Fell Off
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Reno, NV
Posts: 34
Fell Off
Tuesday night, I had dinner with my ex-girlfriend. Things didn't go as I had hoped. I had been sober for ever 10 days. That night, I decided to die. I wrote a total of 10 notes. To all of those that I knew and loved in my life. i had 2 drinks that evening.
The next morning, I decided that the way that I wanted to die was an OD. At 8:15 that morning, I left my house with the intent to fill an Ambien prescription that I had been carrying around for a week. The first pharmacy was closed until 9am, so I went across the street to another one - for whatever reason, the manager had called in late. I was without a full subscription. I cried my entire way home (about 10 minutes), and when I got home I lost it.
I should have called into work, but I didn't. I took the 6-8 (can't remember how many) Ambien that I had in my possesion - chased with 16oz. of vodka. Since the breakup, my mother and I had never been closer. We had spoken or emailed at least every couple of hours. I hadn't spoken with her that morning, so she got worried and came over to my house around 12pm. I was unconcious and had stopped breathing. Luckily, I hadn't locked the front door (as I usualy do).
My HP (as I now belive Him to be) spoke to her that morning, and did not fail me. 15 minutes later, the EMT's were at my home and saved my life. I awoke several hours later in the ER. Pissed, because I had not taken enough pills. At the time, I blew in excess of .20, as fall as I am told. Everyone who I love was there, and took turns in my room with me. My ex-girlfriend layed in the hospital bed with me for several hours. It was comforting beyond belief, but she left abrutptly thereafter. I have not seen her since - and it hurts beyond belief. We have had minimal communication since. I was finally realesed into the custody of my parents approx. 12 hours later, after my blood read .07. Finally legally sober, they were allowed to take me home - to their house.
I spent the next 2 days there - in absolute boredown, and sobriety. I spent 2 nights in my old bedroon, bathroom, and kitchen. It hurt, the guilt was hard. I wanted desperately to talk to my ex-girlfriend, Hollie. But she won't have anything to do with me - can't blame her. I have caused her too much pain, and she needs to move on from me right now. I stareted a program the next day. To deal with my derpession and- anxiety. I miss her with all of my heart - more than anything. But I will get on, and life will be ok.
So here I am - getting sober - alone. But with my parents' support, without Hollie. But I will get on.
Thank you for listening,
Josh (sober as ever).
The next morning, I decided that the way that I wanted to die was an OD. At 8:15 that morning, I left my house with the intent to fill an Ambien prescription that I had been carrying around for a week. The first pharmacy was closed until 9am, so I went across the street to another one - for whatever reason, the manager had called in late. I was without a full subscription. I cried my entire way home (about 10 minutes), and when I got home I lost it.
I should have called into work, but I didn't. I took the 6-8 (can't remember how many) Ambien that I had in my possesion - chased with 16oz. of vodka. Since the breakup, my mother and I had never been closer. We had spoken or emailed at least every couple of hours. I hadn't spoken with her that morning, so she got worried and came over to my house around 12pm. I was unconcious and had stopped breathing. Luckily, I hadn't locked the front door (as I usualy do).
My HP (as I now belive Him to be) spoke to her that morning, and did not fail me. 15 minutes later, the EMT's were at my home and saved my life. I awoke several hours later in the ER. Pissed, because I had not taken enough pills. At the time, I blew in excess of .20, as fall as I am told. Everyone who I love was there, and took turns in my room with me. My ex-girlfriend layed in the hospital bed with me for several hours. It was comforting beyond belief, but she left abrutptly thereafter. I have not seen her since - and it hurts beyond belief. We have had minimal communication since. I was finally realesed into the custody of my parents approx. 12 hours later, after my blood read .07. Finally legally sober, they were allowed to take me home - to their house.
I spent the next 2 days there - in absolute boredown, and sobriety. I spent 2 nights in my old bedroon, bathroom, and kitchen. It hurt, the guilt was hard. I wanted desperately to talk to my ex-girlfriend, Hollie. But she won't have anything to do with me - can't blame her. I have caused her too much pain, and she needs to move on from me right now. I stareted a program the next day. To deal with my derpession and- anxiety. I miss her with all of my heart - more than anything. But I will get on, and life will be ok.
So here I am - getting sober - alone. But with my parents' support, without Hollie. But I will get on.
Thank you for listening,
Josh (sober as ever).
Not the center of the Universe
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Orchard Lake, Michigan
Posts: 974
Josh,
So glad to hear that you are still with us and you will get on and life will be ok.
You know, it sounds to me like your higher power was trying to speak directly to you but you were not listening. This reminds me of a story. When I was still in treatment, there was a woman in my early recovery group who was in a troubled relationship and one night she and this partner had a fight. She left the house, determined to drink and willing to give up 60 days sober to do it. When she got to the first liquor store, they would not accept her debit card. So she left and drove three miles to an automatic teller machine. The ATM was not working (how often does that happen these days), so she drove another five miles to a second party store where they did accept her debit card, bought her drug of no choice, and got drunk. She woke up the next evening, realized that once again the drinking had changed nothing and came back to our group the next day and told us all.
I suppose you could tally the first liquor store not taking debit cards and the broken ATM up to coincidence. Or you could say that her higher power was giving her several more chances and an additional 30 minutes to reconsider her choice to use. I think that if you have a higher power working in your life, there are no coincidences.
One Love, One Heart,
Tony
So glad to hear that you are still with us and you will get on and life will be ok.
The next morning, I decided that the way that I wanted to die was an OD. At 8:15 that morning, I left my house with the intent to fill an Ambien prescription that I had been carrying around for a week. The first pharmacy was closed until 9am, so I went across the street to another one - for whatever reason, the manager had called in late.
I suppose you could tally the first liquor store not taking debit cards and the broken ATM up to coincidence. Or you could say that her higher power was giving her several more chances and an additional 30 minutes to reconsider her choice to use. I think that if you have a higher power working in your life, there are no coincidences.
One Love, One Heart,
Tony
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Reno, NV
Posts: 34
Update
Staying clean and busy.
The program that I was directed to is lousy. I can honestly say that from a clear perspective. Very negative, very paperwork and water-color painting oriented. Great for some, but not for me. They just want to keep taking blood samples and adjusting my medications. My first suspicion came at the "asessment" - they weren't even halfway interested in me until they found out I had great insurance. In 30 seconds flat, they went from turning me away to having me sign my life away and wanting to keep me full time for a month!
But I am putting up with it for now. Only 4 days left. On a better note, I have attended AA meetings 3 days in a row. I can tell you that I take more away from an hour of AA than 6 full hours of "professional" help. Just got home from another one, and I haven't felt this good in a long time. I can honestly say that my suicide attempt could have been prevented by attending one simple meeting. I could have avioded this whole mess. But it was a learning experience.
You all take care of yourselves, and I will keep checking back.
Josh
The program that I was directed to is lousy. I can honestly say that from a clear perspective. Very negative, very paperwork and water-color painting oriented. Great for some, but not for me. They just want to keep taking blood samples and adjusting my medications. My first suspicion came at the "asessment" - they weren't even halfway interested in me until they found out I had great insurance. In 30 seconds flat, they went from turning me away to having me sign my life away and wanting to keep me full time for a month!
But I am putting up with it for now. Only 4 days left. On a better note, I have attended AA meetings 3 days in a row. I can tell you that I take more away from an hour of AA than 6 full hours of "professional" help. Just got home from another one, and I haven't felt this good in a long time. I can honestly say that my suicide attempt could have been prevented by attending one simple meeting. I could have avioded this whole mess. But it was a learning experience.
You all take care of yourselves, and I will keep checking back.
Josh
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
(((Josh)))
That's just wonderful! Keep with the AA it works wonders. I am so happy that you are here with us, alive and well and sober. You are OBVIOUSLY worth it, I hope you know that now...and that there is a plan for you.
Try and get hold of an AA big book if you don't have one already...ask someone to show you where 'the promises' are. Read them - they come true.
In fact, here they are!
The AA Promises
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not.
They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
They will always materialize if we work for them.
Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous p83-84
Know you are worth it, and keep coming back!
Cathy31
x
That's just wonderful! Keep with the AA it works wonders. I am so happy that you are here with us, alive and well and sober. You are OBVIOUSLY worth it, I hope you know that now...and that there is a plan for you.
Try and get hold of an AA big book if you don't have one already...ask someone to show you where 'the promises' are. Read them - they come true.
In fact, here they are!
The AA Promises
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not.
They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
They will always materialize if we work for them.
Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous p83-84
Know you are worth it, and keep coming back!
Cathy31
x
stillbitter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Camdenton, MO
Posts: 15
You are turning a sad story into one of victory! I know what you mean about AA, I've been to a few in the last couple of weeks, and feel a sense of being "clean" after walking out of one. On the drive home, everything seems a bit clearer, and am learning to work a program I know nothing about. Got a Big Book at the last meeting, seems like every story seems to relate to the demons I've been feeding for years. We don't have to live like that anymore! It is a true miracle we're alive and sober! God kept you around for a reason-he'll show you the way if you let him. Still hoping my wife comes back to me, but stewing about it and trying to control anything in life is futile. Trying to leave it to God. Try to do the same, hurting yourself over any woman won't help anything. Take care-
Chris
Chris
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Reno, NV
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by stillbitter
... and feel a sense of being "clean" after walking out of one. On the drive home, everything seems a bit clearer, and am learning to work a program I know nothing about. Got a Big Book at the last meeting, seems like every story seems to relate to the demons I've been feeding for years. We don't have to live like that anymore! It is a true miracle we're alive and sober! God kept you around for a reason-he'll show you the way if you let him. Still hoping my wife comes back to me, but stewing about it and trying to control anything in life is futile. Trying to leave it to God. Try to do the same, hurting yourself over any woman won't help anything. Take care-
Chris
Chris
I hope everything works out for you and your wife. I'm fairly certain that my relationship is over, and I'm ok with that. I've got alot of work to do on myself.
Thank you all again.
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