brigid

I broke up with my husband about 2 months ago. We have been together for about 10 years now, broke up once before about 5 years ago, then got back together. I really think we love each other but it is complicated. He is 8 years younger than me, I have 3 teenage kids and that in itself is stressful enough. Add to that fact that i am an alcoholic, but he also has stuff. He is a daily pot smoker, can drink way too much and be an ass. Sometimes I see alcoholic tendencies, but I used to really look up to Adam because he could moderate.

Anyway, we broke up, he went out, didn't phone, message me ... nothing. Next morning he wouldn't answer his mobile to me and I just messaged him and said it was over. I had quit smoking a week before as well and really wanted it to stick, was probably going through all sorts of crap in my head too.

But I have just been able to get him to agree to go to counselling with me. We haven't spoken, I just get too upset to talk to him. We have been messaging by phone (initiated by me) and emailing. I heard last weekend that he had hooked up with a girl (just friends) and was drinking daily to a huge extent. This really bothered me because if anything I would hope he would find someone a bit more settled, and of course I am absolutely devastated.

I have coerced him into going to the counsellor, he didn't want to. I think he really just wants to let his hair down and party and do whatever he wants, but I know this guy so well and he is just too good for that. I feel like I can just love him and show him how to be happy without all the alcohol. But I don't want to push him, maybe he doesn't need my stress and problems and the kids issues, maybe he is ok in his life the way he wants it to be. But maybe I just should get in there now I am feeling pretty good about me and really try for the two of us.

I think that he has always been a great emotional support for me and I just wonder if I am trying to hold onto someone selfishly or if I should let go, or am I just holding onto something familiar.

AAAAAAANNNNNGGGGGGGSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTT

FriendofBill

Might I suggest taking in a few Al-Anon meetings?

Sounds like it could be helpful. AA helps you get sober from alcohol, AL Anon gets me emotionally sober in relationships.

Good luck...

brigid

Thanks FriendofBill, I guess I thought this might not be the right place to post, but .... wonder if I am just an emotional basket case, why am I obsessing? I really can't think about anything else at the moment, I have tried. Now I am trying to just keep physically active to try keep me from crying.

But why do I want to be with someone who I know is not altogether, who I know can snarl and demean me and things I say, why, why, why?

Al-anon may just be the right place for me. sigh

Bliss71

Ngokpa

The problem with alcohol and drugs is they get to be more important than anything. That's just the nature of the disease. They hurt me pretty bad, destroyed a relationship, and made me incapable of growing up enough to be truly capable of having a relationship. I had to go through a lot before I was ready to admit I had a problem, let alone deal with it. Suggesting somebody stop using their drug of choice is a bit like saying bad things about mother, God, and country. Those old brain synapes just don't relate until something happens that gets their attention. It takes what it takes.

brigid

I don't know that Adam would admit to having a problem. I don't know if he does have a problem with alcohol, he can just not drink if I am with him. I know he has a pot habit, but even with that he is a pretty ok person. He does have a fair bit of anger, but that has improved over time with me. He does have a fairly low self esteem and confidence level, I keep thinking that if I love him enough that will go and the pot will not be such an issue. He has a great amount of control with himself depending on his support network. I wish I hadn't broken up with him, I wish I just could have loved him and showed him the way.

STUFF IT

CarolD

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Little Missy

Big Hugs to you Brigid!!

When I first got sober, my husband and I went to counseling. We had 2 sessions ( I think). I was going to AA, he was going to Al-anon. The counselor told us we were doing fine with those programs and we didn't need her. We actually taught her things while we were there.

I guess the point is, if you do go to counseling you may want to have someone that has a background in substance abuse.

Hubby and I are still together and working on it. We can sure tell if the other is "slacking" on their program!! hehe

Hope

It is complicated and letting go seems so hard because it is the unfamiliar path. I agree with what was said above about going to Al-anon. Sometimes it takes what it takes and unfortunately, the time is unknown when that "moment" will occur.

Remember to take care of you though. Don't get too wrapped up into the situation that you forget to be gentle on yourself.

Sending big hugs and good thoughts your way!

trytrytry

brigid,
hang in there. just don't drink. it will all sort itself out. it may suck for awhile but solutions will become apparent. i certainly don't know how or why and you may not feel like you do either. that's not really the point. it just that life has a way of getting out of hand but problems will be resolved if you don't lose control.
people say you can't change someone and sometimes that is true. but if someone is worth a fight you can inspire and change. you must also obviously look out for yourself and make sure you are in a safe and happy place. that's alot to think about.
don't be afraid to use logic over emotion. emotion is so powerful it pulls us into situations we might not need.
well sorry for the mumbo-jumbo. just sad to see your post. keep positive.

brigid

Thanks so much for reminding me to use my head over my heart. Right now that is the smartest thing that I can do. The reason I ended it all was because I was not happy, so I am now asking myself why I feel the need to go back to a situation that is not happy. Particularly if he is not interested.

I guess I think I can change him, but long term there has to be a sense of him wanting to change, I can't do it for him. He has said straight out that he doesn't want to deny himself the pleasure of getting smashed for someone ever again. So unless that sentiment changes I guess it says it all. Still, the councillor may help, you never know. Why do chemicals have to change us so much?

Thanks everyone for the posts, I so appreciate it all!!!!!!!!!

lots of love,
Brigid

c'est la vie

Brigid, I don't have any clever morsels of intelligence for you, but wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and hoping you see which way to go. I know it's difficult letting someone go, but that may be for the best if he still has a few wild oats to sew. Be strong.

brigid

It is complicated, letting go of the situation is hard, I really feel like I need to control some of it to make sure he doesn't skitz out, but at the end of the day I guess that is for him to do. All I can do I have already done now I think.

Although I still feel somewhat like a total bi***. I really feel like he was there with me bringing up kids that were not his and supporting me through my quitting drinking (although he hated the idea of AA and didn't want me to go). I don't know, I just don't know.

Letting go is very hard to do sometimes.

brigid

I do miss his love, I do miss him

BSPGirl

Of course you'll miss him but pushing someone into counseling just isn't going to work. Perhaps it's for the best, if he really doesn't wanna fix things there isn't much you can do...

Autumn

Oh my.... my heart breaks for you!

I've been wondering where you have been the last few days (I always look for your posts!). You're always full of wonderful advice for everyone else, so selfless and really quite wise. I'm so sorry to see you going through this. I'm very glad you decided to post about it though, and I hope it makes you feel better. We all love you.

Breaking up is so hard to do Brigid, but I think you're doing the right thing. You're hurting and lonely, and will be for awhile I know. You have such a great head on your shoulders though, and whatever you do in the end will be for the best. Those rambunctious teenagers need their Mom, and deserve your energy more than he does. If nothing else, think of them darlin'. And us. I know this basketcase needs you, lol.

Big hugs for my sister in recovery.....

Autumn

Brigid, I just wanted to add also that you just quit smoking not too long ago yourself, so that's another thing you're dealing with. Your mind is still clearing up. I'm really proud of you for quitting.



And I can't begin to tell you how much I can relate to and how touched I am by this statement: I know.

*sigh*

Music

Hi brigid,
My head started to spin as I was reading your original post. You broke up, but didn't braked up because you still love him and are talking by message and email and you're trying to push him into counseling but you're trying not to drink and smoke but he does drink and smokes pot and you're eight years his elder and have three teenagers.....Whewww!

First, even if he does go to counseling, it's not because he wants to. If he goes it's to please you and for what reason? Are you braking up with him(I haven't a clue how to break up with someone I'm married to)or not? Whose life are you most concerned with, his or yours? Is this an every five year occurance? Will you be going through this again at the 15 year mark? My guess is....probably!!

I'd suggest absolutely no communication for a while. I don't know is you use AA or not, but definately get some help from a third party who doesn't have a dog in the fight. Looks to me like your head's all over the place and you need some help sorting things out. Good luck.

ASH

Brigid, sorry you are going through this, it sounds so painful.
Please focus on doing what is best for you and your childern,
and stay strong!

debsjsu

Brigid... Wow... Being sick I missed a lot... Thanks for your post on my thread to help me feel better, you really helped me when I was feeling my worst... I just read all this today.. What pain I felt.. You know how when someone is involved in an automobile accident and the police question them about what happened. They give their statement and it is written down. The bystanders, or wittnesses are also questioned, their statements are also taken and written down. The two usually differ in detail quite a lot. The reason is when you are inside an emotionally charged situation what you see is distorted by your emotional part of your brain. The wittnesses have a different view. #1 they are not emotionally envolved, #2 they can see the whole picture becouse they are not in the middle of the situation. Just be aware that right now you are the person who was inside the car at this accident. You cannot see the whole picture, and your "picture" of the event is emotionally altered. I cannot and would not try to tell you what to do. I will tell you that I do know that a person who is not emotionally and mentally healthy cannot and will not have a healthy relationship with another person. Ask yourself is this person a healthy person emotionally and mentally, do you really want that around your children? Are you mentally and emotionally healthy or maybe do you need to go to counseling for yourself (not him). To find that healthy place inside you so you seek healthy people to have relationships with. When I first got into recovery I was told that my "picker" was broke. I always picked the sickest man in the bunch to have a relationship with. ( Im not saying your guy is the sickest guy in the bunch, just my experience.) Anyway hope this helps you. It is just my experience. It is what happened for me.. Love to you Babe I know the pain I have been there... God never shuts one door without opening another..... Love to you.. Debs