Under the Porch Looking Out
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Unknown
Posts: 122
Under the Porch Looking Out
I made a list of things to accomplish today. It had two things on it. Go to an AA Meeting and Clean My Apartment. I got neither things done. I did go to the grocery store today though, that was on my list of things to do soonish, so I felt like I had accomplished something.
Then I come home, and I realize, I WENT TO THE FRIGGIN GROCERY STORE! What a great accomplishment right? What the funk HAPPENED to me? How many years will I count going to the grocery store an accomplishment? Will my life just continue to be a list of mundane tasks that take all my effort to accomplish without having a panic attack? Is this 'IT'? How am I ever gonna make it to a meeting in this state. Why can I do other things ok but not regular things? I mean, I go to work everyday, I have to interact with people. I think it's because I have a 'work persona' that I don't have when I'm off work. I have a task, a goal set in front of me and that gives me purpose and a focus I can't have any other time. The thought of being a real person, of having to decide how to interact with people during my 'free time' terrifies me. I'm getting better though, just seem to be having a pseudo relapse lately. I almost had a panic attack at the register, god I HATE those registers that are sooo tiny and you have to stand there while they bag all your sh*t and look at you funny cause you are ecologically responsible enough to bring your OWN goddammed bags and don't want their plastic crap and then wait... wait....... wait for their stupid machines to authorize your card while the six people behind you are all starring at you and HATING you for not having cash and waiting for you to DIE and wondering why your ears are turning red while your face is getting paler and you are trying really hard to keep breathing but your consciousness is fizzling out and then FINALLY you get to sign and grab your bags and breath slow and deep as you walk towards the exit putting your headphones and sunglasses on for as comfortable and secluded of a walk home as possible.
Then I come home, and I realize, I WENT TO THE FRIGGIN GROCERY STORE! What a great accomplishment right? What the funk HAPPENED to me? How many years will I count going to the grocery store an accomplishment? Will my life just continue to be a list of mundane tasks that take all my effort to accomplish without having a panic attack? Is this 'IT'? How am I ever gonna make it to a meeting in this state. Why can I do other things ok but not regular things? I mean, I go to work everyday, I have to interact with people. I think it's because I have a 'work persona' that I don't have when I'm off work. I have a task, a goal set in front of me and that gives me purpose and a focus I can't have any other time. The thought of being a real person, of having to decide how to interact with people during my 'free time' terrifies me. I'm getting better though, just seem to be having a pseudo relapse lately. I almost had a panic attack at the register, god I HATE those registers that are sooo tiny and you have to stand there while they bag all your sh*t and look at you funny cause you are ecologically responsible enough to bring your OWN goddammed bags and don't want their plastic crap and then wait... wait....... wait for their stupid machines to authorize your card while the six people behind you are all starring at you and HATING you for not having cash and waiting for you to DIE and wondering why your ears are turning red while your face is getting paler and you are trying really hard to keep breathing but your consciousness is fizzling out and then FINALLY you get to sign and grab your bags and breath slow and deep as you walk towards the exit putting your headphones and sunglasses on for as comfortable and secluded of a walk home as possible.
On the path to self discovery
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 161
Wow. I get it.
I moved to a place where I am now less likely to get 'weird' looks about the 'own bag' thing. That helped... a little.
I get it.
Wish I had something better to say.
I moved to a place where I am now less likely to get 'weird' looks about the 'own bag' thing. That helped... a little.
I get it.
Wish I had something better to say.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Sorry, siam, but I had to laugh as your rant escalated. I know exactly how you feel about grocery stores. I'd really rather set my hair on fire than go, but, unfortunately, it is a necessity. You should be proud of yourself, though, for going ahead and getting it done. You can make another plan tomorrow to get to the AA meeting and clean the apartment. It's not like the dirt and mess won't still be there waiting. 
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
I can relate to feeling grocery shopping is a big accomplishment. In fact I'm jealous cuz that's one thing I can't do yet.
I'm pretty sure that this is NOT something that will last forever, it just FEELS like it ... I hope.
Blue
I'm pretty sure that this is NOT something that will last forever, it just FEELS like it ... I hope.
Blue
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