I want to be a moderation drinker
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Join Date: Dec 2005
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I checked out the moderation.org website. I'm going to try to go the reccomended 30 days without a drink, then try a glass of wine (maybe). I'm actually afraid of having it though because I'm afraid it will all start again like every other time I tried to detox. I guess that indicates a problem, right? The other problem with it is that it seems to place a focus on controling alcohol by paying close attention to it all the time. But that seems to only feed the obsession of thinking about alcohol all the time. 
We have so many heavy drinking friends that I just don't know what I'll do or how to behave when we get together. For now I don't have to worry since we won't see anyone until summer (we're living in France currently), but what then? I used to be the party queen and now I'll be the party downer. We used to think negatively about the people that didn't drink and usually avoided becoming friends with them because they were boring. I'm not looking forward to even seeing anyone in a social situation, because everyone will be self conscious or act weird toward me and everyone will have an uncomfortable time. You can't even suggest doing something non-alcohol related because that just doesn't happen among my friends. It seems strange to come back to the same friends and yet be a completely different person, the new boring friend, great.
Sorry to be a such a whiner. I'm just depressed because I don't know what the future looks like being sober all the time. It doesn't sound good right now. But I guess neither does being drunk all the time. uuugghh
We have so many heavy drinking friends that I just don't know what I'll do or how to behave when we get together. For now I don't have to worry since we won't see anyone until summer (we're living in France currently), but what then? I used to be the party queen and now I'll be the party downer. We used to think negatively about the people that didn't drink and usually avoided becoming friends with them because they were boring. I'm not looking forward to even seeing anyone in a social situation, because everyone will be self conscious or act weird toward me and everyone will have an uncomfortable time. You can't even suggest doing something non-alcohol related because that just doesn't happen among my friends. It seems strange to come back to the same friends and yet be a completely different person, the new boring friend, great.
Sorry to be a such a whiner. I'm just depressed because I don't know what the future looks like being sober all the time. It doesn't sound good right now. But I guess neither does being drunk all the time. uuugghh
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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Well, I think that starting into recovery means changing things. And, sometimes that even means changing people you see and things you do. I did whatever I needed to do to get and stay sober. But, it isn't easy. And, the obsessing thing. Omigosh, I have to say I had no idea the joy that would fill my life when I stopped thinking about alcohol 24/7. Don't think about 'forever'. It truly is overwhelming, just take small steps.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Originally Posted by winelover
I checked out the moderation.org website. I'm going to try to go the reccomended 30 days without a drink, then try a glass of wine (maybe). I'm actually afraid of having it though because I'm afraid it will all start again like every other time I tried to detox. I guess that indicates a problem, right? The other problem with it is that it seems to place a focus on controling alcohol by paying close attention to it all the time. But that seems to only feed the obsession of thinking about alcohol all the time.
You're showing real good awareness of what seems to be going on in your relationship with alcohol.
That's very positive.
In what region of France is St-Cloud located exactly?
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St Cloud is a western suburb of Paris. I know there are AA meetings at the American Church in Paris but I don't think it's possible for me to ever go. I don't really even want to get involved with AA. I hope I can just tackle this on my own. With all your support here at SR it just might be possible. Thanks again for caring.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 32
I have no information to base what I am about to say on other than my own personal experience. However, I do personally believe that not everyone who has been an alcoholic will always be so and that some can return to moderate drinking. Many years ago I investigated this and have since forgotten any references to give you!
When I was 21 I was drinking so much that when I stopped I developed the DTs when I stopped. I wanted to spend as much of the day unconscious as possible. After a few more months of constant drinking I eventually stopped. For about another year I binged on occaison.
Then I reached a point where even a pint would make me violently ill. This happened several times and I began to wonder whether I had damaged my liver. The constant vomiting after one drink acted as aversion therapy for me to the point where the thought of drinking made me feel sick. Eventually I was able to have a drink without this occurring, and then I spent 2 years without drinking anything. In that time I have personally changed - my personality is completely different, I am better able to deal with my life. About 18 months ago I started drinking again - in moderation (I drink below the recommended limit for the week) without any problems. I never get drunk and I avoid it because it turns out I don't actually like the feeling of closing my eyes and the room continuing to spin.
So, from my personal experience, I would say that if you want to be a moderate drinker you first have to be a non-drinker for a long period of time. And you have to deal with whatever issues it is that makes you want to drink. And then you need to be vigalent and aware of your own behaviour and signs of the triggers that make you want to drink to excess. I still have the potential to become an alcoholic again which is why I have started visiting here.
When I was 21 I was drinking so much that when I stopped I developed the DTs when I stopped. I wanted to spend as much of the day unconscious as possible. After a few more months of constant drinking I eventually stopped. For about another year I binged on occaison.
Then I reached a point where even a pint would make me violently ill. This happened several times and I began to wonder whether I had damaged my liver. The constant vomiting after one drink acted as aversion therapy for me to the point where the thought of drinking made me feel sick. Eventually I was able to have a drink without this occurring, and then I spent 2 years without drinking anything. In that time I have personally changed - my personality is completely different, I am better able to deal with my life. About 18 months ago I started drinking again - in moderation (I drink below the recommended limit for the week) without any problems. I never get drunk and I avoid it because it turns out I don't actually like the feeling of closing my eyes and the room continuing to spin.
So, from my personal experience, I would say that if you want to be a moderate drinker you first have to be a non-drinker for a long period of time. And you have to deal with whatever issues it is that makes you want to drink. And then you need to be vigalent and aware of your own behaviour and signs of the triggers that make you want to drink to excess. I still have the potential to become an alcoholic again which is why I have started visiting here.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 305
Winelover, I came here a few days ago, saying that's it, it is much easier to just stop and let it go, then to try to control it. Then someone posted that Moderation.org post and I thought, mmmmm. In any event, the site is there but for now I have decided that abstinence is the best policy for me for at least a month! Then, maybe I will read about moderation. As of today, it is definitely not an option. Too early in the game and the pain to say that I will ever have the ability to control it.
In the future, I hope I would be able to like you said, be able to have a drink with my husband normally! He can do it, he is my hero! He tells me the same thing about this journey I'm on too.
I think you should like someone said above, detox your body. Let it go for a while with us, with me. We'll see how it goes. No matter what, while we're here, we are definitely on the right track!
In the future, I hope I would be able to like you said, be able to have a drink with my husband normally! He can do it, he is my hero! He tells me the same thing about this journey I'm on too.
I think you should like someone said above, detox your body. Let it go for a while with us, with me. We'll see how it goes. No matter what, while we're here, we are definitely on the right track!
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: London
Posts: 1,229
What have you got to loose? Man, its just booze.
Life is incredible sober. It really is. The positives outweigh the negatives a hundred times over.
I know in my gut that I cannot drink just a little bit!
Life is incredible sober. It really is. The positives outweigh the negatives a hundred times over.
I know in my gut that I cannot drink just a little bit!
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Etimee,
How many days have you made it without a drink? Are you getting close to your 1 month? It's my day one. At least I haven't had a drink or even the urge to drink. I've filled it with SR (about 4 hours online!) so I guess I just replace one obsession with another.
How many days have you made it without a drink? Are you getting close to your 1 month? It's my day one. At least I haven't had a drink or even the urge to drink. I've filled it with SR (about 4 hours online!) so I guess I just replace one obsession with another.
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: London
Posts: 1,229
Originally Posted by winelover
Etimee,
How many days have you made it without a drink? Are you getting close to your 1 month? It's my day one. At least I haven't had a drink or even the urge to drink. I've filled it with SR (about 4 hours online!) so I guess I just replace one obsession with another.
How many days have you made it without a drink? Are you getting close to your 1 month? It's my day one. At least I haven't had a drink or even the urge to drink. I've filled it with SR (about 4 hours online!) so I guess I just replace one obsession with another.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
This is an awesome thread.
I get such a charge out of seeing new members exchanging thoughts and hopes and fears. Etimee, winelover, and others, thank you.
Your stories are invaluable.
Back to the topic...
Moderation for me is impossible.
It may take an evening, or a week.
But invariably, consuming alcohol will lead me to insane behavior, from the relatively mild to the grossly dangerous.
I sobered up, abstinent, and relatively happy, for fifteen months.
Then I drank again.
It wasn't long before the taste of my own vomit became a normal occurrence, that I didn't even notice, really.
I get such a charge out of seeing new members exchanging thoughts and hopes and fears. Etimee, winelover, and others, thank you.
Your stories are invaluable.
Back to the topic...
Moderation for me is impossible.
It may take an evening, or a week.
But invariably, consuming alcohol will lead me to insane behavior, from the relatively mild to the grossly dangerous.
I sobered up, abstinent, and relatively happy, for fifteen months.
Then I drank again.
It wasn't long before the taste of my own vomit became a normal occurrence, that I didn't even notice, really.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 782
Originally Posted by winelover
Wow!! I feel this way too. It really is amazing to think that there are people out there that feel as messed up in the head as I feel. I just think I'm crazy most of the time. It's comforting to know I'm not alone.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Originally Posted by igfan
I keep telling myself that i will not get drunk tonight, but then it just happens.
But it doesn't just happen, igfan.
It took me a couple thousand nights, and then twice that, to realize I got drunk because I chose to do it.
If you're comfortable with calling alcoholism a disease, then it's the only one I know of that makes you think you don't have one.
I drank because I was broken inside, below the visible, you know...
The bottles weren't the problem.
Not one second.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
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Dear Winelover,
I'm a winelover too, but it stopped loving me back so we ended the relationship.
I grew up in Europe, and I had convinced myself that wine is not alcoholic, it is a food. I moderated my consumption of wine and believed I was doing this for my health, and I was successful doing this for about 10 years. When I came to the end of the moderate drinking phase, I became very disappointed in myself and in wine. For about a year, I could see how I was putting wine into EVERY situation, before and after dinner, before and after work, before friends, before family, before my own health, and I started to see my attitudes get worse and worse.
I had a best friend, a woman that I traveled with and with whom I enjoyed great conversations. She also drank wine the way I did, and soon we were laughing about how "alcoholic" we had become. We shared our escapades with levity. Usually over a glass of wine. One day, we both drank an entire bottle the previous night although we had promised to be moderate, we felt horrid, and that next day we agreed to stop, and to "do something about this". We decided to go to AA.
At first abstinence was very hard, but having this friend to talk to about it each day helped. Together went to AA meetings and then we talked in the mornings to check in with each other. We thought of all the good times we had shared, the flavors, the calming influence, the beauty of wine from around the world,etc. Then, we thought of all the time, energy and resources that I spent planning to get more, planning to moderate, planning to replace the bottles from our collection that are irreplaceable....and it hit me that our lives had sucked.
After 21 days, my friend started to talk about how she couldn't see herself NEVER having a glass of vwine ever again, and she gradually rationalized her weay right back to drinking. She had become condescending of AA and the mechanics of their spiritualty. What she had not tried was to do it "ONE DAY AT A TIME".
I wanted to get better. I wanted to be free from the compulsion to drink wine, free from the insanity of drinking. I accepted the concept that it will work if I don't drink for TODAY.
In AA I learned that freedom doesnt come in half measures. How I came to believe this in the state of mind i was in, I don't know.....It must have been a rare window of opportunity.
(Perhaps it was because I had quit smoking cigarettes, 12 years ago. I did not "moderate" my smoking. I quit totally. I recalled the torture that led up to it. Each day: the remorse and plans to really quit, tomorrow. Next day: The cycle of shame and disappointment. Once I quit, and endured the discomfort of that for a short time, I became free of that compulsion. Today, do I ever think of smoking? NO.)
So, the way for me to abstain from wine was and still is to
1. Admit I am powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable
2. Do not drink that first drink, just for today
3.Turn to sober people for support while reestablishing my inner spiritual life, which means that I am actively releasing my role as the director of the world. I ask for help.
My friend went out of my life with the wine, it appears. She will not speak to me. What is interesting about that is how toxic the behaviour is, and how little I am interested in chasing her down to return to my life. Funny.
I am really glad you are here asking for support. Read a few of the threads related to quitting alcohol. Keep posting to tell us how you are doing. You will learn a lot!! This site is instrumental in my recovery.
Best to you,
MC
I'm a winelover too, but it stopped loving me back so we ended the relationship.
I grew up in Europe, and I had convinced myself that wine is not alcoholic, it is a food. I moderated my consumption of wine and believed I was doing this for my health, and I was successful doing this for about 10 years. When I came to the end of the moderate drinking phase, I became very disappointed in myself and in wine. For about a year, I could see how I was putting wine into EVERY situation, before and after dinner, before and after work, before friends, before family, before my own health, and I started to see my attitudes get worse and worse.
I had a best friend, a woman that I traveled with and with whom I enjoyed great conversations. She also drank wine the way I did, and soon we were laughing about how "alcoholic" we had become. We shared our escapades with levity. Usually over a glass of wine. One day, we both drank an entire bottle the previous night although we had promised to be moderate, we felt horrid, and that next day we agreed to stop, and to "do something about this". We decided to go to AA.
At first abstinence was very hard, but having this friend to talk to about it each day helped. Together went to AA meetings and then we talked in the mornings to check in with each other. We thought of all the good times we had shared, the flavors, the calming influence, the beauty of wine from around the world,etc. Then, we thought of all the time, energy and resources that I spent planning to get more, planning to moderate, planning to replace the bottles from our collection that are irreplaceable....and it hit me that our lives had sucked.
After 21 days, my friend started to talk about how she couldn't see herself NEVER having a glass of vwine ever again, and she gradually rationalized her weay right back to drinking. She had become condescending of AA and the mechanics of their spiritualty. What she had not tried was to do it "ONE DAY AT A TIME".
I wanted to get better. I wanted to be free from the compulsion to drink wine, free from the insanity of drinking. I accepted the concept that it will work if I don't drink for TODAY.
In AA I learned that freedom doesnt come in half measures. How I came to believe this in the state of mind i was in, I don't know.....It must have been a rare window of opportunity.
(Perhaps it was because I had quit smoking cigarettes, 12 years ago. I did not "moderate" my smoking. I quit totally. I recalled the torture that led up to it. Each day: the remorse and plans to really quit, tomorrow. Next day: The cycle of shame and disappointment. Once I quit, and endured the discomfort of that for a short time, I became free of that compulsion. Today, do I ever think of smoking? NO.)
So, the way for me to abstain from wine was and still is to
1. Admit I am powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable
2. Do not drink that first drink, just for today
3.Turn to sober people for support while reestablishing my inner spiritual life, which means that I am actively releasing my role as the director of the world. I ask for help.
My friend went out of my life with the wine, it appears. She will not speak to me. What is interesting about that is how toxic the behaviour is, and how little I am interested in chasing her down to return to my life. Funny.
I am really glad you are here asking for support. Read a few of the threads related to quitting alcohol. Keep posting to tell us how you are doing. You will learn a lot!! This site is instrumental in my recovery.
Best to you,
MC
Living and Loving.
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Saratoga, California
Posts: 475
Winelover... you just described me.
Here was my basic process of acceptance.
1. I first had a thought... one I rejected... that I might, just might, have an issue with alcohol. I was drinking - a lot - and found that hey if I drank alone in the middle of the day when no one could see... it was okay. That whole... if a tree falls in the middle of a forest, and no one is around, does it make any sound? If an alcoholic drinks in the middle of the day, and no one is around, does it count?
This initial rejection of the inkling that I *might* have a teensy weensey problem with alcohol lasted a few years.
2. After many blackouts and getting really quite good at covering up the fact that I didn't remember half the **** I did/said/saw the night before... Example: A show on TV I wanted to watch is going to be on... I miss it... I mention to my husband "Oh dang and I wanted to see that!" then my husband blinks and says "Uh, we watched it together last night."
Me: "Ooooh, that's right. We did! ~giggle giggle~ I forgot!" What a dork. After enough of this ******** in my life I realized okay, maybe I really do have a problem. LoL MAYBE? 
3. Sooo I gave up Vodka. Vodka was my problem. I will stop drinking Vodka and swtich to wine. That will make me be normal again.
Now, go back to steps 1, 2 & 3... repeat them only this time I'm drinking Wine.
4. Hmm... okay that didn't work... maybe I really do have a problem. Okay I know, I'll drink only beer. I hate beer anyway so it will be okay and I'll drink normally. wtf did you just read what I typed? I hate beer and in my best logical thinking that was the answer to cure my problem.
Now, go back to steps 1, 2, & 3... repeat them only this time I'm drinking beer.
5. I realize how much I hate beer so I go back to wine... what the hell may as well give it another go... only THIS time... I'll buy a wine refridgerator (that I stocked to FULL capacity) but it will have a lock on it!!! Brilliant!!! I'll give the key to my darling husband who is willing to try anything with me (cuz by this time I had voiced my mild concern with him that I *might* have a problem). Thus, the responsibility to drink responsibly is now in my brave and sober spouse. Surely I'll drink normally now.
Now, go back to steps 1, 2, & 3... repeat them only this time I'm a sneaky sneaky sneaky drinker and while he's not looking I leave the door unlocked after pouring just ONE for the evening and I sneak back to have more. Pretty soon half the bottles in the refridgerator are GONE and filled with WATER so he won't know what a failure I am. Wouldn't want to get busted after all.
6. Now it's Thanksgiving 2005. I have people over and everyone has a GREAT time... wine is flowing and whee I don't have to hide it cuz it's a celebration and everyone is drinking... my FAVORITE thing in the world! Not having to do it alone and hide it! *****O how awesome! Fast forward to the next day... I don't remember much of a wonderful Thanksgiving. I have never been a sloppy drunk, or a mean drunk, or a soupy crying drunk... I have always been a happy drunk... and everyone loves me. CURSE... this is a curse.
Anyways... this all was over the course of many years and the common thread was that I was always chasing after the elusive dream that I could drink normally again. Over the years too, during my discovery I went through the gamut of emotions over the issue of my drinking problem Sad, Mad, Sad, Mad, self pity, self loathing multiplied by a bazillion, mad again, sad again, stomping feet why me again, and finally ended up with slumped shoulders... admitting I am whipped by alcohol, there's nothing I can do about it... I'm powerless against it.
I want to quit.
I'm a big 42 days sober now. It is hard. I am glad I am sober.
~hugs you~ You are me and I love you to death and wish from the depths of my soul that I could take your problem away. I can't.
Hang in there, keep coming back here and posting...
Suga
Here was my basic process of acceptance.
1. I first had a thought... one I rejected... that I might, just might, have an issue with alcohol. I was drinking - a lot - and found that hey if I drank alone in the middle of the day when no one could see... it was okay. That whole... if a tree falls in the middle of a forest, and no one is around, does it make any sound? If an alcoholic drinks in the middle of the day, and no one is around, does it count?
This initial rejection of the inkling that I *might* have a teensy weensey problem with alcohol lasted a few years.2. After many blackouts and getting really quite good at covering up the fact that I didn't remember half the **** I did/said/saw the night before... Example: A show on TV I wanted to watch is going to be on... I miss it... I mention to my husband "Oh dang and I wanted to see that!" then my husband blinks and says "Uh, we watched it together last night."
Me: "Ooooh, that's right. We did! ~giggle giggle~ I forgot!" What a dork. After enough of this ******** in my life I realized okay, maybe I really do have a problem. LoL MAYBE? 3. Sooo I gave up Vodka. Vodka was my problem. I will stop drinking Vodka and swtich to wine. That will make me be normal again.
Now, go back to steps 1, 2 & 3... repeat them only this time I'm drinking Wine.
4. Hmm... okay that didn't work... maybe I really do have a problem. Okay I know, I'll drink only beer. I hate beer anyway so it will be okay and I'll drink normally. wtf did you just read what I typed? I hate beer and in my best logical thinking that was the answer to cure my problem.
Now, go back to steps 1, 2, & 3... repeat them only this time I'm drinking beer.
5. I realize how much I hate beer so I go back to wine... what the hell may as well give it another go... only THIS time... I'll buy a wine refridgerator (that I stocked to FULL capacity) but it will have a lock on it!!! Brilliant!!! I'll give the key to my darling husband who is willing to try anything with me (cuz by this time I had voiced my mild concern with him that I *might* have a problem). Thus, the responsibility to drink responsibly is now in my brave and sober spouse. Surely I'll drink normally now.
Now, go back to steps 1, 2, & 3... repeat them only this time I'm a sneaky sneaky sneaky drinker and while he's not looking I leave the door unlocked after pouring just ONE for the evening and I sneak back to have more. Pretty soon half the bottles in the refridgerator are GONE and filled with WATER so he won't know what a failure I am. Wouldn't want to get busted after all.
6. Now it's Thanksgiving 2005. I have people over and everyone has a GREAT time... wine is flowing and whee I don't have to hide it cuz it's a celebration and everyone is drinking... my FAVORITE thing in the world! Not having to do it alone and hide it! *****O how awesome! Fast forward to the next day... I don't remember much of a wonderful Thanksgiving. I have never been a sloppy drunk, or a mean drunk, or a soupy crying drunk... I have always been a happy drunk... and everyone loves me. CURSE... this is a curse.
Anyways... this all was over the course of many years and the common thread was that I was always chasing after the elusive dream that I could drink normally again. Over the years too, during my discovery I went through the gamut of emotions over the issue of my drinking problem Sad, Mad, Sad, Mad, self pity, self loathing multiplied by a bazillion, mad again, sad again, stomping feet why me again, and finally ended up with slumped shoulders... admitting I am whipped by alcohol, there's nothing I can do about it... I'm powerless against it.
I want to quit.
I'm a big 42 days sober now. It is hard. I am glad I am sober.
~hugs you~ You are me and I love you to death and wish from the depths of my soul that I could take your problem away. I can't.
Hang in there, keep coming back here and posting...
Suga
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in a better place
Posts: 1,406
I'm sad to hear that you lost a best friend. I'm sure I'll have many "friends" like yours. Are you still going to AA meetings? How long have you been without a drink? Are you still struggling with the temptation? What do you do when you attend social situations?
I have to admit, I'd probably have the same attitude about AA as your friend which is why I don't want to go there. I have an alcoholic friend who swears by AA and wears his alcoholism as a badge of honor. It's such a turnoff.
I have to admit, I'd probably have the same attitude about AA as your friend which is why I don't want to go there. I have an alcoholic friend who swears by AA and wears his alcoholism as a badge of honor. It's such a turnoff.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in a better place
Posts: 1,406
Hey Suga,
I LOVED your post. I laughed out loud and the kids asked who sent the funny e-mail and what was it about. I can't believe how similar our stories are. I've absolutely gone from beer to wine to vodka to tequilla to wine to beer to gin to wine to vodka to wine and on and on thinking at some point something will solve the problem. I've hidden vodka bottles in my drawers, sneaked extra drinks even right under people's noses, bought endless numbers of "refill" bottles because I kept drinking my husbands special bottle of vodka (when I was trying to not have my own stash). And I love your comment about a drunk only counting if someone sees you and knows you're drunk. I hardly drink at all with other people now (not hard since I have no friends here yet) so I get drunk and sober before my h gets home. It seems like it defeats the purpose of drinking doesn't it? I even look forward to him traveling so I can keep drinking throught the evening. How sad that I would rather not have him come home because it interupts my drinking!
I wish I had someone to talk to out loud about this, but I really do enjoy reading all the thread in this site. I'm trying to keep my reading a secret and I even delete the site from my "internet history" each day. Maybe one day I'll tell my husband about this site, but then I'll have to tell him I really have a drinking problem. Right now he just thinks that I "may" have a problem and that I'm getting it under control.
I LOVED your post. I laughed out loud and the kids asked who sent the funny e-mail and what was it about. I can't believe how similar our stories are. I've absolutely gone from beer to wine to vodka to tequilla to wine to beer to gin to wine to vodka to wine and on and on thinking at some point something will solve the problem. I've hidden vodka bottles in my drawers, sneaked extra drinks even right under people's noses, bought endless numbers of "refill" bottles because I kept drinking my husbands special bottle of vodka (when I was trying to not have my own stash). And I love your comment about a drunk only counting if someone sees you and knows you're drunk. I hardly drink at all with other people now (not hard since I have no friends here yet) so I get drunk and sober before my h gets home. It seems like it defeats the purpose of drinking doesn't it? I even look forward to him traveling so I can keep drinking throught the evening. How sad that I would rather not have him come home because it interupts my drinking!
I wish I had someone to talk to out loud about this, but I really do enjoy reading all the thread in this site. I'm trying to keep my reading a secret and I even delete the site from my "internet history" each day. Maybe one day I'll tell my husband about this site, but then I'll have to tell him I really have a drinking problem. Right now he just thinks that I "may" have a problem and that I'm getting it under control.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Suga,
Great share!!!! You and I are neck-and-neck. Day 41 here!
Winelover,
I am still going to AA meetings. Its a huge struggle for me. BUT, I go.
Briefly, I am not a Christian, and my spiritual values are quite different than the AA model. I am a practitioner of eastern philosophy, with a very solid meditation practice. I am utilizing it heavily these days. The more I explore AA, the more liberated I become from my fear of it.
Years back, like a 100 it seems, I got sober and hated AA. I went to a spiritual advisor who nailed me on one reason: She told me that until I have a *healthy* ego, I will always avoid joining groups for fear that I will lose my self/identity to the group.
Fast Forward: Now. I hear those words as I sit in meetings and compare myself to each person, with my own attitude and criticisms. Sure, they say to "relate, not compare", but i am obvioiusly still alittle gimpy oin this area.
Then, for me, there is an idealogical problem: I am a *successful*, highly functioning, recognized author and practitioner of a form of natural healthcare that holds a different model than the Western medical model of disease. One thing I deplore is the tendency to diagnose everything, and I am aware that the way AA and other self help groups function best is by giving language and words to conditions as a framework to identify and process them. All that is fine, but I believe, it can be limiting.
I am very clear on this, yet I still go to AA and work it as if my life depends on it.
I even agree with the theories of my ex friend, yet I still go.
Why? you may ask.
I go because I want to stop drinking, and retain abstinence. I still embrace my "other" philosophies, but, the cleaner my mental state becomes, the more honest and openminded I become.
Now I don't see the negatives so much and at the very least, I am not vulnerable to them. My radar is extended above the petty personality stuff in meetings to the principles. If I raise it to a higher level, I find the beauty is broadcast there and thats what I am picking up now.
For today.
Isolation, deception, being an authority, rationalizing~~~~you name it, I can do it well.
Time for a change.
I will be pulling for you!!!
MC
Great share!!!! You and I are neck-and-neck. Day 41 here!
Winelover,
I am still going to AA meetings. Its a huge struggle for me. BUT, I go.
Briefly, I am not a Christian, and my spiritual values are quite different than the AA model. I am a practitioner of eastern philosophy, with a very solid meditation practice. I am utilizing it heavily these days. The more I explore AA, the more liberated I become from my fear of it.
Years back, like a 100 it seems, I got sober and hated AA. I went to a spiritual advisor who nailed me on one reason: She told me that until I have a *healthy* ego, I will always avoid joining groups for fear that I will lose my self/identity to the group.
Fast Forward: Now. I hear those words as I sit in meetings and compare myself to each person, with my own attitude and criticisms. Sure, they say to "relate, not compare", but i am obvioiusly still alittle gimpy oin this area.
Then, for me, there is an idealogical problem: I am a *successful*, highly functioning, recognized author and practitioner of a form of natural healthcare that holds a different model than the Western medical model of disease. One thing I deplore is the tendency to diagnose everything, and I am aware that the way AA and other self help groups function best is by giving language and words to conditions as a framework to identify and process them. All that is fine, but I believe, it can be limiting.
I am very clear on this, yet I still go to AA and work it as if my life depends on it.
I even agree with the theories of my ex friend, yet I still go.
Why? you may ask.
I go because I want to stop drinking, and retain abstinence. I still embrace my "other" philosophies, but, the cleaner my mental state becomes, the more honest and openminded I become.
Now I don't see the negatives so much and at the very least, I am not vulnerable to them. My radar is extended above the petty personality stuff in meetings to the principles. If I raise it to a higher level, I find the beauty is broadcast there and thats what I am picking up now.
For today.
Isolation, deception, being an authority, rationalizing~~~~you name it, I can do it well.
Time for a change.
I will be pulling for you!!!
MC
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