IAHawk23

Hey, I'm 19 years old and in college and new to this website. I'm not an alcoholic....at least as I define the term I don't believe I'm an alcoholic...but I've been very scared as of late of my drinking behavior...I was hoping to start this topic to see if anyone has gone through a similiar experience and can either relate to me or tell me how to handle this type of situation...

I stopped blacking out on Nov. 11th, 2005. That night I played strip poker with a girl other then my girlfriend and it really hit home when I had to tell her that and deal with the consequences. Needless to say I have not gotten that drunk since.

Here's the problem however. I keep making up thoughts in my head...even if I know them not to be true that I did something more with that girl. I make up these thoughts in my head that we had sex and I begin to convince myself of this even if I know deep in the back of myu head that this isnt true. This problem has led to other things...Now I have this lingering guilty feeling that wont go away...I've started to convince myself that I've committed crimes and done horrible things when I've been blacked out...and I cant get these feelings to go away...I even have started to see a psychologist....

If anyone can relate...please post...I feel like I'm alone in this and there is nowhere for me to go...its the past Im worried about...not my future...I know that I will never be that heavy of a drinker again...but I continually worry about my past...will I ever get over this?

-Scared Drunk

FriendofBill

Hi IA....

Welcome to SR!

Im not alcoholic, so dont think I can give much insight to you on that end. I can say that if you have any concerns that your drinking is problematic, this is a good place to get them out. There are lots of people here who can identify with whats going on with you.

You are NOT alone, you are not the only one to have these concerns and fears. There will be people coming along to reply to your post, so be patient.

For the moment, my suggestion would be to NOT say anything to yuor g-f, until yo have had time to sort out these distorted thoughts. No need to get her upset and rattled when you dont have any clarity. Seeing a therapist is a wonderful step for you. It will help, just give it time.

Hang on, hang out and ask questions and post your thoughts here. People will be more than willing to guide you.

Keep coming back!

CarolD

Hi....

I did not have false memories so I have no ideas

I do think you are wise to seek a medical opinion.

Good Luck...

chip

IAHAWK-
Guilt is tough to deal with. We have guilt to help us do the right things instead of the wrong things. If we try and do the right things, we eliminate guilt from our lives.

I can relate. I've done all kinds of things while blacked out. Before I quit drinking, I had trouble "remembering" what really happened etc.. the night before. Often, I'd confuse dreams/nightmares with reality. Sometimes, I didn't know if I really did something I remembered doing.

I'm an alcoholic. I'm so glad I stopped drinking, and I no longer suffer from the guilt I had about my blackouts. The only advice I have for you is to stop drinking to the point of blacking out, and try and do the right things you should be doing with your life. Cheating on your girlfriend is not the right thing to be doing. I think if you were sober, you'd have an easier time judging right from wrong.
chip

Justme57

my name is Lee and I AM an alcoholic .

I did not call them "blackouts" before I got to AA, I thought I drank to help me sleep, not so.

I did not have "false " memories, but I did have flashbacks of what I had done, and the brain drain I experienced trying to remember what happened was aweful. I drove my car in a blackout, and had an accident, luckily no one was killed, or hurt, but I COULD have come to, to find I had killed someone.I heard a man share at a meeting that he killed ( knifed) someone in a blackout, he was in jail, with no memory of his crime at all. Talk about guilt

IF you are an alcoholic and you continue to drink , it WILL get worse , I promise you

I would discuss your options with your Doctor , honestly

HUGX
lee

brigid

I got blackouts when I was drinking. I have been told you could see me change. I watched that same behaviour in my alcoholic mum. I have read that blackouts are indicative of an alcoholic. That behaviour along with a few others are what define me as an alcoholic. I found "Are you an alcoholic" pamphlets and honestly tried answering the questions, then I had to accept the answer. Believe me, accepting the answer was very difficult to do. When I did, life became easier, because from everything else I have read there really is only one solution to being an alcoholic and that is not having that first drink.

I don't remember making up things about what I did when I was drinking, but there were so many times that I had NO IDEA about what I did do that I did imagine what I may have done.

Glad to have that out of my life! Now I know exactly what I have done, I am in complete control of myself 24/7 ... that is a huge relief.

I hope you find the same relief in your life.

love brigid

chip

For me, I'd often wake up with my car in the driveway...wondering how the h*ll I got home....knowing I probably drove it. I've checked for damage and/or blood, and I'm thankful I've never hurt anybody.

I had my first "scary" black-out experience when I was your age, IAHAWK23. I wish I quit drinking then....... It doesn't get better. It's like the brakes on your car; when they start squeaking, they NEVER fix themselves or improve. As you continue to drive with worn out brake pads, you do more damage to the car...and could eventually have an accident.
chip

confused2

I am new to this too -hopefully we can both find the help we need! My problem is that I would blackout from drinking too much (not everytime) & my entire pesonality would change...my b/f was the only one who saw this happen because it was him I would always get mean to, I would say such nasty, disrespectful things to him. I love him, I want to spend my life with him, so why would I do that? Well, guess what - I don't even remember saying these awful things to him. He broke up with me this weekend because you guessed it, I had another blackout & said mean, awful things to him, that makes about 7 times in the past year I've done this. I don't think I'm an alcoholic either, but is that normal drinking behavior - NO. Making me think twice.

I can't help you with the guilt of the past, except to say that we all have guilt from our pasts that we have to deal with. I have often thought of seeing someone professional, but never have, so good for you! I can say that the guilt gets worse when I drink, as does my temperment at times, so maybe we should both just try to lay off the alcohol & "clear our heads".

Don't let drinking in any way affect your relationship with your gf or you will be in the same boat I am - mending a broken heart.

Good Luck to you!

Sugasnaps

Welcome IAHawk and confused2!

Chip is right... it doesn't get any better. Once I started blacking out it only got worse. Ugh. It really is scary as hell. What is scarier is when you start to get "used" to it. Don't go there. It was a dark lonely place for me and I don't wish that upon anyone. You can do it.

Suga

brigid

IAHAWK and confused2, convince yourselves that you have no control over alcohol and let it go for good. Life gets better after this, NOT before this. In my life there have been times when life has been better and that as I remember it were times when I couldn't drink, like when I was pregnant. But on the whole, life has gradually and insidiuosly gone down the proverbial toilet whilst I did not put alcohol in its right place for me. That place is down the sink and out the window.

Once you admit to NOT being able to control alcohol, then it is time to work out how you really want life to be. Now that is the fun stuff, you gain a life worth living and protecting. Imagine wanting to protect yourself, look after yourself, do the right thing by yourself, imagine loving yourself enough to really know yourself.

It can be a good life if you let it.

love brigid

chip

IAHAWK and confused2,

Think of it like this: There's a slight chance that you may not be alcoholic. However, drinking is causing you problems and grief. Wouldn't it be best to play it safe and not drink? The best solution to your problems is indisputable: Quit Drinking. It gets worse. It gets really, really bad. I can't say it enough...If you are having problems because of black-outs, then QUIT DRINKING! Booze controls your life if it gets you to the point where you are helpless over it.

I know a fellow who went to jail because he turned "mean" in his blackouts. If he stopped drinking when he first discovered he had a problem, his life would have been so different. I'm sorry about your loss of you BF, confused2. You should take it as a sign, and stop drinking.

Several times, my wife has woken up with me beside her in bed....with blood all over my face. When I look in the mirror, I can count scars on my face which came from "black out" events....God only knows what. If I kept drinking, I'm sure my eventual cause of death would be "mis-adventure". I'm so thankful that I havn't really hurt anybody....as far as I know. I'm still in denial about some of the things I may have done, for real. It will be very tough for me when I reach my step 4 and 5 of my 12 step program...and deal with the carniage of my past...wreckage caused by drinking.

Alcoholics are like tornados...tearing through peoples lives and destroying everything.
chip

skinner

I was 17 when I began drinking. I was 18 (and a freshman in college) when I began binge drinking every weekend (beginning Thursday's of course). It was then that I really began having LOTS of blackouts. BUT, I was having LOADS of fun and figured that I wasn't gonna drink like that forever anyway. I figured I was young and it was my time in life to just let loose and have fun.

Ok, fast forward to age 34.....hmmmmmm..........well, lets see.........I was STILL binging a LOT, only difference was I blacked out EVERY time I drank. I also started to get hostile and do things I am VERY ashamed of while in the blackouts. I became someone I didn't like at ALL while drunk. I couldn't control what happened when I would drink. I didn't lose my kids, my home, my job......YET. I did, however, lose a LOT of self respect. I disgusted myself. I didn't have any control. My life had become unmanagable.

A short little fast forward to today.........I am still 34, but 103 days ago I stopped drinking and admitted I am an alcoholic. Has my life instantly become a wonderfully perfect place full of contentment, happiness and joy.......a resounding NO!!! The same problems that I used to drink to forget are still here. Only difference is, now, I don't inflate those problems by being drunk. Through the grace of God (my HP) and AA (my recovery choice), I am learning how to deal with life. Before, I would drink........which helped me forget.........but I always had to "wake up" later and deal with those same issues, and even MORE issues, sometimes, due to my poor behavior while drunk and blacked out. NOW, I still have issues in my life, but I am dealing with them, withOUT alcohol, and ya know what? Those issues are actually getting resolved. I actually don't dread waking up in the morning for fear of facing the consequences of what I may or may NOT have done the night before. I am actually seeing amazing things occurring in my life that I can honestly say I never in ONE MILLION years thought could happen. Are they big huge things.......like instant wealth?........no, of course not. They are little things.......small insignificant things to someone else, but to me.....they are true miracles.

Bottom line, just like Chip said......

Taiman

I didn't make up false memories for my black outs so I can't relate. I did wonder and fear many times what I did during black outs. How did I get home? what did I do? how did I get this cut? When I sobered up I had women come up to me on the street I had no memory of start talking to me, they knew my name and obviously quite a bit about my life. However I think your imagination is getting the best of you and you are mind f*cking yourself, for whatever reason.

If you don't believe you are an alcoholic try a controlled drinking program. If you are successful and able to stick it over a long period of time chances are you're not an alcoholic. If you are unable to engage in controlled drinking you will have to face the fact you need to quit drinking.

Please let us know how things turn out.