slacker

This topic was brought up in my other thread, and I think it deserves a separate thread.

I haven't admitted to anybody that I am quitting, and I definately have a reluctance to do so yet.

I am curious about your opinions and experience with this, so here's the thread for discussing it.


Here are some possible reasons why I have choosen not to, not that I am entirely certain of the true motivations of all my behavior:
(Mind you I only quit drinking five days ago)

1.) My alcohol problem was(is) a personal problem that I never talked about, it seems fitting that overcoming it should be as well.

2.) I am ashamed to admit I have little control over my drinking, other people don't have this problem so it is embarassing to vocalize that I do. I know and admit to myself that I have the problem, that seems to be the most important.

3.) I am a "show me don't tell me" kind of person, always have been. I lose a little respect for people when they declare their intent to do something, then their actions do not follow. Whether somebody says they are going on a diet, going to paint their house, whatever; just show me what you did, don't tell me what you intend to do.

4.) My current focus is on sobriety, telling everybody "I quit drinking" keeps the focus on drinking. Drinking is just one way to avoid sobriety, if "not drinking" is the focus, that takes the true focus away from my overall goal of remaining sober from all intoxicants.

5.) I don't want everybody to start treating me differently. I am still me, I just am not drunk anymore. By declaring my intention, I think that message gets decoded in other peoples minds as "don't drink in front of me, don't invite me to come over and watch the game because alcohol will be there, etc"

6.) Everybody is going to figure it out sooner or later based on my actions anyway.


Well, there's a few reasons that I have bounced around in my head for not disclosing my intents at this time.
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Why it might be a good idea to just tell close friends and family:


1.) They will verbally encourage me to keep with my goal.

2.) They will quit offering me beer, or ask why I am not drinking it.

3.) It may have some psychological advantage to outright admit my problem to close friends and family.

4.) They are going to figure it out anyway, why not just announce it?




This whole discussion will probubly be a moot point in a few weeks or months anyhow after everybody close to me figures it out on their own.

Balls

Personally I found this quite easy...

I tell people on a need to know basis.

If they are people who know me very well, or live with me or have expressed concern in the past, then I tell them everything. In my case this is one person, my flat mate plus my councillor.

Other friends just got, "I am cutting down on beer". This isn't that unusual really. If you listen to people they are constantly saying things like, "I'm detoxing", "I'm on an Atkins diet", "I'm cutting down on coffee", "I'm stopping eating pies." Why should you not say, "I'm cutting down on beer." I think most people will respect that if they are real friends.

Yep it has led to friends who NEED a drinking partner beg me to go out, and then you have to either be firm and say no, or lay it on a bit thicker and say drinking so much was making you feel ill. (that's the truth aint it?)

It's very interesting to watch these guys skwirm with their own addictions as they need you to facilitate their drinking.

I am actually still going out, but I tell people I'll only go out and do some activity like play pool, during which I drink coke. And that I'm fed up of going out in crowded cattle markets, getting sloshed, spending loads of money, not remembering anything and feeling rough the next day... and that's the truth as well.

Autumn

Right. Not to mention it's really none of anyone's business anyway.

I realize that not everyone else might not see it this way - especially those who are uninformed - but your problem is not a weakness. It's an addiction. Shame is indicative that you fear your friends might view it as a weakness.

And from the other thread:

So who cares what the rest think?

Bean123

I'm a newbie to all this myself, but your plan sounds like a good one. Very similiar to what i am doing. And is far as the shame thing goes, that will work itself out in time and I think eventually we can accept achoholism as niether good nor bad, smart or stupid but rather just part of who we are.

Anyway, hang in there and good luck.

fraankie

right now
it may be
don't ask, don't tell

it is important to vocalize it
so you hear it
but to the right people

AA meeting is the place


best
fraankie

NYCGirl

Hi there, I still new at this too. 7 days today, but I agree with not "telling". I just don't want it to be an "issue". I'm sure everyone will notice soon enough, after all it's been almost thirty years since I've been seen with out a drink in my hand. It's funny how we seem to aquire a coral of "drinking buddies". Stay clear of them, they don't anyone to leave their club. I guess misery love company.

findingout

I think for me, it became very important that I did tell all of the people I care about that I had stopped and, for the ones who didn't see it first hand enough to know, exactly how bad it had gotten before I stopped. But... I didn't do that until about six months in and during those first six months I grew accustomed to talking about it in N.A. and A.A.

I may be weak, but I need all those people to know because their knowing is just one more piece of protection against me going back out. I believe that little bit of extra protection may have kept me going around the nine month point when it had become easy enough to stay sober that I began to get those thoughts that maybe I wasn't really an alcoholic after all. I might have been able to lie to myself but it would have been much harder to convince those people that I had just made up all that stuff about having to drink in the morning to be able to get through the day.

And today, I am no more ashamed of being an alcoholic than I am of being slightly height impaired. For me, the fact that I am an alcoholic is no longer the biggest problem in my life because I don't drink and I do what I need to do to make sure that I continue to not drink.

But that's just me.

FriendofBill

Get sober first, then make the decision of who to tell.

Nothing else really matters but getting sober, right?

Hope

Only tell people when you get comfortable to. The good thing about letting others know is it does offer some extra protection and it gives you an opportunity to have that immediate support when those thoughts start acting up.

The time will come when you will know it is the right time. Then the right words will come and you can express them to the people you are comfortable with.

2dayzmuse

I think your off to a great start. Good luck...

CarolD

I tell everyone because I want them to see how
fantastic life can be with recovery

I want to be an example so others will know there is
hope and joy.

brigid

I am confident enough with myself these days to tell anyone that I want to that I am an alcoholic. I have chosen in the past not to tell everyone and have been a bit embarassed by the fact that I am not in control when I drink alcohol. BUT now I just don't care, I am not a bad person, I have nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone I know, knows someone with an alcohol problem, so I am just one of the people who can't drink because alcohol does not agree with me at all.

Love Brigid

jmhs002

Good topic - I can relate to all of your post. When I first stopped, I would just say - 'not drinking tonight' and did not tell many people that I had stopped drinking for good. As time passed, and I began to feel more comfortable in my sobriety, I did tell people that ' I don't drink anymore' - it got easier for me. Hang in there. The important part is don't drink - you'll figure out the rest of it.
JMHS

NYCGirl

I'm not ready for that kind of pressure either, people are bound to notice soon. I'm not usually seen with out a drink in my hand

wishful

I'm 6 weeks sober today! And have lived on both sides of the fence - I was a secret drinker, never in public, so when I found SR and decided to straighten out the last thing I wanted to do was tell anyone, go public in AA, etc. etc. But now that I feel like I'm getting on top of it I'm feeling more like discussing it, especially with a friend of mine who has had a much worse addiction problem.
Whatever you choose, if it keeps you clean and happy, it's the right choice! Thanks for posting this - seeing how everyone feels about this is really helpful, since it's something we all deal with in recovery.

kali ma

I was much more successful telling my family and close friends. I called all of them on the same day and told them that my drinking was out of hand, and that I couldn't drink anymore. Everyone (including my father and brother) were incredibly supportive.

As for the people at work, I don't know what to do about them. Everyone drinks, and we have a "going away party" for one of the employees, (who drinks the most) on Saturday at my house. I moved back in with my mother, and she is the boss. I told her this morning after reading a different thread that I am not going to go. I just don't know how to tell everyone at work that I am not drinking anymore. THere are some young guys here, and they like to get a rise out of me when I am drinking. I am seen as the party girl, so I really don't know how to break it to everyone that I don't drink anymore. Any advise?
THANK YOU!

c'est la vie

Great thread topic and it very pertinent to me since I will see my friends and family for the first time in months. The last time I saw my family was for a funeral so it wasn't so shocking to see me not get drunk but this time is vacation. I've been worried sick about how to approach it.

I agree with your 1,2 & 5 for reasons not to tell and I like all the reasons to tell family and close friends.

I think I need to call my mom and tell her the truth, but I think everyone else will get the simple answer,
"Lately when I drink I just get fat, tired, and emotional so I thought I'd try taking it out of my system. I feel better without it."

It's the honest truth. Who needs to know that I spend countless hours on a sobriety forum, go to AA, and cry because I can't have a drink? No one in my opinion.

Autumn

I think one good benefit of "coming out of the closet" so to speak, is that you won't be misunderstood by people who don't know your long-term intentions, and will continue to offer you drinks. Be assertive and state your position clearly.

"I don't drink anymore."

Simple as that.

Much easier than making excuses every time someone offers you a beer!

brigid

I often took a non-alcoholic drink and poured my own drinks into the same glasses everyone else was drinking from, just to not be obtrusive. I did tell people everywhere that I wasn't a drinker anymore. Some people tried to get me to drink with them, but I was determined not to drink and over time they just accepted that I didn't drink anymore.

If you don't feel comfortable, then I think you could either not go or go for a short time and leave. At the end of the day, worry about yourself and not whether the young guys get their thrills out of you, they will find something else to do, or someone else to play with. You are more important than that!! Take care,

lots of love,
Brigid

MKM

I did tell my husband and I don't think this is an option you listed:

He said he did not think I had a problem with alcohol! Good thing I had done the research and read the 10 questions to realize my situation was not good.

My sister also informed me that I was a 'lightweight' drinker...

One can tell people but if you get responses like I did unless still resolved to stay sober, it could lead someone back to drinking thinking they don't have a problem.

I did not have any outward signs of drinking problem at all and obviously hid it quite well.

I do feel better not having to keep this secret, but the responses I got were not what I was expecting!