livingfree

Hi all it's been a long time since I've been here. I think since February at least. Well, here goes. I made it almost a year and a half completely sober. Then about 2 months ago, out of the blue I decided that I wanted to drink. I don't know why or what possessed me except that the demons just kept saying that it was ok as long as it was only a couple and only once in awhile and not to go overboard again. Well we all know how well that worked. I haven't been to a meeting in months haven't talked to my sponsor if I even have one anymore. I got lonely and depressed and played on that playground inside my head which is a very dangerous place for me to be when I'm lonely and bored. I tried some online dating and those turned out to all be meeting at bars and have a couple and loosen up and things just went from bad to worse. I'm not as bad off as I was, I still have my job, my house, my relationship with my kids, but the problem is I feel myself slipping backwards and it is scaring the hell out of me. I don't know what to do. I'm so ashamed that I can't get myself to walk through the doors of the AA club where I live. I just decided that the best way for me to get this all out is here. I'm just lost in my old shitbag again.

notsleepingwell

Livingfree.....you did a wonderful thing, you recognized that you need help and took a step to get there!!! I think that is a wonderful thing. I'm new here, so probably not any good at advice, but just want to say...don't give up!!!! You've turned it around once, and I understand relapse is pretty much to be expected....I'm not excusing it, but forgive yourself and go from here.
I also do online dating, but always meet for coffee...lol.

livingfree

Thanks notsleepingwell. I'm trying to forgive myself, I guess I worry more about what others think.

CarolD

Welcome back to SR!!

If you want to drink...you will.
If you want to restart recovery..you can.

Each time I faltered and there were many..
I was astounded by my warm welcome by
my home group.
We don't turn away the wounded...

Blessings to you and your children

livingfree

Thank you so much for the encouragement. I have not drank for 10 days today. I think I might be ready to swallow my pride and walk back into the club. I know that I'm willing to give it a try.

CarolD

You will be just fine!
I am soo glad you are willing.

michaelj

Livingfree,
I am off the booze for a little over 18 months and I get the same thoughts running through my brain...go on, just a glass of wine to be social, just a beer to enjoy on a warm summer's day. The little bastards never ever give up trying to get their way. I think that that is the price we alcoholics pay for our addictions. But it isn't as big a price as the loss of the benefits of sobriety, it doesn't begin to equate to the potential costs of a return to drinking. The loss of self-esteem, the feelings of guilt and remorse. The blackouts and the wretchedness and the ever downward spiral to despair.
I can live with my little demons, I can and do tell them to go to hell.
Your post has reinforced my defences against the demons and I am grateful for that. They say that every cloud has a silver lining and I suppose that the lining in this case is me and any other recovering alcoholic who has been strengthened in their desire to remain sober.
I hope that you find your way back from where you are to where you want to be. Godd luck.
Michael

Little Missy

((livingfree)) Welcome back!! I hear, because we are alcoholics we will always have the "thoughts" of drinking. It is what we do with those thoughts that matters. Now, I can dismiss them pretty quickly. If I start to let them run wild in my head, I call another AA member.

Glad you are thinking of going back to AA. They will support you. And remember, you are helping them, as much as they are helping you. By walking in and sharing your experience, you may keep someone from going out and drinking themselves.

I just love how it works!! You can do this!!

Islandchild

Thank you for sharing with us. I need to be reminded that the demon alcohol will always tell me it is okay to have "just one" and that this is a disease of isolation. Your disease wants you to be alone and scared. Many people relapse until they find permanent sobriety. Whenever a person comes back to AA, they are usually greeted warmly and without judgement. I have seen people come back countless times and my thought is always the same: "Thank God!" I know you have not lost your job, your home, your children - those are the "not yets". If you continue to drink, losing all that is important to you is almost inevitable.
I am so glad you came back here and reached out. It is a start. Pick yourself up and continue reaching out for help. Your life is precious and you are too!
Leslie

ScottC

"...the demons just kept saying that it was ok as long as it was only a couple and only once in awhile and not to go overboard again."

Been there, done that, got that T-shirt.

You just have to keep reminding yourself that the demons aren't your friends, and they are perpetual, unrepentant liars. Don't believe a word they say. Ever. For the rest of your life.