When you were drinking...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
You get to a state of ignorant is Blizzz.
And when i was numb and whacked out of my mind.
i didn't mind a lot of things and wanted to feel anymore.
It just depends how far you go down.
And to cut through the BS..........
Ultimately living got in my way of being whacked out of my mind.
Living stuff like , relationships, love, freindship, bills, a job.
And the honest truth is....I nevered wanted to stop.
Grace
As a recovery alki myself and having gone thur that.
I myself is still having a hard time accepting that someone I love very much
is taken over by the disease and I'm powerless.
The heart aches and pain is unbearable for spouse of alki/addicts
I've had one of those ahha moment today....after all of the chaos
all these years. If it took the love of God to save me. Surely only
the love of god would save her. Until I see or recognize the light
in her or her eyes....I'm dealing with the dis-ease.
The disease is incapiable of loving me.
So , I've giving up , I surrender, the disease beat me again.
I will stop figthing it. I will let go, I will no longer struggle with it.
I will no longer deal with it. It is piontless.
Beliving me... i do not lack will power. So I'm tunring my will over.
I've never stopped loving her and I still havn't.
I pray God's grace for her
And when i was numb and whacked out of my mind.
i didn't mind a lot of things and wanted to feel anymore.
It just depends how far you go down.
And to cut through the BS..........
Ultimately living got in my way of being whacked out of my mind.
Living stuff like , relationships, love, freindship, bills, a job.
And the honest truth is....I nevered wanted to stop.
Grace
As a recovery alki myself and having gone thur that.
I myself is still having a hard time accepting that someone I love very much
is taken over by the disease and I'm powerless.
The heart aches and pain is unbearable for spouse of alki/addicts
I've had one of those ahha moment today....after all of the chaos
all these years. If it took the love of God to save me. Surely only
the love of god would save her. Until I see or recognize the light
in her or her eyes....I'm dealing with the dis-ease.
The disease is incapiable of loving me.
So , I've giving up , I surrender, the disease beat me again.
I will stop figthing it. I will let go, I will no longer struggle with it.
I will no longer deal with it. It is piontless.
Beliving me... i do not lack will power. So I'm tunring my will over.
I've never stopped loving her and I still havn't.
I pray God's grace for her
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
My progression was different from at least one other sibling, so I was able to avoid most of the family heat while still dishing out a little of it myself.
I felt shame about what I did, and how I drank. I feared their judgement if they ever really "found out" about me. And I found others who I believed to be more shameful than me to make me feel better.
God. I hated to type that.
It isn't true today, and I hope I am making living amends... to others and myself.
I felt shame about what I did, and how I drank. I feared their judgement if they ever really "found out" about me. And I found others who I believed to be more shameful than me to make me feel better.
God. I hated to type that.
It isn't true today, and I hope I am making living amends... to others and myself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Life Is Short
Posts: 2,017
Yep pushed everyone away too.
Why? Discusted with myself, shame, guilt, so sick you seem to need to hide. I've said this before.....it's like a wounded animal they hide don't they when they are sick? Sad thing about this is us humans can hide a long time, years for that matter and the longer it continues the harder it is to get back with loved one's. It's not intentional and it hurts damn bad, you end up so alone, not to mention hurting loved one's.
It's a real sad sickness is what it is, it just keeps taking and taking and taking.
Take care.
Why? Discusted with myself, shame, guilt, so sick you seem to need to hide. I've said this before.....it's like a wounded animal they hide don't they when they are sick? Sad thing about this is us humans can hide a long time, years for that matter and the longer it continues the harder it is to get back with loved one's. It's not intentional and it hurts damn bad, you end up so alone, not to mention hurting loved one's.
It's a real sad sickness is what it is, it just keeps taking and taking and taking.
Take care.
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