Would like the A's view on enabling..pwease! ( a tad long)
I would be leaving him at his Mom'sMember
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Livonia, MI
Posts: 675
Originally Posted by TheMissus
So as not to go over old ground...my post on a specific form of enabling and what I've dealt with in the past is here -http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-73086.html (post #9)
Basically, my BF drinks alot (morning till night) and hardly eats. I used to make him food in the hope that he'd eat, but alot of the time he would ask me to because he was either too drunk or couldn't be bothered getting up off his arse to make something himself.
He's gone to stay with him mum for a while because I needed a break. He phoned me the night before last and during our conversation he mentioned that he had told his mum about my "not enabling" techniques, i.e. I will no longer buy alcohol for him, drink with him or cook for him because he is too drunk/lazy to do it himself.
He doesn't agree with any of it, especially the cooking thing, he said as he's "not able" to feed himself I should "help" him so that he doesn't get ill.
It's my belief from reading here and other places that, if I don't allow him to suffer the consequences of his own actions then he will never find the want or the will to get better.
Anyway, he lived with his mum up until he moved in with me (over two years ago), he's 34 yrs old, she still did all his washing for him, bought him alcohol, lent him money, would get up at 2am to cook for him when he asked her to...
In my view, she's doing him no favours. She's a lovely, lovely woman and I love her to bits but she has no concept or understanding of enabling and the harm it does.
So now he goes and tells her about me refusing to cook for him etc..and she agrees with him, I should be helping him because he won't help himself and if I don't he'll get ill.
Apparently they both don't see it as enabling, I'm helping him, making sure he has some food in his system so that he won't feel even worse the next day and drink more.
I think he was pleased she agreed with him, and started on about how I shouldn't read too much into what people say here and if I asked an alcoholic he's sure they would disagree with the friends and family board (where I normally reside, lol)
Am at aloss, and I was quite angry. I thought I was getting through to him about it, I'd copied some posts on enabling into Word docs for him to read.
And now his mum, who has always babied and enabled him agrees with his way of thinking.
So I'm asking for the A's view, he said I won't get anyone agreeing with me...I'm hoping someone will understand what I'm trying to achieve.
Thanks
Basically, my BF drinks alot (morning till night) and hardly eats. I used to make him food in the hope that he'd eat, but alot of the time he would ask me to because he was either too drunk or couldn't be bothered getting up off his arse to make something himself.
He's gone to stay with him mum for a while because I needed a break. He phoned me the night before last and during our conversation he mentioned that he had told his mum about my "not enabling" techniques, i.e. I will no longer buy alcohol for him, drink with him or cook for him because he is too drunk/lazy to do it himself.
He doesn't agree with any of it, especially the cooking thing, he said as he's "not able" to feed himself I should "help" him so that he doesn't get ill.
It's my belief from reading here and other places that, if I don't allow him to suffer the consequences of his own actions then he will never find the want or the will to get better.
Anyway, he lived with his mum up until he moved in with me (over two years ago), he's 34 yrs old, she still did all his washing for him, bought him alcohol, lent him money, would get up at 2am to cook for him when he asked her to...
In my view, she's doing him no favours. She's a lovely, lovely woman and I love her to bits but she has no concept or understanding of enabling and the harm it does.
So now he goes and tells her about me refusing to cook for him etc..and she agrees with him, I should be helping him because he won't help himself and if I don't he'll get ill.
Apparently they both don't see it as enabling, I'm helping him, making sure he has some food in his system so that he won't feel even worse the next day and drink more.
I think he was pleased she agreed with him, and started on about how I shouldn't read too much into what people say here and if I asked an alcoholic he's sure they would disagree with the friends and family board (where I normally reside, lol)
Am at aloss, and I was quite angry. I thought I was getting through to him about it, I'd copied some posts on enabling into Word docs for him to read.
And now his mum, who has always babied and enabled him agrees with his way of thinking.
So I'm asking for the A's view, he said I won't get anyone agreeing with me...I'm hoping someone will understand what I'm trying to achieve.
Thanks
Shes doing much of the "heavy lifting" in the job of killing him.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
I think you've got the picture and I hope you'll remain strong. Don't second guess it. If he was an IV heroin user would you help him stick the needle in his arm? Same difference. Your doing the right thing. I hope you'll move on cause there is no fixing someone who is just not ready or wanting to be fixed. Yup mum should keep him.
This too shall pass.....
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Fayetteville, North Carolina
Posts: 9
Missus I keep getting the impression that you want someone to put thier arms around you and tell you everything is going to be ok. Well they won't be not if you don't see what you are doing.
You say you love him. I know you do and its ok to love him. Love is never a bad thing it is a good thing. But because we are human we sometimes go to far with our emotions and don't get a handle on them.
Alcoholism is a deadly disease I know you know this. The more you enable him by doing everything for him while he sits around your house EXPECTING you to do it so that he can kill himself the closer he gets to death every time. I read previous to this post that someone explained to you that as long as he isnt there you are not doing his share they were right.
Ask yourself this question....."How much do I love him? Do I love him to death? Or do I love him enough to want what is best for him?"
If you want to love him to death keep enabling or if you love him enough to not be selfish and want whats best for him then give him one more reason to get better......get on with your life.
You say you love him. I know you do and its ok to love him. Love is never a bad thing it is a good thing. But because we are human we sometimes go to far with our emotions and don't get a handle on them.
Alcoholism is a deadly disease I know you know this. The more you enable him by doing everything for him while he sits around your house EXPECTING you to do it so that he can kill himself the closer he gets to death every time. I read previous to this post that someone explained to you that as long as he isnt there you are not doing his share they were right.
Ask yourself this question....."How much do I love him? Do I love him to death? Or do I love him enough to want what is best for him?"
If you want to love him to death keep enabling or if you love him enough to not be selfish and want whats best for him then give him one more reason to get better......get on with your life.
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