OnceNice

Haven't been on here since last friday, feb. 3. Got all cocky I guess with 3 days sober, even responded on some threads. I don't do that often.

Well, went right home and drank my entire weekend and then I was off yesterday and drank Tuesday night and all day Wed.

What the h#ll is wrong with me. How come some people can do this and I can't.

I guess I' just don't try hard enough (and please don't highlight that and respond back to me. I don't feel like tough criticism today. (sorry if that was too bold))

Its just that when I get home by myself. I don't know what to do with myself. Cleaning and organizing makes me sick. Everything makes me sick. I just want to forget everything.

I just can't stand to be with others and I can't stand to be by myself so I just get loaded. My self-esteem and self confidence is just shot to Sh#t

I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm doing. Just babbling and I guess confessing to you all I flubbed up. I just can't stand being in my own skin.
Please did any of you feel this way at all? Did any of you have a hard time stopping cause you just couldn't stand seeing yourself, sober or drunk. Did any of you have no one to turn to. Did any of you feel like you just didn't fit in at the meetings. Sometimes I don't think I fit in here, But I figure we are all alcholics so I know I fit in that category and I can't see your eyes. I just always feels so darn stupid.

I have a doctor appointment the 22. Why is it when you really want to see a doctor, they can never squeeze you in unless its and emergency.

Thanks for listening. I hope its okay I'm back. I know, this was a pathetic email. Once again from OnceNice, a depressing email. I'll try to get off my pity party and try again. After all I did make it three day. And work wants me to work this weekend. I never ever drink at work never. Well.

Thanks again. I needed someone to listen.

Sorry about my flub up. I've been flubbing up for 20 years now with trying to quit. I'm not surprised, but just n case any of you were suprised, I am sorry.

CarolD

Hugs Nice....Welcome back!

Chy

The hardest thing I had to do was FORCE myself to change my entire routine. That sucked. It helped that I was really ready..this time. I has a hard time quitting because I didn't know how to be sober. I didn't know it would take so much work. I knew I didn't want to be a drunk anymore but I couldn't be living in that constant guilt. We all do it when we're ready to do whatever it takes to stay that way. You will to.

El Gato

Maybe you are not ready to quit yet. As long as I got some positive results from drinking, I didn't really want to quit either. When all the results were negative it was time for me to choose not to drink.

splendra

(((OnceNice))))

Yes, I had a very hard time getting sober. I quit and restarted drinking many times before I got it...

All this means is now you have a chance to try again and keep trying until you are able to quit. Put down the shame stick pull yourself up and try again when you feel ready...

OnceNice

Thanks Carol.
I read your emails to others. You really seem happy. Gives me some hope.

My mother says that if you haven't changed by the time you are 40 years of age, you never will. Well, I"m 40 and things are getting worse. I hope I can change regardless of what my mom says.

Chy

I changed at 42

OnceNice

Thanks everyone. The only reason I can see "not to quit" is so I can not think.

But, I've lost all my friends, my family is not speaking to me (except mom) and I just don't want to wait for some stupid disaster. I read on here that you hit a bottom when you are tired of digging. I liked that.

I know a lot has to deal with depression too. But I just assumed all alcholics were depressed. Maybe that's wrong too.

Chy you hit the nail on the head when you say "change your routine" That is hard for me. If someone called me on the phone and wanted my help for a week. I could go without a drink and help THEM. But for me no way, I do the same thing over and over. It's almost like I hate myself and sabotage myself, but I don't know why. I really don't think I'm that bad of a person.

Anyway thanks again everyone.

PaperDolls

My mom just turned 59 last month. She's had just over 3 years of sobriety. She had a horrible time trying to get there but she made it. Trust me, if she can do it, you can do it.

I'm SO glad you're back. You DO belong here.

~doll

subliminalurge

I know that feeling intimately. It's pure hell. I know what it's like to examine all the consequences of drinking and say to yourself "Yes, it's worth it, as long as I can have a few hours of not feeling like THIS."

I also know the desperately lost and helpless feeling when even the alcohol doesn't take it away anymore.

Quitting is a bitch, but it's worth it. Things DO get better! Not today, and probably not tomorrow, but fairly soon.

You're not alone, please believe that. Every feeling you described is one that I know very well.

Please go to a meeting and tell someone what you posted here. Or, just do what I did when I finally got desperate enough and grab someone after the meeting who looks like they have some good sobriety and simply say "I'm ****** up, I need help". You'll get it.

I did that 4 months ago, and I'm so grateful that I did. My life is better today than it was then, and there is zero doubt in my mind that it will continue to improve as long as I stay INVOLVED in AA.

It can be that way for you, too. I know it's hard to believe, but all of those smiling, happy, cheerful people at those meetings understand. They've been where you are, and they will help you get to where they are.

I'll be praying for you.

Chy

It's not "almost like" it is like that. We hate ourself, feel worthless, helpless and poof another reason to drink. 95% of the alcoholics I know are good, kind, genuine, decent, highly intelligent people. Your not a bad person just a little on the ill side. Like I said, I had to force myself to get out of that routine, rut, cycle, misery. ..meetings worked for me, journaling, once done cleaning everything in the house, I went to the yard, then the garage, then feeling bugged I had to keep doing something or I knew I'd find another excuse. 6 months straight of busting my butt working hard, studying hard, giving everything and anyone my all hard. Then I began to relax once I realized I didn't think about drinking as often during the day. Other then my program and my family I'd have to say forcing myself to chang my routine is a huge reason I've never relapsed. Instead of going home right away, go to a movie, go to the mall, go check out the hotties at the grocery store, go to the library, just don't go home until after you "witching hour"... subtle changes like that each day will be a huge part of your success.

Sugah

Yeah, some of us have felt that way.

It gets better, it truly does. Tie a knot and hold on...try looking for the similarities rather than the differences. I had to. I know you can, too!

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Justme57

I am so glad you came back ! That is a big step in the right direction.

Chy really said it for me . I often have 3 days off in a row, and when I was drinking, I dreaded my days off, cos I KNEW, I would be drunk for 3 days, and I hated myself , but just couldnt do it . I would plan at work, not to go to the bottle shop on the way home, but I always did . I was convinced I was a worthless piece of S***. I live alone, and like you , could not stand myself. I never saw a soul when I was home, my freinds had deserted me , and my son and daughter in law had decided that it was better if I wasn't in their lives , so I was alone.

I was so anxious and disgusted with me, I could not leave the house to go anywhere , because I couldnt drive, too nervous!Then of course , there was the constant battle, will I drink, when will I drink, is it too early ? Until I finally gave in, and then the self hate cos I had , "I've started now, I may as well continue", and the final surrender to booze. And so it went on!!!!!!!

Now Nice, I dont want to contradict ya Mum but I was 57 when I quit, and had been drinking in that manner for 37 years.

Now heres the thing! When I rang AA, I was taken to meetings, cos by that time I did not have a license. To this day, I will never know if I would have been strong enough if I had had to get myself there, people would say when they dropped me off, I'll pick you up at ........, and me , being the little people pleaser I was , could not sayy NO, LOL I think God worked it that way !BUT it did take a lot of work on my part. I had to be ready, stand on corners in the cold, catch trains, ansd buses,, be willing to ask for a lift either home or to, I found this really hard ! I NEEDED the people in AA, like you , I had not managed well in social situations, and was very scared of people, and mistrusted everyone .
I have not had a relapse up til today, BUT I have had immeasurable support from my AA friends, and I have done a LOT of work.

For me , I could not have done it alone , no way, you need f2f people who understand , and whom you can ring when you need to, *( I wasnt good at that either )

Please Nice, get some support , give AA a ring , but most of all

Keep comming back!

HUGX
Lee

c'est la vie

You made me laugh because you knew exactly what some harda$$ might do. You're getting the hang of SR so see you do belong here. I'm glad you posted.

I struggle with the same problem of being bored at home (thus I drink) so I'm trying to not be home as much. My house is falling apart but I haven't drank in 2 weeks so I guess it's working. I wish you would find the strength to give meetings another try. It's a really good excuse not to be in your house.

Promise me and yourself that you won't drink just for today (or the next 24 hours). Good luck and good night.

janeeyre

Hi, Nice!

I'm really glad you came back. See? Just like everyone said, you DO belong here.

This might sound totally silly, but maybe you could get involved with some sort of animal group--I've helped out at our local humane society and am now involved with another animal rescue group, and that's one way to use up any extra time on your hands! Plus, sometimes animals are easier to hang around with if you're feeling too uncomfortable with people on a given day. You've talked about your sweet kitty, so I know you like cats!

Anyway, you've gone 3 days in a row without drinking so that's proof you can not drink, just for today! It's tough, but you will beat this.

Take care,
Jane

Sugasnaps

****{Nice}}}

Welcome back girl... you are part of the club babe. I'm so glad you came back. I'm going to be 41 this year so the "can't change by 40" deal is caacaa! Those 3 days you didn't drink are still yours and you own the living **** out of them - nothing can take them from you cuz you earned them. Just because you picked up the alcohol again it doesn't erase them. You will have more days in the future if you want them and it sure sounds like you do. The more you try the stronger (even if you don't see it happening) you become. You will do it. I can tell you want more for yourself so keep holding onto it and keep posting and just be open to the idea of it. For me the idea of it took a long time to really sink into my thick head.

Like Jane said, it is tough, but you will be okay as long as you don't give up.

Suga

Anna

Oh Once, I was exactly the same as you. I'd always help a friend or do anything for my family, but I never cared enough about myself to take care of me. It just never mattered and I never thought it would matter. And 'changing the routine' was crucial for me. I am a creature of habit and I like routine. And, so to force a change felt weird but it worked. You can do this. Plan to be doing something else at the time when you would usually drink. And, do something for yourself. If you have to say 'no' to someone else, then say it. But do something for yourself. Those two things will help you along this road that we're on.

I'm so glad to see you posting.

Cindi R

"Cleaning and organizing makes me sick."
ME TOO GIRLFRIEND!
I was totally sick & tired of being sick & tired...
and I'm still not Suzy homemaker, so what's your point?

"My mother says that if you haven't changed by the time you are 40 years of age, you never will. Well, I"m 40 and things are getting worse. I hope I can change regardless of what my mom says."
I say that you can...if you really want to!
So what does your mom know about this?
I was 39 years old and had been drinking & drugging for more than 25 years when I came into the program...
I'm glad to see you back...
Please try another meeting, or one in another location, you'll find a group that just feels right if you keep going.

NoMoBeer

You didn't fail! If you stop trying, then maybe -- but you keep getting knocked down and getting back up... that's success, courage and plain old guts in my book -- I admire that.

Check out this quote (sorry, any time anyone's thread makes me think of a quote from the Big Book, I've got to quote it):

The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet
obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our
so called will power becomes practically nonexistent.
We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our
consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the
suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago.
We are without defense against the first drink.

Will power doesn't cut it. I tried and tried and tried to control my drinking, quit drinking, cut back my drinking... nothing worked. I found a solution in Alcoholics Anonymous...

Hitting your bottom is to some extent a choice -- if you choose to "stop digging" -- or "not let the elevator go all the way to the basement." But I have to tell you -- at some point, we lose the power to choose. Then the bottom chooses when we hit it... not a good place to be...

Give AA a shot, it works for so many of us and truly teaches us how to live sober....

Ken

velvet

Welcome back! Not EVERYONE can just quit. It takes strong support, effort and time. That's why SR is so full of people. It's not just you, that is having a hard time. Good luck with this time.