Panic attacks are going to cause me to relapse on alprazolam
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: San Angelo, TX
Posts: 24
Panic attacks are going to cause me to relapse on alprazolam
I just had a severe panic attack while I was trying to go to sleep.
I have this bizarre, obsessive and very intense phobia of developing psychosis or otherwise auditory hallucinations. It's something I've been dealing with for years. Despite countless psychiatrists assuring me I don't show any signs of psychosis, no reassurance has been able to shake the obsession. The only thing that ever worked, in fact, were benzodiazepines.
That brings me to my next problem. I'm a drug addict, and because of their antianxiety properties, benzos quickly ranked with alcohol and opioids as one of my drugs of choice.
Today I'm 64 days clean and sober, and just recently my anxiety, which predates my substance abuse, has resurfaced. And the panic attack I just had... was horrifying. That agonizing rush of adrenaline, the derealization, the racing heart, the shaking, that sensation that the universe is coming down on me, that I'm being sucked into some sort of gaping black vacuum never again to interact with another human being, all alone in all the universe. Can't breathe can't think can't anything. During those moments I'm absolutely convinced I am going insane, and the terror is undescribable.
So tomorrow, without insurance, without means of getting any more professional help, I'm considering scoring some of the old tried and true to deal with what feels worse than anything I normally deal with in active addiction, including overdose, jails and complete demoralization. And I don't want to do that. I want to believe there's a better way, but I just don't see it. I can honestly say I fear death itself significantly less than the prospect of going insane, and even though that may be not congruent with reality, the panic attacks that convince me, if only for a few moments, that it very much is real, are real.
I'm just so damn sick of anxiety and panic. I wish I could learn how to take clonazepam without abusing it. But I've found that just as impossible as trying to out think the obsessive thought patterns. Rock and a hard place. What do you do about insanity-fixated anxiety and panic attacks without addictive meds or means to quickly get alternative help?! Because I don't know what to do. I can't even go back into my room. Be sleeping on the couch tonight, with the TV up.
I have this bizarre, obsessive and very intense phobia of developing psychosis or otherwise auditory hallucinations. It's something I've been dealing with for years. Despite countless psychiatrists assuring me I don't show any signs of psychosis, no reassurance has been able to shake the obsession. The only thing that ever worked, in fact, were benzodiazepines.
That brings me to my next problem. I'm a drug addict, and because of their antianxiety properties, benzos quickly ranked with alcohol and opioids as one of my drugs of choice.
Today I'm 64 days clean and sober, and just recently my anxiety, which predates my substance abuse, has resurfaced. And the panic attack I just had... was horrifying. That agonizing rush of adrenaline, the derealization, the racing heart, the shaking, that sensation that the universe is coming down on me, that I'm being sucked into some sort of gaping black vacuum never again to interact with another human being, all alone in all the universe. Can't breathe can't think can't anything. During those moments I'm absolutely convinced I am going insane, and the terror is undescribable.
So tomorrow, without insurance, without means of getting any more professional help, I'm considering scoring some of the old tried and true to deal with what feels worse than anything I normally deal with in active addiction, including overdose, jails and complete demoralization. And I don't want to do that. I want to believe there's a better way, but I just don't see it. I can honestly say I fear death itself significantly less than the prospect of going insane, and even though that may be not congruent with reality, the panic attacks that convince me, if only for a few moments, that it very much is real, are real.
I'm just so damn sick of anxiety and panic. I wish I could learn how to take clonazepam without abusing it. But I've found that just as impossible as trying to out think the obsessive thought patterns. Rock and a hard place. What do you do about insanity-fixated anxiety and panic attacks without addictive meds or means to quickly get alternative help?! Because I don't know what to do. I can't even go back into my room. Be sleeping on the couch tonight, with the TV up.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
I can empathize with the frightening aspects of panic attacks, but drugging yourself isn't the answer. And sadly, I don't know what the answer is. Much of what you are going through could be Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS). If you use/abuse, you will lose all the brain healing that 64 days sober has brought you. Relapse will only make quitting the next time that much harder.
Years and years ago I had a bad LSD trip. One of the most frightening events in my life; I was sure I had gone insane. It passed, but I was plagued by flashbacks that were even more horrifying because they came out of no where. Then one day I was listening to public radio and the guest was talking about panic attacks...He was describing my flashbacks exactly! Just knowing what I was going through was a relief; I wasn't losing my mind. This is no solution for you, and probably sounds lame...but you aren't going insane when you are having these attacks. They will pass...the problems following any relapse might not.
Hang in there.
Years and years ago I had a bad LSD trip. One of the most frightening events in my life; I was sure I had gone insane. It passed, but I was plagued by flashbacks that were even more horrifying because they came out of no where. Then one day I was listening to public radio and the guest was talking about panic attacks...He was describing my flashbacks exactly! Just knowing what I was going through was a relief; I wasn't losing my mind. This is no solution for you, and probably sounds lame...but you aren't going insane when you are having these attacks. They will pass...the problems following any relapse might not.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Is there a public clinic you can go to for help?
They will try other meds, non-addicting, and usually have groups where they do relaxation techniques and etc.
It does sound like paws. Did you do a proper withdrawal with the benzos?
They will try other meds, non-addicting, and usually have groups where they do relaxation techniques and etc.
It does sound like paws. Did you do a proper withdrawal with the benzos?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Try to see about getting some kind of assistance for those who are uninsured. We have it in my state- it is not exactly easy to get but I understand how crippling anxiety can be. I am currently weaning off clonazapem and I have done so before- too quickly and so I felt pretty awful. I am doing it much more slowly now and looking into other things such as meditation- it helped me when I was a mess the last clonazapem withdrawal I had. Not a cure, but helped. I am also going to explore ways to change my thinking and perspective- ultimately I would like to be pill free. However, this drug and others have helped me change from being afraid to leave the apartment to holding down a part time job and having something of a social life. Please take care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: San Angelo, TX
Posts: 24
Thanks for your replies. I live in a mostly broke mid-sized West TX town that has little resources for uninsured mental health patients. The local MHMR clinic, in fact, is apparently run by a seemingly authoritarian person who has refused me help repeatedly for the past ten years. I need to try harder and look for alternate assistance.
The time I did have access to mental health services was for a short time when I had a PPO plan through my company. However, I lost the job, along with the insurance, when I began to abuse the prescribed Klonopin and subsequently displayed excessive tardiness and moodiness. I then began to pay out of pocket for my prescriptions and visits, but as that became difficult, I began to score Xanax off the street.
I never properly detoxed from benzodiazepines. The first time I was cut off from clonazepam was when I was incarcerated for a time. I began having panic attacks and as a result was sent to solitary confinement for ten days, where I lost my mind in severe withdrawal. At the time, I had been taking as much as 4-6mg a day for a couple of years. Since then, I've always abruptly quit taking them as a result of consequence.
Other medications I've been on include Vistoril, Lamictal, Lexapro, Prozac, Zoloft, Buspar and Seroquel. The only thing that's ever seemed to work on the anxiety, however, were benzos, which I cannot take. Given, I didn't give Buspar a fair shot.
Maybe I can start bugging the hell out of MHMR. They can't deny me forever... right?
The time I did have access to mental health services was for a short time when I had a PPO plan through my company. However, I lost the job, along with the insurance, when I began to abuse the prescribed Klonopin and subsequently displayed excessive tardiness and moodiness. I then began to pay out of pocket for my prescriptions and visits, but as that became difficult, I began to score Xanax off the street.
I never properly detoxed from benzodiazepines. The first time I was cut off from clonazepam was when I was incarcerated for a time. I began having panic attacks and as a result was sent to solitary confinement for ten days, where I lost my mind in severe withdrawal. At the time, I had been taking as much as 4-6mg a day for a couple of years. Since then, I've always abruptly quit taking them as a result of consequence.
Other medications I've been on include Vistoril, Lamictal, Lexapro, Prozac, Zoloft, Buspar and Seroquel. The only thing that's ever seemed to work on the anxiety, however, were benzos, which I cannot take. Given, I didn't give Buspar a fair shot.
Maybe I can start bugging the hell out of MHMR. They can't deny me forever... right?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
oh, geez..I have been prescribed benzos for years..tho' no longer.
The thing with me is I have moved fairly often AND I have gotten in my head from time to time that I just wasn't going to take those anymore.
(I am not and haven't regularly for quite a while..tho' to be honest I could have used a short one month scrip this last month)
Abrupt withdrawal is a recipe for disaster!
Yeah, I know the quality of state services vary a great deal...but I would advise you to pester away!
What you are going through is not healthy!
The thing with me is I have moved fairly often AND I have gotten in my head from time to time that I just wasn't going to take those anymore.
(I am not and haven't regularly for quite a while..tho' to be honest I could have used a short one month scrip this last month)
Abrupt withdrawal is a recipe for disaster!
Yeah, I know the quality of state services vary a great deal...but I would advise you to pester away!
What you are going through is not healthy!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
MHMR clinic, in fact, is apparently run by a seemingly authoritarian person who has refused me help repeatedly for the past ten years.
I've been given buspar (buspirone) and it helps a lot with my anxiety and isnt' addictive or 'mood altering' like the benzos. I take 20 mg twice a day and it really helps. I was on a lower dose and didn't feel it helped so they raised it and now am much better.
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