Back again for another try....
L'il fighter
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Mississauga, Ontario
Posts: 297
Back again for another try....
I think the last time I was here was the beginning of April...I actually made it to about 2 weeks of sobriety before I fell back off the wagon.
Either way, I'm here, I'm back. Right now I'm running on about 5 days without alcohol. I'm slated for a rehabilitation program through my local hospital, but the wait-time for the appointments and orientation meetings are ridiculous, and I'm thinking that I need to start attending some AA meetings if I'm going to stay sober in the meantime.
I'm not even very articulate or motivated this time around, not like last time. But I know I have to do this, and I'm forcing myself to spit this out so that I can again begin the process of getting my thoughts out of my head.
Doctor's appointment is on Friday, orientation meeting on Monday so I can set up when I'll begin my treatment program. Time to start weeding out this demon.
Either way, I'm here, I'm back. Right now I'm running on about 5 days without alcohol. I'm slated for a rehabilitation program through my local hospital, but the wait-time for the appointments and orientation meetings are ridiculous, and I'm thinking that I need to start attending some AA meetings if I'm going to stay sober in the meantime.
I'm not even very articulate or motivated this time around, not like last time. But I know I have to do this, and I'm forcing myself to spit this out so that I can again begin the process of getting my thoughts out of my head.
Doctor's appointment is on Friday, orientation meeting on Monday so I can set up when I'll begin my treatment program. Time to start weeding out this demon.
Not the center of the Universe
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Orchard Lake, Michigan
Posts: 974
Hey midgetcop,
You've got a plan and you can do this thing. Professional treatment can help a whole heap (at least it did for me), going to AA meetings can help a whole heap (at least it does for me), reading books about alcoholism and addiction can help a whole heap (at least it does for me.)
The only requirement for this thing is an honest desire to stop drinking which I didn't even have when I started treatment. Like you, it took a week from when I called to when I got my orientation/interview for treatment. What I did was stop drinking and then I went into my interview and completely lied about how bad my drinking had become. I had a plan. My plan was to fake my way through treatment, get my certificate of sobriety, and then go back to drinking even though that week between the call and interview was the longest I'd gone without drinking in ten years.
Fortunately, I faked it a little bit too well and actually listened to what I was hearing once I started treatment. At some point around three weeks in, it occurred to me that recovery was something I might actually want to do for myself. That's when it started to work. Three and half years later, I can say it was the single best thing I ever did.... for me.
One Love, One Heart,
Tony
You've got a plan and you can do this thing. Professional treatment can help a whole heap (at least it did for me), going to AA meetings can help a whole heap (at least it does for me), reading books about alcoholism and addiction can help a whole heap (at least it does for me.)
The only requirement for this thing is an honest desire to stop drinking which I didn't even have when I started treatment. Like you, it took a week from when I called to when I got my orientation/interview for treatment. What I did was stop drinking and then I went into my interview and completely lied about how bad my drinking had become. I had a plan. My plan was to fake my way through treatment, get my certificate of sobriety, and then go back to drinking even though that week between the call and interview was the longest I'd gone without drinking in ten years.
Fortunately, I faked it a little bit too well and actually listened to what I was hearing once I started treatment. At some point around three weeks in, it occurred to me that recovery was something I might actually want to do for myself. That's when it started to work. Three and half years later, I can say it was the single best thing I ever did.... for me.
People will tell you where they've gone
They'll tell you where to go
But till you get there yourself you never really know
"Amelia" - Joni Mitchell
Stick around and recover with us. It beats drinking.They'll tell you where to go
But till you get there yourself you never really know
"Amelia" - Joni Mitchell
One Love, One Heart,
Tony
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Toronto,Ontario
Posts: 1,027
Hi, glad you posted.
Have you considered antabuse as part of your treatment ? I am on it right now and staying sober... Not to say this is for everyone, nor that a pill alone can allow us to stay sober.. Together with visits to a counsellor, AA I am able to stay away from booze..... Antabuse just takes that 'choice' to drink away from you..
Good luck !
Have you considered antabuse as part of your treatment ? I am on it right now and staying sober... Not to say this is for everyone, nor that a pill alone can allow us to stay sober.. Together with visits to a counsellor, AA I am able to stay away from booze..... Antabuse just takes that 'choice' to drink away from you..
Good luck !
L'il fighter
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Mississauga, Ontario
Posts: 297
Thanks for the encouragement, guys. 
TorontoGuy: I've looked into medications, and my rehab Doctor mentioned that they use it in extreme situations. I'm not sure if I fit that category, but I'm definitely going to ask her about it tomorrow, because I'm VERY scared of slipping up again....
....It's strange how the craving will sneak up on me. I'll have every intention of staying sober and on track...and then one day it's as if I've completely gone crazy - I'll totally rationalize the decision to go to the liquor store and pick up booze. And once I get started, I'll continue the rest of the day. It's such a vicious circle, and I feel like I can absolutely NOT trust myself.
TorontoGuy: I've looked into medications, and my rehab Doctor mentioned that they use it in extreme situations. I'm not sure if I fit that category, but I'm definitely going to ask her about it tomorrow, because I'm VERY scared of slipping up again....
....It's strange how the craving will sneak up on me. I'll have every intention of staying sober and on track...and then one day it's as if I've completely gone crazy - I'll totally rationalize the decision to go to the liquor store and pick up booze. And once I get started, I'll continue the rest of the day. It's such a vicious circle, and I feel like I can absolutely NOT trust myself.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 889
Perhaps it's an idea to work out how 'rationalizing' the decision to go pick up booze goes, how does that process work for you? Once you know it you'll prolly realize it's pretty irrational actually. Just a suggestion. Anyway welcome back! 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Toronto,Ontario
Posts: 1,027
Hey- How does one define "extreme" situation ?
On the outside I look perfect.. Great job, great education, great car, great income blah blah blah... Getting wasted every 2-3 days and telling myself that will never happen again is what drove me to antabuse... Basically, I did not trust myself to make the right choice anymore... I am put in a lot of situations where there is drinking (mpstly work functions)(especially in this warm Toronto weather), and now I do not have a choice to drink.. It's that simple.. I plan on getting off of it within the next 30-60 days, but I need to make sure my rehab is going well enough to "trust myself again"....
On the outside I look perfect.. Great job, great education, great car, great income blah blah blah... Getting wasted every 2-3 days and telling myself that will never happen again is what drove me to antabuse... Basically, I did not trust myself to make the right choice anymore... I am put in a lot of situations where there is drinking (mpstly work functions)(especially in this warm Toronto weather), and now I do not have a choice to drink.. It's that simple.. I plan on getting off of it within the next 30-60 days, but I need to make sure my rehab is going well enough to "trust myself again"....
L'il fighter
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Mississauga, Ontario
Posts: 297
It's a pretty simple process actually....or is it? I work 12-hour shift work, and do not drink on days that I work (no time, just work, sleep, repeat). I have 2-3 days off at a time, sometimes the weekend and sometimes in the middle of the week. It's those days during the week that are the worst, because my girlfriend goes to work and I'm left on my own all day. Normally, I'd go to the gym, maybe do a few errands. But after that, I'd get the itch....actually, WAAAY worse than an itch, but this strong compulsion to go out and buy booze and bring it home with me. In my mind, there was no way I'd want to go home and hang out by myself unless I was drinking. I guess I was too boring to be with by myself. I could do housework, work on my uniform, do ANYTHING as long as I was drinking as well. Otherwise, I wouldn't have the motivation. After a few drinks of course, I'd usually drop whatever supposed "productive" thing I was doing and sit in front of the computer or TV.
Of course, my girlfriend can tell right away when I've been drinking no matter how hard I try and hide it, and of course there'd be repercussions when she got home. Sometimes I'd be an indignant ass and argue, other times I'd get weepy and remorseful. Either way, every morning afterwards I'd promise myself that that was the last time. And a few days later, it'd be back to the same routine again.
This is the most recent routine, but I've been drinking for 10+ years now, so it changes according to my current living situation.
Of course, my girlfriend can tell right away when I've been drinking no matter how hard I try and hide it, and of course there'd be repercussions when she got home. Sometimes I'd be an indignant ass and argue, other times I'd get weepy and remorseful. Either way, every morning afterwards I'd promise myself that that was the last time. And a few days later, it'd be back to the same routine again.
This is the most recent routine, but I've been drinking for 10+ years now, so it changes according to my current living situation.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Toronto,Ontario
Posts: 1,027
"Either way, every morning afterwards I'd promise myself that that was the last time. And a few days later, it'd be back to the same routine again"...
Thats sounds exactly like me.. Altough I used to drink during the week and be feeling like crap for the next 2 days @ work... My girlfriend hates it with a passion and to be honest, it's just a matter of time before she leaves me if I don't smarten up... Other girls have left me bacause of it.
Anyway, there is hope.... Good luck, and keep posting.
Thats sounds exactly like me.. Altough I used to drink during the week and be feeling like crap for the next 2 days @ work... My girlfriend hates it with a passion and to be honest, it's just a matter of time before she leaves me if I don't smarten up... Other girls have left me bacause of it.
Anyway, there is hope.... Good luck, and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Minneapolis MN
Posts: 404
You can do this. When things are going well - go to a meeting. When you feel like crap and don't want to go - go to a meeting. When you think you want to drink - go to a meeting. It works.
JMHS
JMHS
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: New Focus
Posts: 687
Originally Posted by midgetcop
but I've been drinking for 10+ years now, .
I doubt you will every regret this decision.
Stick with your plan and check in soon
L'il fighter
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Mississauga, Ontario
Posts: 297
Originally Posted by TorontoGuy28
So, how did things go at the doc's on Friday ?
I feel kind of sheepish because I *so* wanted to get the ball rolling. Anyhoo, I have my orientation meeting tomorrow, so at least I can look forward to that. In the meantime, I'm still sober at 9 days (although EXTREMELY irritable), and hopefully it'll stay that way.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Charleston S.C.
Posts: 1,461
Welcome back. Although we all wish everyone will stay, we also want everyone to know you're always welcome back. I always value your encouragement and support, and glad you feel the same. Just remember, many of us know from experence what you are going through. Just by returning to SR you've already helped people that might be on the fence or worried about returning. Thank you for returning, I need friends like you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Toronto,Ontario
Posts: 1,027
" I'm still sober at 9 days (although EXTREMELY irritable),"
I can relate to the irritability component very well... Started week 3 without booze... Hitting the gym helps, so do a few golf games.....
I can relate to the irritability component very well... Started week 3 without booze... Hitting the gym helps, so do a few golf games.....
L'il fighter
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Mississauga, Ontario
Posts: 297
So on Monday I went to my treatment orientation meeting, where we were basically told about the options open to us and upcoming dates for different treatment programs. I decided that a 3-week day course is probably the best option for me - basically I'd be at the hospital 9am-5pm, with weekends off. The only way I can swing this with work is to go in August so that I can get the vacation time. It's a bit of a wait, but so far I'm doing OK on my own, and nothing is stopping me from going to some self-help meetings in the meantime.
I'm feeling pretty good right now. A little sleep-deprived, but then again, it's not even 5am and I have to get ready for work. I just have to remind myself that I'd feel a helluva lot worse if I had drank last night.
I'm feeling pretty good right now. A little sleep-deprived, but then again, it's not even 5am and I have to get ready for work. I just have to remind myself that I'd feel a helluva lot worse if I had drank last night.
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