Thanks for the insight and the posting. I too, struggle with this! Number 24 really made me look at myself further...this one is a printer.

People always joke around that men are from mars and women are from venus, but at the end of the day, both are just looking for someone to love and grow old with. The communication of these ideas are frequently like trying to speak chinese in italy....whoafully misunderstood.

-pedagogue

I appreciate the kind words, but I am actually a man of weak faith, if any faith at all. If I have faith, it is truely in the form and size of a mustard seed. That is actually one of the underlying messages in this thread. I am expressing a vulnerable, agonizing pain in my heart that took my life on a detour and in a direction I would have never hoped for or imagined. It is part of the dark abyss of my life that I would have never chosen to explore, outside of my ignorance, and that I hate to love, and love to hate. Even so, I can't seperate myself from it because it is part of what makes me who I am. My "fantasy girl" brought me some of the most euphoric, sublime moments in my life, and yet it was all a lie; she doesn't even exist. That is what it is to be deceived; pleasure in a lie, and I have experienced this repeatedly in my life in many diverse ways. I am not worthy of the name "Christian". To be a Christian is something I'm striving for, and hope to attain that life we are all, in various ways, seeking. As of now, I'm just a sinner, with the hope that I'll be saved by grace.