Innerchild

Hello, I have been here once before. I have an anxiety disorder and PTSD. I never touched alcohol before 2002 because I grew up around it. After, things started to go downhill in my life I started going out with friends and realized that alcohol stops me from thinking so much.

I started off drinking like 5 cocktails a night in 2002 but I could not handle it I could not stand the hangover or throwing up after. I then started to get really angry and started lashing out at people drinking liqour.

I stopped drinking liqour and went to drinking a 40 ounce of beer a night or sometimes a six pack because I felt so alone. When my panic attacks returned (not from the drinking) I started having a few drinks to kill the anxiety.

I don't drink to get drunk. No one would notice I had anything to drink. I drink because I feel like after two or three beers I can do anything without the fear of having a panic attack. Or sometimes I feel so alone that I just drink to stop me from feeling. Howvever, it does make me more depressed and makes me either want to hurt myself or push people away.

I am terrified of becoming an alcoholic. My therapist said I am not one but I am on the road to becoming one if I do not stop. I have never drank to the point of which I pass out or anything. I just like to have a few beers everyday. Actually, I feel very guilty doing it and I hate it. But, after a few beers the anxiety completely goes away and I like that feeling of being free but I am not because I am depending on something to mask my initial problems.

I am just realy scared.

Justme57

Hi there Inner child

nice to meet you . it is not for me , or anyone else to say wether you are an alcoholic or not, but your drinking is obviously causing you to worry , and that is not a good thing .

i was like you , I started to drink to "stop me feeling" during the course of an abusive alcoholic marriage. I was 21 when I sr\tarted, and had never drunk before that. i found that it stopped me 'feeling".
That was in the begining, but alcoholism is a progressive disease, and soon i was usung it to cope with my anxiety , in all parts of my life. i had left the marriage , but still used alcohol to " stop me worrying"
There came a time when it took more booze to stop me worrying, and I coped with all my problems , by drinking. I was suffering anxiety and panic attacks, and the booze helped those too...................

Fast forward 30 odd years, and i was still drinking, it had progressed and i was drinking alone, and was so lonely , I was depressed, and drank more ...............and so it went .

I now have 2 1/2 years sobriety with AA, and am only now , at 59 getting to know "me".

i am glad you are searching for answers now, rather than letting it progress as i did . You dont have to do this alone . I used to think I drank 'cos I was anxious and depressed, but , for me , the depression left when I had about 3 months sober

keep posting

HUGX
Lee

best

With the understanding you have, I see no reason to be scared.

You say you don't worry when drinking, I say you can do the same when not drinking. Can be a matter of accepting what can be, rather then worrying about what might be.
Look about. Read the sticky posts at the top of the boards (say sticky beside them) Post on the mental health thread as well if you like. There are some great people here that can give support for the PTSD and anxiety. Your not alone.

AndrewBeen

Hey IC:

Sounds like you are self-medicating. Have you been given any medication to deal with anxiety? You may need something, but booze ain't it. I know many folks here believe that all medication for anxiety is bad, but I am not one of them. Have you seen a psychiatrist or other MD?

bikewench

Hey Innerchild...

using to numb...
yeah...
that's what we do...

We not only are addicted to the substance... but.. we have an underlying thing pushing at us as well...

There is a forum on this board for PTSD and the mental health aspect ....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...health-issues/

and this is a program for dooolies..

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-84026.html

Glad your here... a warm welcome to SR...
the one stop shop for whatever ails one.. ;o)

Cap3

and welcome,
Bottles were only a sybol,to underlying issues,as you know.I had a living problem.I believed the lie that i was telling myself.I made myself believe that i just,,couldnt live life on lifes terms,without that false bravo that booze,seemed to give me.thing is that eventually,the, booze,was no longer working for me, in my life.It was working against me.Its a pogressive disease,alcoholism,it only get worse.Until i learn a new way to live,sober.I found recovery in both AA and Al-anon.And through these recovery programs,i thew away that false belief that i could not live life on lifes terms without booze.Getting to the root and causes of my issues.Today,im living,a, much richer,productive,effective life today.Sober.Fear,face everyhing and recover.You are no longer all alone.

OnceNice

Hi InnerChild. I too only drink beer and drink it to calm myself down. Only I've been doing for many many years. I can't speak for you, but for me its starting to be a major problem. Financial and frankly, it makes me even more depressed than I already am. I too get lonely and drink to forget. But I know I have a problem I just have to work at it. I hang around here alot. Everyone is very nice.

BSPGirl

Hey InnerChild, keep in mind alcohol is a depressant so it's not that great for your mental health. Welcome here, talk to us, we don't bite.

garsh

Hi- I too suffered in the past from panic attacks. Scary as hell aren't they? Are you being treated for it? There are prescription drugs that will help immensly, and it's much better than drinking. I hope you'll look into it.

Sugah

Although I truly believe I would have become alcoholic regardless of when I picked up, I remember discovering at a very early age that alcohol had the amazing effect of making me not care about all those uncomfortable feelings. If I drank enough and passed out, there were no nightmares. I wasn't afraid of anyone. I could say what was on my mind. And, when bad things continued happening to me drunk as well as sober, it made the very real physical pain hurt less. I just didn't care.

I deal with PTSD as well. My sobriety and my chosen method of seeking sobriety (AA) has helped me immeasurably in dealing with the symptoms of PTSD. I've been on medications galore, and none of them has helped me as much as the spiritual aspect of my recovery. Whether or not you are a "real" alcoholic yet is something only you can decide. Others can give you input, but the final assessment comes from your own heart. I know a lot of people who've found freedom and joy in living a program, whether or not they fit the profile of a "real" alcoholic.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

wren

Hello IC--

pardon my ignorance, but what is PTSD?

the rest of your post resonates with me. I've never felt like I had an addictive personality, I just started to drink to try to deal with anxiety and social phobia. here I am 5 years later in a bad place.
it was a long time before it caused problems. first 2 beers a day, then 3, then 6, then more.... now those beers seem to follow me wherever I go...

I think it is right to be scared. I also had a therapist several years ago who told me that I need to "nip this in the bud" (alcohol use) before it becomes a major problem. I wish I had done that.

wren

findingout

Hey there innerchild. I suffered from terrible anxiety/panic attacks for years and used alcohol to keep them at bay. At the end, it got so I would not leave the house unless I had alcohol in me for fear that I would have a panic attack. But for me, there was a lot more involved. For instance, I refused to seek any kind of professional help for the anxiety because I knew they would tell me I was an alcoholic and that I would have to stop drinking. That was just plain insanity on my part.

When I finally was forced into treatment for the alcoholism, it was suggested that I try Paxil for the panic attacks. It worked for me but I also suspect that not drinking continuously had a lot to do with it in my case. I also believe that everything I've done to treat my alcoholism since l stopped looking for answers in all the wrong places has helped with the panic attacks as well. I haven't had a panic attack in 3+ years and I've been in situations and done things that I never would have considered doing back when I was using alcohol as my solution. Today, I think using alcohol to treat panic attacks is like cutting off your arm because you broke your finger. Sure it works, but sooner or later you are going to bleed to death. There is treatment available for panic/anxiety disorder, please check it out because you are worth it.

One Love, One Heart,
Tony

Sugah

PTSD is short for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It gained media attention primarily as a disorder seen in war veterans, but it can occur as a result of any traumatic experience or conditioned living situation, such as abuse, car accident, or even witnessing a traumatic event. There's a message board here that deals with PTSD ("Anxiety Disorders") if you're looking for more information.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

jmhs002

Welcome - hope you stick around.
JMHS

BDDIII

Hi. This is my first time in this forum. I have been wrestling with alcoholism for almost 20 years now, and been in and out of meetings during that time. My drinking has escalated to the point that I also am scared...very scared. I drank last night to the point of blackout, and had to leave work today because of my condition. I am miserable, depressed, and in need of help. Fortunately I have a loving wife and 2 wonderful kids that support and love me regardless, which helped to motivate me to come here. I desparately want this cycle of behavior to stop, but I fear it will end just like every other attempt I have made in the past. I am shaking and physically ill. I know I am an alcoholic, and I know of the powerlessness they speak of in the steps, which I sometimes use as an excuse for drinking. I don't want to die, and I don't want to lose everything. Any input would be appreciated. Thank you for your time.

Sugah

Hi, BDDIII,

Glad you're here. I felt the same fear you're talking about. You speak of the steps...have you tried meetings? I tried for fifteen years to get sober. It wasn't until I committed myself to a program of recovery (AA for me) that I was able to get and stay sober.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

BDDIII

I've been to meeting in the past, but have found them to be somewhat depressing. I was put into treatment in 1990 based on AA and have been in and out every since. I guess I haven't found them to be effective...I know working the steps is part of the deal, but it seems somewhat overwhelming. I don't mean to whine, and I know there's no "quick fix" to help me deal with it. I'm just looking for some direction.

Sally

I too have anxiety attacks, I decided against medication, and eventually they went away. I think what made them go away was i realized the fear of actually having an anxiety attack was causing me great anxiety.
when I learned no to fear them, to calm myself my thought process, they are only thoughts fears ext. That seemed to help and they soon disapated. I haven't had one in a few years now. I too have alcohol addiction in my life and have alway's feared becoming addicted or dependant on any medication. I have a rule for my self, and that is, Never Use Anything to SELF MEDICATE......I mean if your taking a subtance to avoid or escape a problem or feeling.....that's not a good way to go....that is where addiction begins in my opinion. I have been in many support groups and for the most part.....from what I've observed addiction seems to root from a need to escape, avoid...something.....block out.. When we feel like we need to escape we do need something.....our bodies and our minds need something but it's not in a bottle or a jar.
hope you find your way.

regards sally

Sugah

How about starting your own thread, BDDIII, so that others can join in and offer suggestions? That way, InnerChild's thread doesn't get hijacked, and you both can get the support that you need. I'll be happy to talk with you more there. If you need help starting a thread, just ask, and we'll help you.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

BDDIII

I'm sorry. I'm not familiar with the process here. I will repost this in my own thread.

THX