DolphinBlue

Hi everyone,

I suffer from bouts of depression/mania/anxiety but have never been diagnosed. I am usually more anxious than depressed, but today I just can't drag my butt out of this.

Yesterday (day 24 of my sobriety) was a very testing day for me in many ways. If I went into details, it would take forever to explain so let's just say it was 'one of those days' tenfold. I know things can pile up really quickly in early recovery, but this was beyond that.

Don't feel I can talk to my sponsor about this as yesterday I visited her and basically just made a complete idiot out of myself. I was self-pitying, selfish and dishonest by the time I got there. It felt really uncomfortable, like I was a burden.

Anyway, when the **** hit the fan, all the reserves I had inside me had gone. I had already spent all of my energy on the (testing) earlier part of the day. So, all I had left in my reserves were my old patterns of behaviour and basically I proved to myself I am little more than a dry drunk when the going gets tough. Had tried so hard not to be like this it didn't work.

A person I thought I fell in love with (who waited until after this had happened to tell me he is married) basically dumped me yesterday. Another thing that really bothers me is that I don't feel I have compassion anymore, that I am just totally wrapped up in myself.

Other problems from yesterday are still unsolvable but very urgent matters. This sense of urgency combined with uselessness is overwhelming. It's just getting worse and am having the most scary thoughts like "Life was so much easier/more fun when I was drinking" I think I may be bored as well, but for now I can't get past this. Tried all suggested things, just makes me feel worse. Reminds me that I don't think I have what it takes to stay clean and sober at the moment.

I have managed to drag myself out of awful times so far, but this one has really defeated me for now. I had invested so much in trying to get and stay sober the right way. I know things will get better, but I feel like I could strangle the person who came up with that saying just now! Just the thought of not being able to get out of the house is depressing. The thought of walking around my ****** neighbourhood is more so. No-one I call seems to understand me, or rather I won't listen properly. It seems the more I seek answers, the worse I feel. Even my Higher Power has been blocked by all this negativity. I feel I am trapped.

I don't want to be a whinger, but the funny thing is I think "Well, I've lost it anyway, what does it matter?" I even feel that writing this thread is wrong. I basically just regret everything I do/say/think.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Love

DolphinBlue

Stephanie

And you know what.......you sound exactly like a newly sober alcoholic. Everyone I know that has years in the program acted, sounded, and felt just like you do. I could have written this post when I was new verbatim. I happen to be a pretty talkative person, a little on the manic side perhaps, so when I was new I would share in almost every meeting about everything going on with me. Later on people told me that no one ever understood a word I said because I talked so fast. It's just a miscombobulated time. You're going to be fine....you're doing great so please don't go and get yourself diagnosed just yet. In a couple months perhaps if the depression is still bad but now you just don't sound any different than any other new person in the recovery program.

Actually people expect you to act like this. They would think there was something wrong if you weren't a little nutty. I have also got news for you.....most alcoholics are pretty self centered, it's pretty bad when we're using, it's even bad sometimes in recovery but newly sober alcoholics have a theme song around these parts it goes......
ME ME

ME

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I always felt like a burden too, you're not. Actually you know your sponsor is not sponsoring you because she's the greatest person on earth. She's sponsoring you so that she can stay sober. Sponsoring is a part of the `12th step. Can't keep it if you don't give it away. You're doing fine, you're not a burden and on the contrary, I don't know if you've heard the term....keep it green, but new people help keep it green. That means they remind us of where we came from, and we need that more than the guy in the corner of the meeting with 20 yrs. reciting the big book.

vinnietoo

DB,

I really can't give too much advice. But I can tell you what
I do when things got overwhelming. The first thing is I don't drink. All the stuff that was overwhelming came from the fact that I was drinking to escape from them. The lie that I told myself was,
I just need to get some relief from what is going on, once I get that I'll be able to deal with it in a new light. Well that was BS.
The fact of the matter is that I am a alcoholic, and this diesese
was telling me that somehow I could get relief from the crap that
I had caused by drinking, by drinking. Getting honest and bringing someone into my life that could really get to know
my insanity was vital. It removed my uniquness. I use to think
I was a better than average alcoholic., but the more I look at it the more I find that I was just average, at many things.
I recall the last 24 hours of my drinking time, and remember all my feelings, I recall what I was feeling the first time I went to a
AA meeting. For me these are good fear feelings, for if I look at them close enough I know that I can feel them again, if I drink &
if I survive. I don't ever want to feel that way again, so I don't drink, and I go to meetings, talk with my sponsor, and read the Big Book. Also I now come to the soberrecovery site, and I am, reminded by all of it that I am truely blesssed to be sober, today.
Thanks so much for helping this guy stay sober, today.

Blessings,
Vinnie

DolphinBlue

Thank you both, what a relief that I am not unique.

I looked up a site (before checking here) with a 'relapse checklist' and just like you said, this is textbook stuff. I called AA helpline and someone is arranging for me to go to a Women's meeting, I think it's for general recovery issues.

I have not picked up a drink, I forgot to be grateful for that!

Love

DolphinBlue

DolphinBlue

Hello again,

well, now that I've had time to settle down a bit and think things through I can see that I learned some pretty important lessons today. Firstly, I am glad that I purged here because I was able to detach myself from the situation and really couldn't see that as a possiblity at the time. Then I realised that sometimes things just don't work and its ok to just be sober. In fact its awesome. I was trying too hard to do everything right and I never felt that 'just staying abstinent' would ever be enough to satisfy this need for change. But, like I said in my last post, I am truly grateful for this alone at last! (for now at least, tomorrow is another day).

Also, I realised I need AA and the people in it. I need people like the two of you. I had not shown much gratitude in many of my shares as my crises were always so much more important and I have not known this gratitude until now. It was nice to give back tonight. Now I only have to be careful that I don't get too carried away with being happy lol.

When I hear awesome stuff, I always try to remember it. Then someone else says something awesome and so on until I forget the whole lot lol but somehow I have this strange feeling that the seeds are planted because these little things seem to come to me when I need them.

Ok, I'm getting carried away lol I'll go now

Love

DolphinBlue

Doug

DB,
I can relate, and I'm reminded alot at meetings that my 100+ days of clean time, while its good, is not enough to offset my years of using, living a chaotic, self centered, alcoholic, life. I can't fix my own thinking with my own thinking, which is why I keep coming. Also trying to look at positves since I always live in the negatives.

You did post here and got it off your chest, and, YOU DIDN"T DRINK! You did do the right things, even if it may have seemed otherwise.

I'm glad you posted, glad your doing better, and I'm glad your here.

Recovering

Hi DolphinBlue,

Thanks for sharing your feelings. I'm glad you're feeling better. One thing that I have been noticing is your growth and the way that you reach out to other people on SR. I'm glad you're here and happy that you're finding the gifts offered by sobriety.

Take care and keep coming back

Ninerfan

dolphinBlue.....You sound just like every succesful alcoholic I've ever known. We are so in a hurry to get well that we forget that we are no longer in charge of the timing. I think all I did was 'put the plug in the jug' and the rest was up to my higher power and AA.

Early on in sobriety when I got overwhelmed by myself I was told to make a gratitude list. That is still good advice because as long as I'm not drinking there is always something to be grateful for.

Trust the process and trust that AA will get you where you want to be. You asked for advice so here goes. Take a committment at a big book study meeting. Or a 12 x 12 study meeting. Immerse yourself in the AA literature, know it like the back of your hand. The solution to our problems is contained in the books.

Best of luck.....N

Peter

Stay the course DB,You are doing exactly what it is you need to do.Talking about it.

Peter.

DolphinBlue

Thanks everyone

very encouraging words and good advice. Its comforting to be told sometimes that I am doing ok because sometimes I'm sure that I'm not. Feeling much more positive!

Have a great day

Love

DolphinBlue