Learning the hard way
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Lansing, MI
Posts: 13
Learning the hard way
Well, I posted a while ago how I drink to cure my loneliness, boy, I learned the hard way that is exactly the reason I drink. On saturday, I was at work feeling like crap because after I got out I had noone to see, nothing to do, so I start thinking about going to the bar, I hate the bar i go to, I really cant stand it anymore, but what do I do, I go anyway. 
Hoping by some chance I will meet a girl and find a girlfriend. (Like its happened so many times before, NOT). It is true what someone posted awhile ago, once you sober up you have to deal with your emotions instead of drown or numb them. Well my emotions got the better of me last night. I only drank 4 beers and a couple shots of schnapps, but I feel tremendously guilty, I had been sober two weeks. 
I dont know what I am going to do about the lonelieness, but I now know what not to do, I feel like such a loser, I dont have anyone, I cant drink, what the heck is wrong with me? 
Hoping by some chance I will meet a girl and find a girlfriend. (Like its happened so many times before, NOT). It is true what someone posted awhile ago, once you sober up you have to deal with your emotions instead of drown or numb them. Well my emotions got the better of me last night. I only drank 4 beers and a couple shots of schnapps, but I feel tremendously guilty, I had been sober two weeks. I dont know what I am going to do about the lonelieness, but I now know what not to do, I feel like such a loser, I dont have anyone, I cant drink, what the heck is wrong with me? 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 161
Hey... I'm really new to this stuff as well. And I live alone with a cat so I can kind of relate.
All I can say is that it's really helped me to plan my days including my evenings and weekends so it's easier not to drink.
Start again today. Not the end of the world, right? Try. Then try again if you have too. Not beat yourself up too bad. Not worth it.
I've tried quitting many times since last January. This time I actually had a plan which has made stuff a lot of easier. Just because you quit drinking doesn't mean your problems stop.
Hope that helps!!! Rooting you all the way!!!
All I can say is that it's really helped me to plan my days including my evenings and weekends so it's easier not to drink.
Start again today. Not the end of the world, right? Try. Then try again if you have too. Not beat yourself up too bad. Not worth it.
I've tried quitting many times since last January. This time I actually had a plan which has made stuff a lot of easier. Just because you quit drinking doesn't mean your problems stop.
Hope that helps!!! Rooting you all the way!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
Well, I think we all discover that drinking doesn't fix anything, doesn't solve any problem, only makes things worse. And, lots of us take a long time for that lesson to sink in. And, dealing with the emotions that we've been drowning is REALLY hard. But, there's no way around it. The way to grow and move on is to deal with the hard stuff.
If you feel like weekends are going to be a problem for you, plan. Don't leave it to chance that you'll find something to do that doesn't involve going to bars. Plan to do something else. Go to a movie, a concert, exercise - anything that doesn't involve drinking.
If you feel like weekends are going to be a problem for you, plan. Don't leave it to chance that you'll find something to do that doesn't involve going to bars. Plan to do something else. Go to a movie, a concert, exercise - anything that doesn't involve drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 859
Hi Clarity4Me,
Lansing Mi....... Cool, I have relatives in the Irish hills (brooklyn) on Wamplers Lake!
Lonliness sucks.......Dont beat yourself up, this is a one day at a time thing and today is a new day. Make different plans, go to a movie, shopping, reading etc, if meeting people is what you need, hit some meetings, volunteer etc. If your trying to stay sober, the last place you need to meet someone is in a bar and drinking. Keep posting and checking out the threads here, this place is awesome!!!!!
Liss
Lansing Mi....... Cool, I have relatives in the Irish hills (brooklyn) on Wamplers Lake!
Lonliness sucks.......Dont beat yourself up, this is a one day at a time thing and today is a new day. Make different plans, go to a movie, shopping, reading etc, if meeting people is what you need, hit some meetings, volunteer etc. If your trying to stay sober, the last place you need to meet someone is in a bar and drinking. Keep posting and checking out the threads here, this place is awesome!!!!!
Liss
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 153
I understand what Clarity is saying. Unfortunately there are few places to go to meet other adults in a social setting that doesn't involve alcohol in some way or another. AA and church groups maybe. It is very very difficult to meet a potential mate or even make new friends once you are out of the school setting and in the adult world.
Clarity.... may I suggest online dating sites? I met my present husband on one after we were both widowed. Both of us are in our 50's and would have never had a way of hooking up if it wasn't for Match.com. We lived in the same city, but Chicago is huge. He was on the North side and I on the South. He emailed me after seeing my profile on Match. I responded. We emailed back and forth for a while, talked on the phone some and then when I felt comfortable we met for coffee. The relationship developed out of mutal interests. We found that we were very compatible in our outlooks and philosophies and we married 15 months after meeting.
I know lots of adults that connected on the internet. It is in my opinion safe if you use common sense. But that is true in all aspects of life, and no matter where you meet people of the opposite sex. Pehaps you can check out a few sites, put a nice upbeat profile on one or two and see what happens.
Clarity.... may I suggest online dating sites? I met my present husband on one after we were both widowed. Both of us are in our 50's and would have never had a way of hooking up if it wasn't for Match.com. We lived in the same city, but Chicago is huge. He was on the North side and I on the South. He emailed me after seeing my profile on Match. I responded. We emailed back and forth for a while, talked on the phone some and then when I felt comfortable we met for coffee. The relationship developed out of mutal interests. We found that we were very compatible in our outlooks and philosophies and we married 15 months after meeting.
I know lots of adults that connected on the internet. It is in my opinion safe if you use common sense. But that is true in all aspects of life, and no matter where you meet people of the opposite sex. Pehaps you can check out a few sites, put a nice upbeat profile on one or two and see what happens.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 207
I can sooo relate. That is my problem. I'm single, and I too hate the bar scene, want to meet someone, want to quit and stay quit, and I always end up at the bar due to being bored and lonely. and then - well, you know how it ends. I have a hangover today. Nuff said...
Tipdaz
Tipdaz
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Lansing, MI
Posts: 13
Brdlvr, I know what you mean, it sucks. I am going to try some of the advice others have given here, try to make plans for the weekend. Im shy too so this is another problem to deal with for me, I dont know, all I know is I dont want to continue drinking the way I was, I guess I was in denial for so long, It is hard to change my thinking. I guess Im out of denial now, I realize drinking 5 days of the week and 10 beers on friday night is a problem, but the change is hard. Its hard to change behavior, and Im finding that out now. This is a challenge but I quit smoking, so I think I can quit drinking too. Thank you everyone so much, you are all so sweet. 
body ~ mind ~ spirit
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Geelong, Australia
Posts: 582
I have had two marriages fail ... I am in the early months of breaking up with my second husband. I met both husbands in pubs and around drinking. Now I feel that I just want to find out who I am, what do I like doing and how can I be happy with me ... I really don't feel like I can give much to anyone else until I am just content with me. I have accepted that it will be lonely, so on the weekend I planned a few things.
Slept in on Sat morning, got up and did the housework that needed doing, caught up with my son who I needed to clear the air with, did some food shopping. Did the car wash thing, dropped my daughter at her friends late afternoon, went to the gym and then swam, went to a Steps meeting (little group, nice informal chat about issues), went to a Thai restaraunt and got dinner (on my own), came home, had a shower, made up a clean bed, took my new book to bed and read till late.
Sunday got up and went for 1 and 1/2 hour walk with the dog, went and caught up with my closest girlfriend and played with her kids (organised the day before), picked my daughter up from friends, took my son food shopping (he just moved out), got a recipe and bought ingredients and cooked a new dish up for dinner, had a relatively early night. This was the best weekend I have had for ages, I didn't cry much at all and made sure that I just was mentally making notes about how I liked to spend my time and what I wanted to do with myself. I allowed myself my time on my own and didn't let myself think about time with me alone being lonely, it was spent doing things that I wanted to do with myself.
In time there may be someone to share with, but it sure as hell is NOT going to be another person met around alcohol and I truly want to be happy on my own before I go for a relationship again, I don't think that a relationship is the answer to making me right. And I never again want to go into a relationship and feel that I have landed my problems on another person.
Stop drinking first, there will be lonely times but that will pass. Being sad and lonely may just be a stepping stone to happy and befriended. I know that I need to change or I will get the same old thing of the past and right now I feel like I want to learn that lesson before I get any older. The lesson hurts a bit, but the hurt is worth it. It is all getting better, slowly but surely. I do think that you can make very good friends at AA or any other group activity that you choose as long as you try to open up to the idea.
love and peace,
Brigid
Slept in on Sat morning, got up and did the housework that needed doing, caught up with my son who I needed to clear the air with, did some food shopping. Did the car wash thing, dropped my daughter at her friends late afternoon, went to the gym and then swam, went to a Steps meeting (little group, nice informal chat about issues), went to a Thai restaraunt and got dinner (on my own), came home, had a shower, made up a clean bed, took my new book to bed and read till late.
Sunday got up and went for 1 and 1/2 hour walk with the dog, went and caught up with my closest girlfriend and played with her kids (organised the day before), picked my daughter up from friends, took my son food shopping (he just moved out), got a recipe and bought ingredients and cooked a new dish up for dinner, had a relatively early night. This was the best weekend I have had for ages, I didn't cry much at all and made sure that I just was mentally making notes about how I liked to spend my time and what I wanted to do with myself. I allowed myself my time on my own and didn't let myself think about time with me alone being lonely, it was spent doing things that I wanted to do with myself.
In time there may be someone to share with, but it sure as hell is NOT going to be another person met around alcohol and I truly want to be happy on my own before I go for a relationship again, I don't think that a relationship is the answer to making me right. And I never again want to go into a relationship and feel that I have landed my problems on another person.
Stop drinking first, there will be lonely times but that will pass. Being sad and lonely may just be a stepping stone to happy and befriended. I know that I need to change or I will get the same old thing of the past and right now I feel like I want to learn that lesson before I get any older. The lesson hurts a bit, but the hurt is worth it. It is all getting better, slowly but surely. I do think that you can make very good friends at AA or any other group activity that you choose as long as you try to open up to the idea.
love and peace,
Brigid
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Fight ... WIN!!
Posts: 118
Volunteer groups can help, too! I do some volunteer work at a local museum, so I can always stop by there on weekends to see friends, and they also take cool trips! Living alone myself it's nice to hop on a bus with a bunch of crazies for a road trip. Taking a class can also do "double duty": 1) fill up those hours you used to spend drunk (I found out the hard way that sober time can be slow time!) and 2) bring you into contact with folks who share at least one interest with you - be it photography, basket weaving, acting, dancing, etc.
Best of luck to you!
Best of luck to you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hilton Head Island, SC
Posts: 51
Try getting your keyster to an AA meeting or two or three. You will meet tons and tons of people who know you better than you could ever imagine. You will discover that being alone is not an excuse to drink - and you never have to feel isolated again. I know - I have been there... learning to live sober is not easy, but it is sooooooooo worth it.
God bless,
Leslie
God bless,
Leslie
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in a better place
Posts: 1,406
Stop drinking first
I just want to find out who I am, what do I like doing and how can I be happy with me ... I really don't feel like I can give much to anyone else until I am just content with me
If you truly want to stay sober do you really want to meet a girl that hangs out in a bar.
Getting into a relationship will not solve any emotional issues you have deep down inside any more than getting drunk will. I hope you are able to quit drinking, do some serious soul searching, and find out who you are without the mask of alcohol before you continue on your search for a girlfriend/wife. I have to believe that the woman you meet will want to see the real you and not the temporary alcohol enhanced you.
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