Don't feel any fight left...
 

I don't feel as though I can fight another minute..the anxiety, the panic, the flashbacks since my mom came heer..I am not going to share the one memory I am so disturbed by it though.....I am going crazy I believe, and I hate myself for that. I used to be strong and would face every fear and do it!! I couldn't go an dget cigs several times...could not go through the door. I am so ashamed and tired of this BS...I can't fake it anymore. I am miserable and feel less than human...and I don't care who hates me for that...I just have this deep feeling...I do not care, anymore. I have no strength to care, no will to fight. A tiny part of my soul sees the light..but it's dim and dimming quick. I am praying so hard this passes, but then I think I do not care. I don't believe in giving up, but it is possible to give out isn't it? Or am I just not trying the right way?? What am I doing wrong..could someone please tell me? I cannot fake being well another minute. I am not alright.....not everything broken can be fixed I guess. I apologize for the pitiful rantings I have written, but I feel as though I am freefalling through an emotional hell. I try so damned hard to be positive and act "normal' whatever that is. I have to vent all these feelings or I feel I will explode. I amtruly sorry, but they say it's better to let it out. I would totally humiliate myself it helped me...:confused:

2stop,
THIS TOO SHALL PASS!!! dont give up hope 2stop. ive experienced similar moments when it feels like the sky is falling, but now im beginning to realize that in the midst of all the darkness theres always some light. just dont give up! and remember that your not doing anything wrong, these things just come and we have to deal with them. DONT GIVE UP! GOD BLESS!

dotcom

Thank you dotcom..I am trying, as hard as I can.
Thanks for the encouragment. ((Hugs))

i have read alot of your posts and you sound so strong. YOu may not feel strong, but I can tell that you are. I am so sad and scared, just as you are. I think one of the reasons that I used things was that I hated being depressed and wanted to avoid it at all costs. I want to be able to someday say, though, that I used for two years and be grateful for that time, even though it has caused me dispair. I did have alot of good times in the beginning, but in the end, there were none. So I was guilty then and depressed now, and I can't say that either is the better feeling. They both just suck. So, to keep those that I love and better try to FEEL my way, I am choosing not to take anything today. :)

You are safe and loved here.No one will hate you for needing to say these things.You are gently hugged in the loving arms of this community...((((((((((((Tammie)))))))))))

phoenix

(((((Tammie))))) I am right where you are a lot lately but I don't have any suggestions, just empathy. You won't be hated for feeling this way, you are loved no matter what.

Amy

Hi Tammi,

I wish you could see what everyone else sees, the compassionate person with the beautiful soul. From day 1 you have given of yourself to so many people here. Even when you were struggling, you still had some left to give others. That is a very special gift and God gave that to you. I don't think that is a mistake.

It's OK to feel bad. It's ok to open your window and scream to the world that you feel like sh!t on toast. We are so hard on ourselves and feel like we have to give the appearance that we ar OK so we could be accepted or not feel judged but we put that pressure on ourselves. I was reading this really great book. The woman who writes them uses handwriting in the book. It was almost affirmations sort of. One of the things said that whatever we are or wherever we are in our life, embrace it and just say hey this is what it is and that's OK for today.

I loved that because I have a problem of always being late. I would practically kill myself and everyone in my path to get my son to pre-school on time because I felt like such a loser when all the other moms seemed to get their kid their on time, why couldn't I??? I would do so many other amazing things but that 10 minutes being late made me hate myself. When I read the passage in her book I decided to just accept that I am always going to be 10 minutes to pre-school and that's just it. I even told the teacher that day....I've resigned myself that this is when pre-school starts for me and then I laughed. It took so much of the pressure of to just laugh about it and accept it. It's only pre-school and he was only 2 and I'm paying them to go there for god sakes.LOL

My point is, as hard as it is, it feels a lot better to just accept where you're at for right now. There's so much more to you than your depression or anxiety. Sometimes it's going to get you down but don't let it keep you there. You're too special and the world needs people like you.:)

Tammie,

Thinking of you, hang in there! I cannot
remember who said this around here "the difference between a good day and a bad day is one day." Be good to yourself.

Love and hugs,

Tammie........what a nice thing to say :) i agree with you, what you said makes sense. 2stop is nice,huh.

Tammie,

The one thing I remember about all that you are going through is that you will feel bad in waves. When a wave comes you can't remember when you felt better. I can remind you that you were feeling better and this wave will go away again. Recovery from PTSD is like that. You will feel good and bad. You will feel bad when you are remembering. The bad feeling and remembering is the way to recover. It sounds like you had a new memory surface. That's good. We're here if you want to talk about it.

You're ok.

Hugs,
MG

I am trying to fight harder today. I just cannot get the fear out of my head,it is soooooo strong. It kinda seems irrational, but then again it makes complete sense..oh boy...this is so hard. I will just have to go minute by minute..it has passed before.

Thanks, all of you, for accepting me, Sometimes I don't know how to really believe it. I do, don't get me wrong. Most of my life I have been misunderstood and on the 'outside'. I know you all understand...and it is a very special trust I have with you guys. It means a lot to me.


:titanic

Tammie, you should never be sorry for expressing your feelings here. We all love you and want to help if we can. I think you are in a place where you can't see how strong and beautiful you are. You shine happiness and joy on all of us here and you deal with so much. You're having a low time and just need to breathe and let it pass. You are handling your life amazingly well and we all love you.

Hugs and love,
Anna

Thank you Anna..sometimes I don't know what comes over me..but it is so powerful and strong.....and scary..OMG...I can't stand feeling out of control. I will have to find a way to cope, just somedays I don't believe I can deal anything else. I know you understand, and I am blessed to have you all. I haven't been able to make many f2f friends for a few years, and after what my best friend of 12 or so years did...it is so hard to trust. ANd I used to alwaysb make friends easily, I love being a good friend, it's the only thing I am good at, the agoraphobia and panic really prevents me from getting a social life, and people look down on me because I can't drive anymore...hell, I look down on me, maybe that's why others do huh? Thanks for the encouragement Anna, you have such a gentle, calming soul. Blessed to know you my friend.((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

Umm, the only thing you're good at is making friends?? I don't think so. You are a fabulous friend and offer so much to all your friends, but I know a lot of other things you're good at as well. And, who cares about driving anyways?? Big deal!

Hang in there Tammie.

Love, Anna

hi 2stop
just letting you know your still in my thoughts and prayers.
dotcom

Thanks dotcom....:)

My mother just called, says she has aphone line in says You want to come over? Then xould you refund me some of the rent money I paid you? I confronted her about going to the kids school ans badmouthing...she got defensive and said"I wouldn't lie in heaven why the hell would I lie here on earth?? OMG..she has lost her mind....I am going to try and put it out of my mind...but I am really hurt at how it's worked out with her and I. It breaks my heart....

I don't know your whole story with your mom, but I thought you might appreciate mine. My mother, who has never been any sort of help to me all, in fact probably made most things worse. Anyway, she went through the vicodin addiction and stole vicodin from people who trusted her. Anyway, she stole pills from me about a year and a half ago, and lied about it, then she stole pills from my mother and sister in law, and I forgave her. I never told my husband though, she stole pills from him too. Anyway, so last week she was here and bugging me as usual. She left and I took my kids to the movie. When I came home, I opened the freezer and out dropped a bottle of vodka that I had in there, that I never drink, FROZEN FRIGGIN SOLID. EEEWWW! Now, I know I'm not perfect but jeez, atleast i don't try to insult peoples intelligence so completely blatently!! I called her and asked her if she thought that I was an idiot and of course she said no, so i asked why she did it and she said "oh so no you're gonna give me sh(( about that? Wholly hell, she is nuts, she lives in her own little la la land. Sometimes I think I'm the only one in the world who has a mother like this. lol

Bless yoru heart my friend...I so understand. It really does a number on our confidence in ourselves douesn't it? Wel, I have you in prayers...and will send (((((((((((((((((HUgs)))))))))))))))) as often as ya need em!!;) Hang in there! we gotta beat this.....we are so much more than receptacles for pain and despair..we deserve a good and happy and peaceful life. Here's my hand...let's build one, okay? We'll share ideas and pain and sorrow and joy too!...and we will make it....sound like a plan???;)

:rain Get under this umbrella with me...we'll wait out the storm!

:angel: http://www.imgag.com/product/full/ap/3032017/hs490.gif :angel:

That is soooo cool MG...you are a real sweetheart, you know that? Has anyone told you they love you today? I DO!!!!
(((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))): )