goodgirl82

Today is day 25 of being sober!

In mid-March I quit my job at a bar. I was drinking before, during, and after work and had a long commute. My addiction took hold in a big way and I knew that if I continued down the path I was on either I would die or someone else would due to my reckless decisions while drunk. A bar is not a place for an alcoholic.

Also around this time, I began an intensive outpatient program. I have just over a week left of this program and am still unemployed. As the weeks go by I am becoming more and more agoraphobic. I spend the first part of my day looking up AA meetings I could attend. I google map all of the addresses and freeze. Finally I give up on the idea of going to a meeting and go for a run. I then start looking up job postings. Rarely do I get through reading the entire posting before closing the window. Next, I consider what I need to go to the store for. After too much time looking at recipes and writing my list, I finally make it to the store. At the store I walk as fast as I can and get back home as soon as possible. I go to IOP three days a week, but that and spending time with my husband in the evening is the extent of my social interaction.

I often find myself sitting straight up on the couch, looking right through the television -- definitely not watching it. My breathing starts to get weird and eventually I force myself to accomplish one task (i.e. cleaning kitchen or making bed). I then find somewhere else to sit stiff at, paralyzed by the pressure of what I think I should be doing.

I blame this complete lack of functionality on how small my world is. I need to start volunteering or doing anything that'll expand my world, but I am having a hell of a time getting myself to leave the house. I have long suffered from anxiety, but this is getting ridiculous. When I do get into public spaces, especially ones where an escape is not obvious/easy, I freak out. Heart beat gets funny, feel hot and sick, difficulty breathing etc.

I used to take a couple of shots or have a drink before leaving the house, but that is no longer an option, obviously. Does anyone relate to this type of anxiety and have advice?

redhead1982

Hi hun.....i feel for you soo much. Ive had social anxiety disorder and agrophobia since i was 15- it literally just happened one day- walking down the street i suddenly felt extremelt self concious- even thought that people were looking at me from behind their curtains- well it just got worse after that-it was torture just going to the corner shop for fags. my dad became like my carer- he would take me everywhere. he died nearly 3 yrs ago suddenly in his sleep and my world just collapsed in a second- i dont know how i managed it, but i got my licence and moved here to ireland with my little boy, bought a house and started a new life-there was nothing left in london for me anymore. im here nearly 2 yrs and it still hasnt gone away-but my car is my lifeline- i have never even walked down the main street and into the small town i now live in- even if i have to go outside the front door to call my son in for lunch its torture- that im standing outside and i know people in their houses can see me- if i do shopping im in and out like a shot. ive been drinking heavily for the past year, probably due to grieving still, being alone and isolated, having mental health problems- i also have borderline personality disorder and depression. I cant say i have much advice hun as i feel like mine is a life sentence, like its never gonna go away- but maybe some self help books/cd's? ive got tons, not that i stick to them its a very lonely illness, people just cannot understand what it feels like.xx

goodgirl82

Hi, thanks for sharing your experience with me. I can definitely relate to this bit about the extreme self-consciousness and thinking people are watching from behind their curtains. I have to pump myself up to just walk to my mailbox because I just know someone is watching me, even though I'm quite certain everyone has better things to do than watch me get my mail! It's absurd. There is a neighbor behind my house who keeps the window partway open and has a direct view of my house; I feel on view all day and uncomfortable spending time in my backyard.

Are you still drinking heavily? From my experience, the drinking made my anxiety worse. I always thought it helped but no longer believe that. It kept me from fully confronting the underlying fear surrounding my interaction with the world around me. I'm only 4 weeks sober at this point so I have a long way to go in figuring out how to be fully present and not in panic mode. It helps to hear from people like you who struggle as well, in fact today when I went to the store I thought about your story and slowed my pace and even attempted eye contact with some people I walked by. Small steps.Take care, at least your son forces you out of your comfort zone somewhat.

peanutter

I can completely relate. Also 25 days clean and sober. Diagnosed bipolar with ptsd and generalized anxiety disorder. My pdoc has put me on Lexapro, which is an antidepressant and used for anti anxiety. you might benefit from it short term.

Nanoo32

I totally understand where you are coming from, struggling the same way. I had to leave work in order to stay sober I have 75 days under my belt so far. In the first few weeks I only left my house once or twice a week to attend medical appointments and CBT therapy. I have been taking 10 mg of Cipralex for three years and was on 25 mg of Seroquel for 2 months (just stopped them) Seroqeul helped with the racing thoughts and forced my brain to focus on one thing at a time. I was just like you feeling I had to return to work and be "productive" right away. Take this time to heal, do things you enjoy doing even the simple things. Do away with the task list and take one day at a time. Trust me it gets better the first 6 weeks off work I was so anxious and felt so guilty about staying at home but I needed it, and still do. Put your sobriety first, also how is therapy and are you on any meds? No medical professional would really work with me until I got sober which is sad because I struggled so much with my anxiety. Best of luck to you and hang in there!

goodgirl82

75 days, congrats!! Wow. Today I have 30 days, it's a good feeling. I know what you're saying is true, taking this time to heal is essential and I'm lucky I have the opportunity to do so. I convince myself of this daily and I'm starting to believe it, I just put a lot of pressure on myself to make the most of this time. I reread my original post and I find that even five days later things have improved at least slightly. Sometimes bringing the fears/anxiety to out in the open help diminish it's significance and is a start to small changes for the better.

I'm not on any medication. I was on paxil a while back and found that it made me extremely depressed, even suicidal. I could try another one, but would prefer to see exactly what I'm like/how I deal with things sober first to get a baseline. I have been a heavy drinker for so long that I want to get to know myself substance/medication free and take it from there.

As far as the therapy, I was seeing a therapist while still drinking a lot and realized that until I dealt with the alcohol issue I would not be able to effectively use our hour together. I made the decision to stop seeing the general therapist and enter the outpatient program. Most of the issues I brought to the original therapist are no longer relevant now that I'm not drinking. CBT therapy.... really helpful for you? I am considering trying that out.

Thank you for your response!