Only friends I have drink
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: St. Louis MO
Posts: 396
Only friends I have drink
I stay home most of the time and drink alone. The only time I go out is with drinkers. Besides AA how can I find people who don't drink.
Home is my trigger to drink. I don't think I can give up my home. I live alone.
So my only nights out are with people who drink. They are so nice. They don't drink like me. Just get together every Tuesday. They have one or two and of course so do I. Then on the way home I get more.
I know if they are my real friends, they will understand. But I'll never leave th house if I stop seeing them.
Did any of you do things by yourself. Anyone nervous to be out alone. How did you handle the fear.
I'm tire of my destructive behavior. I've been doing some pretty unsafe things lately.
I've said this before and I'll say it again. The hardest thing about trying not to drink is the thoughts and excuses and justifications that enter your mind. Especially when you are alone.
I've made drinking my only way to communicate. Or Id be one of those agoraphobic people. Not sure if that is right word or spelling, but someone who doesn't leave the house.
Yesterday a friend of mine came in from out of town and we went to the grocery store. The lady checking us out said. "Good, get her out. This girl never does anything but come in here and buy beer" I was embarrassed as hell. Even the lady at the grocery store knows.
I figured out I'm really a lonely person.
Sounds pathetic I know.
Take Care all and thanks for listening.
Home is my trigger to drink. I don't think I can give up my home. I live alone.
So my only nights out are with people who drink. They are so nice. They don't drink like me. Just get together every Tuesday. They have one or two and of course so do I. Then on the way home I get more.
I know if they are my real friends, they will understand. But I'll never leave th house if I stop seeing them.
Did any of you do things by yourself. Anyone nervous to be out alone. How did you handle the fear.
I'm tire of my destructive behavior. I've been doing some pretty unsafe things lately.
I've said this before and I'll say it again. The hardest thing about trying not to drink is the thoughts and excuses and justifications that enter your mind. Especially when you are alone.
I've made drinking my only way to communicate. Or Id be one of those agoraphobic people. Not sure if that is right word or spelling, but someone who doesn't leave the house.
Yesterday a friend of mine came in from out of town and we went to the grocery store. The lady checking us out said. "Good, get her out. This girl never does anything but come in here and buy beer" I was embarrassed as hell. Even the lady at the grocery store knows.
I figured out I'm really a lonely person.
Sounds pathetic I know.
Take Care all and thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: 45th Parallel, Michigan
Posts: 816
OnceNice,
(Bet you're still nice, just don't feel that way!)
My loneliness is getting the better of me today, too: feeling edgy, depressed, kind of nauseous...but that might be due to the fact that I have to go back to work tonight, and see if my last drunk and calling in episode might've put my employers past the point of understanding, and into "firing range..." (Gulp!)
I think there are many of us lonely, solitary drinkers out there hiding in our houses; I never heard the word "isolate" used as an action before starting to read recovery websites! Luckily, I have a job that I hope to keep awhile longer, that forces me out of the house on a regular basis.
While I'm not a member or follower of AA, I've considered using the meetings as simply an excuse to meet sober people, and expand my universe a little bit; I can feel it shrinking, and find it worrisome, as you probably do.
Posting here helps, though, don't you think? It's almost like talking to people, at least! A counselor I was seeing didn't see it that way, accused me of isolating and using the web as a substitute for living my life. Maybe she's right, I don't know, since I fired her after three sessions!
Anyway, don't feel alone, even when you are; there are many of us going through the same feelings, even though we can't see each other...just know we're out here, too, if you find that helpful...
It helps me to read your stuff, that's all I know,
Arp
(Bet you're still nice, just don't feel that way!)
My loneliness is getting the better of me today, too: feeling edgy, depressed, kind of nauseous...but that might be due to the fact that I have to go back to work tonight, and see if my last drunk and calling in episode might've put my employers past the point of understanding, and into "firing range..." (Gulp!)
I think there are many of us lonely, solitary drinkers out there hiding in our houses; I never heard the word "isolate" used as an action before starting to read recovery websites! Luckily, I have a job that I hope to keep awhile longer, that forces me out of the house on a regular basis.
While I'm not a member or follower of AA, I've considered using the meetings as simply an excuse to meet sober people, and expand my universe a little bit; I can feel it shrinking, and find it worrisome, as you probably do.
Posting here helps, though, don't you think? It's almost like talking to people, at least! A counselor I was seeing didn't see it that way, accused me of isolating and using the web as a substitute for living my life. Maybe she's right, I don't know, since I fired her after three sessions!
Anyway, don't feel alone, even when you are; there are many of us going through the same feelings, even though we can't see each other...just know we're out here, too, if you find that helpful...
It helps me to read your stuff, that's all I know,
Arp
Paused
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Jamestown NY
Posts: 30
Yes if you make the meetings before the meetings and give them a chance to know you and start making the meetings after the meetings you will start finding friends. Basically stay way away from your old playground, playmates and playpen. If the main playpen was the house andyou can afford to move, well find another and start working on you from the inside using the AA principles.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 59
I don't get it. You're being advised by people on this board to abandon your friends because you can't control your own drinking. This amazes me. Your friends are NOT responsible for your alcholism, your friends do NOT have a drinking problem, and your friends do NOT deserve to be tossed aside by you.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Sobriety first.
Once I had a handle on that, I could figure out if I was choosing friends because they drank or if I was choosing friends despite the fact they drank.
First things first is a slogan for a reason.
I agree with giving up dangerous faces and places... that is a core reason Mr. Big and I were able to quit without a program - but then we relied heavily on each other and family to fill the void.
In my groups now (I go to Alanon, some AA and a great mixed group that does a tradition and step study series - LOTS of double winners), "isolation" is a biggy - I didn't realize so many of us do that.
I still tend to do that under stress... but at least with my groups, I can recognize it for what it is.
I don't have to agree with 100% of a something to get a benefit from it - it isn't ALL or NOTHING.... I feel that way about my church fellowship and about AA.
Socializing is THE main reason I ever went to school, took a dance class, took/taught aerobics, went to church or got as involved in 12-step programs. And in each of those places, I met sober people who do sober activities.
I wish you the best...
Once I had a handle on that, I could figure out if I was choosing friends because they drank or if I was choosing friends despite the fact they drank.
First things first is a slogan for a reason.
I agree with giving up dangerous faces and places... that is a core reason Mr. Big and I were able to quit without a program - but then we relied heavily on each other and family to fill the void.
In my groups now (I go to Alanon, some AA and a great mixed group that does a tradition and step study series - LOTS of double winners), "isolation" is a biggy - I didn't realize so many of us do that.
I still tend to do that under stress... but at least with my groups, I can recognize it for what it is.
I don't have to agree with 100% of a something to get a benefit from it - it isn't ALL or NOTHING.... I feel that way about my church fellowship and about AA.
Socializing is THE main reason I ever went to school, took a dance class, took/taught aerobics, went to church or got as involved in 12-step programs. And in each of those places, I met sober people who do sober activities.
I wish you the best...
NOT EVEN 1 CLUB!!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: When I find myself, I'll let you know!
Posts: 1,835
Hang in there girl!! We're here for ya!!
Early sobriety is rough. The longer you are sober (and work a program), the more choices you will have. Right now, it might be a good idea not to get together with friends that are drinking. Let them know what you are doing and why (if you want to). In a month or 2, you may feel like you can handle it without the tempation!!
That's why it's so important to work a program, IMO. I can now go and do anything I choose to do. Nothing and nobody can make me drink. I have to be spiritually fit to be in those situations. If I'm not feeling it, I don't go. It's that simple. Sobriety does come first. Without sobriety, I don't have a life, I can't make the right choices.
Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. You will have more friends then you ever thought possible.
Keep posting, work through your thoughts and feelings!! You're doing great!!
Early sobriety is rough. The longer you are sober (and work a program), the more choices you will have. Right now, it might be a good idea not to get together with friends that are drinking. Let them know what you are doing and why (if you want to). In a month or 2, you may feel like you can handle it without the tempation!!
That's why it's so important to work a program, IMO. I can now go and do anything I choose to do. Nothing and nobody can make me drink. I have to be spiritually fit to be in those situations. If I'm not feeling it, I don't go. It's that simple. Sobriety does come first. Without sobriety, I don't have a life, I can't make the right choices.
Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. You will have more friends then you ever thought possible.
Keep posting, work through your thoughts and feelings!! You're doing great!!
body ~ mind ~ spirit
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Geelong, Australia
Posts: 582
Originally Posted by Arpeggioh
Posting here helps, though, don't you think? It's almost like talking to people, at least! A counselor I was seeing didn't see it that way, accused me of isolating and using the web as a substitute for living my life. Maybe she's right, I don't know, since I fired her after three sessions!
Great to see you posting OnceNice, I remember your posts when you first came here to SR a few months ago.
I also remember thinking about my decreasing world and the lack of real friendship and companionship. I think it is the way with alcohol. It made me feel ashamed of myself and who I was. Because I felt this way I was extremely sensitive to anything anyone said to me and I hesitated to open up and tell anyone the 'real' story. In fact I didn't really tell anyone the true story. That was very, very hard, I never realised how hard at the time.
It is really scary to tell this sort of stuff to other people but until I did (little by little) I still felt like a second class (actually probably more like 10th class) citizen. That was the problem with making friends and feeling ok.
Keep trying to think of ways to change your life so that you can change the drinking. Keep trying stuff, anything, something will work for you. I tried lots of things over a long period of time, eventually something worked for me and there are heaps of people here that have found the same thing.
AA meetings, recovery movies, libraries, recovery books, new fads, pastimes, online stuff, card groups, bush walking, meditation, yoga, jogging .... whatever, whatever. Keep trying, keep posting, you will be able to do this, you can do this. We are no different to you, I personally know exactly what you are feeling right now and I bet heaps of others do too. If I have felt the way you do and I have been able to stop drinking then you can find a way too.
lots of love,
Brigid
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: St. Louis MO
Posts: 396
Thank you all. Its nice to get some positve feedback on here lately.
Its just seems so hard. I still can't get past the first step I guess of AA. Its always been my medication ya know.
Its just seems so hard. I still can't get past the first step I guess of AA. Its always been my medication ya know.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Newark,DE
Posts: 404
Hi Once,
I hope you're doing well today. I wish I could do more than tell you I understand the lonelyness thing. I have been blessed, I am not alone too much lately, but it doesnt take much. Usually, the ride home after dropping off my kids from the weekend visit, I have gotten half blasted in that 20 min ride, only to come home and finish the job.
I have been better lately, thanks mainly to things I have learned here. I have been mostly not drinking since coming here in Jan or so.
So, hang in there, and stick with us, and you will find the tools to do better.
Take Care,
S
PS, I cannot believe that counsuler, either. ANYTHING that helps should be OK by them, if their intent is to help you, not just tap your bank account.
I hope you're doing well today. I wish I could do more than tell you I understand the lonelyness thing. I have been blessed, I am not alone too much lately, but it doesnt take much. Usually, the ride home after dropping off my kids from the weekend visit, I have gotten half blasted in that 20 min ride, only to come home and finish the job.
I have been better lately, thanks mainly to things I have learned here. I have been mostly not drinking since coming here in Jan or so.
So, hang in there, and stick with us, and you will find the tools to do better.
Take Care,
S
PS, I cannot believe that counsuler, either. ANYTHING that helps should be OK by them, if their intent is to help you, not just tap your bank account.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 29
Hi OnceNice,
New friends are EVERYWHERE. I'm glad you are thinking about not isolating so much. Does your town have a "craigslist" board? You can find all kinds of groups and activities on that website.
Also, I don't think you have to ditch your current crowd, just go hang out with them without drinking. Maybe you can arrange to meet one or two of them away from a bar type atmosphere. Go shopping or to a movie.
I personally wouldn't go to AA to find friends. Been there. There isn't usually a lot of socializing outside the rooms, plus I found the constant conversation about drinking/not drinking annoying. I wanted to do other things.
If you gave up smoking, would you go sit in a room with a bunch of ex-smokers talking about your old habit? Nah.
I think it is healthier to go spend time around people who aren't/weren't addicted to anything. A wise man once told me to spend time around people who I want to emulate, so I choose friends who are smarter and better lookin' than me. (which ain't hard!)
If you spend time doing stuff that has NOTHING to do with drinking, with people who DON'T really drink, you stand a good chance of firmly establishing yourself as a non-drinker.
So, the question to ask is, "Who do I really want to be now? Who am I?"
--Scott
New friends are EVERYWHERE. I'm glad you are thinking about not isolating so much. Does your town have a "craigslist" board? You can find all kinds of groups and activities on that website.
Also, I don't think you have to ditch your current crowd, just go hang out with them without drinking. Maybe you can arrange to meet one or two of them away from a bar type atmosphere. Go shopping or to a movie.
I personally wouldn't go to AA to find friends. Been there. There isn't usually a lot of socializing outside the rooms, plus I found the constant conversation about drinking/not drinking annoying. I wanted to do other things.
If you gave up smoking, would you go sit in a room with a bunch of ex-smokers talking about your old habit? Nah.
I think it is healthier to go spend time around people who aren't/weren't addicted to anything. A wise man once told me to spend time around people who I want to emulate, so I choose friends who are smarter and better lookin' than me. (which ain't hard!)
If you spend time doing stuff that has NOTHING to do with drinking, with people who DON'T really drink, you stand a good chance of firmly establishing yourself as a non-drinker.
So, the question to ask is, "Who do I really want to be now? Who am I?"
--Scott
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Littletown, OK
Posts: 81
Rose, not everything has to be "either/or" and "black/white"...part of this process is learning to think creatively.
Who says you have to give up your friends? The problem you state is drinking. Keep the friends, toss the drinking nite. Don't know your interests but here's a few ideas:
Do a Saturday afternoon activity with one or two friends from the group. Something not associated with drinking...picnic at the zoo, rollerskating, arts festival, gardening club, ladies book club, matinee at the theatre - live performance.
Join something else that takes place on a Tuesday night.
Historic Preservation groups, neighborhood association, dance class, sewing class, art class, museum board....skydiving, scuba, tennis, rock climbing, skate boarding, yoga, tai chi...shall I continue?
What did you love to do as a kid in elementary school? Pick three things and go do that...gets you out of the house, you learn social skills (badly deteriorate when we isolate), get comfortable talking to people and meet people with whom you have common interests. They might even give you more ideas.
No need to give up your friends, feel any guilt or shame for making lifestyle choices, just expanding your world and who knows, maybe your friends would enjoy the change of pace. That drinking thing gets downright boring and you could offer alternatives to your friends. Geez, that just makes you thoughtful in my book.
Who says you have to give up your friends? The problem you state is drinking. Keep the friends, toss the drinking nite. Don't know your interests but here's a few ideas:
Do a Saturday afternoon activity with one or two friends from the group. Something not associated with drinking...picnic at the zoo, rollerskating, arts festival, gardening club, ladies book club, matinee at the theatre - live performance.
Join something else that takes place on a Tuesday night.
Historic Preservation groups, neighborhood association, dance class, sewing class, art class, museum board....skydiving, scuba, tennis, rock climbing, skate boarding, yoga, tai chi...shall I continue?
What did you love to do as a kid in elementary school? Pick three things and go do that...gets you out of the house, you learn social skills (badly deteriorate when we isolate), get comfortable talking to people and meet people with whom you have common interests. They might even give you more ideas.
No need to give up your friends, feel any guilt or shame for making lifestyle choices, just expanding your world and who knows, maybe your friends would enjoy the change of pace. That drinking thing gets downright boring and you could offer alternatives to your friends. Geez, that just makes you thoughtful in my book.
Michael
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: London England
Posts: 291
Oncenice,
When I stopped drinking I made the deliberate decision to maintain contact with friends that I drank with. I was not prepared to lose their friendship simply because I am unable to control my drinking. I enjoy their company and their stories and my life would be poorer without that contact.
I go to pubs and bars and restaurants and I drink water with bubbles, diet coke, coffee and just about anything except alcohol. At first there were the inevitable questions but now nobody asks because my not drinking is not an issue. I buy them a beer, they buy me a coke, we all have a laugh and a joke and do a major amount of gossiping.
Some people worry that if they are in close contact with alcohol they will suffer terrible temptation. I figure that alcohol is all around us all the time together with endless advertising. That presence doesn't make me drink because I am content in my decision not to drink. If alcohol is within one mile or one yard, what's the difference? The essential point is that you go and meet your friends and enjoy their company. You make the decision not to drink in their company and you stand or fall on the committment to that decision.
I once got a postcard from a very good friend that read..."Your friends are God's way of saying sorry for your relatives". Stick with your friends they will be a positive force for good in your search for sobriety.
All the best
Michael
When I stopped drinking I made the deliberate decision to maintain contact with friends that I drank with. I was not prepared to lose their friendship simply because I am unable to control my drinking. I enjoy their company and their stories and my life would be poorer without that contact.
I go to pubs and bars and restaurants and I drink water with bubbles, diet coke, coffee and just about anything except alcohol. At first there were the inevitable questions but now nobody asks because my not drinking is not an issue. I buy them a beer, they buy me a coke, we all have a laugh and a joke and do a major amount of gossiping.
Some people worry that if they are in close contact with alcohol they will suffer terrible temptation. I figure that alcohol is all around us all the time together with endless advertising. That presence doesn't make me drink because I am content in my decision not to drink. If alcohol is within one mile or one yard, what's the difference? The essential point is that you go and meet your friends and enjoy their company. You make the decision not to drink in their company and you stand or fall on the committment to that decision.
I once got a postcard from a very good friend that read..."Your friends are God's way of saying sorry for your relatives". Stick with your friends they will be a positive force for good in your search for sobriety.
All the best
Michael
NOT EVEN 1 CLUB!!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: When I find myself, I'll let you know!
Posts: 1,835
Originally Posted by OnceNice
Its always been my medication ya know.
I was wrong!!
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