GailJ

No replies necessary here go back to PTSD and separation thread to reply if you want. Sorry

GailJ

Oh darn did it again. silent for months and then make a fool out of self.

GailJ

going back into hiding. any support or anyone who can make sense of me tonight at 7:42 ready for crash. No food didn't make it past four beer and will NOT mix the beer with meds. Please forgive me for being so outspoken

scarlati

Hi Gail,

I don't really know what to say to you. You have a lot going on and I really hope you find solutions for your problems. You seem like a really good person who doesn't deserve the pain you've suffered, but that's life. And it hurts. A lot.

A year or two ago, I asked you if you were seeing any kind of therapist on a regular basis and you said that you were doing on-line CBT cause there were no therapists in your area. I take it you've moved since then, so I'll ask again: are there any therapists in your area? Because I think you really need someone to talk to face to face. I think that would make you feel a whole lot better. This forum and others like it are a nice way to meet people with similar problems, but there's just no substitute for having a trained proffessional to talk to. Even though we don't really "know" each other, I'd be really happy for you if you could find a therapist/counsellor you could talk to every week or two. I want you to have a good and happy life, but I really don't believe you will be able to find that without some ongoing therapy.

BTW, I like the new pic.

GailJ

I did see a therapist last summer but it was not helpful as the tharapist kept resceduling around her holiday's and as you said I had no way to get to her. The medical system is so shorthanded where I am. To change to a doctor I can get to there is a minimum three yr waiting list and longer if you already have a doc. Which I do who is beyond reach. I did finish the living life to the full course. Also went with son #1 for months yrs ago. And went to docs with ex, numerous times.
Your right once things settle down a bit I'll be out of this relapse and back to my brave and cheerful self. There is an incredible amount of crap I have to do. speaking of which I have to return my keys today to that awful landlady and get into hospital to get that form filled out and returned back to work so I can get my pay.
Thanks for the advice though, Face to face would be nice, I am still agorophob in crowds so AA is just not an option for me. I do recognize how I am when I get overwhelmed. hypersensitive and looking for the next attack on me. Always on guard. Working on it. Back on the wagon again too.

Anna

Welcome back Gail!

historyteach

We're here for you, Gail...

Shalom!

Seren

First.....breathe......

Now, how are you feeling today? Remember, you can't solve all the problems in one day, one minute. Just tackle one thing at a time, get done what you can.

Hope you are feeling better today! Hugs, HG

GailJ

Been breathing all day today drinking tea, not beer. She have to get up to the hospital, going to do that after this cup.

Anx so I'll take my seroquel now so it settles in before I leave.

scarlati

If you drink a lot of tea, you might want to stick to decaf if you don't already. I've found that caffeine makes my anxiety much worse. And I remember a thread here a while back about it and a lot of other people said the same thing. Just FYI.

GailJ

Tea seems to be alright for me, I make it weak, with lots of milk but coffee really gets the tremors and the heart palpitations going. Not to good on the back end either when symptoms are all ready as strong as they are now. I think the effexors and the seroquels keep me from getting edgy. I try to drink as much decaf as I can.
Got my doc's note done, it was a really exhausting walk, for once I didn't mind the two hour wait.
He has recomended me to restart tharapy. I agree, I think I should

scarlati

That's good. I hope you can find a therapist you can get to. It sounds like you have a pretty good doc. For the longest time I thought my anxiety was a symptom of my high blood pressure, cause when I felt good my BP was low, and whenever I felt anxious my BP was high. And I didn't know anything about anxiety, so it never occurred to me that it was the anxiety causing the high BP and not the other way around. My doc's opinion was that if we got my BP under control I'd feel better. After trying about 20 different BP meds that didn't work my doc finally said,"Well, maybe you have an anxiety disorder and that's raising your BP." So he put me on an SSRI. That fixed both my anxiety and BP, but it had some really bad side effects, so I got off it after 8mo and the anxiety came back. I asked if he thought therapy might help and he said,"No, we'll just try some different meds until we find something you can live with." That didn't seem like a very good approach to me, so I found a counsellor and that was the best decision I ever made, despite my stupid doc's opinion.

GailJ

Yeah like that emerg doc that double dosed my body weight, took me four month because homecare visitor kept saying oh you'll adjust. I actually boarded up the windows and couldn't add 4+7. My regular doc had me in hospital three weeks to get over that one.
POBODY'S NERFECT
that was back in the days when they still said you just had a nervous breakdown and filled you full of ativans or valiums
Never met this doc before. They are taking turns in the ER because of so many people with no doctors. Maybe if university was more afforable we could have all the docs we need. Most want to be specialists in the city. A lot more money so we get a lot of last year residents here. Not good if you have a long term condition.
I get my license back the end of July full driving rights. It's been a long three years.

GailJ

Havin a rough day today, bought a six pack.
Sorry guy's the meds just can't handle the amount of unusual stress I am under right now.
May have to consider calling food bank for first time in twenty years.
No pay till next week. None since March 3rd.

Major mind cycles today even after 11 hours sleep last night.

Trying to support others, can't deal with own crap today.

Astro

Gail, please let others support and love you for now. I'm not much use to anyone else unless I'm taking care of myself first.

I'm praying for you, and hope you decide not to drink. Go back to the tea, if you do drink don't mix it with the meds.

GailJ

did a 6 pack but stopped and stuffing my face with food now, thanks astro. Was really tempted to go get more but managed to say no to self, for self.

Astro

Got any plans for your recovery, Gail?

Oh boy, the food, yeah. I stuffed myself with donuts, cookies, PB&J's in early recovery. Well at least I'm losing the weight 4 years later

You know just for today, right? So tomorrow, maybe you could try not drinking, just for today?

GailJ

I'm the opposite, not eating from the stomach cramping and other such nasty stuff when I'm relapsing makes me lose weight like crazy. Estimating about 30lbs over the past 4 months. So diet is number one. High protien, high carbs, lots of veggies and good breads. I'm not much for donuts, uggg I worked in my early 20's midnight shift at a donut shop, turned me of for life. But I do love good muffins and bagels with cream cheese. Not lots of fast food, I cook from scratch mainly, Lasts nights concoction was chicken all dices up (one of my home grown) pasta shells, four cheese sauce and green beans from last years garden chopped small and mixed through, lots of pepper, a little salt. I get all the exercize I need at work. Since they all know about my anxiety and stress it's easier to get socializing again.
I constantly walk, bend, lift at work on my reg job, throughout my shift. I don't work on the line anymore or my scale job because of RSI in my wrists permanent and the thoracic outlet syndrome in my shoulder.

This house is filthy and needs a lot of attention to get it back in shape so I'll go into interior decorating mode, The yard hasn't been tended properly in years either so come April I should be out in the flower beds. I can meditate while I'm gardening. I'll probably start my nature hikes again too. I need a new camera however, current ex kept the good one. I may get back into yoga, helps with the deep breathing and controlling heart rate, once I get settled in and all this current crap is over.
And get back on my vitamins and herbals. I've been slacking with everything but the B12's. So I need so good gensing, gong quai,(calming and energy) calcium, magnesium to rebuild bone strength and help with the neurotransmitters(the magnesium has been shown to help) and make sure to have at least three servings of fish a week. Also brain food. I have to watch I don't eat too many shrimp rings, I love em but read that they are high in copper which toxes the body and inhibits medications. And being on here of course. Using facebook to link with family, My space for creativity and here of course for support and to encourage others. I'm washing out the kitchen cupboards today, don't think they've been washed out properly in about thirty years. Going to repaint them inside and out. The kitchen colors are horrid. Will look nice when I'm done.

Try to be patient with myself and not push recovery too quickly. That never works so get lots of rest, take lots of hot baths and splurge on some nice aromatherapy bath oils and moisturizers and some scented candles.

They want me back in therapy but honestly I do so much on my own in recovery especially in researching new ways to cope, I don't think I need it. Being able to vent openly here is great. I used to journalize before the internet and because no one read it but myself it never seemed like a release. Here I have been able to do that without harsh judgement and that helps tremendously.

Any other idea's I'd welcome the imput. I do have a stategy for the beer that seems to be working. Going to get it down to only 4 twice a week by the end of April. That's quite an improvement from my three times weekly binging of 8 to 18 last year. I don't really hide from triggers as much as I used to. I try to face them and get through them now as much as I can. And as a last resort my three doughhead kittens who are crossing into cathood now I can mush and cuddle and laugh at while they bounce around like idiots playing.
I'm taking them in on the sixth to be spayed and neutered before they start spraying and breeding. One girl and two boys. I kept from the farm. Buddy, Charlie, and Gizmo the girl who looks like a a little grey calico gremlin with her ears flat and an orange lightning stripe up the middle of her forhead.
Thanks for asking, I have posted it before but you would have to look a long way back to find it.
At least I'm thinking clearly, memory still sucks so I repeat myself a lot, and have to write everything down I need to remember. That in itself takes stress off too.

Astro

You're kidding, right? Gail, you've got a schedule and more plans ahead than I've ever heard of. Stay focused on those and you'll do just fine. Hope you continue to work on your sobriety.

GailJ

No not kidding and evil land lady just showed up with court papers and a hearing I won't be able to attend. I plan to countersue for discrimination under mental health and saftey act. Twice what she sues me for.

Stress, stress, stress. At least I gave her her keys and kept a smile on my face.