My Addiction... exploring the good and the bad... thanks to Don S.
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My Addiction... exploring the good and the bad... thanks to Don S.
I saw this posted by Don S. and found it thought provoking and decided to post it as a thread. Hope it inspires you as it has inspired me to really look at my addiction under a microscope if you will... Peace Levi.
A Cost Benefit Analysis: Four Questions About My Addiction to clear up what I found good and bad about it for ease of reference in times of crisis:
1.What do I enjoy about my addiction, what does it do for me (be specific)?
List as many things as you can that you liked about whatever you are/were addicted to. a. Where possible, find alternative ways of achieving the same goals.
b. Recognize positive thinking about the addiction as a potential relapse warning sign.
c. Realize that there are some things you liked about the addiction you will have to learn to live without.
d. List what you enjoy about your addiction so you can ask yourself if it is really worth the price. e. Realize that you aren't stupid; you did get something from your addiction. It just may not be working on your behalf anymore.
2. What do I hate about my addiction, what does it do to me (give specific examples)?
List as many of the bad, undesirable results of your addiction as you can. Here it is extremely important that you use specific examples. Specific examples have much greater emotional impact and motivational force!
a. Ask yourself honestly "If my addiction was a used car, would I pay this much for it?"
b. Review this list often, especially if you are having a lot of positive, happy thoughts about all the great things your addiction did for you.
3. What do I think I will like about giving up my addiction?
List what good things you think/fantasize will happen when you stop your addiction.
a. This provides you with a list of goals to achieve and things to look forward to as a result of your new addiction free lifestyle.
b. This list also helps you to reality test your expectations. If they are unrealistic, they can lead to a disappointment based relapse.
4. What do I think I won't like about giving up my addiction?
List what you think you are going to hate, dread or merely dislike about living without your addiction.
a. This list tells you what kinds of new coping skills, behaviors and lifestyle changes you need to develop in order to stay addiction free.
b. It also serves as another relapse warning list. If all you think about is how much life sucks now that you are not doing your addiction, you are in a relapse thought pattern that is just as dangerous as only focusing on what you liked about your addiction.
This is not a do once and forget about it exercise. It is an ongoing project. Most people simply can't remember all of the positive and negative aspects of addiction and recovery at any one time. Furthermore, seeing all the negative consequences of addiction listed in one place is very powerful. On the positive side, no one really knows what they like or don't like about living free of their addiction until they have done so for some time. I know of people who continued to add items to all four questions for a full 6 months.
A Cost Benefit Analysis: Four Questions About My Addiction to clear up what I found good and bad about it for ease of reference in times of crisis:
1.What do I enjoy about my addiction, what does it do for me (be specific)?
List as many things as you can that you liked about whatever you are/were addicted to. a. Where possible, find alternative ways of achieving the same goals.
b. Recognize positive thinking about the addiction as a potential relapse warning sign.
c. Realize that there are some things you liked about the addiction you will have to learn to live without.
d. List what you enjoy about your addiction so you can ask yourself if it is really worth the price. e. Realize that you aren't stupid; you did get something from your addiction. It just may not be working on your behalf anymore.
2. What do I hate about my addiction, what does it do to me (give specific examples)?
List as many of the bad, undesirable results of your addiction as you can. Here it is extremely important that you use specific examples. Specific examples have much greater emotional impact and motivational force!
a. Ask yourself honestly "If my addiction was a used car, would I pay this much for it?"
b. Review this list often, especially if you are having a lot of positive, happy thoughts about all the great things your addiction did for you.
3. What do I think I will like about giving up my addiction?
List what good things you think/fantasize will happen when you stop your addiction.
a. This provides you with a list of goals to achieve and things to look forward to as a result of your new addiction free lifestyle.
b. This list also helps you to reality test your expectations. If they are unrealistic, they can lead to a disappointment based relapse.
4. What do I think I won't like about giving up my addiction?
List what you think you are going to hate, dread or merely dislike about living without your addiction.
a. This list tells you what kinds of new coping skills, behaviors and lifestyle changes you need to develop in order to stay addiction free.
b. It also serves as another relapse warning list. If all you think about is how much life sucks now that you are not doing your addiction, you are in a relapse thought pattern that is just as dangerous as only focusing on what you liked about your addiction.
This is not a do once and forget about it exercise. It is an ongoing project. Most people simply can't remember all of the positive and negative aspects of addiction and recovery at any one time. Furthermore, seeing all the negative consequences of addiction listed in one place is very powerful. On the positive side, no one really knows what they like or don't like about living free of their addiction until they have done so for some time. I know of people who continued to add items to all four questions for a full 6 months.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
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Thank you Carol, I didn't realize it was smart recovery per say, rather I thought it was just a tool to inventory with. I know this is something I can use daily. Levi
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Ok, here goes, my intention was to complete this on line so others could see it and maybe it will help them as I know it is helping me...
1.What do I enjoy about my addiction, what does it do for me (be specific)?
List as many things as you can that you liked about whatever you are/were addicted to.
I enjoyed, initially when I was first addicted, the sense that I could talk to anyone, I've never been overly comfortable in crowds. Later, as the addiction progressed, I enjoyed being "numbed out" to the worries and concerns of the world. My only concern was whether I could get that drink into me once work was over.
a. Where possible, find alternative ways of achieving the same goals.
I'm still working on this, I talk to a counsellor from time to time; I chat on this board; I go to restaurants and other public places where I have to interact to adjust. Others have suggested taking an acting class or public speaking class... the latter really isn't an issue for me as I am a lawyer and am fine speaking to the public, my issue is with meeting new people or being in smaller groups and interacting with the public.
b. Recognize positive thinking about the addiction as a potential relapse warning sign.
I know from my relapses that I usually start thinking about ohhh just one drink, it will mellow you out, and I immediately take an anta abuse.
c. Realize that there are some things you liked about the addiction you will have to learn to live without.
Being comfortable in situations where I am generally not comfortable ... meeting new people, meeting attractive women, being at social gatherings/functions. I will learn new strategies to deal with these situations as I am out and in them.
d. List what you enjoy about your addiction so you can ask yourself if it is really worth the price.
Price beyond the financial, approximatley $400.00 per month, was socially I became extremely isolated, very depressed, had all kinds of medical side effects including nausea, headaches, groggieness, stomach aches, could actually feel my liver achings, intestinal problems, general state of unhappiness, suicide ideation at times though NEVER acted on it, detachment from life, loss of interest in various sports and other activities that I liked. Loss of interest in dating or relationships... they got in the way of drinking and more importantly they would "know".
e. Realize that you aren't stupid; you did get something from your addiction. It just may not be working on your behalf anymore.
Stopped working early on as I withdrew socially and gave up most, if not all, of my recreational activities and my mild long standing depression became chronic clinical depression.
2. What do I hate about my addiction, what does it do to me (give specific examples)?
List as many of the bad, undesirable results of your addiction as you can. Here it is extremely important that you use specific examples. Specific examples have much greater emotional impact and motivational force!
a. Ask yourself honestly "If my addiction was a used car, would I pay this much for it?"
If my addiction was a used car or even a house, I would have got rid of it within six months of having it. The costs are just too high and it was only the irrational stinking thinking that kept me going for two years of nightly drinking.
Actual problems included: social isolation, depression (clinical), suicide ideation at times though not acted on, fatigue, chronic intestinal tract problems, chronic low grade headaches and groggieness or muddled head, loss of interest in life, loss of interest in nutrition (whereas before I was a competitive athlete), underperformance at my job and general loss of interest in my job, quit working out and training which I had done for 20 years prior, nausea (daily), sore throat, sore back (alcohol consumption is proven to be a leading cause of back pain), sore liver, always looking tired and generally ill looking, financial problems due to mismanagement of funds to support alcohol consumption, yellowish tinge to skin from ongoing damage to live...fortunately this cleared up when I stopped drinking, sore and tired eyes, guilt over telephone calls and other communications that I had with friends and family that resulted in rifts, GENERAL DISSATISFACTION with life. The deceptions and misleading actions necessary to support the addiction. The harm I've caused to others indirectly by not being reliable or there for them when needed where I previously would have been. The nasty burps that I got from that pint of scotch straight each night. The chills and sweats. The insomnia caused by drying out. The shame of having to shop at various liqour stores so "no one would know I was an alcoholic"... ya right, everyone knew except me. The diahrea caused by the alcohol consumption. The constant concern... up to the first drink... that someone would find out... yah, right, those that cared about me already knew. The guilt over my giving into the very addiction that caused my parents so much hurt and harm when I swore as a kid I would never be like them. The stupidity and insanity of living as an alcoholic. The personal and spiritual damage I suffered as a result of my own refusal to deal with my addiction. The high blood pressure caused by alcohol consumption and damage it caused to my body. Having to live with this damned monkey on my back for the rest of my life b/c it is permanent. I have drunk like an alcoholic from the start. First drink was at 13 and I downed 2 oz of vodka doubled up with 2 oz of everclear. Puked black as a result (alcohol poisoning) and have drank like that every time I have consumed with very few exceptions.
b. Review this list often, especially if you are having a lot of positive, happy thoughts about all the great things your addiction did for you.
3. What do I think I will like about giving up my addiction?
Feeling healthy, getting back into the gym and outside sports. Working on my house, lawn, vehicle. Loving my job again. Doing a good job at everything and not just a half assed job b/c I am too hung over to care. Having money in the bank to spare. Enjoying each day for the beauty and wonder that I discover in it. Having an interest in life. Meeting new people, going on trips, getting out and meeting new people (yes I've actually been doing that). Having an interest in developing a relationship for the first time in a few years. Enjoying my two cats and playing with them. Visiting my nieces and nephews. Being a bit of a card as I used to be. Riding my bike. Learning new things. Taking a master's course to continue my education. Generally loving every day and the fact that I am alive and part of it.
List what good things you think/fantasize will happen when you stop your addiction.
a. This provides you with a list of goals to achieve and things to look forward to as a result of your new addiction free lifestyle.
b. This list also helps you to reality test your expectations. If they are unrealistic, they can lead to a disappointment based relapse.
4. What do I think I won't like about giving up my addiction? List what you think you are going to hate, dread or merely dislike about living without your addiction.
No more numbing out or denial. That warm burning sensation that you get after the first drink and the immediate high I would get. Not being normal such that I cannot drink socially when others are around or alone for that matter ... and the awkward feeling when others ask are you sure you don't want a beer or something at social gatherings or after hockey or curling games. Awkward feeling in social situations... but this too shall pass as I grow and change. That's about it.
a. This list tells you what kinds of new coping skills, behaviors and lifestyle changes
you need to develop in order to stay addiction free.
b. It also serves as another relapse warning list. If all you think about is how much life sucks now that you are not doing your addiction, you are in a relapse thought pattern that is just as dangerous as only focusing on what you liked about your addiction.
I am going to try to do this assessment daily for six months (privately, don't want to burden you all) as suggested to see how much I've actually missed in this first attempt.
1.What do I enjoy about my addiction, what does it do for me (be specific)?
List as many things as you can that you liked about whatever you are/were addicted to.
I enjoyed, initially when I was first addicted, the sense that I could talk to anyone, I've never been overly comfortable in crowds. Later, as the addiction progressed, I enjoyed being "numbed out" to the worries and concerns of the world. My only concern was whether I could get that drink into me once work was over.
a. Where possible, find alternative ways of achieving the same goals.
I'm still working on this, I talk to a counsellor from time to time; I chat on this board; I go to restaurants and other public places where I have to interact to adjust. Others have suggested taking an acting class or public speaking class... the latter really isn't an issue for me as I am a lawyer and am fine speaking to the public, my issue is with meeting new people or being in smaller groups and interacting with the public.
b. Recognize positive thinking about the addiction as a potential relapse warning sign.
I know from my relapses that I usually start thinking about ohhh just one drink, it will mellow you out, and I immediately take an anta abuse.
c. Realize that there are some things you liked about the addiction you will have to learn to live without.
Being comfortable in situations where I am generally not comfortable ... meeting new people, meeting attractive women, being at social gatherings/functions. I will learn new strategies to deal with these situations as I am out and in them.
d. List what you enjoy about your addiction so you can ask yourself if it is really worth the price.
Price beyond the financial, approximatley $400.00 per month, was socially I became extremely isolated, very depressed, had all kinds of medical side effects including nausea, headaches, groggieness, stomach aches, could actually feel my liver achings, intestinal problems, general state of unhappiness, suicide ideation at times though NEVER acted on it, detachment from life, loss of interest in various sports and other activities that I liked. Loss of interest in dating or relationships... they got in the way of drinking and more importantly they would "know".
e. Realize that you aren't stupid; you did get something from your addiction. It just may not be working on your behalf anymore.
Stopped working early on as I withdrew socially and gave up most, if not all, of my recreational activities and my mild long standing depression became chronic clinical depression.
2. What do I hate about my addiction, what does it do to me (give specific examples)?
List as many of the bad, undesirable results of your addiction as you can. Here it is extremely important that you use specific examples. Specific examples have much greater emotional impact and motivational force!
a. Ask yourself honestly "If my addiction was a used car, would I pay this much for it?"
If my addiction was a used car or even a house, I would have got rid of it within six months of having it. The costs are just too high and it was only the irrational stinking thinking that kept me going for two years of nightly drinking.
Actual problems included: social isolation, depression (clinical), suicide ideation at times though not acted on, fatigue, chronic intestinal tract problems, chronic low grade headaches and groggieness or muddled head, loss of interest in life, loss of interest in nutrition (whereas before I was a competitive athlete), underperformance at my job and general loss of interest in my job, quit working out and training which I had done for 20 years prior, nausea (daily), sore throat, sore back (alcohol consumption is proven to be a leading cause of back pain), sore liver, always looking tired and generally ill looking, financial problems due to mismanagement of funds to support alcohol consumption, yellowish tinge to skin from ongoing damage to live...fortunately this cleared up when I stopped drinking, sore and tired eyes, guilt over telephone calls and other communications that I had with friends and family that resulted in rifts, GENERAL DISSATISFACTION with life. The deceptions and misleading actions necessary to support the addiction. The harm I've caused to others indirectly by not being reliable or there for them when needed where I previously would have been. The nasty burps that I got from that pint of scotch straight each night. The chills and sweats. The insomnia caused by drying out. The shame of having to shop at various liqour stores so "no one would know I was an alcoholic"... ya right, everyone knew except me. The diahrea caused by the alcohol consumption. The constant concern... up to the first drink... that someone would find out... yah, right, those that cared about me already knew. The guilt over my giving into the very addiction that caused my parents so much hurt and harm when I swore as a kid I would never be like them. The stupidity and insanity of living as an alcoholic. The personal and spiritual damage I suffered as a result of my own refusal to deal with my addiction. The high blood pressure caused by alcohol consumption and damage it caused to my body. Having to live with this damned monkey on my back for the rest of my life b/c it is permanent. I have drunk like an alcoholic from the start. First drink was at 13 and I downed 2 oz of vodka doubled up with 2 oz of everclear. Puked black as a result (alcohol poisoning) and have drank like that every time I have consumed with very few exceptions.
b. Review this list often, especially if you are having a lot of positive, happy thoughts about all the great things your addiction did for you.
3. What do I think I will like about giving up my addiction?
Feeling healthy, getting back into the gym and outside sports. Working on my house, lawn, vehicle. Loving my job again. Doing a good job at everything and not just a half assed job b/c I am too hung over to care. Having money in the bank to spare. Enjoying each day for the beauty and wonder that I discover in it. Having an interest in life. Meeting new people, going on trips, getting out and meeting new people (yes I've actually been doing that). Having an interest in developing a relationship for the first time in a few years. Enjoying my two cats and playing with them. Visiting my nieces and nephews. Being a bit of a card as I used to be. Riding my bike. Learning new things. Taking a master's course to continue my education. Generally loving every day and the fact that I am alive and part of it.
List what good things you think/fantasize will happen when you stop your addiction.
a. This provides you with a list of goals to achieve and things to look forward to as a result of your new addiction free lifestyle.
b. This list also helps you to reality test your expectations. If they are unrealistic, they can lead to a disappointment based relapse.
4. What do I think I won't like about giving up my addiction? List what you think you are going to hate, dread or merely dislike about living without your addiction.
No more numbing out or denial. That warm burning sensation that you get after the first drink and the immediate high I would get. Not being normal such that I cannot drink socially when others are around or alone for that matter ... and the awkward feeling when others ask are you sure you don't want a beer or something at social gatherings or after hockey or curling games. Awkward feeling in social situations... but this too shall pass as I grow and change. That's about it.
a. This list tells you what kinds of new coping skills, behaviors and lifestyle changes
you need to develop in order to stay addiction free.
b. It also serves as another relapse warning list. If all you think about is how much life sucks now that you are not doing your addiction, you are in a relapse thought pattern that is just as dangerous as only focusing on what you liked about your addiction.
I am going to try to do this assessment daily for six months (privately, don't want to burden you all) as suggested to see how much I've actually missed in this first attempt.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 29
Levi,
I took a screenwriting class once, and if you have too many words on the page, they say, "too much black!" I think your post is fascinating, but it is a chunk to read brother.
What I found with my list (and yes, I did this!) was that the only benefit was getting high, and all the good feelings that went with it.
Early in my drinking career, the high carried few consequences. Over time, however, the high got less exciting, and the consequences grew. And grew and grew.
Once the consequences became virtually intolerable, I set about the business of quitting, but by that time, the pattern was so ingrained, it was really hard to stop.
I loved listing the good things I would gain by giving up my addiction. There on paper, was the vision of the life I was meant to lead. My drinking was killing my potential every day. So, doing this gave me great HOPE that I could actually evolve into that person.
Now, five years after quitting, I am living the life I had imagined for myself.
Great post.
--Scott
I took a screenwriting class once, and if you have too many words on the page, they say, "too much black!" I think your post is fascinating, but it is a chunk to read brother.
What I found with my list (and yes, I did this!) was that the only benefit was getting high, and all the good feelings that went with it.
Early in my drinking career, the high carried few consequences. Over time, however, the high got less exciting, and the consequences grew. And grew and grew.
Once the consequences became virtually intolerable, I set about the business of quitting, but by that time, the pattern was so ingrained, it was really hard to stop.
I loved listing the good things I would gain by giving up my addiction. There on paper, was the vision of the life I was meant to lead. My drinking was killing my potential every day. So, doing this gave me great HOPE that I could actually evolve into that person.
Now, five years after quitting, I am living the life I had imagined for myself.
Great post.
--Scott
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,432
That is a remarkable illustration of the CBA exercise, Levi. You've demonstrated that it is a very personal process, that it requires some honest introspection, and that it is something to revisit periodically.
Most of us recognize that we like, or liked, alcohol. Acknowledging what it is doing for us is going to be key to making longterm change. It really isn't that difficult to quit drinking for a short period of time. Dealing with the physical urges and discomfort can seem pretty excruciating, but it is bearable. Once we get there -- have a few days sober, and feel pretty good about our accomplishment -- we suddenly have to face the things we drank for.
Everybody differs, and it certainly wouldn't be unusual to have multiple reasons for drinking: coping, boredom, stress, tension, depression, anxiety. Beginning to single those out and deal with them is going to lead to a better life. Meanwhile, of course, it's important that we just don't drink.
Some of the benefits of drinking may become apparent pretty suddenly when we quit. It's useful to know we're not alone, so talking about the changes can be very helpful. I found online communities incredibly useful for that.
In my case, I recognized that drinking settled what I call the 'niggling' portion of my brain: the part of our mind that is always turning over and picking at things: obligations, worries, resentments, unmet goals, and more. Drinking calmed that temporarily, and I really liked having it calmer. But unfortunately the only way to keep it calmer was to keep drinking. So it was necessary to find other ways to deal with that: both active (more effective goal planning) and passive (learning to relax other ways).
Another aspect of the CBA can be to start the process of recognizing unrealistic thoughts and beliefs that we are using to keep drinking. The things we think we will miss about our habit may be irrationally based on exaggerated expectations, overstated fears, or self-fulfilling prophecies. Some people develop a shorthand way of answering those issues: 'how bad is it really?' 'what's the worst that can happen?' etc.
By the way, I completely related to your issues with social anxiety in small groups. I don't at all mind giving a talk to dozens or even hundreds of people--a little stage fright at first, then I'm very comfortable with that. But standing around and making small talk with a half-dozen people?! Gad, no!
Nice example. I hope others will consider sharing what they thought they'd miss most about drinking, and consider doing a public CBA!
Don S
Most of us recognize that we like, or liked, alcohol. Acknowledging what it is doing for us is going to be key to making longterm change. It really isn't that difficult to quit drinking for a short period of time. Dealing with the physical urges and discomfort can seem pretty excruciating, but it is bearable. Once we get there -- have a few days sober, and feel pretty good about our accomplishment -- we suddenly have to face the things we drank for.
Everybody differs, and it certainly wouldn't be unusual to have multiple reasons for drinking: coping, boredom, stress, tension, depression, anxiety. Beginning to single those out and deal with them is going to lead to a better life. Meanwhile, of course, it's important that we just don't drink.
Some of the benefits of drinking may become apparent pretty suddenly when we quit. It's useful to know we're not alone, so talking about the changes can be very helpful. I found online communities incredibly useful for that.
In my case, I recognized that drinking settled what I call the 'niggling' portion of my brain: the part of our mind that is always turning over and picking at things: obligations, worries, resentments, unmet goals, and more. Drinking calmed that temporarily, and I really liked having it calmer. But unfortunately the only way to keep it calmer was to keep drinking. So it was necessary to find other ways to deal with that: both active (more effective goal planning) and passive (learning to relax other ways).
Another aspect of the CBA can be to start the process of recognizing unrealistic thoughts and beliefs that we are using to keep drinking. The things we think we will miss about our habit may be irrationally based on exaggerated expectations, overstated fears, or self-fulfilling prophecies. Some people develop a shorthand way of answering those issues: 'how bad is it really?' 'what's the worst that can happen?' etc.
By the way, I completely related to your issues with social anxiety in small groups. I don't at all mind giving a talk to dozens or even hundreds of people--a little stage fright at first, then I'm very comfortable with that. But standing around and making small talk with a half-dozen people?! Gad, no!
Nice example. I hope others will consider sharing what they thought they'd miss most about drinking, and consider doing a public CBA!
Don S
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: London
Posts: 1,229
"that it requires some honest introspection" Key to my recovery there Don.
I dont really need to work this exercise for now - as I believe I have nipped the drinking problem in the bud.
Where SMART is so useful (and the larger CBT community) is at self management, and healing - it does heal to get beyond my normal limitations (all of which imposed by irrational beliefs). I started CBT very, very early in my recovery - and now it is fairly automatic. I take pen to paper after a 'tough day' and continue to learn. Goals (cheesy word but they do exist), values, beliefs, attitudes, assumptions, behaviours can all be scrutinised using CBT. With practice has been vital for me getting where I am today. I must write one day how I use it on a basic level. I will contine to contribute money to SMART.
Aristotle said 'reason' was at the heart of human flourashing - and I agree with him.
I dont really need to work this exercise for now - as I believe I have nipped the drinking problem in the bud.
Where SMART is so useful (and the larger CBT community) is at self management, and healing - it does heal to get beyond my normal limitations (all of which imposed by irrational beliefs). I started CBT very, very early in my recovery - and now it is fairly automatic. I take pen to paper after a 'tough day' and continue to learn. Goals (cheesy word but they do exist), values, beliefs, attitudes, assumptions, behaviours can all be scrutinised using CBT. With practice has been vital for me getting where I am today. I must write one day how I use it on a basic level. I will contine to contribute money to SMART.
Aristotle said 'reason' was at the heart of human flourashing - and I agree with him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Somwhere over the rainbow
Posts: 1,175
Hi Don and Five, good input. I really appreciate that. I know since writing that yesterday I have added a number of things I missed at home... not sure the listserve wants to monitor my day to day discoveries.
One of the things I discovered early in sobriety and that became apparent doing this exercise was that I was having a hard time connecting the "consequences" of my drinking before taking the next drink. It was funny how my user self could overlook the fact that all the physical discomforts were from alcohol so that I could then rationalize that "If I just take a drink I'll feel better". Reality check, the reason I felt like crap was because I was drinking the day before.
I have taken a number of psych courses and one of the keys to behaviouralism theory is cause and effect, positive and negative reinforcement. For some reason I did not connect the negative reinforcement with the drinking. I.e. I ignored the fact that the drinking was causing the symptoms so that I could go on drinking. It is amazing in all other aspects of my life, I do not do that, yet with alcohol I did. Scary really.
So I took some of that good old operant conditioning theory and used anta abuse to really make the negative reinforcement very unpleasant... touch alcohol you feel like you are dying... positive reinforcement take the anta abuse, live an active life, feel happy. It really was that simple in beating this one hurdle that had kept me in its clutches for over a year.
Again, thanks for the input and I invite others to share their assessment if they wish. OR, if others wish to see my ongoing insights, post that and I will commit to updating it here.
Levi.
One of the things I discovered early in sobriety and that became apparent doing this exercise was that I was having a hard time connecting the "consequences" of my drinking before taking the next drink. It was funny how my user self could overlook the fact that all the physical discomforts were from alcohol so that I could then rationalize that "If I just take a drink I'll feel better". Reality check, the reason I felt like crap was because I was drinking the day before.
I have taken a number of psych courses and one of the keys to behaviouralism theory is cause and effect, positive and negative reinforcement. For some reason I did not connect the negative reinforcement with the drinking. I.e. I ignored the fact that the drinking was causing the symptoms so that I could go on drinking. It is amazing in all other aspects of my life, I do not do that, yet with alcohol I did. Scary really.
So I took some of that good old operant conditioning theory and used anta abuse to really make the negative reinforcement very unpleasant... touch alcohol you feel like you are dying... positive reinforcement take the anta abuse, live an active life, feel happy. It really was that simple in beating this one hurdle that had kept me in its clutches for over a year.
Again, thanks for the input and I invite others to share their assessment if they wish. OR, if others wish to see my ongoing insights, post that and I will commit to updating it here.
Levi.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Somwhere over the rainbow
Posts: 1,175
2. What do I hate about my addiction ... continued
I hated the sweats that I would get from it. I would walk a block and be pouring sweat in pools off my body. I would wake in the morning and my pillow and bed sheets would be drenched from the toxic waste pouring out of my body. It was really embarassing, I would go with others for lunch and I would walk back with them and be drenched halfway back and have to explain that "oh I must of had a reaction to something in the food"... rather than the truth, which is I am an alcoholic and b/c I drank so much last night I am sweating out the toxins today.
Another thing I really disliked, it only happened once, but I actually got up and was headed for work. The night before I had a very difficult time sleeping ... this was near the end where the alcohol wasn't working as a sedative any longer so I had popped a few sleeping pills (over the counter). I was on the subway to work and I blacked out. How bloody embarrasing. Of course, I got off the subway and then of course the sweats set in and the shakes.
Here's a you know you are a drunk when... my local liquor store owner would front me mickey's until I got paid b/c I was such a good "regular". I also caught some guy stealing a bottle of booze, ran him down and got it back... they gave me a mickey... ahhh good times... NOT!
I hated the sweats that I would get from it. I would walk a block and be pouring sweat in pools off my body. I would wake in the morning and my pillow and bed sheets would be drenched from the toxic waste pouring out of my body. It was really embarassing, I would go with others for lunch and I would walk back with them and be drenched halfway back and have to explain that "oh I must of had a reaction to something in the food"... rather than the truth, which is I am an alcoholic and b/c I drank so much last night I am sweating out the toxins today.
Another thing I really disliked, it only happened once, but I actually got up and was headed for work. The night before I had a very difficult time sleeping ... this was near the end where the alcohol wasn't working as a sedative any longer so I had popped a few sleeping pills (over the counter). I was on the subway to work and I blacked out. How bloody embarrasing. Of course, I got off the subway and then of course the sweats set in and the shakes.
Here's a you know you are a drunk when... my local liquor store owner would front me mickey's until I got paid b/c I was such a good "regular". I also caught some guy stealing a bottle of booze, ran him down and got it back... they gave me a mickey... ahhh good times... NOT!
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Somwhere over the rainbow
Posts: 1,175
Tantricblaze, good point on the writing... I am legally trained writing long winded dispositions is part of that training. I'll make a note to do this bullet point from now on.
I also appreciated your insights, thanks.
I also appreciated your insights, thanks.
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2. . What do I hate about my addiction ... continued
I really hated the back pain ... believe it or not, I have learned from review of several medical databases that one of the leading causes of chronic back pain is alcohol consumption.
Who'd'a thought!
I really hated the back pain ... believe it or not, I have learned from review of several medical databases that one of the leading causes of chronic back pain is alcohol consumption.
Who'd'a thought!
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Maryland
Posts: 64
Originally Posted by leviathon
OR, if others wish to see my ongoing insights, post that and I will commit to updating it here.
Take care and good luck!
and going nowhere fast.
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: here, but aching to be back there.
Posts: 37
Simply listing the pros and cons of drinking is almost too easy for me. Pro: makes me feel good. Con: makes me feel bad. That's why this "inventory keeping" thing makes a good deal of sense to me. Not drinking is a little more complicated than to "just say no", and to add a really useful weapon to the fight is a great thing. I'll try to keep this in mind as often as I can. Great post! (too much black! that's too funny)
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Thank you Anguished... like the name too... I think many with addictions likely feel that way.
1.What do I enjoy about my addiction, what does it do for me (be specific)?
a. Where possible, find alternative ways of achieving the same goals.
I enjoyed being:
1. "comfortably numb" (Pink Floyd come to mind!);
2. "master of my universe"... up until I passed out!;
3. able to blame the world for all my problems instead of accepting responsibility and dealing with them
4. able to laugh my self silly, at least in the start, over really dumb things and being generally goofy
5. the warm burning sensation as my "dear old friend" trickled its way down my throat and warmed my tummy... always able to overlook the sore throat and upset tummy the next day... go figure.
6. free of any real cares once I had that first drink
7. able to blame anything stupid I did will drinking on being drunk
8. released from my generally conservative world view and being free of my inhibitions... when sober I have a very moral world view so I couldn't sleep around, be irresponsible, be selfish and self centered, etc, but boy if I drank... then anything was ok...
9. at the end, being able to say "It's not my fault, I am an alcoholic, I have a "disease", I can't help myself... AA really helped with that... not to say AA was responsible for that, but with a bit of creativity I was able to use the AA words to my own selfish advantage...
Thought for the day, how bloody stupid could I have been... the costs of the above were HUGE in terms of my spiritual, emotional, physical and financial well being. The rewards, as is evident from the above list were pretty SMALL.
Cheeriooooos all, Levi.
1.What do I enjoy about my addiction, what does it do for me (be specific)?
a. Where possible, find alternative ways of achieving the same goals.
I enjoyed being:
1. "comfortably numb" (Pink Floyd come to mind!);
2. "master of my universe"... up until I passed out!;
3. able to blame the world for all my problems instead of accepting responsibility and dealing with them
4. able to laugh my self silly, at least in the start, over really dumb things and being generally goofy
5. the warm burning sensation as my "dear old friend" trickled its way down my throat and warmed my tummy... always able to overlook the sore throat and upset tummy the next day... go figure.
6. free of any real cares once I had that first drink
7. able to blame anything stupid I did will drinking on being drunk
8. released from my generally conservative world view and being free of my inhibitions... when sober I have a very moral world view so I couldn't sleep around, be irresponsible, be selfish and self centered, etc, but boy if I drank... then anything was ok...
9. at the end, being able to say "It's not my fault, I am an alcoholic, I have a "disease", I can't help myself... AA really helped with that... not to say AA was responsible for that, but with a bit of creativity I was able to use the AA words to my own selfish advantage...
Thought for the day, how bloody stupid could I have been... the costs of the above were HUGE in terms of my spiritual, emotional, physical and financial well being. The rewards, as is evident from the above list were pretty SMALL.
Cheeriooooos all, Levi.
Michael
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: London England
Posts: 291
Leviathon,
Your 0956 post is spookily like me. It feels like you have been living inside my head and have been able to put into words things that were only feelings for me. On an earlier point you mentioned back pain. I have suffered back pain for about 25 years, centred around the lumbar region. Tests showed that I had osteophytes and that the only treatment was strong anti-inflammatories. Since I stopped drinking I have experienced a dramatic improvement in my condition. I rarely take my voltarol (diclophenac sodium) and am able to do work that a couple of years ago would have crippled me for days on end. The complication is that I had put this improvement down to weight loss. Since quitting booze in January 2005 I have lost about 56 pounds.
Whatever the true cause of this improvement I am grateful back pain can be seriously disabling.
Michael
Your 0956 post is spookily like me. It feels like you have been living inside my head and have been able to put into words things that were only feelings for me. On an earlier point you mentioned back pain. I have suffered back pain for about 25 years, centred around the lumbar region. Tests showed that I had osteophytes and that the only treatment was strong anti-inflammatories. Since I stopped drinking I have experienced a dramatic improvement in my condition. I rarely take my voltarol (diclophenac sodium) and am able to do work that a couple of years ago would have crippled me for days on end. The complication is that I had put this improvement down to weight loss. Since quitting booze in January 2005 I have lost about 56 pounds.
Whatever the true cause of this improvement I am grateful back pain can be seriously disabling.
Michael
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Michael J., the back pain relief is likely multifaceted... part no alcohol and part loss of weight. In my job I deal with people with chronic pain, for back pain one of the leadings things for relief is to stay active and to exercise the area. Facet osteophytes are difficult, it is calcification at the end of the vertabrea and results in bone on bone rubbing, but MSM (an herb) can help reduce the inflammation.
1. What do I like about my addiction ... 2. What do I hate about my addiction ... continued
1. The truly bizare behaviour of other alcoholics. ... at some points it is truly funny, in others you really see how f@#$ up they are!
For instance, went out with friends last night... they drank I didn't. The waitress, whom I know, got her sh@# in a knot at me for something that today I still cannot figure out... She is also the server at the sushi bar. One night she asked if I wanted to come to karaoke with her and some friends. I took it as a group outing, nothing more. Last night she goes off on me about how I probably assumed it was a date and that that was sOOOOOOOOOOOOO wrong... meanwhile I am just sitting with my buddies who are all looking at me like... who the f@#$ is this chick... I know she was drinking last night and was put out by some of the customers, but why she targets me I don't know... since other than to order a pop and say hi, I didn't say anything to her, I have no idea....
Point being, alcohol really does affect how we all see the world... lol.
Levi
1. What do I like about my addiction ... 2. What do I hate about my addiction ... continued
1. The truly bizare behaviour of other alcoholics. ... at some points it is truly funny, in others you really see how f@#$ up they are!
For instance, went out with friends last night... they drank I didn't. The waitress, whom I know, got her sh@# in a knot at me for something that today I still cannot figure out... She is also the server at the sushi bar. One night she asked if I wanted to come to karaoke with her and some friends. I took it as a group outing, nothing more. Last night she goes off on me about how I probably assumed it was a date and that that was sOOOOOOOOOOOOO wrong... meanwhile I am just sitting with my buddies who are all looking at me like... who the f@#$ is this chick... I know she was drinking last night and was put out by some of the customers, but why she targets me I don't know... since other than to order a pop and say hi, I didn't say anything to her, I have no idea....
Point being, alcohol really does affect how we all see the world... lol.
Levi
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Location: Somwhere over the rainbow
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2. What do I hate about my addiction ... continued
High Blood Pressure... ill health... loss of self esteem... guilt... the "what did I do last night" worries...
3. What do I think I will like about giving up my addiction?
Not being ill, no high blood pressure, feeling good about myself, no guilt b/c I remember what I did last night and the day before and the day before and so on and so on...
Levi
High Blood Pressure... ill health... loss of self esteem... guilt... the "what did I do last night" worries...
3. What do I think I will like about giving up my addiction?
Not being ill, no high blood pressure, feeling good about myself, no guilt b/c I remember what I did last night and the day before and the day before and so on and so on...
Levi
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Join Date: Mar 2006
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2. What do I hate about my addiction ... continued
Having to admit that I cannot control my addiction to alcohol. I SIMPLY CANNOT DRINK like other people... really irks me.
Having to admit that "I am an alcoholic" and "I am powerless over alcohol" if I start drinking. I have power over it so long as I DO NOT drink but once I take a drink I am screwed.
I really like a posting I saw here the other day... I am powerless over the "impulse" that enters my mind to drink unbidden, however, I have power over the thought that follows it... I will not drink!!!
Having to admit that I cannot control my addiction to alcohol. I SIMPLY CANNOT DRINK like other people... really irks me.
Having to admit that "I am an alcoholic" and "I am powerless over alcohol" if I start drinking. I have power over it so long as I DO NOT drink but once I take a drink I am screwed.
I really like a posting I saw here the other day... I am powerless over the "impulse" that enters my mind to drink unbidden, however, I have power over the thought that follows it... I will not drink!!!
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