Breeze

I don't think this should be deleted at all.
Don't be embarassed - think about people that registered just to respond to you cause they really can relate.

Hugs,
Bree

Richey

It embarrasses me. Ha...but I'm drinking now...but mainly because I have to and I'm only drinking a little above the minimum. I do want to stop...I need to find help...that isn't the AA.

bikewench

Hey Richey...

nice to see ya today...

and as embarrassing as this is for you...
for me... it's a relief to know your still alive....
cause every time you come back... it gives me hope that maybe this time will be the one that sticks...

Your the only one that knows what it's gonna take to get off this joy ride Richey....

and yeah...
maybe you don't even want to...

in that case...
we'll all just hold your hand and watch you die... ;o)

That's the reality of it.

I'm sorry you lost Coffee....

Richey

I just cried at that and spent 10 minutes trying to think of something to say but i can't :/

brigid

Richey, I buried my brother this year . This stuff will kill you. In the end your mind will be all ****ed up and your body too. You can't sleep because you are very sick.

BUT you are one of us and you can see from all the posts that there is a way out. Read ... See if you can see the self pity that is twisting you to take the next drink.

Praying that you find the strength to go to AA or stop drinking.

love brigid

Richey

I know it will kill me...I'm sitting right here typing that but it still doesn't fully register. I've had liver function tests (because I have hep c, too) and my liver is swollen with fat which is apparently giving me tension in some big vien which gives me high blood pressure or something and popping viens in my throat. Apparently that's how I'll die...blood loss and drowing in my blood or something. And it sort of happened before...the coughing up blood but I can't remember it too well because that was during my last detox.
This is weirdly matter-of-fact the way I'm saying this...it's hard to feel scared and sad because at the moment I don't feel too bad...my ulcer hurts and Im' really tired but that's all.

Soul Catcher

Richey, you remind me of my husband. He has hep c and I'm sure he's going to die soon too. If you wanted help you would get it. You don't want help. You don't want to die but you don't want help. Sorry friend, you can not have it that way. Don't worry about feeling anything because soon enough you won't feel anything, you'll be dead. My husband has ulcers and all the blah blah blah that comes with alcholism. You rather do something about it or don't. Sometimes I wish death on my husband before he drives and kills someone else's loved one that IS a part of society.

Richey

I don't drive...I never learned how because i've been drinking since 15; heavily. i'm 21 and feel 30, i look 30, i look like ****. idon't want to hurt anyone, that would break my heart. Hurting my pets was hell enough, it still is hell. i used to work in an animal shelter but got fired for drinking, if my collegues knew what happened to coffee and my guinea pigs i know at least one of them would punch me in the face...and i'd gladly welcome it. Sometimes i go out and start fights with strangers just because i want to get beaten. If i can make my life **** enough then i don't feel so guilty about drinking...twisted logic, eh?
I want 'help'...I just need someone to invent a kind of help that works for me. Sometimes i want to get locked up in an asylum or prison just so i know i couldn't drink anymore because i couldn't get it. If there is drink i will drink it.

Soul Catcher

Your in the biggest hell your ever going to be in. There is a magic thing out there. It's called "quitting". If you want to beat your body up then quit giving it alcohol.
Why is it that you think the total "opposite" is punishing yourself? Your already doing that, don't you get it?
Anyway.. being locked up won't do anything. It's YOUR brain you have to be alone with. So again..your only hurting yourself. Why don't you **** yourself off and get sober? It's harder being a drunk then it is being a sober alcoholic.

lulu70

There is NO help that will work for you. You are going to have to work for it. There is no getting around that. There is no magic pill. And if you don't die, but continue to drink, you will probably end up in an asylum because the alcohol will have made you completely and permanently insane.

I am also glad to at least hear from you, to know you are still alive. As you can see, Richey, we are still here for you.

brigid

Yep, lots of my thoughts were all twisted by the need to have alcohol in my body. Chemicals making my thoughts. I lost free will to alcohol, it controlled me.

You want help Richie? They say 90 AA meetings in 90 days might help, is it worth the effort to you? Hey, can it hurt? I've read stuff on this site about people who were still drinking when they first went, but over time the thoughts in their heads got changed around enough that they found they were able to not drink.

You need help Richie? Are you ready to surrender yourself to that help for now? I remember feeling like if I could just go and shut myself up for a while and get rid of all this stuff and detox then I would be ok. But you know what is wrong with that for me, I need to survive in this world, I need to cope in this world, I need to say no to alcohol in this world. So my recovery needs to be in this world. Too, I want this to last so if it takes time that is ok.

You are on a good track by posting and admitting you have a problem, you have started, keep going, keep posting. Read about all the other people here, who are just like you ... be part of the living!

love brigid

Soul Catcher

I know you have done a butt load of damage to your body but maybe.......just maybe.....if you quit real soon you might be able to have a lot of years to enjoy. At 21 you do not know what joys lie ahead. I can promise you that with sobriety there is lots of cool s*** out there.

bahookie

Richey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so glad to see you back! I've missed your posts and thought of you often

You going to stick around?

Please?

Boy oh boy you've cheered me up today!

Thanks,
Jane
xxx

Time2Surrender

Keep this tread to remind you where alcohol/drugs take you and how they make you feel. Yeah,for years I thought I could find an easier way out too.Never did.Its time to get real dude.Get off your pity pot,take your ass to a meeting and get some help.Nobody has to drink.I drank longer than you've been on this earth and was able to stop.Its all about choices.Today I choose to be clean and sober.I cannot do this alone.The cool part is,I dont have to.Neither do you.

Richey

Drinking seems like a big indulgence and it is. I feel like I'm giving myself something I want when i drink so i've got to do something to balance it. That's why I've cut myself sometimes...it's pennance.

Richey

I wouldn't mind being in an asylum, I've been in a psychiatric hospital before...it felt like the only times I could relax and just give into help.
I can't stop drinking whilst drink still exists and is accessible to me. So, since I can't erradicate alcohol from this planet then I just want a way to keep myself away from it. I can't do that with will power alone...because I don't think I have any. I'm just not as strong as you guys.

Richey

I tried AA...but, no offence, it creeped me out...it was too cultish and the 'higher power' stuff just wouldn't stick...I don't believe in higher powers of ANY kind. Sorry.

So far all I've got is admitting I have a problem...and after a few months...admitting I'm powerless. The 12 steps would take me 10 years at this rate!

Richey

I feel like my life is over. I don't remember my teenage years...I had no fun or experiences then...I just drank and slept through it all. It's all gone and it depresses me so much. I've never had a job longer than a month...never been to university...never even had a proper relationship.
And now I'm old. I feel so old...almost middle aged. All my friends think I've had so much fun drinking and getting high but I don't think I've ever genuinely had fun in my entire life. and I still drink because I can't see that changing...if I got sober all I'd have to look forward to in life is a boring job that slowly kills me and mortgages and all that boring ****. The only reason I even want to stay alive is for vain hope it might be different...and to read a few more books. I love reading...it was my way to escape the world before I started drinking...now I haven't read in months and months...barely even newspapers now.

Richey

How did I cheer you up?

Did you think "Yay...at least I'm not as pathetic as him!" because that seems to be my only purpose on this forum at the moment...to show others what not to be like :/

Richey

But when I embarrass myself I WANT to get drunk to forget it and deal with it. I'm really shy and easily embarrassed when I'm sober...it's the main reason I ever started drinking.

I'm sober right now. Not a drink since last night and it's 4:50pm