Aristo

Hi Ya,

6 Days sober for me (Beer). My ex left me 5-6 weeks ago. We still see each other and we still care for one another a great deal. I'm not sure if she wants to be just friends or if she is still hanging around because she perhaps wants to get back together. She is a very very moderate drinker and the one who confronted me about my problem with alcohol. We have had a lot of great times together. 90% of the time we are great together but there is 10% of the time where we don't understand and accpet each other's opinions or points of view. But I see that as normal - No two people can agree 100% of the time. Seems that times we disagree we each want to convice the other that we are right and this leads to arguments and misunderstandings. I feel that if we can overcome this, we would be perfect for one another.

Thing is - My shrink and the people in AA say I shouldn't get into a relationship. But if there is hope for us, shouldn't we work towards it ? There is nothing more in the world that I would love (except to stay sober) than to settle down with the right girl , start a family and live a normal, happy life.

That's my first problem - Should I let it go and risk losing the one I love for ever ?

Then there is another issue. Before I started going out with my Ex, I called of a relationship that was just about to start with this other girl. I told here the truth - that I had met this first girl and felt that I wanted to persue this. Co-incidently, the second girl has made contact with me last week and we have hooked up for coffee, e-mail and text each other - She is coming over for dinner this weekend.

This second girl is really nice - but the butterflys don't happen with her like they do with the 1st girl. But if the first girl isn't interested in a relationship, then why not try with the 2nd girl ?

Am I getting myself into trouble here ? I just don't like to lose an opportunity to form something with someone special just because I am getting sober. I am 40 and haven't had many meaningful relationships in my life.

Any advice is appreciated.

Ta

Aristo

CarolD

I suggest my AA spomsees finish their Steps before
getting involved.
Those who do seem to have a more positive outcome.

Look on page 119 in the 12&12
Note that is Step 9.

Listen to your doctor and your AA spomsor.

Pray for direction.

Ngokpa

We tend to be very vulnerable in our early days of sobriety. And sobriety is a novel experience. Staying sober is a different thing. Relationships are bound to happen if we stay sober for a while, but they can be dangerous early on because it doesn't take much to set us off.

We're used to instant gratification, which humans aren't so good at providing. We need to get used to that.

Baritone

Aristo,

You may not like what's being suggested to you, but it's good advice. Your sobriety is the most important thing - the biggest thing in your life. Once you've got some solid sobriety, you'll have so much more to bring into a relationship. If the relationship is meant to happen, it will work out in its own time. Meanwhile be nice to yourself and work on that sobriety. Congratulations on 6 days sober - that's a great start!

- Jim

Aristo

Yeap - you are right Jim, I can't see the reasoning behind not starting a relationship - I feel up to it. But that said, I do take heed to older sober members experiences.

My Ex knows about my old drinking - and knows I am doing AA and that this is the most important thing for me right now.

So does this mean total closure of any friendship with the opposite sex ? What about just catching up for a movie or what ever - just as friends ?

Where's the line ?

Should I cancel dinner this weekend ?

Nearly 7 days now - Going strong

Autumn

Hey Aristo..... regardless whether or not the "one year rule" is AA oriented or not, it makes pretty good sense. Some people look for romance to fill a void that alcohol once occupied. Everyone is different though. I would take a good inventory to see how comfortable you are in your sobriety. Do you think you have uncovered the "real" you yet? Are all the major bases in your life covered? Are you healthy (or at least stable) physically, emotionally/mentally, and spiritually? Are you financially secure? Are you satisfied to be alone, or do you feel a "need" to share your life with someone else (not to be confused with want)? What if you decide in the near future that one of these babes isn't for you, after all? Or maybe one of them won't like the changes in you (even if they are for the better)? Feelings are bound to be hurt.

I understand how you feel - I really do. I get so lonely at times, I just wanna run off headlong into someone else's arms! Heaven help any man who falls in love with me at this point. Thank Goodness I have something of a conscience.

I only suggest caution. Also, open communication is a must. How much closure do you have with the ex? What's that saying..... hell hath no fury as that of a woman scorned?

Congratulations on one week.

brigid

Congrats on your week sober Aristo!!! I think that the relationship thing is really best off left untill you know yourself better. I think that I have been in my last relationship for all the wrong reasons and that I have reacted and behaved in abnormal ways, just because I was not fully happy with myself and who I was.

I would do things for the other person just to please them, regardless if it pleased me or if deep down inside I felt uncomfortable. I was way to eager to please at my own expense. I think this is because I didn't feel worthy of love.

This may not apply to you, but I really think that a good clear head and a contentment within are mandatory to find a meaningful relationship. Too, I have found continued growth and that means I have continually changed, so who I might find attractive today, I may not find attractive tomorrow ... at least in the early stages of development.

I am sure that catching up for a movie as friends would be a very healthy thing to do. Just watch the emotions and reasons for wanting an attachment. If you feel that you want a relationship just because you are 40 and think that it is time ... well that may not be the right reason to go for it.

lots of love,
Brigid

kali ma

Thank all of you for your responses. I just broke up with my bf and have been worried about who, when to start dating again. You're right. Sobriety is the most important thing right now. You guys are great.

Aristo

Nah - it's not because I am 40. I really care for my Ex. Do I give up my feelings because I am recovering ? Or do I give in to them ?

By seeing her regularly, just as friends - is a little frustrating. For me to get over her and for her to get over me, i feel that distance is required - but neither of us seem to want that. If she can handle just being friend only 5 weeks after breaking up then what does that say ? I could say 'yes lets just be friends' but it wouldn't be the truth. I have told her how I feel, and she has told me that she has lots of feelings too - she is just not saying what they are - yet...

To me, to get over her, I would need to tell her that I can't see her or make contact any more -

I hear what you are saying about filling a hole that drink left.. But what about filling the hole in my heart ? I am pretty sure the hole in the heart would be there whether I was drinking or not. Maybe I am wrong, but that's how I feel.

Yep - I am healthy, physically. I didn't suffer withdrawl - I wasn't a heavy heavy drinker, just a daily one. No shakes or anything.

Financially I am OK

Spiritually I am progressing.

If I feel that one of these babes is not for me - yes feelings will be hurt - but wouldnt they be hurt anyway ?

In terms of knowing myself - I think I have always known myself. I just have been lying to myself for a period of time. Not any more though.

I know it has only been a week - I just can't help feeling that there will be a lost opportunity if I wait another 51 weeks. Yes another opportunity might come up - but what if it doesn't - then I will regret this decision. Yes I will be a better position to cope - but I still will regret it.

It's a hard one for sure.

Ps - I'm not trying to start an argument here - I can just see many aspects to this situation - Including the 12 month thing - I can see the benefit in that - And can see myself recomending that to others - Just not me - ha ha ha ha

midgetcop

Well, just my two cents, but I think it's equally important that these two women are fully aware of your situation and take that into account if a relationship develops. Not just your own feelings stand to get hurt, but theirs as well if they will be dealing with any possible bumps in the road on your journey into sobriety.

Now might not be the most ideal time for you to rekindle/begin an intimate relationship, but it sounds like in your case it might happen anyway. Be very clear and honest to your partner, and whatever you do, do not let that person become a crutch. It's easy to invest all newfound life meaning into another person, and if that eventually fails, it will feel like everything around you is crashing down.

Sorry if that sounded like a Doomsday approach. Just remember - now is your time to work on yourself. Do it through your own eyes, and not the eyes of another person.

debsjsu

My sponsor told me that anything that took my focus off my recovery in the first year was not good for me... He was so very right.. However I am a very stubborn person and I had to do it MY way so of course I didn't listen. I wont bore you with the details but I ended up loosing 11 thousand $$ and my sobriety, No I am not an idiot, not completely anyway, I am actually college educated and most people consider me an intelligent person... Several people including my self have been hurt by my decisions, Finally I decided ( after much pain, I learn through pain) to put my focus on my recovery for the first year, It is just ONE year. I wasted many more years than ONE, pissing them away drinking, the very least I could do was to commit one year to focusing completely on my recovery. What could it REALLY hurt.. except for my ego... God never shuts one door without opening another one... If love is meant to be it will be... I am reminded of my 16 yr. old who was trying to convence me that she must quit school and marry this guy that she "loved" b/c if she didn't he wouldn't still love her when she finnished school at 18.. What do you think I told her???? Love to you Deb

Aristo

Thanks all for your advice. I do appreciate it. Although the medice you are giving me at the moment tastes horrible - Perhaps it will help me (and the Ex etc) in the long run.

I realise that I am quite a headstrong, determined person and I do like to do things my way. Yes it is only one year.

But........

I could get run over by a bus tomorrow.......

I see my Phyc Dr tomorrow - so I will bring the issue up with him.

I think this is the hardest thing about recovery - Forget the feeling of withdrawl (not that I got any) - Forget the craving for drink. It's the dissapointment of not knowing what could have been that hurts the most. This is the bit that sux big time for me.

I'm glad I can share , get feedback and give feedback about this - otherwise I'd be just sitting here on my bum stewing over it.

Everyone have a happy day !

Wooo WHooo Day 7 for me ! Feeling strong (drink wise) - Feeling empty in my heart though........

c'est la vie

I'm sorry to say that your "love" and "feeling empty in your heart" is not coming across as sincere when you refer to TWO different lady friends as "BABES". I'm sure you have a void, but what you're describing doesn't sound like love to me.

Honestly, take some more time for yourself. If you really love one person and that one person loves you back, then she'll give you the time and space you need to get well. It's for the best.

Autumn

I think he was using the word in reply to me, having used it in my post first, C'est.

Aristo

Yep - what Autumn said.

Written words in this type of forum do not always covey sincerity felt in the real world.

Peace

Aristo

c'est la vie

:sad6:


I'll leave you alone now.

Autumn

Lol. Just trying to use language a guy could understand. Doesn't mean he had to say it too tho. You ain't getting off the hook here Aristo, lol.

Aristo

Well they are both Babes - But the Ex is babeorama hoochy hoochy

Autumn

Aristo

G'Day all - So I went and spoke to my Phycologist about this. His advice was that although it is recomeneded to not get back into a relationship, he said it was not a hard and fast rule.

He explained to me that now that I am sober, I might realise that my Ex was/is not the right one for me. (but on retrospect, I was thinking, how would I knowunless we tried again with me sober ??)

He didn't advise unoquivically, not not get into a relationship - He advised caution. He stated stats that indicated the most times, the relationship does not work out. And that this can lead to relapse.

So I am hearing all this and it makes sense.

But there is something niggling at me that says - if there is even a small chance of it working - why not give it a try ?

I guess this is a bit like saying, there is a small chance of winning the lottery. But hey - someone wins.......

At this stage - I am thinking I will just take it day by day and see what life throws at me - Leave it up to my higher power to guide me. But I won't actively persue anything. If she wants to come over and hang out - watch a movie or whatever - that's cool. I don't think I will be ringing her up that much, if at all.

I went back and read a few letter s that I wrote to her and she wrote to me when I was drinking and we were fighting. Not very pretty. But both she and I were different people back then. But I must remind myself that this was only 6 weeks ago.

With regards to girl #2 - She is a really nice girl - and I want to just be friends with her. I think she wants more than this - So what I need to do is be honest with her. She know nothing of my recovery or problem. I need to tell her - but in my own timings I think - the sooner the better. If she is a true friend she will understand - If she doesn't understand - Oh well, nothing I can do about that.

I will accept the things I can not change. I will do my best to change the things I can.

And I am working hard on the Wisdom bit.

Peace.

Aristo