savarna

Hi team im new here i have suffered since the age of 5with anxiety and ocd which studies prove its a anxiety coping mechenism , since my first drink at 12 i loved it as it took away my anxiety, so now at 33 im a anxious alcoholic in recovery . I have suffered low self esteem and eating disorders most my life, now at 33 i compete in fitness competitions and keep as fit as possible just so i feel ok with myself , its so hard being so negative all the time . My partner hates this and threatens to kick me out of his house if i dont improve this self esteem issue , the reason is that i constantly ask him questions about my looks eg, have i gained weight , have i got wrinkles etc ,i drink because when i do i feel beautiful ,but im sure i dont look it being smashed out of my head ,yesterday he said if do this **** anymore i will be kicked out with my / his two children . Now im petrified as i dont work and i have been a mother of my two babies for 5 years, this self esteem thing is something that hasnt improved with counselling or self help counsellors , another thing is he says you wont survive in the big wide world and you will crawl back , etc. i feel so sad confused well atleast im sober , I feel scared for me and my children always being threatened to be kicked out I know it's my fault due to my issues

Sarayu

Savarna -- I truly feel your pain. The first thing that comes to mind is that the alcohol will absolutely NOT help you feel better in the long run. I can hear the hurt through your message and pray that you can find some relief. First of all, are you attending any meetings or support groups? Secondly, remember that you are a child of God -- this makes you equal to everyone including your partner. Let's say that even if you were overweight or unattractive (which you clearly are not), you would still deserve love, kindness, and appreciation just like everyone else. I will not address the 'walking on eggshells' you are experiencing in your home as I'm certain it's multi-faceted. Being kicked out for drinking is one thing, but your children certainly do not deserve to be homeless. Is there any way that you can say to yourself one thing - "I am worthy in God's eyes." If you're not religious, please try to look at it from a spiritual perspective. The Universe is balanced with human equality. No one should judge just because they sin differently than you. The anxiety is based in fear. I'm praying for you that you find comfort. I'm so sorry for how you're feeling.

matt4x4

Sounds like an unhealthy relationship. Sounds like you put up with the put-downs from him. Which is what you are used to. This can and will go on for the rest of your life, picking men that always put you down. Probably has a lot to do with child hood trauma as thats what everything boils down to. Maybe its time to put down the bottle, stop working out, put away the needles and pills and find a job. What an amazing concept. Perhaps try a 12 step program that will teach you a thing or two about your problem.

Climber122

Hi Savarna,

It seems you have three distinct situations apart from the general anxiety disorder you describe, and it's no wonder you are feeling a lot of fear right now! Fear of losing your home, your partner, and being responsible for your children through it all would be terrifying to anyone. I can just re-affirm the earlier comment that you are a highly valued human being who is loved, and that if you seek help and stay sober, you will have a better chance of finding it.

Your situation is fairly complex, and I wonder... can you find a professional you can trust? If counselors did not work for you, could you try a new one? If opposed to that, do you have a religious faith you can lean in to? OR perhaps the group approach if money is an issue: have you tried AA or NA? There are people out there who can help (and honestly, people who will not be helpful) in all these groups, so please keep trying to find a way. Drinking will only make the anxiety worse, and while it may seem like an escape, it sounds as if it is not helping your situation in any way. Even so, the desire to tune out must be overwhelming. The sooner you can get someone who you are compatible with working with you and advocating for you in navigating the challenges of what life has in store for you, the sooner you can be heading towards a less anxious future.

guiab

I cannot add much to has already been posted here - you have great worth,and you should keep looking for help. Sometimes it takes a few, or several, tries to find the right combination of groups, counselors, and spirituality.
I commend you on keeping fit. Fitness alone will not solve your issues, but I'd say its an essential part of the mix. It has been a key ingredient in my recovery (alcoholic parents, PTSD). The one thing I kept up from elementary school to this day is working out (mostly running or hiking, with occasional weights ) at least 3 days a week. It has kept me going and out of serious trouble. Al-anon has helped greatly over the past 6 years, and at 51, I think I have found the right treatment for the PTSD.
A workout club (running club or similar) may be helpful as part of that mix (although it could be a challenge with kids).

nicole100

1. I am sorry you are going through this and feeling this way.
2. From what you say, he sounds more like a bully than someone who wants you to be comfortable in your own skin.
3. He cannot "kick out" his own shildren...nor you for that matter iiif you are not working without providingfinancial support.
4. You are stronger than you think and OF COURSE you wll survive without him. Sounds like you just might be better off.

Either way, remember how amazing you are. Right now. This second. And never let anyone tell you otherwise.

SineadOConnor

Well, its all been said. Fight for your children's happiness along with yours. It may not appear happiness is anywhere around right now, but we must strive for that. It is my opinion, you owe that to your children. You are worth more than you think and as mentioned, we are strong. Bully, the partner is. Keep on keepin on and go and get what you need emotionally. The help is out there.