Erin

Hi
It's a bit ironic that in the past few weeks (I'm on Day 12) I've stopped drinking, broke up a bad relationship, in the process of pre-disciplinary meetings with one of my staff, and to top it off today had a very scathing e-mail from a friend who told me I was self absorbed and needed some insight.

I do not understand why when I've just quit drinking all this stuff is happening all at once when I just need to focus on not hitting the liquor store on my way home from work. I haven't.

Does anyone have any insights on this? I've got to figure out why I attract these people (such as my now ex-friend) into my life - who are full of advice and opinions.

That's my vent. I am trying to figure out whether I should respond to her or not. Not sure whether it's worth it and is really bugging me.

Anna

I attracted all the wrong kinds of people into my life before I stopped drinking. I never understood why that happened, but looking back I realize that it happened because I felt like those were the kind of people I deserved in my life.

Being sober and beginning to like myself, I began to choose to have people in my life who I wanted to be near me. And, I also began excluding people from my life who had been causing me problems. And, that included some friends and even some family members.

The bottom line is that when you believe you deserve good people in your life, they will be in your life.

Aa_vark

Hi Erin,

Im aaron

I had the same type expriences in the begining of my sobriety. And i had the same question - why... I learned from other recovering alcoholics this was pretty common among us. It's sort of fallout, our past behaviors catching up with us.

One guy described it so well, like an avalanch. My ride with alcohol and drugs was pretty rough on the way down to my bottom. As I tumbled the slippery slope, i started to knock more and more debris loose. Financial, legal, health, relationship consequences. Addiction did its damage to every area of my life... Then I hit bottom, and found all this stuff piliung up on top of me - i felt pretty buried, to tell ya the truth. People told me to take it easy on myself. It was important to realize how much damage i had caused myself. They said that i was right where i needed to be. I look back now, and remember just how unmanagable my life had reeally become in addiction. AA and NA and those people helped me rederect my concerns into recovery, and the steps, as a solution... that helped them stay sober. They told me to try it there way for a while, and if i wasnt happier, i could say ta ta, have a few and all my misery would be refunded... Im glad i stuck it out, i've been clean and sober for 2 years this wednesday. Things are still getting better... *Part* of the reason i havent picked up is because i remembered how difficult it was early on in sobriety.

I dont worry much today about 'just not picking up', but i do have bad days, along with the good ones. When im feeling squirilly, i seek out others at meetings, or post online, or try to help someone else whos struggeling.

but first things first, i wont find anything in a bottle or baggie that will make things any better, and i learned that when i pick up i start the avalanch all over again...

Be well,

A

AndrewBeen

Wow! When it rains it pours, eh? It's great that you aren't drinking, though and have the strength and awareness to deal with bad relationships and staff problems. What might make it seem a bit worse is that sober you are motivated to do the right thing and aware (hyper-aware) of the emotional dynamics.

As far as your friend's comment: was s/he right?

c'est la vie

If you are an alcoholic, then you probably WERE self absorbed and needed insight. Apparently you found some since it led you to quit drinking.

Now you will have a clearer head with which to work on being less self absorbed. I don't think you owe any explanation to a "friend" who is being hurtful, but if she was showing honest concern for your well being, then you may want to have a conversation with her and tell her what's happening.

I'm new to this also, but it seems that life continues to happen even while sober. I understand that pretty soon the mole hills will appear less like mountains.

Still Trying...

Erin,

It sounds like other than the friend issue all the rest are situations you'll likely deal with much better now than you probably would have two weeks ago. Congrats on sticking to your guns and not hitting up the store. Others here with way more experience than me at 4 weeks will tell you that there are an endless stream of excuses/rationalizations on the horizon. Just keep ignoring them, or at the very least recognize them for what they are - your addiction wanting back into your life. Not a good thing!

As to your friend, I'm curious if her comments are related to your pre- or post-sober time. If pre-, maybe just sharing with her what you're doing to change and improve your life will help her be more supportive. If related to post-, I'm curious if she was one of your drinking buddies, possibly long-term, who may have a problem of her own. In any event, if after she understands what you're doing with your life and why she isn't more supportive I think you really have to take a hard look at how good a "friend" she really is. I know this isn't the time to drop every relationship you have in the world, but if she's causing more stress at a time you don't need it you might be better off putting her on "hold" and checking back in after several months.

Sobriety1st

Great Post ST, i enjoy it when not only the person seeking the advice, or suggestion, E,S, & H, are replied to, but also when someone else, like me, gets something out of it as well, and 4 weeks, that is awesome, way to go..

Music

Probably a combination of things. It's called, "feelings" and "attention." When I quit drinking, like you, my attention was inward and concentrating on not drinking and what I had to do to achieve that end. Because I wasn't drinking, my feelings were on edge and everything seemed to be magnified in intensity. So, I was told to just Easy Does It but Do It. Slow down, use the Serenity Prayer(a lot), and prioritise. First Things First.

Erin

Thanks for everyone's replies...

I was thinking about whether my friend's comments were related to before I quit drinking and what I did. There's some problems with that.

One - I think I went out with her once to the bar and my drinking pattern was to isolate and do it at home. Which I think created a lot of distance between some closer friends (I didn't call them very often and yes I can say there I was self absorbed) and I, but not necessarily her.

Two - Drinking at home means I isolated from everyone (don't phone if I'm slurring my words)

Three - My friend and I have had a lot of e-mail contact over the years (I lived about 400 miles away for two years) because we were former co-workers but we never really hung out ever. It was a generally superficial, bored at work, e-mail friendship and lots of venting about relationships.

Pre and during drinking I've always had people in my life who over step their boundaries and offer unsolicited and harsh judgements about how I live my life. I think everyone is familiar with the "You should do this or that etc." This includes boyfriends and friends. Inevitably these relationships ended.

So I'm just trying to figure out what the connection is? My dad is pretty over powering and angry person when I was growing up (he's mellowed but feels that it's his fatherly duty to give advice to appease his conscious (right now is solution for my alcoholism is to watch more TV and get cable) and my mom is very submissive. I grew up in a home where I was snow balled by some very strong personalities. So that may have something to do it.

My therapist said that God must think I am pretty strong if I can manage all this stress including ongoing sleep problems and anxiety while dealing with all this stuff. Go figure.

On a happy note... my new drink is tonic water and blueberry juice which is really good. And I'm now on Day 13.

Thanks for everybody's replies. I love this website.

Music

Got to try that tonic water and blueberry juice. Yummy!!

No matter what anyone says Erin. Don't drink, even if your ass falls off.

michski

][/B] With only 12 days sober you need to be self absorbed.. IMHO if you were NOT self absorbed right now you would probably not pass go, not collect 200 dollars but go directly to the liquor store!

Erin

LOL

Thank you!!

leviathon

ITs really easy, you are changing, they resent it... that happens. You will make true friends in time, be gentle with yourself and accept that this person was not a true friend.

Peace, Levi