jdgualazzi

...when I told him a post that someone gave me to suggest to him to go to AlAnon because it sounded like he was running around in circles and trying to control my drinking. This is why I get so frustrated


"its so easy for you to lie to them just like me. I've been through this ****
enough. Tell the message board that you take alcohol out of the fridge and
don't remember drinking it. Tell them how you go to the gas station and buy a
large fountain drink just so you can dump it out and put beer in it. Tell them
this **** you think you're getting away with and see what they say. Sure I can
sound like an out of control psycho but I'm not going to let you lie about this
to everyone and put that label on me. I've been to alanon and alateen and
that's because my parents admitted they had a problem and wanted help with it.
You don't go to these programs unless someone is trying to overcome a drinking
problem and you refuse to admit you have one. Most people won't admit it until
they crash big time. Sorry I just don't want to be around to see that happen to
soomeone I love."

best

Two things...
Why are you so worried about him going to Al Anon?
Your focus should be on "your" recovery.
As for the reason he would go to Al Anon... that is for him, not you.
His recovery that would be needed because of your drinking and how your drinking can pull him into the chaos.

Sugasnaps

It sounds like he's in a lot of pain. You did a good thing in suggesting he find some support so don't feel guilty about that. You can't make him get support nor can you control his resentments. All you can do is work on yourself and keep your intentions on a path that will honor you, your vision for a better future, and a sober clear head. You can't control what he thinks or says. You can control what you believe and say.

Hold true to yourself and keep faith in yourself because you are worth it.

Actions speak louder than words and I hope that as you continue to walk the walk that he will see it and respond encouragingly.

**{hugs}} I'm sorry it is rough.

Suga

jdgualazzi

No, what happened is, he doesn't really know that I'm on here, I told him about it last year and he was proud of me for seeking help/advice. But since then we really haven't talked about my posts. I have another post on here "Drinking at work" and on 04-06-2006, 12:05 PM #8

Justme57
Community Greeter

posted "As for your husbands reaction, he is probably at loss to know what to do for the best. Alanon would be very good for him I think, he sounds as if heis running round in circles , trying to control YOUR drinking."

Well in one of my daily emails I copied this and said that this is what was suggested on the message board and he flew off the handle and sent me the email that I originally posted on this post.

One of my biggest issues is that he is not supportive. Nothing is good enough for him. If I go a day without drinking, he says "It's only a day, you need to do much more, go much longer, to build my trust back up in you" things like that. So when i am proud for accomplishing something and tell him, he stomps me into the ground and squeezes every bit out of me. I was posting his reaction on this site so people could see how he reacts and maybe give me a bit of advice on how to handle that in a more productive manner...?

best

Do it for YOU

You are trying to please him yes?
Wanna know something...
You are worth being pleased. What? Me? No way. Yes way.
Even though my stopping helped my family, it was the best thing I could do for "me" as well.
Look at it from this point of view.

Your not drinking will help you. A sober you will help them by default.
When you do it for you, they get the benefits anyway.
You are worth it.
My actions told others things that my many words could never tell them.
Sober, my life has improved so much. Others see the new me and that is a gain for me as well as them.

You are worth it. Do it for you.

fraankie

yeah, focus on yourself

rose petals

hi jdgualazzi
im laura --alkie--my hubbie doesnt go to aa--i am blessed--he is very sweet and supportive he never congradulated me on a day or two--but he never said anything negative--he loves me deeply and it sounds like your hubbie does to--now that im staying sober i know hubbie is thrilled and im so glad--im thrilled to--BELIEVE ME--the alternative is truly horrifying--is hubbie still codependant? yeah--lol--but he likes who he is and how he is and were great--not all people want to go to alanaon--just our experience
Laura

rose petals

regarding above post


i meant he doesnt go to alanon

NoMoBeer

I'm Ken -- Powerless over alcohol.

I'm Ken -- Powerless over other people, places and things.

My wife has never been to AA, Al Anon or the like. Never asked me how it feels to be sober, etc. Zero support.

This month I'll be sober a year and a half.... One day at a time.

Do it for you.

Ken

earlybird

Alanon is for family members and loved ones of the alcoholic and to be used to help them get THEIR lives back on track. It has nothing to do with whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. Or if they wont admit it or not. The biggest problem with both AA and Alanon sometimes is that some people who are attending one of them, thinks their attendance is contingent on the others attendance. They become engulfed on whether or not the other is attending meetings. So much so that they lose sight of whats going on right under their own noses in their own lives. Dont let that happen. You both should be going to your own respective meetings. Dont worry about what the other is doing. Take care of you. Both of you.

Peter

Do YOU go to AA?

If I were hubby and you made that kind of suggestion to me about going to Alanon when personally you have never been to a meeting, I would probably have a thing or two to say about it too.

Online support is wonderful but your husband may be more impressed if he sees you making a few meetings.

fritolay

I think it would be a good idea for your husband to go to alanon--not necessarily for him, but for you. I also think you secretly want him to go because you want to stop drinking. Maybe if he gets some help, you will too? I hope you do stop drinking, however it is you have to go about it.

earlybird

Unfortunately this is untrue. Going to AA or Alanon doesnt do anyone any good unless they are going for themselves . So him going against his will JUST for you......is more likely to built resentment on his part rather than do you any good. Concentrate on YOU. Stop drinking. That is the only thing that will do you any good. And you know it.

Peter

He has to want to for himself frit.