garsh

Did any of you quit drinking with the thought that maybe one day you could drink again moderately, like a "normal" person? I quit drinking 28 days ago, and went into this not really knowing if I can ever drink again. Sometimes I think I could some day, but then sometimes I feel like I'm just kidding myself and can never drink "normally."

I'd love some personal experiences for those who want to share. Thanks

Phinneas

Nope. I came into recovery so low, in so much pain, so broken, that I had proved to myself (over and over again) that drinking is not an option.

In AA it is said that the only step we have to do perfectly is step one. ALL reservations and doubts must be removed or - sooner or later - we WILL drink again.

This disease is progressive. If you are a true alcoholic, garsh, drinking will only lead to more pain and control you. Only you can know if you are or are not, though. Do you have the mental obsession? The physical cravings?

Good luck on your path.

Justme57

Hi again garsh the sober ! LOL

Nah ! I was like Phinny, I had tried everything ( except quitting ) for 37 years, and I was beaten. I KNEW that once I had 1 drink the other 100 or 2 would shortly follow. I was scared sh****** that I would not be able to stop. my inner pain and self loathing was such, that if I had not quit when I did I would be dead, either by my own hand , or grog. I remember driving home from work on ocassions, thinking how easy it would be to just cross to the other side of the freeway , I was full of fear .

HUGX
Lee

splendra

As bad as my last hang over was I knew I did not want to ever be a drinker again...

garsh

JustMe57 are you stalking me? hahahaha- just kidding.

brigid

Even though I know I am an alcoholic and I know that I can not drink again, there are still thoughts about maybe sometime in the future. So then I start thinking about when ... maybe when my kids are able to support themselves and do not need me anymore. Ok ... that doesn't work because kids always need their mothers in some way.

I know these thoughts come sometimes, they rarely come for me now but I know that they will surface occassionally for my entire life. It is the addiction that "talks" its way back into your life IF you let it.

These "moderation" thoughts are triggered by my bodies response to alcohol and I have to be vigilant and careful or they can keep coming and keep sounding more logical and enticing. BE CAREFUL!!

lots of love,
brigid

Ngokpa

Actually I wasn't sure I was an alcoholic. Sure I drank a lot, but hey, I was special. The rules didn't apply to me. But my life was a train wreck. Since I couldn't think of anything better to do, I tried the 90-day money-back guarantee. By the time I had 60 days, I'd gone through withdrawals, and had thought about it so much. I was practically afraid to go down some supermarket isles in case a bottle jumped up and poured itself down my throat.

The other thing is I thought my problem was emotional. I had family issues. And that was real (and sobriety's given me the opportunity to work on that). But when I hit 45 days, I accidentally ate a piece of cake with rum in it--the closest thing I've had to a slip--and was so nuts the rest of the day it scared me, as well as proving that even if I wanted to sacrifice my future, alcohol just isn't fun any more.

CarolD

God removed my obsession to drink and I have never considered
throwing away His miracle.

The last 16 years have been fantastic!

CAPTAINZING2000

I just knew my life wasn't going really smoothly. Woke up in a drunk tank for the 4th time.

I just wanted to weasel my way out of another drunken mess

I didn't know, I would still be in AA 6 and a half years later. Glad I am too

TRISH1011

My GP recently said to me that the thought of drinking again should not enter the equation - now. However, if in five years, I had stayed sober, no more relaspses - it may be an option for the future but only under strict supervision.

So I just think of it as not an option.

michski

yeah, I'm gonna drink again when I'm 82... I'm 55 now.

I was in an out patient program with an 89 year old women who went into recovery when she tried to kill herself by sitting in her beautiful jaguar, with the engine running and parked in the garage, drinking vodka until she passed out. When she woke up in the hospital she asked why she was alive. The doctor told her she had rolled up the windows and therefore had not died of carbon monoxide poisoning.... so she asked him if she would've died if her son hadn't found her and he replied "no, you just would have run out of gas!

Peter

Nope. When I quit drinking I knew I was done, finished, kaput....and unlike Arnold....I would never be back....

lulu70

Hey there, Garsh--Glad to see you are still stickin' around. And good question! Like everyone else here, I am fairly certain that drinking like a normal person is just not meant for me. Heck! If I could drink like a normal person, I would drink as much as I wanted everyday!!! (do you see the irony there?) Every once in a while I will catch myself thinking about having a drink--a glass of wine with a nice dinner, a beer during the game, a cocktail on a night out with friends--thing is, I know me too well. One drink would turn on that mental obsession and physical craving. If I think about it hard enough, I can almost feel that nervous twitch in my stomach, the tingling in my legs and arms, and the slight buzz in my head..... UGH!!! It completely creeps me out. Why would I want to do that to myself? No glass of wine, beer, or cocktail is worth it. There are other ways for me to enjoy myself--ways that don't make me insane!

Don't know if you are getting the answers you wanted, but I can assure you they are all from the heart...

Hang in there!

Kellye C

When I first got sober I was in hell being totally controlled by an obsession for my next drink. I went through the withdrawals and the only thing that got me through was the thought that if I could get through I didn't ever have to feel that way again. I do have thoughts of drinking from time to time most likely when I am in emotional pain but I have to weigh that thought against what it was like. I play the tape through to the end and I know without a doubt that should I succumb and take that first drink it won't be long til I'm where I left off or worse. I was dang near dead when I got sober and I discovered that I didn't want to die but instead wanted to live. So for me to drink is to die. I create a mental picture of me drinking a big glass of Clorox. As poisonous as that is to me so is alcohol.

After watching my exSO throw away 17 years of sobriety this past weekend while trying to kill himself I know for a fact that I don't want that type of fate for myself. I find now that when I think of a drink I almost physically start gagging so strong is my fear of going back.

So.................. while my disease might like for me to entertain the thought that I might one day be able to drink normally my reality doesn't support that.

Hope this helps!
Kellye

NoMoBeer

I'm an alcoholic. I cannot drink like normal people. Therefore abstinence is the only way.... A pickle cannot turn back into a cucumber!!

From the Big Book, More about alcoholism...

Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were
real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily
and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is
not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized
by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink
like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he
will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of
every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is
astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or
death.


We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost
selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step
in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or
presently may be, has to be smashed.

Sugasnaps

I know deep down in my heart and in my head that I cannot drink alcohol again. It is like if I was allergic to peanuts but I LOVED peanuts and yet the peanuts would kill me would I eat them again and again? Hell no, what am I an idiot? Now replace the word peanuts with alcohol and reread it. That's me. Yet, that cunning sobgdmfah alcohol still beckons to me and there are moments when I wonder... and then the now louder voice in my head does this and I wake up from my brush with insanity and I start reciting all the reasons why it is not a good idea to drink again. Will it ever stop trying to lure me back? Gosh I sure hope so sometimes I get so tired of it. But not so tired to give it another chance to kill me.


Suga

2dayzmuse

When I first surrendered to the notion I was an alcoholic I was beaten also. I was able to quit drinking for 2 months. That was the longest I had ever gone without a drink. Then my obsession told me it would be alright to have a couple of drinks. I was wrong, I could not. I drank for about four days. I surrendered again to the fact I could not drink like normal and lasted around 30 days.

I took another roll of the dice and came up with snake eyes again. That was it. I had sunk low enough and wasn't willing to go any further. I have finally convinced myself I can not listen to the sick lure of my obsession. I know I will never be able to drink again. If the notion even comes close to rearing its ugly head, I must counter attack. I cannot afford to listen to its foolishness. For if I do, I am doomed. I have put that to the test more than I care to know. Life without drinking isn't such a bad trade off. I come out the winner in the end. I gave up mourning the loss of alcohol sometime ago. Life goes on and I am a better person for letting it go. It turns out, it wasn't nearly as dear a friend as I had believed it to be. With friends like that...

daydream

Hell yeah, I did that!

I first came to the rooms in 1989. Had not been using very long and I was in denial about just how bad my addiction already was (had not experienced any majorly socially unacceptable consequences). Went to rehab after my 3rd year of college. I was majoring in psychology. I knew I had a problem and needed to quit using or I was going to flunk out of school. I was also in some emotional pain and friends were trying to interfere with my using. After I got clean, it didn't take long for my addiction to start screwing with my head. Even while still in rehab, people said I would make it because I was so smart and going to college and had a lot going for me. That just made my head swell to think I was more powerful than addiction. I also thought I couldn't be a real addict because I was only 21, never used "hard drugs" , because i was educated and from a christian (although abusive) family. Long story short, I thought I just went at it too young, too hard, too fast. I also thought I went a lil crazy with the using because I had been completely sheltered from it growing up, so using was a novelty to me. It also was a way to kill the awful pain inside. All this was rationalization, minimalization and justification. I tried to convince myself that several years down the road, when I was older, smarter, wiser and more emotionally stable, I would be able to use normally. HA! I relapsed within 6 weeks and ended up OD'ing within a few days. After getting out of the hospital, I got clean again and stayed that way for 6 years, but I knew I wasn't done yet. During those 6 years, I finished college, went to work as a therapist, married and had a baby. I decided to use again and be very careful. I decided to give it my very best effort to use successfully. I told myself that as a therapist, I would be able to control myself because i knew so much about addiction. I also told myself that if the using started to be a problem again, i would just quit and if necessary, return to NA for instant recovery. Double HA! Within a few months of using, trying my hardest to stay in control, I knew I was in big trouble. It took me another 2 years of rapid deterioration, despair and degradation to finally make it back into the rooms, finally convinced 100%. After staying clean for another 3 years I did relapse again, but knowing full well it would get bad, and it quickly did, far far worse than ever before. Today at almost 5 years clean, I have no inkling that I might someday be able to use successfully, not even for a short time. One thing I always share about those early days of thinking I could use someday: I never told anyone I was having those thoughts until it was too late. I thought people would look down on me if I said I thought I could use again successfully someday or if I admitted I was wanting to pick up. Now I know it's normal for us to have those thoughts because that's how addicts think. Keep talking about it. Let people help you see the truth, whatever it is. I've learned to apply this lesson in other areas as well. Today I tell on myself any time I have thoughts that I might be able to skip a step or not be honest about something or when I'm isolating, etc. I even tell my sponsor when I'm being lazy about finishing a step. I ask her for a deadline or I set one myself and ask her to hold me to it. I simply cannot keep sick thoughts growing in the darkness of my addict mind. Garsh, keep coming back and sharing!

trytrytry

i'd love to drink like a normal person but i'm not normal so i can't. i liked getting drunk. i wasn't doing it for the taste. and although it's harder to deal with i'll take the sober world.

janew

By the time I recognized the need for professional help , I had tried moderate drinking after many dry periods of time over and over. I was finallly beaten down, knew I lost the battle and could never drink again. No one knew I drank, no DUI's, went to all the school functions, great Mom (or so I thought I was at the time), never missed work......

Giving up alcohol was the hardest and best decision I ever made.