding my hubs. And he wanted to meet w/me in a wk, at the moved up appt. time. This was highly unusual for 2 reasons. One...never in my life had I'd gone to my hubs GP appts. Specialists yes, gp no. Secondly, why did he make a new appt, when my hubs already had a,set appt?

But I was taking methadone, Norco & klonopin, so my head wasn't in the right place for the prior 10yrs. Ugh! We went to the appt. & the 1st words outta that PAs mouth were "so you're the woman who thinks I'm a lousy doctor." If I had had my bearings about me, I would have known he was bating me. But, I didn't so instead, I said "1st of all, your not a doctor yet & yes, I think you're a lousy PA!" Yikes lol! I always had such balls on those meds lol.

He told me that under no circumstance would he ever refer my hubs to the pain specialist. Also? He never addressed my hubs during "his" appt. He continued chewing me out & this time, I just burst out in tears & asked him what kind of doctor ( so to speak ) was he??? As he left that exam room, he told me that he was going to see to it that I lost my own doctor. He told me this going out the door purposely because he knew I'd follow him in the hallway. That was part of his complaint against me...that I got too loud in the hallway, which I did, but when the nurse told me to plz be more quit, I did.

By this time, I was a total wreck! Half bawling, half pissed & 100% confused. I told him "good luck, I've been here for 8yrs! You just started last yr.!"

I really never thought that he could actually have me kicked out of my doctor's office because I didn't think I had done anything wrong. A 1wk. later, not only did my dismissal letter come, but my hubs too. And he said a word to him lol.

When I had my last appt w/my own doctor, I was so leary that I recorded the appt. She didn't even want to hear a word I had to say, at 1st. She was a cold fish ( always had been really. ) But, I asked her "how she could just throw me under the bus w/out talking to me at all?" & "was she aware of the fact that this had absolutely nothing to do w/lies the PA had written about me." Finally, "didn't she know me by now?" She finally gave in & listened to my side. When I left, she told me that she expected that visit to go much much differently lol.

I had 1 last appt. w/my pain specialists as well. She told me she had gone to bat for us, but there was nothing she could do. I have no idea if she really did go to bat for us, but it was a nice thing to say.

Patricia, I'm sure there's a proper term for it, other than I'm confident because my hubs has my back lol. I research a bit. I'm really glad you found something that works for your insomnia!

I'm also worried about Isamybella. I sure hope she's not feeling horrible ( & if she is, I hope she can successfully get through it. )
In order to sleep better, you may want to lay off the coffee a bit. I can just see how it could become a merry go round routine...Didn't sleep well last night, need extra caffeine today, but w/all the caffeine, now I can't sleep well. Yay know? Maybe when you have a day off, you could forgo the coffee & see if you sleep any better ( may take a couple days in a row though. ) I'm tel

(( Hugs )) to everyone!
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Old 12-01-2015, 09:26 PM
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Oops, last paragraph was suppose to be addressed to Winslow.
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Old 12-01-2015, 11:33 PM
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I took a nap this afternoon & that's something I rarely do...for good reason! I normally hit the hay between 11 & 12. It's now 2:30am & I'm still not tired ugh!
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Old 12-02-2015, 05:28 AM
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Hey all,Kzaug,where do you live?you don't hafta be specific just the area,sounds like a horrible experience at that docs office! Is that why you had to cold turkey? I wouldn't be able to function withoutcoffee, sleep will come eventually, Patricia, I have tried meditation but I've been lazy about it lately,that and exercise have been on the back burner,just making sure I stay off the booze right now,I hope.Isamybella iisn't having a tough time,maybe she just signed up,got bored with the forum,people come and go on these things all the time,will post more later,gotta get ready for work, hope everyone has a nice Wednesday😊
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Old 12-02-2015, 06:18 AM
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I live in Western Michigan, Winslow. Yea, that was the PA that was responsible for having me thrown out of my doctor's office. But, the reason I was suddenly w/out any meds goes a bit deeper.

I had a doctor I absolutely loved for 3yrs. ( at that same office. ) But, he got a better job offer & after that, I ended up w/the cold fish doc.

So, when I lost my doc, I called & made an appt w/the doctor I had liked a lot. I would have to drive an hr., but I thought he was worth it & he had prescribed my methadone, norco & klonopin for 3yrs., so I wasn't at all worried about my meds.

I had my appt w/him 1 day before I ran out of my meds. But, he was unable to refill any of them because he said the new healthcare system he worked for had different rules than the prior system. He also said that different counties have different drug regulations pertaining to class A meds. It was all rather confusing to me, plus I was too busy flipping out lol.

My mother died 3 days later & I was expected to give her eulogy. There was no way humanly possible that I was going to be able to do that.

I had no idea where to get methadone on the streets, but a friend of a friend was a heroin addict, so he hooked us up.

The 1st day I ever did heroin was on the same day as my mother's funeral. Yep, I gave her eulogy all f___ up. Not 1 of my prouder moments.

Your right about people disappearing. It happens quit a bit, unfortunately. But, sometimes they come back.

Have a great day at work!

Patricia, you too, k?

(( Hugs ))
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Old 12-02-2015, 06:29 AM
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I'm going to read the posts when I calm down a little bit. I woke up with the most horrible anxiety.

I am worried about my husband's work. I know there's something going on but he is being too protective because he knows about my anxiety, and he won't tell me what it is.

So now I have this feeling in my stomach, that there's something wrong, and I can't stop this "What if" worrying. I'm going crazy, but I don't want to up my dose, that'll cause more anxiety later. Trying to go through the day is going to be tough.
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Old 12-02-2015, 07:14 AM
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Patricia, you need to learn to stop worrying. I come from a long line of worriers & I use to worry about anything & everything!

Ask yourself this "will my worrying change my husband's work situation?" Take any situation, break it down & ask yourself will my worrying change the situation?

I just posted a mini autobiography on my friend's thread in the substance abuse forum. In 2yrs., I had to call an ambulance for my hubs over 50 times. After a yr., I started having panic attacks & was diagnosed w/PTSD. I would literally flip out every time I thought my hubs was sick.

I saw psychiatrists for 10yrs. Nothing seemed to help me. Until I got & stayed clean. I came here to SR & it was here that I learned about CBT ( Cognitive behavioral therapy. ) I learned to break down whatever I feared. I haven't flipped out once since I recovered from withdrawals.

You have the determination. Now you just need the know how, support & the time clean.

Big ((( Hugs ))) hun!
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Old 12-02-2015, 11:38 AM
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I read your story. You are giving me so much hope kzaug!

I'm trying to stop these thoughts, worrying won't change or solve anything. But the thoughts keep coming back. I wonder if I'm just going crazy because of the withdrawals. I cut down my dose 2 days ago. Is this drug really that powerful? I just don't want to up my dose today. I hope I can go through the rest of the day without going crazy.
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Old 12-02-2015, 11:53 AM
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I think it most likely is from cutting your dose, Patricia. But, hang in there because you don't want to take a step back & have to just taper a different day. And, yes, benzos really reek havoc on people. I just hope doctors stop prescribing them so much, but I doubt it!

That story I posted was only 9-10yrs of my life, from my late 20's to my late 30's. Even though it may sounds like a lot of problems, those were happy yrs ( in between all the medical catastrophes. Lol! The most horrible yrs of my life were from age 27 & before. Haven't talked about those yrs yet., but I will someday!

Big (( hugs ))
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Old 12-02-2015, 01:20 PM
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It has to be from cutting my dose. It's mid afternoon and my hands are still shaky. I went for a walk and it didn't help much, I think I'm going crazy. But you're right, if I take another dose I'll have to start all over again tomorrow.
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Old 12-02-2015, 01:36 PM
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Good going Patricia! Keep it up hun.
You said that meditation w/UTube helps you sleep. Have you tried this today?
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Old 12-02-2015, 01:46 PM
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I couldn't make it kzaug. I took an extra dose. I am having a horrible time today and nothing seems to help with the anxiety. I feel bad but at least I didn't run up to the liquor store like I did in the past. I didn't know what else to do.
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Old 12-02-2015, 02:04 PM
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Don't feel bad hun. You still posted & that's important. Beating yourself up doesn't accomplish anything and tomorrow's a new day! I have faith in you.

Big (( Hugs ))
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Old 12-02-2015, 02:10 PM
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Prayers going out to all the victim's families in California today.
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Old 12-02-2015, 02:11 PM
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Patricia,when I had to rapid taper back in February, I ran into your situation, I tried EVERYTHING to calm down! Valerian,tension tamer tea,5htp,a weed oil pill and a melatonin all in one night,it was that ugly withdrawal anxiety that's not inyour head but physical,finally had to take the other piece of my klonopin to calm down and sleep,the next day I was a-ok and just resumed my taper,never had another panicky moment at that dose,so don't worry, you didn't hurt your taper with one day, just pick up tomorrow😊
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