LettingGo

Well, I have spent most of my time over on the Naranon board and finally took a look over here. And much to my surprize, I see a lot of me and my symptoms here. My story is so mild in comparison, yet I have a lot of the same reactions as I see here. I guess what put me where I am is I spent the last two years of a marriage to an active addict/dealer who I let put me through hell. I did not know what was going on, but it was big. The first time I did find out I found thousands of dollars and a huge bag of meth shoved up a heater vent. I left, and got an apt for me and my 3 kids. He begged, pleaded and said it was over. I was not ready to leave him, I believed him, and went back. I was never the same again. I might as well have walked into a room with him sleeping with another woman. That is the hurt I felt, and trust was gone. Now I am not a fighter. I am a bottler. Meaning, I bottle all of my feelings. I fought with myself daily over what was going on, and denied to myself that it was going on until the police came and raided my home one bright Sat. morning with all of the kids home. It was horrible and traumatising. I still believed my A was clean and out of the business, but talk about stress. I could not sleep without having nightmares, I checked the windows to see if mexican dealers (who he dealt with) were watching us. I was scared to death, taking more pills to calm myself than anyone should have, and I swear I was one step away from the loony bin! It took 6 more months but I left and it has been the best thing I have ever done for my children and myself. The thing is, I still cannot sleep, and when I do I dream all night long about police breaking down the door, or about my Ex chasing me around. It is exhausting. I have to turn off the TV and Radio sometimes because it almost hurts to have the noise. I cannot breath at times, not all of the way,but have to stretch my neck to get a full breath. I really feel like I should be over this! He is gone! I am gone, no police are coming. What the heck is going on here..... My dr. prescribed me Lexapro as an anti depressant and Xanax. I quit the Xanax, I cannot take it, I end up abusing it. Keep in mind here, while I act paranoid like a tweeker, I have never been a drug user. The only thing close is when I was using Xanax, and my dr. prescribed me enough to numb an elephant. I had to get off of that. Anyways, I would appreciate any input. I dont know if I have ptsd, but I sure feel like these flashbacks to that home, and that day the cops raided us, and just the overall non stop stress for 2 years has put me here. Thanks for reading.

Morning Glory

Hello Letting Go.

I'm at work right now and don't have long to post. I'm not sure if you have PTSD. It all depends on how long it has been since you've been away from the trauma.

It doesn't matter though because the symtoms are the same and it's tough to go through these things.

I'll give you a small example of and incident in my life a few months ago. I came home from work and realized that someone had been in my house. They had taken the airconditioner out of the window and gotten in that way. Nothing was missing, but it has raised my awareness level. I pay attention to noises now that didn't bother me before and I'm more aware when falling asleep and I probably don't sleep as soundly as I used to. This is not something that has really affected my life, but just imagine how your awareness has been raised to a higher level.

When faced with danger we go into a flight or fight mode. Usually we let it go when the danger is over. Sometimes the trauma is so severe that we don't face it all at once. We go into shock and face it a little at a time later. I'd imagine you had to have some sort of denial to be able to live in that situation for as long as you did. I think you are facing more of it now. Also you had to live in flight or fight mode for a couple of years. It's hard to let it go when it bacame a method for survival for you.

The more you work on coping methods the more it will feel like it is going away. I don't think these things ever go away we just raise our coping so that it feels like it goes away.

We'll talk more.

Hugs,
MG