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Part of what led me here

Old 07-04-2006, 12:33 AM
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Part of what led me here

I don't want to end up like my brother. There's far too much backstory for me to want to get into, but the bottom line is that he got himself into trouble with alcohol. As a result, he found himself not living with his family, and struggling to cope with depression and alcohol addiction. Sadly, he chose the cheater's way out and commited suicide. It wasn't recent; it was long enough ago that I try not to think about the timeframe.

He and I were very much alike in the abuse we suffered as children and how we coped, and I worry that I might turn into him. I'm older now than he was when he died. I knew then for him what I know now for myself, that the depression is feeding the desire for booze, and vice versa. When I really set my mind to it, I do OK in keeping the booze at bay. But, I too easily fall into the trap of escapism when I just don't feel like setting my mind to it. My brother left behind three wonderful children even though he had been sober for over a month, I worry about my future in that regard. I guess I don't know what I'm trying to say, but rambling. Thanks for listening.
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Old 07-04-2006, 03:48 AM
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Thanks for rambling. You didn't say too much about how you drink, but if drinking worries you to the point that it occupies time that could be well spent doing something constructive, you might try some open AA meetings to find some answers. It doesn't hurt to just check it out. You may hear something that will set your mind at ease. Thank about it.
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Old 07-04-2006, 05:47 AM
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You are no longer all alone.There is fellowship,and solutions,in recovery programs.Ive found them in AA,
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Old 07-04-2006, 07:21 AM
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Malcolm, you are ahead of the game IMHO. You know you have a problem, you are reaching out here and seeking answers to that problem. You have a support system in place here where you can get the stuff out of your mind with people who care and want to help. I am sure you would benefit from face 2 face meetings somewhere too if you choose to check it out.

Depression and alcoholism go hand in hand a lot of the time. So does the desire to just escape and not have to deal. I know that's part of what got me sober. My "escaping" almost granted me the permanent escape and I found out that I didn't want to die, I wanted to live, but I didn't want to be controlled by alcohol anymore.

I found that hope in the rooms of AA. I drug in there almost two years ago and was struck by the life these people had shining from them. I saw by continuing to go and listen that many had come from similar circumstances or far worse and had found a way to escape alcohol's pull. That is what gave me the courage to go through the full withdrawals and try this sober thing. Not for a day do I regret it. Now I am one of the laughing smiling faces in the meetings who look forward to the newcomer walking in so I can be reminded of where I came from as well as tell them there is hope.

Hang in there Malcolm, you're doing great by sharing and getting the stuff out of your head. Getting sober is not easy, but the results are so worth it!

Hugs,
Kellye
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Old 07-04-2006, 08:13 AM
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Hi there. My father (now 82) is a recovering alcoholic, but when I was young, he was still drinking. Somehow, though, his drinking made it possible for me to look at myself and to realize I had a problem with alcohol. I had always vowed I would not end up like him, but there I was - just like him in everyway. I had the same disease he had. Even though those were very hard years growing up, I see that there was a silver lining. Depression and alcohol are so closely linked - believe me, I know. Take care. AA and the people in it saved my life and have been doing so for 11+ years now. You are not alone.
Leslie
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Old 07-04-2006, 10:00 AM
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Thanks, everyone. I'm not sure I'm quite ready for AA or any other program, but I am trying to reach out. While I don't blame AA for my brother, it ultimately could not save him (he was attending regularly up until his suicide). As I said, I see a lot of him in myself and it worries me that getting sober might lead me to whatever place he ended up. I know I'll be better off cleaning myself up, but it also scares the hell out of me sometimes.

My own drinking seems to go in stages, sometimes I lay off, sometimes I overindulge. I have gotten extremely ill several times in the past few months as a result of drinking. At least, I assume it's the drinking, I saw my doctor and all the tests came back negative, but I also didn't tell him about my drinking concerns. I haven't had the nerve yet to talk to a family member who can give advice and help me to get through this, but I think that getting it out here is helping me get to that point. And to maybe let my doctor in on the issue. For that I thank you all.
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Old 07-04-2006, 12:18 PM
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[QUOTE=Malcolm]While I don't blame AA for my brother, it ultimately could not save him (he was attending regularly up until his suicide).[QUOTE]

Malcolm,
AA is not in the business of saving people, or stopping people from drinking. That's the choice of the individual. Just like so many things in life, AA does not take away a persons right, or his self will to make decisions. What AA has is a program of recovery, which if practiced can make a person happy again and usefully whole again. The decision to practice the program and to what extent to go to practice the program, lies with me. I don't know what it will take for you to be "ready" for AA but I know what it took for me to be ready. I hope you don't have to go that far. Just try an open meeting. You don't have to say or do anything but sit and listen.
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Old 07-04-2006, 02:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Music
Malcolm,
AA is not in the business of saving people, or stopping people from drinking. That's the choice of the individual. Just like so many things in life, AA does not take away a persons right, or his self will to make decisions. What AA has is a program of recovery, which if practiced can make a person happy again and usefully whole again. The decision to practice the program and to what extent to go to practice the program, lies with me. I don't know what it will take for you to be "ready" for AA but I know what it took for me to be ready. I hope you don't have to go that far. Just try an open meeting. You don't have to say or do anything but sit and listen.
I didn't mean it that way, but I realize that's how it came out. For the record, I have been to an open meeting, but it just didn't seem for me at the time. Perhaps I'll change my mind in the near future, I contemplated giving it another shot over the weekend. Bear with me as I try to figure this all out.
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Old 07-04-2006, 03:42 PM
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You take your time Malcolm. I know I had misgivings about AA myself but I was at a point where I had to do something or go nuts. The best thing I can suggest is to go into it with no preconceived notions about what it's about. In other words, an open mind. I heard things I didn't like, particularily about God, and being powerless. Not only did I not want to be powerless, I certainly didn't want to turn anything belonging to me over to something I had developed a decided distaste for over the years. But, I finally said, "hey, what the heck. What have I got to lose?" Been going up hill ever since. Just relax and take a good look at your drinking. If it bothers you, do something about it. If you need help, the help is there. Nobody says you have to say you're an alcoholic. You just need to not want to drink any more.

Please stay in touch here and feel free to PM me anytime.
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Old 07-04-2006, 03:52 PM
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Thanks again, I plan to keep working on it.
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