The demon inside
High Power Rifle Addict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Pembroke Pines, FL
Posts: 95
The demon inside
This is my first post to the forum after hours of reading thru all these threads. I wanted to just say hello to all you folks and humbly submit my story to this point.
My name is Tom. I am 28 and I have known I am an alcoholic for several years now. I started drinking at the age of 13, but not really heavily until my early 20's. My current typical use is 6-9 beers every weeknight to 6 beers plus approx 6-8 rum and cokes on the weekend. I drink everyday. A couple of years ago I was drinking at least 750ml of vodka everynight, in addition to beer. So I think I am drinking less now...but I am just fooling myself I guess. I do not drink all day, I drink once I get home from work. In the mornings, I have zero craving or desire for alcohol. But once I leave work, something in my brain just clicks. My demon wakes up.
I have a wonderful woman who lives with me and we want to get married and live the American dream. Just to be happy, start a family and do what normal folks do. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me, she is my world. And I hate that she sees me drink (she doesnt drink a drop). i know she does not like it, but is scared of my reaction if she questions my drinking.
I feel like my drinking has consumed my life, I am in a constant panic over my health. I feel everything is spiraling away quickly now. Inside of me is a insatiable drinking machine, my demon. I have previously been able to quit for a day, maybe two. But either my lack of willpower or resolve is unable to carry me thru to recovery. I am ashamed of this situation and how my life is.
I rage against my demon, this thing...this force inside of me. I scream at it inside my head. I pray to God to help me thru. I feel utterly consumed. I have thought of suicide, and before I had Jenny in my life I had tasted the barrel of my .45 several times. I could not bring myself to apply the necessary 2.5lbs to silence my anguish. And now, I have this shining beacon...her, and for her but most importantly for me I must recover from this.
I am the child of an alcoholic, who was also the child of a...and on and on. I was sexually abused as a child. I have seen evil, I have experienced it and now it is inside of me. I need help to remove this from me, I need to pull myself out of the pit. I wish I had never put that first PBR to my lips. I wish I had never seen my father drink. I wish I could go back in time and slap some sense into my younger self.
I have quit today. I am declaring to my demon and to any who will listen. I type this to any who may care. Maybe nobody does, but even if I go alone I will no longer be under addictions thumb.
I feel so alone, but I feel good about what I just wrote. I am sorry for rambling. I hope you understand.
My name is Tom. I am 28 and I have known I am an alcoholic for several years now. I started drinking at the age of 13, but not really heavily until my early 20's. My current typical use is 6-9 beers every weeknight to 6 beers plus approx 6-8 rum and cokes on the weekend. I drink everyday. A couple of years ago I was drinking at least 750ml of vodka everynight, in addition to beer. So I think I am drinking less now...but I am just fooling myself I guess. I do not drink all day, I drink once I get home from work. In the mornings, I have zero craving or desire for alcohol. But once I leave work, something in my brain just clicks. My demon wakes up.
I have a wonderful woman who lives with me and we want to get married and live the American dream. Just to be happy, start a family and do what normal folks do. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me, she is my world. And I hate that she sees me drink (she doesnt drink a drop). i know she does not like it, but is scared of my reaction if she questions my drinking.
I feel like my drinking has consumed my life, I am in a constant panic over my health. I feel everything is spiraling away quickly now. Inside of me is a insatiable drinking machine, my demon. I have previously been able to quit for a day, maybe two. But either my lack of willpower or resolve is unable to carry me thru to recovery. I am ashamed of this situation and how my life is.
I rage against my demon, this thing...this force inside of me. I scream at it inside my head. I pray to God to help me thru. I feel utterly consumed. I have thought of suicide, and before I had Jenny in my life I had tasted the barrel of my .45 several times. I could not bring myself to apply the necessary 2.5lbs to silence my anguish. And now, I have this shining beacon...her, and for her but most importantly for me I must recover from this.
I am the child of an alcoholic, who was also the child of a...and on and on. I was sexually abused as a child. I have seen evil, I have experienced it and now it is inside of me. I need help to remove this from me, I need to pull myself out of the pit. I wish I had never put that first PBR to my lips. I wish I had never seen my father drink. I wish I could go back in time and slap some sense into my younger self.
I have quit today. I am declaring to my demon and to any who will listen. I type this to any who may care. Maybe nobody does, but even if I go alone I will no longer be under addictions thumb.
I feel so alone, but I feel good about what I just wrote. I am sorry for rambling. I hope you understand.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 527
Garandguy,
Good for you for realizing and for taking the first move to change your life for the better. I'm so sorry for all you have gone through. I'm new at this too and stumbling around and I have found the people in this group truly remarkable in their wisdom, experience and support. You are not alone. Sending you much strength on the beginning of this new journey.
Candy Scratch
Good for you for realizing and for taking the first move to change your life for the better. I'm so sorry for all you have gone through. I'm new at this too and stumbling around and I have found the people in this group truly remarkable in their wisdom, experience and support. You are not alone. Sending you much strength on the beginning of this new journey.
Candy Scratch
alconaut
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Motor City
Posts: 729
You are no longer alone. Welcome to SR. 
It sounds like you're at a very good place in life for having made your decision. Keep your reasons in mind, and keep adding to the list. You will be truly amazed at how much alcohol abuse is costing you in the grand scheme of things.
It sounds like you're at a very good place in life for having made your decision. Keep your reasons in mind, and keep adding to the list. You will be truly amazed at how much alcohol abuse is costing you in the grand scheme of things.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hi and Welcome!!
For understanding alcoholism...I recommend...
"Under The influence"
and it's sequel
"Beyond The Influence"
they are carried by Amazon
It's great you are looking for a solution.
I found mine in AA.
Hugs to the two of you...
For understanding alcoholism...I recommend...
"Under The influence"
and it's sequel
"Beyond The Influence"
they are carried by Amazon
It's great you are looking for a solution.
I found mine in AA.
Hugs to the two of you...
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Kansas City Missouri
Posts: 110
Garandguy-I can feel your pain through your post. I can also so very much understand what you are going through. Funny how many of us have completely different lifestyles and experiences yet share this common thread. That horrible voice and the sense of loneliness...a not too distant memory for me. It scares me to even think about it.
The good news is once you separate yourself from the drug, the voice does grow quieter. I promise. Today is Monday, a great place to start. It is difficult to just quit cold turkey but not impossible. It sounds like you are at a critical point and should possibly seek out a mental health and/or medical professional to help you get past this. Books and meetings also provide support for many who have managed to sober up.
I think it was Einstein who said "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result" (this quote has also been attributed to Ben Franklin so...??) I always try to really think about that when the temtpation hits. One thing you kow with certainty is that if you continue on the path you're on, things will only change for the worst. And it sounds pretty bad now. You're a young guy, only 28 years old, it's time to reclaim your life and silence that demon once and for all.
Good luck to you
GJ
The good news is once you separate yourself from the drug, the voice does grow quieter. I promise. Today is Monday, a great place to start. It is difficult to just quit cold turkey but not impossible. It sounds like you are at a critical point and should possibly seek out a mental health and/or medical professional to help you get past this. Books and meetings also provide support for many who have managed to sober up.
I think it was Einstein who said "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result" (this quote has also been attributed to Ben Franklin so...??) I always try to really think about that when the temtpation hits. One thing you kow with certainty is that if you continue on the path you're on, things will only change for the worst. And it sounds pretty bad now. You're a young guy, only 28 years old, it's time to reclaim your life and silence that demon once and for all.
Good luck to you
GJ
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Finding out what I have been missing!
Posts: 1,011
But once I leave work, something in my brain just clicks. My demon wakes up.
I had (have) that same demon, I could sometime supress it till Thurday or Friday , but it had been arousing everyday, seems to something with the onset of spring I would head right for the liquor store.
Anyway, I am glad you found us, It was suggested I read "under the influence". It gave me some real good insite on the chemical part of drinking. Now I now why when everyone else was done my party was just starting.
It sounds like you could have some great support from your fiance. Since she doesn't want to approach you about your drinking maybe you could approach her and ask for her support to help you stay sober.
You've made the right decision, hang in there!
P.S. I stop reading when the book started talking aboput AA. At this time AA is not for me. Though I always leave all doors open.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Let me clarify...
Neither book I recommended is about AA recovery.
"Under" has an eating plan too
but it's not a diet book.
Please look here for AA information..
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ower-post.html
Neither book I recommended is about AA recovery.
"Under" has an eating plan too
but it's not a diet book.
Please look here for AA information..
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ower-post.html
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Rainsville, Alabama
Posts: 189
You are not alone, You are not rambling, I totally understand, I felt like you were telling my story from the alcoholic parents the childhood sexual abuse the demon inside you that takes over and controls you. WOW how did you know my story??? Yes we understand... We who have been there. There is hope, there is a solution... There are many different recovery programs and ways of getting sober. People will share with you the ways they personally found sobriety.. I found sobriety in a program called AA. I would very highly encourage you to find meetings in your area and start attending them imediately if you truly desire to be sober. AA teaches us how to become sober productive responsible members of society. It also helps us find that peace and serenity inside of ourselves that we seem to have lost. Our family relationships improve and our lives improve. Or at least that has been MY experience in my last 10 yrs. in AA. Other people will share information with you about different recovery programs.. You can check to see what is avaliable in your area... I would highly suggest not delaying getting involved in some type of recovery program.... Love to you Debs
doing nothing
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: socal
Posts: 73
I'm glad you are here Garandguy, it shows me you are really seriously thinking about changing your life for the better. I found this place on day two when I was trying to do anything other than drive to go et some liquor. I have remained sober since then.
You have ackowledged that alcohol is causing you problems. The most important thing for me was/is to continue to keep that ackowledegment intact. Do not allow yourself to rationalze exceptions to it like "drunkenness is bad, but a drink or two is fine".
You can't change what you have done in the past or where you came from.
You can determine all your behavior in the future, and what you will do.
P.S. I still need to order mine from CMP while I still can.
You have ackowledged that alcohol is causing you problems. The most important thing for me was/is to continue to keep that ackowledegment intact. Do not allow yourself to rationalze exceptions to it like "drunkenness is bad, but a drink or two is fine".
You can't change what you have done in the past or where you came from.
You can determine all your behavior in the future, and what you will do.
P.S. I still need to order mine from CMP while I still can.
Let Go & Let God
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 85
Welcome Garandguy --
I am so glad you are here. Not only is it important that you have recognized your problem with alcohol, but you also recognize that little voice -- the demon -- inside of you that keeps you drinking. It is so important to remember that that demon is in you, but it is NOT YOU!!
I agree that you should ask the support of your significant other. Especially since you know that she doesn't like your drinking and has been reluctant to say anything. I'm sure she would be so grateful and honored that you shared with her your desperation and desire to quit.
And you are right, you have quit today and that's all you have. Yesterday is over and tomorrow is in the future. You have right here, right now. The AA thing to say is "One day at a time." Well, sometimes you have to go one second at a time, one minute at a time, one hour...etc. and work up to one day. Whatever it takes!
I had the same kind of drinking pattern (and am the same age). It was important for me to have something to do, somewhere to go and someone to go there with after work, just to avoid all the old haunts and habits. Avoid driving by liquor stores if you have to. I did.
A big thing I learned -- and am still learning is that you don't have to do it alone. Go to meetings, talk to people here who are going through the exact same thing. They will be able to identify and understand. The most amazing thing about recovering alcoholics is authenticity. These folks know themselves and want to share their experiences in order to help you. There is no one more honest than an alcoholic in recovery.
Again, I'm glad you're here. Congratulations on your decision and keep coming!
Sazzer
I am so glad you are here. Not only is it important that you have recognized your problem with alcohol, but you also recognize that little voice -- the demon -- inside of you that keeps you drinking. It is so important to remember that that demon is in you, but it is NOT YOU!!
I agree that you should ask the support of your significant other. Especially since you know that she doesn't like your drinking and has been reluctant to say anything. I'm sure she would be so grateful and honored that you shared with her your desperation and desire to quit.
And you are right, you have quit today and that's all you have. Yesterday is over and tomorrow is in the future. You have right here, right now. The AA thing to say is "One day at a time." Well, sometimes you have to go one second at a time, one minute at a time, one hour...etc. and work up to one day. Whatever it takes!
I had the same kind of drinking pattern (and am the same age). It was important for me to have something to do, somewhere to go and someone to go there with after work, just to avoid all the old haunts and habits. Avoid driving by liquor stores if you have to. I did.
A big thing I learned -- and am still learning is that you don't have to do it alone. Go to meetings, talk to people here who are going through the exact same thing. They will be able to identify and understand. The most amazing thing about recovering alcoholics is authenticity. These folks know themselves and want to share their experiences in order to help you. There is no one more honest than an alcoholic in recovery.
Again, I'm glad you're here. Congratulations on your decision and keep coming!
Sazzer
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Charlotte,NC
Posts: 167
Originally Posted by Garandguy762
I rage against my demon, this thing...this force inside of me. I scream at it inside my head. I pray to God to help me thru.
You are in fact on the right track if you are praying to God. I believe He will indeed help you defeat this demon when you turn your life over to him.
You might feel alone right now, but that is far from the truth. There are plenty of helping hands out there and the ones which I am familiar with are those of Alcoholics Anonymous. I believe AA was Divinely inspired as
God's tool to help out us drunk's on earth. This was His gift to the addicted and suffering.
Prayer is not enough though. We need to do the footwork and it's not easy. AA will help show you the way.
That's this drunk's opinion.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Somwhere over the rainbow
Posts: 1,175
HI GG, what ever you do do not give up. There is always hope as hope springs eternal... you have a belief that you have a problem and have very powerfully accepted that grief in this post. Embrace yourself and your desire for change and work with all of us who are recovering towards your own "cure".
Thank you for sharing and take care. Levi
Thank you for sharing and take care. Levi
Addict
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 131
Originally Posted by Garandguy762
I feel so alone, but I feel good about what I just wrote. I am sorry for rambling. I hope you understand.
We DO understand. You are NOT alone. It's absolutely wonderful that you feel better after writing. The release of negativity frees us from the "demon" inside.
Glad to have you. Keep coming back, and keep writing. I am new, but this place is so encouraging and such a help in the beginning stages of recovery. I have just begun, but I have already been positively influenced here.
Take care. I wish you the best.
Jennifer
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: CA
Posts: 75
There are so many of us dealing with the same demon. You will find the strength to knock it off your shoulder or kick it to the side.....you can do this! It sounds like you know what you want in life...I can tell you that you will enjoy it even more sober 
Stay strong and remain aware that the cravings you will have and feeling out of sorts are normal.....it gets better and better with each passing day!
Stay strong and remain aware that the cravings you will have and feeling out of sorts are normal.....it gets better and better with each passing day!
High Power Rifle Addict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Pembroke Pines, FL
Posts: 95
10:00pm
I came home from work today and just hugged and kissed Jenny for what seems like forever. I could not bring myself to tell her my decision. I am ashamed of who I have let myself become. I still do not want her to see this side of me, even though she saw it every day? How can this be? My logic is twisted into ribbons, but it is what it is.
I have zero cravings. I am sleepy and my body feels achy. I am a little fogged mentally. I am scared, deep down in my core, I am shaking like a leaf.
Thank you all for your kind words. Thank you for recognizing me, my life and my addiction. It lifts me, truly.
Tomorrow. Day two.
I have zero cravings. I am sleepy and my body feels achy. I am a little fogged mentally. I am scared, deep down in my core, I am shaking like a leaf.
Thank you all for your kind words. Thank you for recognizing me, my life and my addiction. It lifts me, truly.
Tomorrow. Day two.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Drink a lot of water...OJ and Honey is also good
Aspirin for aches...Hard Candy for shakes
Eat a soft diet..No caffeine
Rest if you can not sleep.
ER time..Heart flutters..Temp over 101
Bleeding...Convulsions..Bllod pressure swings
I do hope all goes well...it is dangerous to do this alone.
Aspirin for aches...Hard Candy for shakes
Eat a soft diet..No caffeine
Rest if you can not sleep.
ER time..Heart flutters..Temp over 101
Bleeding...Convulsions..Bllod pressure swings
I do hope all goes well...it is dangerous to do this alone.
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
My "demon" lived inside my head. It spoke to me in my own voice and it lied...it always lied.
I had no physical ability to deny my cravings for alcohol nor did I have enough "willpower" to resist it's demands.
The only way I could fight my demon was to get inside my own head and to delve into my past.
You say you were sexually abused. You may need professional counselling for that.
You say you cannot stop drinking. The 12 Steps of AA can help you to understand the true nature of your dependence on alcohol and how you can stop.
Your demon is not invincible.
I had no physical ability to deny my cravings for alcohol nor did I have enough "willpower" to resist it's demands.
The only way I could fight my demon was to get inside my own head and to delve into my past.
You say you were sexually abused. You may need professional counselling for that.
You say you cannot stop drinking. The 12 Steps of AA can help you to understand the true nature of your dependence on alcohol and how you can stop.
Your demon is not invincible.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: home of the liquid sunshine-Florida
Posts: 294
Hi Garandguy! I hope all is well. WOW! You brought tears to my eyes with your first post. It was heartfelt and emotional and I could feel your pain. I wish you the best. I hope you have told Jenny, she can help you; she will understand she sounds like a beautiful person. Get into a program that works for you as soon as you can. AA has been wonderful for me and God has blessed me with 3 wonderful weeks. In my opinion the Alcoholic Anonymous book is an incredible book. It is a book to teach us how to live and how to do it sober. I think it could well be used by everyone not just Alcoholics, it truly is the Alcoholic Bible in my view. SR has also been a great release and has wonderful people always there for support.
Best Wishes,
Star
Best Wishes,
Star
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