firefly2

Throughout my several months of continued sobriety, I can't seem to shake my social anxiety. I thought maybe after a couple months sober, I'd gradually ease out of my social awkwardness and adapt to my new sober life. However, I have such a hard time meeting new people in sobriety - especially women. I have a lot of anxiety around other women because of some traumatic experiences from my past that I won't delve into at this time. I realize it's important for me to have female friendships, but it feels almost impossible to break through that initial discomfort of getting to know someone new. AA has not been helpful, and I've had various negative experiences with women in AA -lack of reliability, friends turning their backs on me when I relapsed and reached out to them for help. It's put a sour taste in my mouth and I have subsequently developed a mistrust of AA because of the rejection I've felt by people I thought I could rely on.

Does anyone have any advice (other than AA) for breaking free of my social anxiety? It's so hard for me to even go out to dinners because when I see others drinking around me, my anxiety kicks in and I feel the sudden urge to escape. I worry this is turning me into a recluse, and I miss the social person I used to be. Sometimes I miss alcohol, just because of the way it helped relieve my social anxiety - the number 1 reason I drank in the first place.

Any words of advice would be much appreciated. I'd also like to hear from others who relate. I could really use the support right now. Thanks so much.

catmilkyo

Hi firefly. I also noticed that when I got sober, anxiety was there - particularly around social situations. It has taken a while for me to put myself out there, regardless of the anxiety I feel. I really think that social anxiety is more common than most of us think and probably much less "pathological."
Medications haven't helped me and benzos were part of my problem. What is proving to be helpful for me is a meditation practice. The community I get at a meditation center is wonderful, and through the practice I become better able to handle my anxious states without wanting to run. I notice when I'm anxious and I note it without reacting. I am aware of the ways I automatically tense up in my body and how that leads to increased mental anxiety, etc. If you've ever been interested in meditation or mindfulness therapy I recommend it.

Otherwise, I'm sure there are other worthwhile things to check out. I let anxiety and missing my old social activity keep me messed up in the past. Life changes when you're sober and I like to think that even if I'm not as busy with socializing the quality of my social interactions has improved and I actually feel connected in a real way when I interact with people now. My drunk and drugged interactions were superficial. Also, Ive used my alone time to pursue more reading, exercise, school work, etc . . . Hope this helps and take care.

Toss

Firefly,

No solution just to say I feel the same way. I was very shy growing up and to this day very socially awkward. I have school kids, so I have to be social to some extent. I try to breath deeply and envision that the other people are just people. If I feel intimidated, I just sit back or move along.

I am on an anti-depressant that is for social anxiety. Not sure if it works because most of the time I've been on it, I was driniking, which nullifys most of it.

I found doing casual social events with groups of friends (going to the movies, sporting events, etc...) where you are not one on one with people helps. Sit back and observe how people act and it won't feel so awkward.

In my twenties I was a hermit, very little social interacton because it was painful and caused me massive anxiety. Just look for group activities that you are interested in until you find one you like, then you can blend in.

Toss

ZiggyB

If you can afford to get to a therapist I would recommend it, also there are some medications which may possibly help. I know it's difficult though, I struggle with it at times myself. I'm usually good with people in small groups but large groups and parties are still kind of painful.

TrixMixer

Hi Firefly,

I hear you. Alcohol was the ice breaker , so to speak. Once you give that up your whole Social scene has to change. I know I had to give up all of the people I hung out with at Clubs, because they of course were still drinking. So I stopped going to clubs, and found it was best for the first actual year not to even think about having a relationship with anyone.

The realization that I was no longer a part of "that" addictive world left me pretty much alone with no one but myself for company. First it was SOOOOOO boring, but you know I began reading every book I could get my hands on about Alcoholism, and found what I was feeling was very normal. I did not even want to go to AA meetings, because I felt everyone was into their own drama, and only I knew "me", and frankly didn't like the idea of getting to know any of them, I had enough baggage to deal with.

Anyway good news is "this sober transitioning time allowed me to understand the alcoholic in me and who I really was" After all we all know Alcohol is our alter ego in a way--the way we want the world to see us. Without that crutch I found myself to be someone I was meeting for the first time, and being honest with. A funny thing happened on the way to sobriety, I actually began liking my self--more comfortable with me than anyone else.

The socializing will happen but be patient it is natural--you just lost you best buddy, your drinking pal, the one that spurred you on in social situations. In time your new best buddy will show up, and SURPRISE it will be none other than you. When that happens you will be able to see more clearly as to what social situations you enjoy, and what kind of person you want to be with.

God knows all my buddies, and boyfriends were drunks it was a whole new ballgame.

I will say I have more friends now than I ever had, a wonderful husband, a life that most people dream about.....who knew??
Best of all I always make sure each person I get to know are informed that I am in recovery....and that in itself helps other people open up. I actually think I have helped more people discover their addiction by just telling them my story, in a very light hearted way. Guess they look at me and say hey she was a drunk, and smoked 3 packs a day hhmmmmmm maybe it's worth a try. ....and of course we know if it's you're time ---it is sooo worth it

....and you know, Firefly, their are antidepressents that will make this first year of transition a little easier in your neurotransmitters ( those little things that are probably responsible for us being alcoholics to begin with).
Always, Always, seek out medical counseling for this part of treatment.

Continued sucess in your journey through a sober life. It will be so worth it, you will see.

Lauren30

I too am suffering from anxiety...almost all day every day! I am seeing a therapist (for the first time) and have recently started taking medication. I am discovering that my drinking numbed me to all the stresses in my life! I was always the "happy optimistic one" all the time, no matter that there were serious life altering things happening.....now that I'm having to deal with them I am anxious anxious anxious! It sucks, but I am powering through. I know that no matter what I am feeling....I can't take a drink! I am learning to meditate and take deep breaths when I feel anxious! I've also found that talking about it to anyone who will listen helps! Just don't drink over it and it will get better!

DoubleBarrel

In my case, the more exposure the better it gets, and I think the reverse is true.

I think you have to get uncomfortable, and deal with it, until it gets mundane, then keep doing more and more.

The truth is, most people have some social anxiety. Thats the reason that alcohol is served at most every social function.

But if I were to avoid social situations, it could become a downward spiral resulting in me being a recluse.

You have to be willing to push yourself a bit.

Early on, this might be hard, but the longer you've been sober, I think this is part of growing and dealing with the emotions masked by using.

Good luck!

Happier

Maybe it is possible that the social anxiety has nothing to do with alcohol other than the anxiety may be why we first started drinking. Now in sobriety though, we each have to learn how to appropriately handle it. (i.e. not drinking or using)

There are thousands of people that suffer from social anxiety that have never even thought about touching alcohol. How do they deal with it? Maybe it would be helpful to check into Toastmasters or Dale Carnegie courses. Both of those include exercises to get more comfortable talking with or even in front of groups.

I think this is just another case of how we must face our fears or otherwise be controlled by them. We have to get way out of our comfort zone in order to do this but thankfully there are people, places, and courses that allow us to work our way into these things. Eventually they just get easier and we become better, stronger people for having dealt with the challenge.

I wish you the best. Please realize you are not alone. You can search plenty of other non-addiction related websites to see that people across the world are dealing with the same concern. You can do this and you deserve the better life that waits for you on the other side of this challenge.

TrixMixer

This is My opinion only!

Think about what made us start drinking. Heredity may have had a part,so part of the risk was there in our genetic makeup. Why did my mom not become an alcoholic, when it was her father who was the alcoholic in my family.




I began drinking to let loose from the control I always felt I had to have. It allowed me to shut my mind down and just BE, but it did it in such a way as to make me feel untroubled , unburdened, free from uniformity. What was expected of me was one thing, but I never wanted that responsibility. Something in my brain processed things differently then reality, so I drank just to stop the chatter going on in my head. Chatter by the way that was about as far from normal perception as you can get.

My counselor , whom I give all the credit too, was perceptive enough to see I drank to medicate myself. What would happen if I could get thru the first few weeks of sobriety ---then I would be dealing with the raw emotion of the problem. So after the first month she prescribed an antidepressant, one that takes a month to fully complete the dosage. My blood was tested weekly to make sure this was the right med, and this med allowed my brain to process things like normal people, thus allowing me to work with her in some cognitive thinking workshops. Believe me I would love to take credit for one day just putting away the liquor and NEVER wanting another drink, and doing it without AA.

I am not that good , but I do wonder how so many have relapses and I was able to stop and never go back--It sure wasn't because I was so strong. I was so messed up I did not think anything I had was worth living for. I lost some 30 lbs. in an AIDS infested world, and believe me don't think people did not look at me funny. It was not until the meds kicked in that I began to see my way home.

As you can tell I am a huge supporter of medical and psychological help throughout the beginning stages of sobriety. Try to find a counselor you feel comfortable with and work with them. Make sure they have been in recovery themselves, they will know everything you are talking about with little explanation.

Again, my opinion ONLY!!

Lauren30

Checked out a few sites about PAWS it really helped! And gave me hope!

TrixMixer

Hi Lauren,

Since you have begun seeing a therapist (which by the way is a good thing), they will be the one to guide you through your anxiety (which is normal).

I know I was given one of the first antidepressants called Pamelor--that was 25 years ago, their are so many wonderful choices today. It will just take the edge off,

Again, always check with your doctor before beginning any med therapy, k?

TheRabbit

I have had social anxiety my whole life. It was there before the drugs and alcohol and was there waiting for me with open arms when i got clean. For me it never goes away , but what has changed is the way in which i choose to experience it. The best analogy i can think of is a callous. Like when i started playing guitar i would play for 10 minutes and my fingers would be sore. But after years and years i still play , for much much longer , with no pain at all. My body simply adjusted to it. The irritant is still there , the strings are no softer than they were 15 years ago , but I'm so much stronger now. Repetition and controlled exposure seemed to be the best therapy for me.