Pepsifreek007

I can't do it alone, I am on my 4th day of sobriety. I am fine on the weekdays it's just the weekends I have to worry about that's when my other half wants his drink and I feel left out cause I don't have much to do but maybe clean up the house, make dinner, or watch tv. For awhile I was playing pokemon with my daughter but I got too hooked on that and gave that up. Still feeling alittle depressed from this weekend, I went to my nephews birthday party and his youner brother was drunk somehow, he got ahold of some alcohal and I found out he gets into my brothers liquer and takes off and gets drunk downtown. I know he's an alcohalic and only 15yrs.old makes me so sad to think of how he feels and what a waste of his life it's going to be if he does not get help.

Five

Bingo. It is getting that [I]belief[I].

Some call it self will. I call it acceptance of this simple fact: I can never drink again.

Five

Stanton peele describes it as something like this:

The negatives pile up. One after another. Over perhaps a few years. The stress and terror of daily drinking becomes more and more profound, the drinker starts to see the negative in the drinking instead of the positive feelings, and eventually, bit by bit, his attitude changes, and at last, he puts down the drink.

Its the way all habbits end. I no longer wanted to drink, so I didnt drink. I dont need anything to keep me sober except my own attitude and beliefs. Help is fantastic! Its groovey! But it does not keep me sober. I am an adult who keeps himself sober. Growing up is about saying: drinking for me is bad, not drinking is good. Its a moral choice more than anything. I would say to anyone who wants to stay quit: you have values and morals right? Well, drinking again is going against what you see as good. Drinking can be like moral poison.

I was a kid inside an adults body for too long - and I grew out of drinking.

El Gato

The reason I say 'anyone' is because there is nothing special about me or my addiction. I mean I was socially ******** from birth. Dropped out of school in the 9th grade. My brain didn't work close to properly until I was 29. No self-awareness. No awareness of the future. No awareness of the world. I couldn't think my way out of a wet paper bag, as my dad so eloquently stated numorous times. I couldn't think about my thinking. I felt I was dumb, yet I was smart enough to know it. Torture. And after that day, I could see clearly that I was a loser. My self-esteem plummeted. I thought about suicide from that day, every day--for 10 years. All the while drinking and drugging of course.

Autumn

El Gato.....

This is one of those unfortunate times when this mode of communication just isn't enough. I'd rather be able to look into your eyes or even hug you....

To simply write that I'm sorry for your struggles and find your accomplishments amazing seems cheesy and shallow. But I am sincere.

I understand how thinking there was nothing special about you or your addiction may have been an important element to getting through what you needed to, without feeling sorry for yourself.

I don't know your entire story. But I hope that you will continue to share.

It's something I wish you could share with my SO. He had a severe closed head injury and had 10% of his brain removed. He has an acrylic plate in his skull the size of a teacup saucer. He had to learn to walk and talk all over again, and now holds a job and functions relatively normally. Unfortunately, he's still an active alcoholic. It's like he just gave up on wanting to better himself, when I know the potential is there.

So yeah darlin'..... I have a whole lot of respect for your fight, and for not giving up.

Autumn

I think Stanton is right. At least for those who got clean without interventions, other exterior pressure, being incarcerated, etc. This is how I did it. I hadn't looked at a book on addiction (that was 12 step related - it's all I ever read, except Wayne Dyer, but his weren't addiction specific) for a fair amount of time or perused any recovery website, ever, prior to quitting. But, and I swear, if I had had any prior knowledge that quitting was entirely doable without a program and that I wasn't diseased, I might have cleaned up a lot sooner. The whole idea of being diseased gave me just the excuse to procrastinate and not take responsibility UNTIL I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. It wasn't until I got online after I quit and realized I wasn't crazy for the primal instinct which spurred me on to quitting (and that lurked inside for so long WHICH I DOUBTED) that I finally felt empowered. I couldn't believe it.

I also feel this way. For me, it isn't so much about the struggle to keep sober. It's somehow learning to replace the pseudo happiness alcohol provided in normal everyday life.

Whatever normal is.

I so envy those who have never become addicts. Especially those who have tried illicit drugs and alcohol and were turned off by the sensation. Addicts love getting high/drunk. There's nothing like it. That perfect plateau (ahhhh). And I have yet to replicate that feeling for any considerable length of time while abstinent, instead of momentary, staggered glimpses of whatever pleasures one's mind of an accustomed high can appreciate from time to time.

Maybe I'm impatient (surprise! Isn't instant gratification one of the hallmarks of an addict?). You know, and I dont think it's something that just *clicks* either. I think lot of it has to do with learning gratitude (especially for the odd, brilliant, amusing thoughts from a sober mind - it's one of the only things that makes sobriety forgivable), and like you said Five, acceptance too.

leviathon

For me it is BEING 100% HONEST WITH MYSELF ABOUT MY ADDICTION, MY PROBLEMS and MY STRENGTHS.

Levi

brigid

Me too Five!

I remember the realisation that alcoholics were overgrown teenagers and that I had been living at 17 in some ways for waaaaayyyyyy too long. The rest of the world had grown up around me and I was still this kid. When it dawned on me that the alcohol had stopped me from growing up it was great - not immediately - over time I learned how to be an adult, slowly but surely. It was a bit of a painful process at first. And all good things are hard won - I have paid my dues and continue to grow and move on.

For me it has always been self realisation ... then it has become recognition of myself in others and I can empathise with their feelings. I can see the stage that they are at.

love Brigid

Five

Autumn - Peele, who I used to deteste, has written some really, really enlightning work. He kind of zooms out, sees the alcoholic in the context of society, and then zooms in to the actual thoughts and beliefs that keep the bloody thing running.

I found his work very, very difficult to read. It so dense and thick, but after a few re with a quiet mind, it slowly filtered into me what he was saying.

He is, importantly, evidence based. He says things that have been supported by science.

Great stuff.

Five

"I also feel this way. For me, it isn't so much about the struggle to keep sober. It's somehow learning to replace the pseudo happiness alcohol provided in normal everyday life."

Aut, this made me think of something Bert Russell said: alcoholic drinking is happiness in the negative. Which means, I think, that its happiness that is within the context of unhappiness, so therefore it cannot be true happiness.

Which leads on to what I strive for: a sense of rational, positive in the positive, happiness. Happiness not built on bull s hit, scheming, sex, compulsive energy.

I am ramblin like a dirty rambler...

El Gato

Exactly! When I was having high anxiety/panic attacks and HBP and finally went to the doctor, he told me I couldn't do it alone. He sends me to the Community Services Board who tell me I can't do it alone or without AA. In the media everyday it's said you can't do it alone or without AA. My Dad says I can't do it alone because he is subjected to said media. After 6 months and an ER visit I decided that was it! I could do it alone because I had had enough! And yes, that's when I started reading books on the subject. I'm still not doing that great sometimes--recovery is a fluid situation for me. But hey, I can't expect miracles after a 20 year career.

And thanks Autumn, for your kind words.

Jerry

Autumn

I agree. Thanks for bringing it to the surface..... 'cause yeah..... I knew that.

I might dig into Stanton one day. A little birdie told me about his site, and I very much enjoy it.

*smile*

Autumn

You're welcome, Jerry. It isn't that I hold a grudge against AA for the predominant message in our society that alcoholics are diseased and powerless. Maybe I should contact the Fox 2 News Problem Solvers.

Seriously though..... AA didn't get me sober (okay - DRY), SMART didn't get me cleaned up, neither did Rational Recovery, the internet, or God (though it may be arrogant and presumptuous to assume it didn't happen that way). In any case, I feel lucky for whatever separates me from the still suffering.

AA has some things to help me learn to live a sober life. SOME, I say. Not ALL.

All I want is to live a better life, and I really don't care what it takes.

El Gato

I'd like to ammend what I have said in this thread. I now believe that the key for me (and perhaps everyone), was to change the way I was thinking. And although I am not an expert on any program, I'm sure no matter what program you use or even if its just reading books, changed thinking is at the center of recovery. So I say whatever method you use, its all good.

michaelj

Jerry,
You say that there is nothing special about you or your addiction and then go on to reveal that you are very special indeed. We each and every one of us is unique. Just like our fingerprints or our DNA there isn't another person in the world who is anything like us. Our individual traits, perceptions and prejudices are unique. What's more so is our addiction. My addiction to alcohol might be similar to yours but it is different in subtle and not so subtle ways.
If my me and my addiction are unique then the "cure" that works for me is going to be peculiar to me as well. Now I happen to agree with your first post and am happy and content to simply never drink again. I have made a rational and informed decision and I will see it through. I am happy with that because of who and what I am, but there will be many in our community who would be in the depths of misery at such a prospect.
12 step programmes, face to face support, one day at a time strategies all have their place because the incidence of alcoholism is not confined to rational atheists like me. I have given AA a go and remain eternally grateful for the start they gave me. I am also grateful for forums like this where I have learned different techniques and coping strategies. Long may these lessons continue.
Michael

2dayzmuse

So what did?