An Al Anon needs straight talk from all you A's, please
Southern through and through
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
An Al Anon needs straight talk from all you A's, please
Can someone help me understand this disease?
I guess ANYTHING is possible, but let me ask this.
Is it possible, or I guess I should say 'likely', for a reguarly attending AA member, like my daughter, to attend meetings nearly every day and lie about if she had a slip? If she can do that, I'm just sick about it.
And here's some background. She's been through out patient treatment and she seemed to respond to it very well. She does have a sponsor but I don't think she really talks to the sponsor very much. And I don't DARE ASK about the contact with the sponsor because I'll get told, "Mama, you just work you're program and I'll work mine."
I'd appreciate any information you could give me.
Thanks,
Hangin' In
I guess ANYTHING is possible, but let me ask this.
Is it possible, or I guess I should say 'likely', for a reguarly attending AA member, like my daughter, to attend meetings nearly every day and lie about if she had a slip? If she can do that, I'm just sick about it.
And here's some background. She's been through out patient treatment and she seemed to respond to it very well. She does have a sponsor but I don't think she really talks to the sponsor very much. And I don't DARE ASK about the contact with the sponsor because I'll get told, "Mama, you just work you're program and I'll work mine."
I'd appreciate any information you could give me.
Thanks,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: St Louis, MO
Posts: 189
Just My Opinion
Hey Hangin In,
I just happened to see this as I was leaving SR...thought I better give a quick answer.
Before alcoholism started an obvious progression in my own life, I was married to an A who would go to meetings, and lie about using.
Since i have become an A and attend meetings regularly, I could not use and lie about it.
The difference, I believe, is the devotion to working the steps, and the commitment to face your problems.
If your daughter is devoted, she won't be able to lie. Either way, there is nothing you can do or say to change her commitment but to work your own program.
Stay Well.
Anne
I just happened to see this as I was leaving SR...thought I better give a quick answer.
Before alcoholism started an obvious progression in my own life, I was married to an A who would go to meetings, and lie about using.
Since i have become an A and attend meetings regularly, I could not use and lie about it.
The difference, I believe, is the devotion to working the steps, and the commitment to face your problems.
If your daughter is devoted, she won't be able to lie. Either way, there is nothing you can do or say to change her commitment but to work your own program.
Stay Well.
Anne
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Dreaming Summer
Posts: 821
It is possible to go to meetings and still have trouble getting honest....especially early on.However,as long as she is attending meetings there is hope.We didn't get sick overnight,and recovery takes time.Sometimes people seem to take one step forward and two steps back.Try to keep the lines of communication open,and let her know that it is ok to be honest.Take care of yourself too.
phoenix
phoenix
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
Hey Hangin'in,
One good thing is that AA ruins your drinking. Everyone says that. It's too hard to keep attending meetings because it's centered so much around honesty. If she is using you'll find out soon enough because she'll either stop going or get honest and sober up again. That's the pattern. I've seen many do it but a lot really don't stick around meetings too long if they're using. In the beginning it's because of shame but after a while, you don't care. AA also ruins your drinking even when you're not going to meetings because you can't stop thinking about the recovery you left, ehat you could have. I mean your so much more aware of the disease and that there is a different way. Before AA I really didn't think what I was doing was that bad and I really didn't think there was any other way to live or at least I wasn't willing to see it.
One good thing is that AA ruins your drinking. Everyone says that. It's too hard to keep attending meetings because it's centered so much around honesty. If she is using you'll find out soon enough because she'll either stop going or get honest and sober up again. That's the pattern. I've seen many do it but a lot really don't stick around meetings too long if they're using. In the beginning it's because of shame but after a while, you don't care. AA also ruins your drinking even when you're not going to meetings because you can't stop thinking about the recovery you left, ehat you could have. I mean your so much more aware of the disease and that there is a different way. Before AA I really didn't think what I was doing was that bad and I really didn't think there was any other way to live or at least I wasn't willing to see it.
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Hi Hangin in.
I can appreciate your concern for your daughter,but the issue seems to be a very sensitive one between the two of you right now.
It may probably be best for you to just drop it.
I say this because I know I took great offence to anyone interfering in my own recovery.
Honesty with myself and with others did not come overnight.
I kept going to meetings and eventually I learned that if I did not start practising some honesty I would be signing my own death warrant.
The most important thing right now is that she is still going to meetings and still has a sponsor.
Take care of yourself and keep going to your meetings.
Peter
I can appreciate your concern for your daughter,but the issue seems to be a very sensitive one between the two of you right now.
It may probably be best for you to just drop it.
I say this because I know I took great offence to anyone interfering in my own recovery.
Honesty with myself and with others did not come overnight.
I kept going to meetings and eventually I learned that if I did not start practising some honesty I would be signing my own death warrant.
The most important thing right now is that she is still going to meetings and still has a sponsor.
Take care of yourself and keep going to your meetings.
Peter
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Riverside, Ca.
Posts: 388
Hangin' In
Yes it is possible to go to meetings and have a slip. actually it happens a lot, most people dont get the program the first time around, if she did drink, the main thing is that she is still going to meetings, as long as she is alcoholic, and going to A.A. there is hope.
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has THOROUGHLY followed our path.
Keep Coming Back
Jay Walker
Yes it is possible to go to meetings and have a slip. actually it happens a lot, most people dont get the program the first time around, if she did drink, the main thing is that she is still going to meetings, as long as she is alcoholic, and going to A.A. there is hope.
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has THOROUGHLY followed our path.
Keep Coming Back
Jay Walker
Last edited by The Jay Walker; 02-02-2003 at 09:32 PM.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Boston
Posts: 710
Hi ((((((((Hangin))))))))))
Oh yes, it is very possible to go to AA meetings and continue to be the same person we brought through those doors of AA..... same behavior, same thinking, same actions....this is what happens when we do not work the program in our own life.... without the 12 Steps we continue to do the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
Now here is something to really think about
It is also possible for an Alanon member to continue to go to Alanon meetings and continue to be the same person we brought through those doors of Alanon.....with the same behavior, same thinking, and same actions.... this is what happens when we do not work the program in our own life.... without the 12 Steps we continue to do the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
Without practicing the 12 Steps in our own life.... we will continue to do what we have always done, and we will continue to get what we have always gotten....... whether we are the alcoholic or the alanon
God Bless you (((((((((Hangin)))))))))))
Suggestion? Keep the focus on the only thing that you can do anything about.... YOU and your program
Now thats straight talk from a drunk who has been where you at and can honestly share this with you..... it just doesn't work any other way
Love
Patsy
Oh yes, it is very possible to go to AA meetings and continue to be the same person we brought through those doors of AA..... same behavior, same thinking, same actions....this is what happens when we do not work the program in our own life.... without the 12 Steps we continue to do the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
Now here is something to really think about
It is also possible for an Alanon member to continue to go to Alanon meetings and continue to be the same person we brought through those doors of Alanon.....with the same behavior, same thinking, and same actions.... this is what happens when we do not work the program in our own life.... without the 12 Steps we continue to do the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
Without practicing the 12 Steps in our own life.... we will continue to do what we have always done, and we will continue to get what we have always gotten....... whether we are the alcoholic or the alanon
God Bless you (((((((((Hangin)))))))))))
Suggestion? Keep the focus on the only thing that you can do anything about.... YOU and your program
Now thats straight talk from a drunk who has been where you at and can honestly share this with you..... it just doesn't work any other way
Love
Patsy
Last edited by Patsyd1; 02-04-2003 at 10:17 AM.
☆ entity
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Whoville
Posts: 31
Yup.... been there done that...but so long as she keeps trying thats all you can really hope for. I did the exact same thing ...went to meetings ....kept using ....lied about it.
it was only a matter of time before I realized
I wasn't fooling anyone....including myself.
Hang tough mamma....it'll work itself out.
myah* **
it was only a matter of time before I realized
I wasn't fooling anyone....including myself.
Hang tough mamma....it'll work itself out.
myah* **
Southern through and through
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Just wanted to thank you guys for your responses. Walking this road as a parent of an A just isn't easy and I can't help but just be the 'mama' at times. So go ahead.....SUE ME or show me where I can resign!
Honestly, I ask these type questions so I can learn. I don't want to work her program. Good grief, I DON'T WANT TO WORK HER PROGRAM! I have enough on me just trying to work my own!
So a day at a time, a day at a time, right?
Honestly, I ask these type questions so I can learn. I don't want to work her program. Good grief, I DON'T WANT TO WORK HER PROGRAM! I have enough on me just trying to work my own!
So a day at a time, a day at a time, right?
Southern through and through
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Just wanted to thank you guys for your response. Walking this road as a parent of an A just isn't easy and I can't help but just be the 'mama' at times. So go ahead.....SUE ME or show me where I resign!
Honestly, I ask these type questions so I can learn. I don't want to work her program. Good grief, I DON'T WANT TO WORK HER PROGRAM! I have enough on me just trying to work my own!
So a day at a time, a day at a time, right?
Honestly, I ask these type questions so I can learn. I don't want to work her program. Good grief, I DON'T WANT TO WORK HER PROGRAM! I have enough on me just trying to work my own!
So a day at a time, a day at a time, right?
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Hi Hangin In.
My recovery is an ongoing process of learning........I am constantly experiencing things like......hope.....pain.....joy......enlightenment ......making mistakes......growth.....dejection....moving on and a lot of other things.....They are all part of the process and I learn from every single solitary person and experience in my life.....I am walking the road of recovery and I am happy that we can take that walk together.
Peter.
My recovery is an ongoing process of learning........I am constantly experiencing things like......hope.....pain.....joy......enlightenment ......making mistakes......growth.....dejection....moving on and a lot of other things.....They are all part of the process and I learn from every single solitary person and experience in my life.....I am walking the road of recovery and I am happy that we can take that walk together.
Peter.
Southern through and through
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Love sharing GOOD news
Thanks, Peter, and to all of you for your help and insight. And you stay on that recovery road, Peter. Do not pass go, do not collect $200 and for heaven's sake, do not go to jail!!!
Just stay on the straight and narrow or the recovery road. It'll get you to the right place every time.
And let me share this. The other day my daughter came home from her college classes for that day. She was to give a speech in her speech class about her life. And guess what she shared? She shared that she was 92 days sober and proud of it. She said she cried.
How proud I am of her! Surely she must be working her program if she can get up in front of a class of college freshmen and sophomores and tell of her addiction and recovery. I'm sure that wouldn't be thought of as the 'cool' thing to do if you polled a group of college students. What a brave young lady I have!
Just wanted to share some good news as we all like to hear success stories, or maybe I should say people working their way to success or keeping up the successes as they travel their road of recovery.
Just stay on the straight and narrow or the recovery road. It'll get you to the right place every time.And let me share this. The other day my daughter came home from her college classes for that day. She was to give a speech in her speech class about her life. And guess what she shared? She shared that she was 92 days sober and proud of it. She said she cried.
How proud I am of her! Surely she must be working her program if she can get up in front of a class of college freshmen and sophomores and tell of her addiction and recovery. I'm sure that wouldn't be thought of as the 'cool' thing to do if you polled a group of college students. What a brave young lady I have!
Just wanted to share some good news as we all like to hear success stories, or maybe I should say people working their way to success or keeping up the successes as they travel their road of recovery.
Paused
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Norwich, NY
Posts: 1
straight talk from an A
Hey, Hangin IN-
I'm a young woman who is working on recovery from alcoholism. And I know that if your daughter is not serious about her recovery she could just be going through the motions of a program. Is she going for herself? Is she trying to make other people happy by going to AA? Unless she is ready to change-it won't happen. But take heart, you never know what will strike her to her senses. Some people hit a bottom that seems mild and are thankfully helped onto the road of recovery before something extreme happens. Others don't get it until the extreme does happen. For me it was the risk of losing my husband...but even after he brought me to rehab I still denied I had a problem. After a few days there, though, I realized I was not so different from the rest of the addicts there. I had the same feelings, I drank to numb them out, I got the same reactions to my drinking etc.
Denial is very very strong. Don't lose hope, but remember you can't maintain HER sobriety...that is up to her.
I'd love to talk more if you want to...
JC22
I'm a young woman who is working on recovery from alcoholism. And I know that if your daughter is not serious about her recovery she could just be going through the motions of a program. Is she going for herself? Is she trying to make other people happy by going to AA? Unless she is ready to change-it won't happen. But take heart, you never know what will strike her to her senses. Some people hit a bottom that seems mild and are thankfully helped onto the road of recovery before something extreme happens. Others don't get it until the extreme does happen. For me it was the risk of losing my husband...but even after he brought me to rehab I still denied I had a problem. After a few days there, though, I realized I was not so different from the rest of the addicts there. I had the same feelings, I drank to numb them out, I got the same reactions to my drinking etc.
Denial is very very strong. Don't lose hope, but remember you can't maintain HER sobriety...that is up to her.
I'd love to talk more if you want to...
JC22
Paused
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Ottawa, Ontario
Posts: 15
Hi Hangin'in.
I agree with everyone else but also wanted to add that if you bring the body, the mind will eventually follow. Also if a drinking alcoholic is not welcomed at an AA meeting, then no longer will that be an AA meeting, but simply a group of people who forgot where they came from.
I'm a mother too and I can certainly feel and appreciate your concern. Trust that God will take care of her, he's sure taking good care of me.
Keep coming back!
I agree with everyone else but also wanted to add that if you bring the body, the mind will eventually follow. Also if a drinking alcoholic is not welcomed at an AA meeting, then no longer will that be an AA meeting, but simply a group of people who forgot where they came from.
I'm a mother too and I can certainly feel and appreciate your concern. Trust that God will take care of her, he's sure taking good care of me.
Keep coming back!
Paused
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Melbourne, Victoria
Posts: 9
My mum used to go to AA meetings with me because I was too shy/afraid to go by myself. When people asked me how long I had been sober, I would tell them three months. The truth was I didn't even have 24 hours of sobriety. I couldn't be honest with them because I didn't want my mum to know that I was still drinking. I felt terrible for lying to these people and eventually stopped wasting everyone's time by going to the meetings.
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