garsh

A guy friend of mine is having a party this weekend. I was not invited. I found out through another friend who is invited - she didn't realize I hadn't been invited. The friend who is having the party knows I quit drinking and I'm wondering if this is why he didn't invite me. Believe me, I have not been on a soap box about it at all. In fact, I've been very careful not to talk too much about it because I don't want my drinking friends to think I'm preaching or judging them at all.

I know everyone is going to say "if they don't want you at a party because you don't drink they aren't your friend". Right, I realize that. But it still hurts. And there will be a lot of people at that party I'd love to see. I'm feeling very sorry for myself right now.

Music

Good opportunity to check out an AA meeting. Plenty of potential friends there.

garsh

Thanks, but AA is not for me. I've gone to meetings and it's just not the way for me. I'm just feeling sad because it hurts being left out. I'll just enjoy my little pity party I guess.

michaelj

Maybe your friend didn't want t put you under pressure to drink. There could be a number of reasons you weren't invited. Why don't you ring up and ask? It won't be an easy thing to do but it will stop you wondering what is going on.
The hardest part of sobriety is the decision to quit and you have already made that huge step forward, don't let something like this hazard your continuing sobriety.
Michael

laurie6781

Did you ever stop to think Garsh that maybe this friend was concerned for you knowing you are not drinking and didn't want to put you in a situation of GREAT TEMPTATION.

If AA is not for you check out the other recovery resources. Sitting on the Pity Pot is not being "in" recover. It's standing still.

Have you looked at SMART or LIFE RING, and I know there are others.

Love and hugs,

Slowbriety

is knowing why you werent invited gonna change the fact that you werent invited?

ASH

Hi Garsh,
Sorry your feeling down.
The most important thing is to not drink over our hurts and frustrations.

For a fact you dont know why you were not invited and may never know why you were not inivited. Even if you ask your friend he may give you a polite but less than truthful response. Might be good to just let go of it since you dont have any control over it anyway.
Also, it seems in the overal scheme of things a full on party may be difficult right at this time so in some ways not being invited is a good thing. Focus on the positive.
If you friends are mostly or all about drinking than the fact is the more you move towards sobriety the more you will make friends with more similar interests.
If your friends have other intrests than partying than maybe it would be good for you to take a leadership role to arrange get togethers around some of those non drinking activities?

Again, in any event, dont drink over it.
That will just mess everything up and cloud the situation further.
Take care

Pick-a-name

I am sorry. The same thing has happened to me with "friends" of AH and even some of his relatives......they are uncomfortable around me because I asked AH to deal with his drinking before he could retunn to our home. (He was having rages and threatening to become physical, and scared our teenage children...I can not allow that.) Some of these people now make a big deal that I don't like or know how to have fun, etc...to the point where AH defended MY stand! (Said I don't have a problem with anyone drinking, as long as the drinking was not causing any problems...which is true).

Long-time friends are now shunning me and encouraging AH to leave me. I have never said a word to any of them, kept them from drinking (evenAH!) nor do I really care one way or another if they do or do not drink. But they feel uncomfortable like I am looking-down on them........sad.

I'm sorry about this happening to you. It is disappointing to find out what is the top priority to some people you assumed where your friends.


p.s. I like the idea about calling to find out. Perhaps the person truly does want to be helpful but does not know how to go about talking about it,etc. Either way, you will have some answers and perhaps a new support person. Won't know until you ask.

otter

If I may add a bit of constructive criticism as a fresh set of eyes on SR:

First let me say, I love it here, I’m a daily visitor and the community helps me get through each day of my new found sobriety a little bit easier. I plan on being around for a long time and contributing as much as I can to help myself and others.<o:p>
</o:p>
With that said, why in many cases is AA pushed on every problem from not getting invited to a party or having a bad day to the catch all solution for anything that ails a poster?<o:p>
</o:p>
It begins to take on a cultish “[eerie echoed voice] Join Us [/eerie echoed voice]” kind of feel.<o:p>
</o:p>
I won’t bring it up again but did want to mention the matter.

<o:p> </o:p>
Hey Garsh,<o:p>
</o:p>
I would approach him/her after the party and ask as to why you didn’t get invited. If I were in your shoes and it was someone in the friends circle it would bother me as well.<o:p>
</o:p>
Something tells me you’re more likely to get a no-nonsense answer after the fact making it easier to confront the situation and avoid any re-occurances in the future.<o:p>
</o:p>
Crashing is always an option too.

Flying Dutchman

yeah just show up with a big grin

Cindi R

OK it's a cult...
NA/AA taught me how to live life clean & sober. Those people who were there had been through the initial stages of being drug & alcohol free and provided a support group for me to meet new sober friends.
I didn't belong with my old friends anymore...our interests were not the same any longer.
As an addict/alcoholic you surround yourself with people who are like you...in order to feel "normal"...in recovery, you're no longer a part of that "normal" crowd....you are a threat to everyone's "good time".
Your really "good" friends will support you and encourage you to remain sober...they will plan on spending time with you when they have not been drinking/using.
Those other friends will try to sabotage your sobriety by trying to get you to join them once again...
AA/NA people will teach you how to live life on life's terms...how to have a good time in recovery while remaining clean & sober...
Now...if at anytime, anyone tells you that you "must" drink the koolaid...RUN!

garsh

Otter- I appreciate your comments about AA being offered as a solution to just about everything. I know it has helped so many people and I'm thrilled for them, but it just isn't for me. I've only been on this board for 38 sober days (yay!!) and AA has been suggested dozens of times. It's ok, though. I understand that for people for whom it works, they are just trying to help. But....other advice is more useful to me.

As an update, I called my friend and apologized for putting him on the spot, but asked why he didn't invite me. He said it didn't occur to him because it's a Nascar party and he only invited guys and girls who would be into that (I'm more into pedicures, thank you very much). I confessed to him I thought it might be because I stopped drinking to which he lovingly told me I'm paranoid :-) I guess maybe I am.

otter

The AA comment was made with good intententions. It's like going shopping with someone else; somtimes things are a little clearer through other peoples eyes.

Don't feel bad, like I said, it would have been bugged me too. I think we're still getting used to the mind not being numb along with the time to think too much.

CarolD

Gee Garsh...I am pleased to see you got this situation resolved.

And..

I suggest we all stay in focus and not go round and round
on who suggests what.

2dayzmuse

These are reasons why people drink. AA is offered as a solution to not drink. Take it or leave it. It is a matter of choice. However, if you get to the point where quitting on your own isn't working, AA will be there for you. I've been that route and I'm thankful for the solution. I may mention that AA wasn't for me either in the beginning. Then I relapsed and I was ready to get and stay sober and that was where I turned.

With all due respect, new in sobriety and going to a party do not make for a good combination. It is probably a good thing you weren't invited. It would be to tempting.

aasharon90

We live and learm from each other here in Sober Recovery. Glad u shared with us. Take what u want from here and leave the rest. Stay Strong.

Peter

Of course it hurts Garsh. And whether this friend of yours did not invite you because they thought they might be protecting your sobriety is small consolation.Your recovery is your own responsibility and no one likes thier freedom to choose taken away from them.

Perhaps he has another reason why he did not invite you. The only way you will know for sure is to call him and ask him. Just keep in mind that your friend is also free to decide for himself who he wants to invite.

Just because someone did not invite you to their party doesn't mean they don't like you.

Peter

Hi otter welcome to the forums.

As a regular visitor you may have perhaps noticed that Music has been a member of AA for many years.

I too am a member of AA and when I share my strength and hope I can only share on what I have experienced.

However my views are just the opinions of one man and it can either be accepted or rejected. It does not mean I am being cultish.

Music

Well, for what it's worth. It took me a while to come to the realization that in the overall scheme of things, drinking or not drinking, I'm just not the most important person in other people's lives!!! Some folks just tolerated me when I was drinking because drinking was all we had in common. When I stopped drinking, I was out. Not to mention that on most occasions, just pour one drink in me and I was an instant a$$hole. Oh.....tell me it isn't true.....?

Music

[QUOTE=otter] With that said, why in many cases is AA pushed on every problem from not getting invited to a party or having a bad day to the catch all solution for anything that ails a poster?<o:p>
</o:p>
It begins to take on a cultish “[eerie echoed voice] Join Us [/eerie echoed voice]” kind of feel.<o:p>[QUOTE]

Hi Otter and welcome to SR. So, using your logic, if you mentioned to me that you had a cold, and I asked you if you'd been to a doctor yet, would that constitue being pushy, and doctors being a bunch of cult leaders?? Just wondering!!!