jdgualazzi

Hi all, I'm not here for myself, I'm here for my best friend. She is married to (possibly) an alcoholic. She tells me stories that remind me so much of myself and how i used to be that all I can do is tell her about it from the "drinker's perspective" I've given her suggestions about how my husband made changes, but I don't know if she's going to take them. I thought I would open up the book for everyone to think and talk to her. They went to high school together, but just got married this year (30th bday year). She is petite, 5'2" I think maybe 130-140 pounds he's taller, like 5'9 or 10" and much much bigger (Big enough that he won't wear shorts or go anywhere warm or humid ever) He's a stockbroker and pretty much the money maker in the family. She's working on her masters degree, so not working and taking care of her three kids (from previous guys) and one kid (from him) I don't think she's AFRAID of him per se, but I think he doesn't take her seriously and therefore won't listen to any reasoning from her. They came out to Vegas for Valentine's Day and we spent Friday and Saturday night together and he must have drank 2 bottles of wine and 10 mixed drinks. My husband told me that everytime she and I went to the bathroom, he would run to the bar without her knowing. So he had even more than we saw. He gets very catty and brash when drinking (comparing our boob sizes, saying how beautiful other girls were, etc--most things a wife wouldn't really want to hear) She says she doesn't mind him drinking a couple of drinks, but he'll drink more than half a bottle of vodka in a night and she never sees him do it.
ANy suggestions?
Thanks!
Jenni in Vegas

jlo34

Try Al-Anon. They learn how to deal with alcoholics and take care of themselves.
Jen

jdgualazzi

Thanks Jen, she said she thought about it, but is too busy with her four kids and thesis. She makes a lot of excuses for him and she is the kind to put up with a LOT without saying anything.

She's going to counseling (by herself, he won't go) and the therapist suggested the same thing.

ANy other ideas?

laurie6781

Tell her to get a copy of Co-dependent No More, its available at Amazon.com to make it easy to get. and to read it over and over and over.

Other than that, might I suggest you stay out of it. She will go to Alanon and do what she needs to do for herself, when she is ready and not one moment sooner.

I had a similiar friend who approached me when I was about 9 years sober. I gave her the info about Alanon and suggested Therapy. It took her another 9 years before she finally said I can no longer live like this. She started Alanon and continued to go and went to therapy. Today her life is pretty good. There was not a dang thing I could do for her. She had to do it for herself.

JMHO

Love and (((((to all))))),

jdgualazzi

Thanks Laurie! THat's good info--I sent your post to her. I think I may get that book for myself, it may help me in my own tryst with myself too.
Have a great weekend!
Jenni

Music

MYOB!! If his drinking doesn't bother her, it shouldn't bother you.

jdgualazzi

Hey Music,
I would mind my own business, except she keeps asking me about it since I am and have gone through a lot of the same things he is, and she's not a drinker at all so she has said she doesn't really know what to expect or how to react. I am a very quiet persn and usually leave people to their own devices. I never butt in unless asked. I'm sorry if I set you off in the wrong direction, but I thought maybe the forum could give her (and me) a little better unbiased and objective advice.
Thanks though,
Jenni

jdgualazzi

PS, his drinking is ruining their new marriage and she is trying to find a way to salvage it. It bothers her to the max and she doesn't know how to deal with it.

fraankie

this may seem a little far-fetched
but
she may be playing you
not in a bad way, intentionally
only that she won't confront him about the drinking
so she calls you to validate her own issue with it
if the ol' scrap should hit the so called fan
he is going to blame you for breaking up the marriage
because sooner or later
it will be
"jdq said this'
"jdq said that"
then sooner, even if you didn't say it
"jdq... says i should divorce you"

either way,
...It took her another 9 years before she finally said I can no longer live like this.......
like Laurie6781, who's friend took 9 years
you are in for the long haul
unless you stop now
and
politely tell her
i gave you all the info i could
let's not talk about it


best
fraankie

jdgualazzi

Wow, that really hit home, thanks Frankie. I will take that to heart. My husband almost lost his best friend because he tried to advise him on his marriage (nothing about drinking, just not a supportive wife) and his friend got so angry at him they didn't talk for almost 2 years. I've tried to keep out of people's business, unless they ask, and I never looked at it from your perspective, which makes complete sense, being used as a scape goat...

That's why I love this forum, I get the opinions and thoughts that I would never think of.

fraankie

thanks for your positive rsvp
i am usually supportive
but
reality bites


best
fraankie