OnceNice

I thought was too support people. Give advices and listen. I get so confused on here sometimes.

There are so many good things said. So much good advice but sometimes I just can't understand how people who have become sober can be so incensitive when it comes to those who are not quite there yet.

Did you forget. I thought people like me and a few others on here who are not where you are right now were suppose to help you all to remember where you were and that you would not want to return. That is why you want to help people like me who aren't quite there yet. Isn't that a step or something.

All of you who have become sober I think is wonderful. All of you who have gone through this I"m sure have had your share of sorrows, mistakes, losses and times of self pity and loathing. I'm sure some made sobriety through tough love, kindness, rehab, family and mostly just deciding it was time. But I'd almost bet at one time during the beginning you didn't care much for the "get off your pity pot" remarks. Especially in the beginning. The worst time ever. Drinking and knowing you have to stop. Its insanity time but also a time of realization and darn hard. And I want your advice, opinions, life experiences, but I don't want to be judged or condemmed. Afterall weren't you there once

I guess the word sympathy seekers has come up way too many times on some of these threads here, including to me. Just Quit. Leave the pity party. Blah blah blah.

I came here looking for the energy so I would be able to approach real live people for help and maybe some empathy so I would not feel so alone. I would have thought people like myself and a few others on here that are feeling pretty low were looking for that. Not Sympathy.


I certainly don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, but Ithought you out of all people could put yourself in my place or some others on here.


I don't even know why I'm writing this. I guess I just don't get the road to recovery at all. Too many different ways to do it and it is reminding me of school. You either fit in the crowd, or not. I've seen threads were people say they are drinking and people will be so kind to them. Then a different person says they are drinking and bam. toughlove time from the exact person who was so kind to the other guy. My very first thread I ever did I got slammed with that pity party stuff. So its doesn't have to do with the length of time you've been on here.

I guess this was a stupid thread. But I don't care. Just wanted to get that off my chest.

I hope everyone has a great day. Its really pretty here in the midwest.

equus

I don't really have any right to reply to this - I just think your courage to say it rocks!!

I sometimes find it hard to understand how other people feel so it matters so much to hear it straight from them.

I'm sure contemplation and preparation are well known stages of change - I think you're far from alone. I'm in exactly the same place with ciggies and it drives me up the pole!

best of luck to you!!

doorknob

Hi OneNice,

Yeah, I remember the "cross" incident. It would have been really funny if said in a joking way. I pretty much keep my trials, struggles, frustrations and failures to myself these days for some of the reasons you mention. I also get weary of the "God" suggestions too, but that's another thread. Anyway, we'll get there. Between you and me, today is day 5.

DK

OnceNice

Cool Doorknob Congrats on your day 5. I want to try day one today Yesterday I found Out I don't have cancer so I feel like I might have a little luck coming my way

Equus - thanks for tell me I have courage. That's the kind of support I need here. Positive feed back for low self-esteem. And you didn't even have to hand me a Kleenex or tell me my neighbor needs the wood more than I so climb down damm@t

doorknob

Thank you! Congrat's on a clean bill of health. And, go for it!

Sugasnaps

**{hugs Oncenice}}

There will always be people who will get on your nerves. I found a good mantra is simply... "What you think of me is none of my business."

Simple statement... hard to hold in your heart. Especially when you do care so much what others think/feel about you and your actions.

I love that no matter what you keep coming back and you keep trying dispite the demons that taunt you in your head and life.

You are who you are. Right now you are someone who is trying to find the way to a better life. That is a goodness inside of you. Other people's words cannot take that away from you unless you give power to others words. The power is inside of you.

I'm so glad to hear you don't have cancer! Hang in there.

Suga

gypsyrose

I've come to your post straight from a thread that litterally brought tears to my eyes because of the wonderful support that was being offered there. I'm sorry you are not feeling supported right now. There are a lot of wonderful people here but we are all stuggling with our own issues and are just doing the best we can. I hope that you keep coming back and take what works for you and leave the rest. Also, if you read a lot of the older posts you can learn a lot.

OnceNice

I please don't get me wrong. Its not that I don't feel supported. Oh I don't know. Its j
I just was reading a thread from some guy on here having a really hard time and I thinks he's been on here for along time and I know others know him more than me, and there responses were hard. Maybe he deserves that maybe he dont. It just confusing me. I don't understand what works anymore.

I'm more confused than anything.
I just feel like I"m not going to ever get and if I don't I'm gonna get slammed and basically told I'm using people on here. But I am. I am using all of you to listen and maybe even care.

Oh well, sorry. It was kind of a stupid thread to start. I was just kinda hoping that some of you sober kids remember. Remember that this is the hardest part. The part where you know you have to stop but don't. Thinking and drinking the saddest thing of all.

rose petals

hey once nice
im laura--alkie--funny i was just thinking about that this morning--i think people--especially with many many years do forget--they dont mean to--and some people with many yrs dont forget--when i decided to try a hand at sobriety--i was so far gone i was UNABLE to follow many suggestions--i was terrified, sick mentally ill--alcohol had soaked me to where iwas freaking out--if someone had been mean to me i would run crying like a little girl--i think people forget that that is how it is--i havenet forgotten--take care
Laura

OnceNice

Thanks Rose Petals.
There are two other threads on here about people who are currently drinking. One thread is getting the outmost support the other tough love and words that sound hard to me. I just don't know. I'm just really confused today.

rose petals

is that homer and trish?

OnceNice

Yeah.

rose petals

i dont know the whole story with the homer thing--al i know is i would not approach him that way no matter how long hes been relapsing--maybe it does work for some tough love--obviously i dont have all the answers--if people would have approached me that way i would be dead because of my state of mind at the time--i always think love and support are better than the alternative but that is just my point of view--i dont know what draws people to their point of view cause im not in their shoes--take care once nice--keep postin
Laura

doorknob

I think people feel that one is trying harder than the other, taking more positive steps, etc. Tough love seems to be reserved for those don't follow suggestions and question things too much; people who aren't easily assimilated.

fraankie

some really good rsvp's

Peter

I too was a recipient of the controversial "tough love".

As a newcomer I was given love, encouragement and support.....the "tough love" treatment only began when after weeks of "repeating the same mistakes expecting different results" I was told in no uncertain terms exactly what I was doing wrong.

The "tough love" became even tougher when in retaliation I started to attack peoples suggestions and became personal.

Strangely enough, it was the "tough lovers" that got my attention.

I still remember one man telling me: "Perhaps you need to stop complaining so much and work some Steps.."

Oh how I hated him......

I meet people everyday in recovery who can be encouraging and supportive when I have a problem and firm and direct when I need it.

I meet people everyday on this forum who in an earnest attempt to spread the good news about recovery overcompensate for the loss of direct contact with their choice of words and the resulting tone which causes some members to feel offended.

I have on occasion spent hours composing elaborate replies to threads and been ignored in favor of members with a more direct approach.Which is why many of my posts contain words like "you", "we" "us".

This place constantly intrigues me with the differing personalities and conflicting methods of some of our members. Actually I think SR would be a far less interesting place without this kind of diversity .

One of my main shortcomings was an overlysensitive nature,I took everything personally.If you challenged what I believed then I felt you did not like me.

Just because I do not agree with what you do doesn't mean I dislike you.

I pray SR never becomes a grey lifeless place where everyone has a predictable response.

daddysgirl29

EXCELLENT reply, Peter. My hats off to you..

OnceNice

Peter I don't want that either. I would never want everything to be the same, that would be dull. I'm just trying to figure out how one knows to be tough on one and soft on the other. Time. I don't believe that is true since I got slammed on my very first post. In know way was this about people saying only nice things to each other. I'm just trying to figure out why one person is chosen to be treated a different way than the other.

I'm trying to decide if I should stay. Yes, I'm overlysenstivie usually for others. I guess I should just mind my own business.

michaelj

Oncenice,
I am one of the "tough love" exponents that your post refers to and I am not about to apologise for that or rationalise it. I wrote the way I did because all the thoughtfulness and caring and empathy that had been expended had had no effect whatsoever. I was, and remain, convinced that the subject of the contentious post had paid only lip service to sobriety. He had been given all the sympathy in the world and that had not worked. I figured that perhaps what he needed to hear was a far more frank assessment of where he was and why he was staying there. He had had no end of caring and sympathetic replies to his thread and that gave me cause for concern that those people's care and affection were being traduced by a degree of attention-seeking.
In my own experience both giving and receiving honest frank forthright appraisals are uncomfortable situations but usually more effective than the sugar coated pill.
If I upset you with comments directed at the individual behaviour of another then there is nothing I can do about that. All I will say is that I care deeply about the attempts by other contributors to this site to gain sobriety. I feel personal loss when one of our number falls at any stage of the fight against alcohol. I have suffered my fair share of defeats on the road to my present state of sobriety and I could have done with good, solid, frank and forthright advice in those dreadfully painful times.
Michael

Peter

Unfortunately (if my memory serves me correctly) you were targeted by a Troll when you first got here.Said troll is no longer among us.

Personally I reserve "tough love" for people I know.