I am considering drinking again.
Knucklehead
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Davenport, WA
Posts: 4,005
Originally Posted by CDr55
I have been sober for over 9 months now, and I am going through somewhat of a difficult time. It seems that no matter what, I cannot live life on lifes terms. All it takes is for something to go wrong, and my whole mentality changes for the worse. I live life constantly with feelings of guilt, anger and fear. I am 27 years old, and I have been struggling with anxiety, depression, and OCD ever since I was a kid.
I've gone to AA meetings, and overall, I just did not feel the benefits. They were highly time-consuming and repetitive. Often times, people would just discount my problems, and I felt that what I learned was everything was my fault. I realize that I am a self-centered high maintenance individual, and AA just served as a reminder of my short comings. I know that life can be a whole lot worse, but that does not necessarily change the pain I feel. I just never stop worrying or thinking.
I've gone to AA meetings, and overall, I just did not feel the benefits. They were highly time-consuming and repetitive. Often times, people would just discount my problems, and I felt that what I learned was everything was my fault. I realize that I am a self-centered high maintenance individual, and AA just served as a reminder of my short comings. I know that life can be a whole lot worse, but that does not necessarily change the pain I feel. I just never stop worrying or thinking.
http://www.draonline.org/
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Originally Posted by CDr55
I am gay, which I do not know why, but I hate about myself. I am Christian, and struggling with my beliefs as well. It seems overall, that lately I have just had a lack of faith. Overall, I just feel inhuman and restricted.
I know that drinking will not make things better, but it does kill the pain and makes me feel somewhat human and alive, even if it is for only a short time.
I know that drinking will not make things better, but it does kill the pain and makes me feel somewhat human and alive, even if it is for only a short time.
Far as I know most christians do not approve of homosexuality.
If you are gay and a christian it seems to me that you are in a very torn place, Perhaps you need to examine your sexual orientation and your religious beliefs a little more closely and make up your mind about which direction you want to take.
Your spiritual beliefs and your physical desires may be at war with each other and that is a very unpleasant place to be.
alconaut
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Motor City
Posts: 729
Originally Posted by doorknob
You might look into a dual diagnosis group. People there will understand what it is like to suffer from mental illness, and won't discount it, as sometimes happen in AA/NA.
http://www.draonline.org/
http://www.draonline.org/
CDr55 - sorry for what you're going through, and I hope things improve for you soon.
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
Well done CD! You got through the night, you didn't pick up. I am very proud of you, and I hope you are proud of yourself too! You've done great. Well done.
Please keep posting and pm me any time.
Sending out a big cyber hug to you. God loves you regardless of your sexual orientation....sure, he made you!
Cathy31
x
Please keep posting and pm me any time.
Sending out a big cyber hug to you. God loves you regardless of your sexual orientation....sure, he made you!
Cathy31
x
Michael
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: London England
Posts: 291
Originally Posted by CDr55
Thanks to all of you for your words and suggestions. I'll tell you, I just woke up about 45 minutes ago, and still sober. It seems as though no matter how bad I feel, I have not had a day yet where I woke up regretting that I did not drink.
CDr55, you should use those wake up feelings to start a cost/benefit analysis of your drinking and see what side of the balance sheet you would prefer to be on.
Michael
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 54
You might look into a Unitarian church. This is not a Christian church but it does espouse some Christian teachings. It's very liberal and open to gays. You can believe whatever you want as it's a "deeds before creed" approach.
Also remember that therapy is often a good thing, and getting on an anti-depressant might help too if you're not on one.
Finally, do you work out? I find that physical exercise is really a good way to work off some anxiety. You'll feel better too.
Also remember that therapy is often a good thing, and getting on an anti-depressant might help too if you're not on one.
Finally, do you work out? I find that physical exercise is really a good way to work off some anxiety. You'll feel better too.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Sorry you are having these troubles......you might like to talk to Don about this.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tml#post924293
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tml#post924293
Been there and done.
Join Date: May 2005
Location: West Coast North America
Posts: 269
Seems like you are sorting through a bunch off issues. AA can address many of them, but not all.
I think that therapy in addition to a group like AA would make sense. Give yourself a break: not by drinking again, but by realizing that you are trying to deal with a lot of heavy issues. Get some help in sorting them out.
I think that therapy in addition to a group like AA would make sense. Give yourself a break: not by drinking again, but by realizing that you are trying to deal with a lot of heavy issues. Get some help in sorting them out.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 69
Thanks again to everyone for all their replies.
Posting here has helped me. I have been thinking about drinking for a while now "which I think may be normal at times" in early sobriety. In my heart, I honestly know that it is not the answer. I hate to admit it, but I am the type of person that often wants the comfortable and conveinant answers in life, instead of the correct ones.
At times, I wish that I was not an alcoholic, and it is difficult for me to remember that my body does not respond to alcohol as others do. For me to go out and enjoy drinking, it has to be unlimited. With the sobriety I have, I do not think that it is a safe option.
I have been to therapists on and off since I was ten years old, and I need to start seeing one again at some point in time. One problem I have is procrastination. The last one I went to was with a county program. I got switched to a different one, and I never called to make an appointment, so I do not know if I am in the system anymore, plus I was late on payments.
In regards to working the steps in AA, I only did the first one. I procrastinated, and my sponsor made a larger emphasis on collecting phone numbers from people at meetings, calling at least two people a day, and going to a meeting a day. All in all, it just added more stress to a cramped schedule.
Right now, I do not want a large meeting schedule, but I would not mind working the steps, or possibly looking at other recovery options.
Posting here has helped me. I have been thinking about drinking for a while now "which I think may be normal at times" in early sobriety. In my heart, I honestly know that it is not the answer. I hate to admit it, but I am the type of person that often wants the comfortable and conveinant answers in life, instead of the correct ones.
At times, I wish that I was not an alcoholic, and it is difficult for me to remember that my body does not respond to alcohol as others do. For me to go out and enjoy drinking, it has to be unlimited. With the sobriety I have, I do not think that it is a safe option.
I have been to therapists on and off since I was ten years old, and I need to start seeing one again at some point in time. One problem I have is procrastination. The last one I went to was with a county program. I got switched to a different one, and I never called to make an appointment, so I do not know if I am in the system anymore, plus I was late on payments.
In regards to working the steps in AA, I only did the first one. I procrastinated, and my sponsor made a larger emphasis on collecting phone numbers from people at meetings, calling at least two people a day, and going to a meeting a day. All in all, it just added more stress to a cramped schedule.
Right now, I do not want a large meeting schedule, but I would not mind working the steps, or possibly looking at other recovery options.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 889
Here's a link to alternatives to AA: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nfo-76726.html I go by the SMART program, it's helped a lot, also with other behaviors I wish to change (for example: procrastination).
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
Hi CD,
It is so great to get an update from you...you sound a whole lot better! I'm so glad.
Oh, I can relate so to much of what you say...I too wish I was not an alcoholic at times...but I liked what you said about your body not responding to alcohol as others' do...that's the (physical) problem you know...and we need to remember it.
I can only talk to you about the steps, so that's what I'll do. The steps are SO powerful (I swear it's like it was totally God./other worldly inspired how powerful they are!) let me share how I did it...
1) Re-committed to AA...that didn't mean I gave up everything in my whole life...but I did prioritise AA and I get to 3 meetings a week which works for me. The thing is the more meetings I go to, the more in control/peaceful./serene I feel so I intend to up that, but that's what I am diong now.
2) Working with my sponsor...I hear you about procrastination - what is it about us and procrastination!!!Sheesh! But I'm on my way...I'm doing step 4 now...I also considered therapy but I realised for me, all I need to do is a) stay sober and b) work the steps (going to meetings facilitates this not the other way around if you know what I mean!)
CD, all I can say is that we have such a privilege here to be able to engage with a program like AA and the 12 steps...we also get to meet such amazing people, I love that part too. THe love of one alcoholic for another is truly miraculous...and it's all there...for free!!!!
So, I hope you stay strong in your resolution of not picking up again (good for you, just go back to 24 hours a day...today on the way to a meeting I thought F*CK am I NEVER going to drink again!>?>?!?!?!?! (of course as a NORMAL person, not the uncontrollable alcoholic that I am!) I just had to nbring myself back to .,...Cath, you won't drink today, doll!
And btw, fake it til you make it IS valid!!!! I did aa not to the best of my ability for many months...yes the results were nil, etc etc BUT it was my path, and it was not for nothing, cause now I am engaged and sober and grateful and working the steps. My life is an utter blessing thanks to God and AA.
Cathy31
x
It is so great to get an update from you...you sound a whole lot better!
I'm so glad.Oh, I can relate so to much of what you say...I too wish I was not an alcoholic at times...but I liked what you said about your body not responding to alcohol as others' do...that's the (physical) problem you know...and we need to remember it.
I can only talk to you about the steps, so that's what I'll do. The steps are SO powerful (I swear it's like it was totally God./other worldly inspired how powerful they are!) let me share how I did it...
1) Re-committed to AA...that didn't mean I gave up everything in my whole life...but I did prioritise AA and I get to 3 meetings a week which works for me. The thing is the more meetings I go to, the more in control/peaceful./serene I feel so I intend to up that, but that's what I am diong now.
2) Working with my sponsor...I hear you about procrastination - what is it about us and procrastination!!!Sheesh! But I'm on my way...I'm doing step 4 now...I also considered therapy but I realised for me, all I need to do is a) stay sober and b) work the steps (going to meetings facilitates this not the other way around if you know what I mean!
)CD, all I can say is that we have such a privilege here to be able to engage with a program like AA and the 12 steps...we also get to meet such amazing people, I love that part too. THe love of one alcoholic for another is truly miraculous...and it's all there...for free!!!!
So, I hope you stay strong in your resolution of not picking up again (good for you, just go back to 24 hours a day...today on the way to a meeting I thought F*CK am I NEVER going to drink again!>?>?!?!?!?! (of course as a NORMAL person, not the uncontrollable alcoholic that I am!) I just had to nbring myself back to .,...Cath, you won't drink today, doll!
And btw, fake it til you make it IS valid!!!! I did aa not to the best of my ability for many months...yes the results were nil, etc etc BUT it was my path, and it was not for nothing, cause now I am engaged and sober and grateful and working the steps. My life is an utter blessing thanks to God and AA.
Cathy31
x
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