Advice for a newbie?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4
Advice for a newbie?
Ok...I really hope I can gather all my thoughts together and get them across in a concise, cohesive manner.
So here's the deal...
I stopped drinking 7 months and 28 days ago. I stopped drinking because I thought that's what I needed to do to get my head back on my shoulders. I should preface all of this with my story.
My whole life I've been antsy. I've been on the verge if you will. I've always been motivated, outgoing and ready to take on the world. This would also be crossed with times of high anxiety and times of deep depressions. Through my teen years I began to realize this as a problem but was dissuaded from seeking help because my family thought I just wanted to be like my friend who was in the mental ward at the time.
Time went on and I developed into a young adult rather well. I was still very closed off emotionally from all those around me but outgoing with my personality enough to where people didn't seem to notice. It wasn't until my mid 20's that the ups and downs became drastic. I remember an entire winter where I contemplated how I'd commit suicide so i wouldn't have to deal with all the rambling thoughts and all the sadness and lonliness. The problem was, on the outside, I had tons of friends. I was fun to be around. I appeared to be one of those optimistic, high on life guys.
Of course through all this I drank and experimented with drugs. Nothing to write home about mostly and never and problems other than occasionally drinking too much and throwing up or being too stoned to think straight. While in school I was an honor roll student and was involved with sports and extra curricualr activities. I was your normal kid.
Of course when i turned 21, the drinking increased and unfortunately so did the drug use. Although I no longer got high or shroomed or did acid, I began to use ecstasy regularly. I abused this drug. No doubt. I did more, and harder than anyone in my peer group. I would take upwards of 5 a night often more than two or three times a week. To this day, I'm convinced this abuse of ecstasy is what triggered my brain into fuill blown bi-polar disorder which I'll talk about later.
Cocaine came at the tail end of my abuse of ecstasy. Being a man with an addictive personality I abused this drug as well and while my ecstasy use dwindled my cocaine use rose. I remember having what I thought was a heart attack one night and told myself I'd never do it again. of course once I got a clean bill of health I used again just less frequently. Finally while throwing a Christmas party on December 23rd, 2002, I used cocaine for the last time. I had grown tired of wanting it and doing it and tired of all the late night, quiet talks I'd have with my other coke heads. It took a lonely bathroom stall and some crappy blow while nearly 60 of my friends we're just outside the door having a blast for me to quit. I haven't looked back since.
Drinking still continued through all the drug use and continued after. There was no rise in the frequency with which I would drink in fact I was probably going out a little less than before. I drank as I and my peer group always did. Once, twice, maybe three times a week. I never considered it a problem and looking back I'm not certain it was a problem. This is where I become confused. But first allow me to finish.
At around 23, after my drug days were behind me, I began to be more aware of my mental health. perhaps it was the lack of drugs inside there fogging it up but either way, I was aware. My moods would rise and fall. I began having occasional breakdowns wherein I would begin thinking about something negative and it would snowball until I would sob and cry uncontrollably eventually tiring and laying there stunned and dazed. This is where the suicidal winter came into play. It didn't help that I was deeply in love with a woman who couldn't be mine.
Fast forward a couple of years and you'll see me mostly in the same state. Outwardly i am doing great. I have a great job that I held even through all the drug use, i was making nearly $100,000 a year and being sent on great trips every year with my company. I was supposedly happy and successful. I was proud of my kicking the drug habit and talked openly about my past with anyone I thought I could help kick themselves. I never felt pressured to go back to drug use and never felt a crave for it even while using it. My urges were hedonistic in nature and only for my personal goal of being ****** up.
It's during this year that my love for said woman finally came to a head and we talked about being together despite her original unwillingness. It was agreed that upon her return from Christmas out of state that we would begin our new lives. Well upon that return she got scared and backed out. I actually wasn't too depressed. In fact, I wasn't that sad at all. I just told her that I'd had enough and that I wouldn't be able to be her friend any longer because it would be too hard.
That lasted about 5 months and she came back begging. She promised me the world if only I'd be with her. I was absolutely ecstatic! Finally the one thing that remained consistant in my life was going to be real and actual. It was a beautiful, story book start. Until i began noticing that she wasn't all she claimed to be. When I'd notice these things and bring them up instead of offering an explanation or an apology, they'd be met with a fight. This became our MO. Fight hard, **** hard. These fights and inconsistancies began screwing with my head on a deeper level. If this person loves me as much as they say they do, why can't something as simple as asking to hold my hand be complied with?
Eventually it all became too much and my breakdowns bgan happening very frequently. Through all this, my drinking had never been more or less. It was always about the same. We'd go out, get drunk once in awhile and that was it. No thought was given to it truthfully. We we're just young kids having fun.
I wanted desperately to get help with my deteriorating mental condition but having just switched jobs I didn't have insurance. I had the date all set just a month from then that I'd be able to go get help but she couldn't wait it out. She gave up on me and left. She didn't want to understand what I was going through and decided that it was too much to deal with me and my nitpicking of her lack of affection.
I hit my lowest point just then. I admit that yes I did get drunk. I did that with my best friend while crying right there at the bar and telling him that me and my girl wouldn't be joining them in Mexico as we planned. We stopped drinking and went to his home when my mom called. For the first time in my life I layed it all out there. All the problems, all the pain. She calmed me down after a couple hours and scheduled me an appt with a Not For Profit Mental Health Organization for the next day.
I never felt so misearable going in there and admitting defeat. Trying to beat this deperession on my own for so many years and finally giving in to the power of possible meds and therapists and whatnot. Alas I did and immediately they began therapy sessions and scheduled an appt with a Doctor who would advise if meds were needed. They recommend that I not drink during this time as based on their assesment I would more than likely be going on meds that didn't take well to alcohol. They also didn't want me to use drinking as a cruthch at this point.
I was diagnosed shortly afrter as bipolar-depressive and was immediately put on two different medications to help calm the racing thoughts and to ease my sadness and disassociativeness. These would suypposedly help make me balanced. This would be done with the help of therapy sessions with a counselor once a week indefinately.
For the first month I didn't drink. I was talked into going on the Mexico trip anyway and in knowing this I asked my counselor, nurses and doctor about drinking. They told me that in moderation it was fine but I wouldn't want to over do it. No problem i thought. I wasn't much in the partying mood anyways. I just wanted to have some cocktails on the beach.
The trip went well and a few months passes. My drinking wasn't out of hand though it had returned to nearly my previous level of once, to three times a week. Often I wouldn't drink at all going out though and sometimes i'd go a week or two without any at all.
Well, the girl came back. We talked all through the 5 month breakup. I would tell her that I was all better. Everything was fine now and please come back to me. She would cry and say she couldnt but eventually, she did. And she promised that this time it would be different, she wanted to work with me to be mentally healthy. She would be more affectionate, more caring, more understanding, blah blah blah.
We hadn't been back together a month before we decided to move in together. IT was going through that process i began to see all her old ********. I was never even close to her top priority in any respect. And despite 5 successful months of therapy and meds, i began to breakdown again, this time even harder than ever. It was around this time that the drinking began to show it's problems. I would become angry while drinking, something I've NEVER experienced. I would become overly emotional, aggresive, sad and just plain miserable. I knew that drinking more than a moderate amount on this medication could cause problems like this so I would cut it out. Unfortuantely even while drinking just moderately my head was all out of wack. She was driving me crazier than ever before and every time I was made out to be the ass hole! This is what ruined me in the end. My desire and need for her to be not just with me by saying it but by showing it caused my last drunk.
I should say now that I'm a musician and I play out quite often. Playing shows usually means free drinks for the band and this night was no exception. It was by far our biggest show to date and for once, my girl actually wanted to go. In fact she was bringing a friend from work and pretty excited for it. Well they showed up and i was already drunk. i'd been there for hours already to do sound check and set up so I was good and loaded. Everything was cool until I started to play the second fiddle again. Her friend was there so i was just an afterthought. Standing right behind her at the bar, "Oh, you wanted a drink?" she asked. Coming up behind her to hug her I'd get shrugged off with an annoying glance. Asking for a kiss before showtime, i'd get a huff and an eyeroll and my lips would be met with a hurried dry peck.
It wasn't until up on stage and looking for her in the crowd that I felt the alcohol take over. She was nowhere to be seen. Despite pleadings from me to take notice and some pride in what I do and be a supportive girlfriend and come up front and cheer us on, she was nowhere yet again. I suppose i should have just been happy that she actually was AT this show. Usually she preferred to stay at home when I had a show. Not seeing her was the final straw for my drunken self.
The rest had to be recounted to me as i blacked out on stage.
After our set, I ruined the dressing room. Broke glasses, bottles tables, threw chairs, screamed, yelled and swung at whoever was around. I then went on a tear upstairs to find her and ask why she wasn'[t there. I found her and screamed, "Where the **** were you?" Not a bright idea, but again, I wasn't exactly myself. She immediately began screaming right back and it ended with me throwing my bottle across the concert hall and storming off. Apparantly from there I moved on outside the venue and began screaming BITCH and **** HER to whoever was in earshot. I began punching the brick walls. Fighting off my friends who came to help me. It went on like this for about 10 minutes when a car was pulled around where they threw me in.
I remember throwing up on the car ride home. Then being in the shower with my girl at home just crying.
The following morning despite only remembering small pieces of what happened I came out of the bedroom and said, "That's it, I'm done." When she confronted me with, "Done with what?" I hesitated for a moment and said, "No more of this ****. I'm done drinking." If only I had said what I really wanted to say..."I'm done with you." I think things would be a lot different.
The week after that was hell, walking on eggshells trying to make amends for such a display of anger and drunkeness. In between all of that breaking down several times a day. Going to church nearly every day and begging for help, some guidance and breaking down at church even. I would have given anything to have another chance. To make things right. To fix things. It didn't work, I was left again for the third time. Well I guess the third time is really a charm. It wasn't until after pulling myself out of a two month long depression of which I avoided hospitalization several times narrowly that I realized this was exactly what i needed. A wake up call to not only get rid of the poison in my life but to become clear headed.
I haven't had a drink since then and for the most part it's been pretty easy. I go out all the time to bars, clubs etc. Hell, i even did a nationwide tour with my band and was never so much as tempted.
I've had nearly 8 months to find out who I am as a sober person and I've found out that I'm exactly the same as the person when I drank. The only difference is, the poison is gone. I was never a problem drinker until I mixed meds with a sour relationship. Without meds i was good. With meds and no bad relationship I was good. It seems like simple logic.
I believe that I may have just needed this break to make sure that there is no profound difference between me personally as a sober person and one who drinks. Obviously this has taught me loads of self control and moderation so I'm not worried about relapsing. Then again I'm not sure what i'd relapse to. I'm confident now in the fact that I don't suffer from alcoholism.
It's here that i run into a problem. Because people normally remember "lasts", they're going to remember me drinking as someone who blacked out and raged out. So many people have expressed how proud they are of me for not drinking for so long especially after being Sinner, party, go out guy. Especially my parents. I've never heard so much praise from them in my life.
Am I wrong in wanting to drink again? Am I really just an alcoholic trying to justify my drinking?
Thanks for reading. I hope it makes sense.
**to answer some questions you might have.
-I was never part of AA or other recovery programs. My therapist recommended a drug and alcohol counselor but I proved to be an enigma to her so we parted ways.
-I'm on Paxil 40mg and Risperdal 1mg
-I haven't talked to my ex since then nor tried to get her back.
-I play bass
-It's hip hop music
So here's the deal...
I stopped drinking 7 months and 28 days ago. I stopped drinking because I thought that's what I needed to do to get my head back on my shoulders. I should preface all of this with my story.
My whole life I've been antsy. I've been on the verge if you will. I've always been motivated, outgoing and ready to take on the world. This would also be crossed with times of high anxiety and times of deep depressions. Through my teen years I began to realize this as a problem but was dissuaded from seeking help because my family thought I just wanted to be like my friend who was in the mental ward at the time.
Time went on and I developed into a young adult rather well. I was still very closed off emotionally from all those around me but outgoing with my personality enough to where people didn't seem to notice. It wasn't until my mid 20's that the ups and downs became drastic. I remember an entire winter where I contemplated how I'd commit suicide so i wouldn't have to deal with all the rambling thoughts and all the sadness and lonliness. The problem was, on the outside, I had tons of friends. I was fun to be around. I appeared to be one of those optimistic, high on life guys.
Of course through all this I drank and experimented with drugs. Nothing to write home about mostly and never and problems other than occasionally drinking too much and throwing up or being too stoned to think straight. While in school I was an honor roll student and was involved with sports and extra curricualr activities. I was your normal kid.
Of course when i turned 21, the drinking increased and unfortunately so did the drug use. Although I no longer got high or shroomed or did acid, I began to use ecstasy regularly. I abused this drug. No doubt. I did more, and harder than anyone in my peer group. I would take upwards of 5 a night often more than two or three times a week. To this day, I'm convinced this abuse of ecstasy is what triggered my brain into fuill blown bi-polar disorder which I'll talk about later.
Cocaine came at the tail end of my abuse of ecstasy. Being a man with an addictive personality I abused this drug as well and while my ecstasy use dwindled my cocaine use rose. I remember having what I thought was a heart attack one night and told myself I'd never do it again. of course once I got a clean bill of health I used again just less frequently. Finally while throwing a Christmas party on December 23rd, 2002, I used cocaine for the last time. I had grown tired of wanting it and doing it and tired of all the late night, quiet talks I'd have with my other coke heads. It took a lonely bathroom stall and some crappy blow while nearly 60 of my friends we're just outside the door having a blast for me to quit. I haven't looked back since.
Drinking still continued through all the drug use and continued after. There was no rise in the frequency with which I would drink in fact I was probably going out a little less than before. I drank as I and my peer group always did. Once, twice, maybe three times a week. I never considered it a problem and looking back I'm not certain it was a problem. This is where I become confused. But first allow me to finish.
At around 23, after my drug days were behind me, I began to be more aware of my mental health. perhaps it was the lack of drugs inside there fogging it up but either way, I was aware. My moods would rise and fall. I began having occasional breakdowns wherein I would begin thinking about something negative and it would snowball until I would sob and cry uncontrollably eventually tiring and laying there stunned and dazed. This is where the suicidal winter came into play. It didn't help that I was deeply in love with a woman who couldn't be mine.
Fast forward a couple of years and you'll see me mostly in the same state. Outwardly i am doing great. I have a great job that I held even through all the drug use, i was making nearly $100,000 a year and being sent on great trips every year with my company. I was supposedly happy and successful. I was proud of my kicking the drug habit and talked openly about my past with anyone I thought I could help kick themselves. I never felt pressured to go back to drug use and never felt a crave for it even while using it. My urges were hedonistic in nature and only for my personal goal of being ****** up.
It's during this year that my love for said woman finally came to a head and we talked about being together despite her original unwillingness. It was agreed that upon her return from Christmas out of state that we would begin our new lives. Well upon that return she got scared and backed out. I actually wasn't too depressed. In fact, I wasn't that sad at all. I just told her that I'd had enough and that I wouldn't be able to be her friend any longer because it would be too hard.
That lasted about 5 months and she came back begging. She promised me the world if only I'd be with her. I was absolutely ecstatic! Finally the one thing that remained consistant in my life was going to be real and actual. It was a beautiful, story book start. Until i began noticing that she wasn't all she claimed to be. When I'd notice these things and bring them up instead of offering an explanation or an apology, they'd be met with a fight. This became our MO. Fight hard, **** hard. These fights and inconsistancies began screwing with my head on a deeper level. If this person loves me as much as they say they do, why can't something as simple as asking to hold my hand be complied with?
Eventually it all became too much and my breakdowns bgan happening very frequently. Through all this, my drinking had never been more or less. It was always about the same. We'd go out, get drunk once in awhile and that was it. No thought was given to it truthfully. We we're just young kids having fun.
I wanted desperately to get help with my deteriorating mental condition but having just switched jobs I didn't have insurance. I had the date all set just a month from then that I'd be able to go get help but she couldn't wait it out. She gave up on me and left. She didn't want to understand what I was going through and decided that it was too much to deal with me and my nitpicking of her lack of affection.
I hit my lowest point just then. I admit that yes I did get drunk. I did that with my best friend while crying right there at the bar and telling him that me and my girl wouldn't be joining them in Mexico as we planned. We stopped drinking and went to his home when my mom called. For the first time in my life I layed it all out there. All the problems, all the pain. She calmed me down after a couple hours and scheduled me an appt with a Not For Profit Mental Health Organization for the next day.
I never felt so misearable going in there and admitting defeat. Trying to beat this deperession on my own for so many years and finally giving in to the power of possible meds and therapists and whatnot. Alas I did and immediately they began therapy sessions and scheduled an appt with a Doctor who would advise if meds were needed. They recommend that I not drink during this time as based on their assesment I would more than likely be going on meds that didn't take well to alcohol. They also didn't want me to use drinking as a cruthch at this point.
I was diagnosed shortly afrter as bipolar-depressive and was immediately put on two different medications to help calm the racing thoughts and to ease my sadness and disassociativeness. These would suypposedly help make me balanced. This would be done with the help of therapy sessions with a counselor once a week indefinately.
For the first month I didn't drink. I was talked into going on the Mexico trip anyway and in knowing this I asked my counselor, nurses and doctor about drinking. They told me that in moderation it was fine but I wouldn't want to over do it. No problem i thought. I wasn't much in the partying mood anyways. I just wanted to have some cocktails on the beach.
The trip went well and a few months passes. My drinking wasn't out of hand though it had returned to nearly my previous level of once, to three times a week. Often I wouldn't drink at all going out though and sometimes i'd go a week or two without any at all.
Well, the girl came back. We talked all through the 5 month breakup. I would tell her that I was all better. Everything was fine now and please come back to me. She would cry and say she couldnt but eventually, she did. And she promised that this time it would be different, she wanted to work with me to be mentally healthy. She would be more affectionate, more caring, more understanding, blah blah blah.
We hadn't been back together a month before we decided to move in together. IT was going through that process i began to see all her old ********. I was never even close to her top priority in any respect. And despite 5 successful months of therapy and meds, i began to breakdown again, this time even harder than ever. It was around this time that the drinking began to show it's problems. I would become angry while drinking, something I've NEVER experienced. I would become overly emotional, aggresive, sad and just plain miserable. I knew that drinking more than a moderate amount on this medication could cause problems like this so I would cut it out. Unfortuantely even while drinking just moderately my head was all out of wack. She was driving me crazier than ever before and every time I was made out to be the ass hole! This is what ruined me in the end. My desire and need for her to be not just with me by saying it but by showing it caused my last drunk.
I should say now that I'm a musician and I play out quite often. Playing shows usually means free drinks for the band and this night was no exception. It was by far our biggest show to date and for once, my girl actually wanted to go. In fact she was bringing a friend from work and pretty excited for it. Well they showed up and i was already drunk. i'd been there for hours already to do sound check and set up so I was good and loaded. Everything was cool until I started to play the second fiddle again. Her friend was there so i was just an afterthought. Standing right behind her at the bar, "Oh, you wanted a drink?" she asked. Coming up behind her to hug her I'd get shrugged off with an annoying glance. Asking for a kiss before showtime, i'd get a huff and an eyeroll and my lips would be met with a hurried dry peck.
It wasn't until up on stage and looking for her in the crowd that I felt the alcohol take over. She was nowhere to be seen. Despite pleadings from me to take notice and some pride in what I do and be a supportive girlfriend and come up front and cheer us on, she was nowhere yet again. I suppose i should have just been happy that she actually was AT this show. Usually she preferred to stay at home when I had a show. Not seeing her was the final straw for my drunken self.
The rest had to be recounted to me as i blacked out on stage.
After our set, I ruined the dressing room. Broke glasses, bottles tables, threw chairs, screamed, yelled and swung at whoever was around. I then went on a tear upstairs to find her and ask why she wasn'[t there. I found her and screamed, "Where the **** were you?" Not a bright idea, but again, I wasn't exactly myself. She immediately began screaming right back and it ended with me throwing my bottle across the concert hall and storming off. Apparantly from there I moved on outside the venue and began screaming BITCH and **** HER to whoever was in earshot. I began punching the brick walls. Fighting off my friends who came to help me. It went on like this for about 10 minutes when a car was pulled around where they threw me in.
I remember throwing up on the car ride home. Then being in the shower with my girl at home just crying.
The following morning despite only remembering small pieces of what happened I came out of the bedroom and said, "That's it, I'm done." When she confronted me with, "Done with what?" I hesitated for a moment and said, "No more of this ****. I'm done drinking." If only I had said what I really wanted to say..."I'm done with you." I think things would be a lot different.
The week after that was hell, walking on eggshells trying to make amends for such a display of anger and drunkeness. In between all of that breaking down several times a day. Going to church nearly every day and begging for help, some guidance and breaking down at church even. I would have given anything to have another chance. To make things right. To fix things. It didn't work, I was left again for the third time. Well I guess the third time is really a charm. It wasn't until after pulling myself out of a two month long depression of which I avoided hospitalization several times narrowly that I realized this was exactly what i needed. A wake up call to not only get rid of the poison in my life but to become clear headed.
I haven't had a drink since then and for the most part it's been pretty easy. I go out all the time to bars, clubs etc. Hell, i even did a nationwide tour with my band and was never so much as tempted.
I've had nearly 8 months to find out who I am as a sober person and I've found out that I'm exactly the same as the person when I drank. The only difference is, the poison is gone. I was never a problem drinker until I mixed meds with a sour relationship. Without meds i was good. With meds and no bad relationship I was good. It seems like simple logic.
I believe that I may have just needed this break to make sure that there is no profound difference between me personally as a sober person and one who drinks. Obviously this has taught me loads of self control and moderation so I'm not worried about relapsing. Then again I'm not sure what i'd relapse to. I'm confident now in the fact that I don't suffer from alcoholism.
It's here that i run into a problem. Because people normally remember "lasts", they're going to remember me drinking as someone who blacked out and raged out. So many people have expressed how proud they are of me for not drinking for so long especially after being Sinner, party, go out guy. Especially my parents. I've never heard so much praise from them in my life.
Am I wrong in wanting to drink again? Am I really just an alcoholic trying to justify my drinking?
Thanks for reading. I hope it makes sense.
**to answer some questions you might have.
-I was never part of AA or other recovery programs. My therapist recommended a drug and alcohol counselor but I proved to be an enigma to her so we parted ways.
-I'm on Paxil 40mg and Risperdal 1mg
-I haven't talked to my ex since then nor tried to get her back.
-I play bass
-It's hip hop music
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: seattle
Posts: 468
Hi Sinner -
I cant say if you're an alcohic, only you can.
you said>> I was never a problem drinker until I mixed meds with a sour relationship. Without meds i was good. With meds and no bad relationship I was good. It seems like simple logic. <<
can I ask you, are you going off of the meds?
Listen, S, if you can take it or leave it, why not just leave it alone?
I think the question isnt nevessirily one of control, ...There is a saying in aa. If you keep doing what you did, you'ww keep getting what you got...
Why are you considering rolling the dice on this, mixing psyche meds /booze??
raging out in the dressing room, blackout.... Those are charecteristics of alcoholism...Not likely most people relate those 2 things with girl-friend-ism, dig?
I understand having reservations - i advise you to look closely at you're motives...and what you're actually bargining for...
-A
I cant say if you're an alcohic, only you can.
you said>> I was never a problem drinker until I mixed meds with a sour relationship. Without meds i was good. With meds and no bad relationship I was good. It seems like simple logic. <<
can I ask you, are you going off of the meds?
Listen, S, if you can take it or leave it, why not just leave it alone?
I think the question isnt nevessirily one of control, ...There is a saying in aa. If you keep doing what you did, you'ww keep getting what you got...
Why are you considering rolling the dice on this, mixing psyche meds /booze??
raging out in the dressing room, blackout.... Those are charecteristics of alcoholism...Not likely most people relate those 2 things with girl-friend-ism, dig?
I understand having reservations - i advise you to look closely at you're motives...and what you're actually bargining for...
-A
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
Absolutely - stay sober - that blackout rage terrible experience WILL happen again if you don't.
Guaranteed. Don't throw your life away.
Keep stopped, and keep the meds and I hope you meet someone nice.
Guaranteed. Don't throw your life away.
Keep stopped, and keep the meds and I hope you meet someone nice.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Oil City, PA
Posts: 30
ditto what carol and cathy said. don't drink. i also agree with aa vark, check your motives. my question is if things are so great without, why do you want to go back? I could relate a lot to your story because i'm bi-polar too and it wasn't until i put down the drink and drug that the symptoms were severe enought for me to get help. drugs and alcohol didn't cause my bi-polar, just masked the symptoms. that was my experiance. i wish you well.
love and prayers,
ladybug little
love and prayers,
ladybug little
Living and Loving.
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Saratoga, California
Posts: 475
Hey sinner,
Yup, can't tell you if you are an alcoholic or not. Only you can. You can take a online test to see if you have characteristics of an alcoholic - but again - only you can truly label yourself an alcoholic.
Course, I don't have to tell you that drinking alcohol (which is a depressant) won't help your bi-polar mood shifts. Most likely it exacerbates it.
Most people who don't have any problems with alcohol don't ask themselves questions. It just isn't an issue in their life. So if you are asking these questions then I suspect you do have some form of problem - only you can delve deeper and figure out the nature of your problem.
Hang out... bounce your thoughts off these folks. Good advice here and some really good people.
Suga
Yup, can't tell you if you are an alcoholic or not. Only you can. You can take a online test to see if you have characteristics of an alcoholic - but again - only you can truly label yourself an alcoholic.
Course, I don't have to tell you that drinking alcohol (which is a depressant) won't help your bi-polar mood shifts. Most likely it exacerbates it.
Most people who don't have any problems with alcohol don't ask themselves questions. It just isn't an issue in their life. So if you are asking these questions then I suspect you do have some form of problem - only you can delve deeper and figure out the nature of your problem.
Hang out... bounce your thoughts off these folks. Good advice here and some really good people.
Suga
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Montana
Posts: 50
Wow sinner that was quite a share.. It might help you a little to read what you wrote.. I found some rather bizare thoughts going on there ( smile ). Its not for me to say your alcoholic or not.. Nor is it for me to give advice as to if you should drink again or not. Those are your desisions to make.
Being an alcoholic I can only share along those lines. As someone else said.. Normal people who drink but are not alcoholic don't have a problem.. They can have a few with no problems, quit with no problem etc... I doubt many would have rather crazy thoughts of mixing booze with the meds your on or with the other disorders you have.. I would hope you would think about what your considering. Is that normal thinking??
I have known a few alcoholics who stayed dry for long periods of time without a program so please consider that doing this really has nothing to do with if you may or may not be alcoholic. Nor does what you drink, when you drink, how much you drink... Simply put: If booze causes us problems then we have a problem..
My very best to you and I hope you find the answers you seek.
Linda C.
Sober since 5/23/80
Being an alcoholic I can only share along those lines. As someone else said.. Normal people who drink but are not alcoholic don't have a problem.. They can have a few with no problems, quit with no problem etc... I doubt many would have rather crazy thoughts of mixing booze with the meds your on or with the other disorders you have.. I would hope you would think about what your considering. Is that normal thinking??
I have known a few alcoholics who stayed dry for long periods of time without a program so please consider that doing this really has nothing to do with if you may or may not be alcoholic. Nor does what you drink, when you drink, how much you drink... Simply put: If booze causes us problems then we have a problem..
My very best to you and I hope you find the answers you seek.
Linda C.
Sober since 5/23/80
body ~ mind ~ spirit
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Geelong, Australia
Posts: 582
I think that if I tried to drink again now that I would find that my body would react to it in much the same time as last time I drank. I don't think that I can undo the things that my body has already experienced and it remembers. So I really don't think that I can drink in any way differently now to my last time. I have come so far with being sober now that I really wouldn't gamble with it, the risk for me is too great. I never want to experience the things that I did when I drank again.
I am better than that, and I need to look after myself. I have found that it is far too easy to change my outlook on life when I screw with my basic health. And I have also found that there is more to this than just being sober, I have had to learn about myself. This process takes time and it is ongoing for me, it builds on the sober foundation. It is enough in life to cope with all the stuff around me without tossing my old problems back into the mix.
I hope you choose not to tempt fate and be happy with what you have achieved in life so far. Sounds like you have a lot to look after and be grateful for.
love brigid
I am better than that, and I need to look after myself. I have found that it is far too easy to change my outlook on life when I screw with my basic health. And I have also found that there is more to this than just being sober, I have had to learn about myself. This process takes time and it is ongoing for me, it builds on the sober foundation. It is enough in life to cope with all the stuff around me without tossing my old problems back into the mix.
I hope you choose not to tempt fate and be happy with what you have achieved in life so far. Sounds like you have a lot to look after and be grateful for.
love brigid
Life is what you make it!
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: The boonies, Wisconsin
Posts: 43
Welcome to SR! Boy can I relate to ALOT of your story. Except the bar part...I have been too scared to go to a bar since I've been sober...but that's just me. As far as wondering if you are an alcoholic, I've been told if you're wondering, there's probably a problem. People who don't have issues with alcohol don't wonder if they do. It makes perfect sense to me. But I KNOW I'm an alcoholic. If what you're doing is making you happy and keeping you satified, why drink? Whenever I've added alcohol to a situation, it has never made things better...most of the time, worse. Congrats on 7 months and 28 days! Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4
OK, I'm going to jump in here and challenge some of your beliefs. It's not my intention to come off as callous, nor uppity. Please forgive me in advance if it comes off that way.
I was asked to stop drinking because it was the only tangible thing I could do at the time to have control over my life and my head. I couldn't control my reactions to anything else in my life so I stood solid on one thing that I could control.
Again, I never had any problems associated with drinking emotionally, physically or otherwise. Ot wasn't until the combination of a foul, soul draining relationship came into play along with meds that spelled bad news when mixing with too much booze.
I didn't go into this to even quit drinking altogether. I wanted to take a short break to re-evaluate my situations and deal with this depression through a sober mind. The only reason I haven't drank again was because I was worried about letting down my family and friends and plus, it was like a challenge to see how long I could go.
It often seems that people involved in AA and other recovery programs are so eager to want others to be with them and a part of them to make them feel more normal, to feel better about their situation that there are so many others out there with a problem. And I think it kills them to see someone they thought they had in their mits to slip away back into a normal life. Instead of giving rational comments to a situation they can only comment through these false rose colored glasses through which they now see.
At this point you may say that I'm saying this because I don't like the response I'm getting. That's not the case at all. I figured this is what I'd hear. I guess I'm just disappointed that there aren't more realists in here that are able to look at the big picture instead of the edited, guarded version allowed them by their recovery process.
I also don't believe there are addicts. There are just those that give up and give in easier than others. You might say this is what makes them addicts but I say this is what makes them weak.
Maybe it's this mindset that doesn't necessarily welcome me into too many discussions with people in programs.
Anyway, thanks again for the comments and the open welcome.
I was asked to stop drinking because it was the only tangible thing I could do at the time to have control over my life and my head. I couldn't control my reactions to anything else in my life so I stood solid on one thing that I could control.
Again, I never had any problems associated with drinking emotionally, physically or otherwise. Ot wasn't until the combination of a foul, soul draining relationship came into play along with meds that spelled bad news when mixing with too much booze.
I didn't go into this to even quit drinking altogether. I wanted to take a short break to re-evaluate my situations and deal with this depression through a sober mind. The only reason I haven't drank again was because I was worried about letting down my family and friends and plus, it was like a challenge to see how long I could go.
It often seems that people involved in AA and other recovery programs are so eager to want others to be with them and a part of them to make them feel more normal, to feel better about their situation that there are so many others out there with a problem. And I think it kills them to see someone they thought they had in their mits to slip away back into a normal life. Instead of giving rational comments to a situation they can only comment through these false rose colored glasses through which they now see.
At this point you may say that I'm saying this because I don't like the response I'm getting. That's not the case at all. I figured this is what I'd hear. I guess I'm just disappointed that there aren't more realists in here that are able to look at the big picture instead of the edited, guarded version allowed them by their recovery process.
I also don't believe there are addicts. There are just those that give up and give in easier than others. You might say this is what makes them addicts but I say this is what makes them weak.
Maybe it's this mindset that doesn't necessarily welcome me into too many discussions with people in programs.
Anyway, thanks again for the comments and the open welcome.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Toronto
Posts: 98
Hi Sinner. I am also not an AA member or a member of any drug or alcohol program. I have seen a zillion people who had problem drinking try controlled drining and all but a few failed miserably.
It is clear from your posts that many parts of your life improved by quitting drinking, although it maybe possible you have other issues to work on as well? Is there one single thing in your life that would improve from drinking? My guess is no. If you are wrong and you are unable to control your drinking, then what? It is tough enough to quit once never mind twice. I get the impression from your sig "Sinner" that you have done things that your not proud off, maybe some of those things you did while drunk or while alcohol was in your system? Do you want to risk what you have gained by trying controlled drinking? Personally I don't think it is worth it.
Feel free to read my posts on this board you will see I am not an AA Nazi, not even a member of AA.
It is clear from your posts that many parts of your life improved by quitting drinking, although it maybe possible you have other issues to work on as well? Is there one single thing in your life that would improve from drinking? My guess is no. If you are wrong and you are unable to control your drinking, then what? It is tough enough to quit once never mind twice. I get the impression from your sig "Sinner" that you have done things that your not proud off, maybe some of those things you did while drunk or while alcohol was in your system? Do you want to risk what you have gained by trying controlled drinking? Personally I don't think it is worth it.
Feel free to read my posts on this board you will see I am not an AA Nazi, not even a member of AA.
body ~ mind ~ spirit
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Geelong, Australia
Posts: 582
Umm, me no AA nazi either! Been to 4 meetings in 8 years. I like the sharing and talking stuff though. No harm ever in talking about issues.
I just see my life now, my life then, my life into the future. Well I know that for me taking a toxin out of my life has improved my life. Now I focus on trying to keep as much toxic stuff out of my body and mind as possible. Life just keeps getting better.
But if you feel it necessary to add that toxin back into your body at this stage, you go for it. I hope that it really isn't a problem for you!!
But I think that alcohol is a poison ... is it technically a poison? Anyway it takes a hell of a lot of work for the liver to break it down, and our livers are overworked trying to keep our bodies clean these days, what with medications, junk food, processed food, pesticides, herbicides, fly sprays, deodorants, pollution etc. etc.
Best,
love brigid
I just see my life now, my life then, my life into the future. Well I know that for me taking a toxin out of my life has improved my life. Now I focus on trying to keep as much toxic stuff out of my body and mind as possible. Life just keeps getting better.
But if you feel it necessary to add that toxin back into your body at this stage, you go for it. I hope that it really isn't a problem for you!!
But I think that alcohol is a poison ... is it technically a poison? Anyway it takes a hell of a lot of work for the liver to break it down, and our livers are overworked trying to keep our bodies clean these days, what with medications, junk food, processed food, pesticides, herbicides, fly sprays, deodorants, pollution etc. etc.
Best,
love brigid
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: los angeles, ca
Posts: 62
Originally Posted by sinner
OK, I'm going to jump in here and challenge some of your beliefs. It's not my intention to come off as callous, nor uppity. Please forgive me in advance if it comes off that way.
I was asked to stop drinking because it was the only tangible thing I could do at the time to have control over my life and my head. I couldn't control my reactions to anything else in my life so I stood solid on one thing that I could control.
Again, I never had any problems associated with drinking emotionally, physically or otherwise. Ot wasn't until the combination of a foul, soul draining relationship came into play along with meds that spelled bad news when mixing with too much booze.
I didn't go into this to even quit drinking altogether. I wanted to take a short break to re-evaluate my situations and deal with this depression through a sober mind. The only reason I haven't drank again was because I was worried about letting down my family and friends and plus, it was like a challenge to see how long I could go.
It often seems that people involved in AA and other recovery programs are so eager to want others to be with them and a part of them to make them feel more normal, to feel better about their situation that there are so many others out there with a problem. And I think it kills them to see someone they thought they had in their mits to slip away back into a normal life. Instead of giving rational comments to a situation they can only comment through these false rose colored glasses through which they now see.
At this point you may say that I'm saying this because I don't like the response I'm getting. That's not the case at all. I figured this is what I'd hear. I guess I'm just disappointed that there aren't more realists in here that are able to look at the big picture instead of the edited, guarded version allowed them by their recovery process.
I also don't believe there are addicts. There are just those that give up and give in easier than others. You might say this is what makes them addicts but I say this is what makes them weak.
Maybe it's this mindset that doesn't necessarily welcome me into too many discussions with people in programs.
Anyway, thanks again for the comments and the open welcome.
I was asked to stop drinking because it was the only tangible thing I could do at the time to have control over my life and my head. I couldn't control my reactions to anything else in my life so I stood solid on one thing that I could control.
Again, I never had any problems associated with drinking emotionally, physically or otherwise. Ot wasn't until the combination of a foul, soul draining relationship came into play along with meds that spelled bad news when mixing with too much booze.
I didn't go into this to even quit drinking altogether. I wanted to take a short break to re-evaluate my situations and deal with this depression through a sober mind. The only reason I haven't drank again was because I was worried about letting down my family and friends and plus, it was like a challenge to see how long I could go.
It often seems that people involved in AA and other recovery programs are so eager to want others to be with them and a part of them to make them feel more normal, to feel better about their situation that there are so many others out there with a problem. And I think it kills them to see someone they thought they had in their mits to slip away back into a normal life. Instead of giving rational comments to a situation they can only comment through these false rose colored glasses through which they now see.
At this point you may say that I'm saying this because I don't like the response I'm getting. That's not the case at all. I figured this is what I'd hear. I guess I'm just disappointed that there aren't more realists in here that are able to look at the big picture instead of the edited, guarded version allowed them by their recovery process.
I also don't believe there are addicts. There are just those that give up and give in easier than others. You might say this is what makes them addicts but I say this is what makes them weak.
Maybe it's this mindset that doesn't necessarily welcome me into too many discussions with people in programs.
Anyway, thanks again for the comments and the open welcome.
I'm not in AA but it helps lots of people are so keep an open mind. I don't know what you mean by "realists". Would I be a realist by telling you that you are in denial and rationalizing away your drinking. What do you gain by drinking? If you are not doing it for yourself then you'll never stay quit. I consider an addict quite simply someone who can't go without something. To call one weak is an oversimplification. Saying that they gave up suggests there is some sort of lifestyle to live up too that they can't handle. You need to evaluate what you think is normal, and important to you. But if you are still taking meds for depression and the alcohol doesn't mix, then you can't drink. I hope I'm not speaking out of line. Seems like some of the sloganeering here may be bothering you. That's ok. But remember everyone here means well and they are are here for one thing, to stay sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Taiman
It is clear from your posts that many parts of your life improved by quitting drinking,
Originally Posted by Taiman
If you are wrong and you are unable to control your drinking, then what? It is tough enough to quit once never mind twice
Originally Posted by Taiman
I get the impression from your sig "Sinner" that you have done things that your not proud off, maybe some of those things you did while drunk or while alcohol was in your system? Do you want to risk what you have gained by trying controlled drinking?
As far as risking what I've gained...
I haven't gained anything but a deeper understanding of myself and my powers of will. I'll never loose that because it's a part of me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: some where / no where
Posts: 1,019
Hey Sinner,
I can really relate to alot of your story. I have a history of mental "issues", undiagnosed...but very real. I've also played in touring bands, and spend alot of time in bars (sober now).
I am a self proclaimed alcoholic. I go to AA everyday. I was a blackout drinker, and I'd get a high score on any "alcoholic" screening test...whatever.
It would be easy for me to give the same advice others gave you. If I were you, I'd probably play it safe and stay away from drinking....but I'm not you, and not everyone is like me.
From what I read here....you might not be done with drinking. You very well might not be an alcoholic. As you said, it could be the meds, the bad relationship...and just a bad mix of circumstances. I think you might want to do some experiments and some research. Either you arn't an alcoholic, or you're in denial. That's the bottom line.
My advice then, for you, is be cautious with what ever you decide to do. Again, for me, I think I'd stay dry for a little longer....at least a year or so. You've gained alot from this "dry" period. It'd be a shame to go right down the proverbial toilet.
However, only you can decide if you are an alcoholic. The best way to find out is to start drinking again, and see what happens. I think it might keep bugging you if you don't find out for sure.... Perhaps some experimentation will help you. History is not on the side of you discovering that you don't have a problem. I think alot of people would be really surprised if you started drinking again....and found that everything was "normal", "good" and/or "better than sober".
peace,
chip
I can really relate to alot of your story. I have a history of mental "issues", undiagnosed...but very real. I've also played in touring bands, and spend alot of time in bars (sober now).
I am a self proclaimed alcoholic. I go to AA everyday. I was a blackout drinker, and I'd get a high score on any "alcoholic" screening test...whatever.
It would be easy for me to give the same advice others gave you. If I were you, I'd probably play it safe and stay away from drinking....but I'm not you, and not everyone is like me.
From what I read here....you might not be done with drinking. You very well might not be an alcoholic. As you said, it could be the meds, the bad relationship...and just a bad mix of circumstances. I think you might want to do some experiments and some research. Either you arn't an alcoholic, or you're in denial. That's the bottom line.
My advice then, for you, is be cautious with what ever you decide to do. Again, for me, I think I'd stay dry for a little longer....at least a year or so. You've gained alot from this "dry" period. It'd be a shame to go right down the proverbial toilet.
However, only you can decide if you are an alcoholic. The best way to find out is to start drinking again, and see what happens. I think it might keep bugging you if you don't find out for sure.... Perhaps some experimentation will help you. History is not on the side of you discovering that you don't have a problem. I think alot of people would be really surprised if you started drinking again....and found that everything was "normal", "good" and/or "better than sober".
peace,
chip
Living and Loving.
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Saratoga, California
Posts: 475
Originally Posted by sinner
<snip>
...Am I wrong in wanting to drink again? Am I really just an alcoholic trying to justify my drinking?
Thanks for reading. I hope it makes sense.
...Am I wrong in wanting to drink again? Am I really just an alcoholic trying to justify my drinking?
Thanks for reading. I hope it makes sense.
Originally Posted by sinner
OK, I'm going to jump in here and challenge some of your beliefs. It's not my intention to come off as callous, nor uppity. Please forgive me in advance if it comes off that way.
Instead, maybe focus more on your beliefs. If you don't have a problem and your drinking was solely the fault of your ex then if your ex is gone you must be cured - by that logic. By all means, live your life the way you feel you should. But, if you are questioning it, maybe ask yourself why and delve into that to understand it. If not, that's your deal too.
Again, only you can decide for yourself. We can't do it for you - all we can do is offer words on a computer to you - it's up to you what you get from them.
Good luck and keep you as your priority
Suga
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Toronto
Posts: 98
Originally Posted by sinner
Actually, it was through time, therapy and the shoulders of friends and family that my life improved. I was and still am living the life of a "social butterfly" albeit a sober one these last nearly 8 months.
It wasn't hard at all to stop. I made a decision to take a break and I stuck to it. Was it difficult at times seeing all my friends partying it up? Sure, it made me feel somewhat left out. Did I still have a great time 99.9% of the time? Hell yes!
Actually, unless you count the blackout that I detailed in my original post and a few drunken sexual escapades with women of questionable good looks, then no, the things I've done and not proud that make me a sinner are deeper sins not of a hedonistic nature.
As far as risking what I've gained...
I haven't gained anything but a deeper understanding of myself and my powers of will. I'll never loose that because it's a part of me.
It wasn't hard at all to stop. I made a decision to take a break and I stuck to it. Was it difficult at times seeing all my friends partying it up? Sure, it made me feel somewhat left out. Did I still have a great time 99.9% of the time? Hell yes!
Actually, unless you count the blackout that I detailed in my original post and a few drunken sexual escapades with women of questionable good looks, then no, the things I've done and not proud that make me a sinner are deeper sins not of a hedonistic nature.
As far as risking what I've gained...
I haven't gained anything but a deeper understanding of myself and my powers of will. I'll never loose that because it's a part of me.
body ~ mind ~ spirit
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Geelong, Australia
Posts: 582
Originally Posted by sinner
Actually, it was through time, therapy and the shoulders of friends and family that my life improved. I was and still am living the life of a "social butterfly" albeit a sober one these last nearly 8 months.
Don't worry about challenging our thoughts sinner. Our thoughts are challenged continuously by ourselves and other people, that is part of life. No problem.
When I was drinking I had a few questionable drunken escapades with men of questionable good looks too. That is something I would prefer to try and forget, remember trying to eat my arm off a few times. Yuk. I know for me that this behaviour was part of my insecurity in that area, won't go into details but there are/were problems for me there. Taking alcohol out of the equation has helped me work these things out. But it took longer than a few months to do that. Anyway I know when I started drinking again (I relapsed at one point) that this problem of mine resurfaced, nothing I could do about it, back to the same old, same old.
If you decide to drink again be vigilant, try to be an unbiased observer. Alcohol has a way of making my mind justify things that I would normally not do, in a sober state of mind. Look out for it. I don't think "normal" or "moderate" drinkers do things that are embarassing to them when drunk.
love brigid
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