Gideon

I just figured I would type this out, if only for my benefit, I hope nobody minds. It is kind of scary to try and comprehend, drinking was a fulltime job, not just the act in itself but the planning and methods to facilitate the act.

If I had to go to destination X, Y, and Z, then I would make sure that there was alcohol prepositioned in case I was unable to get to a store, like an army establishing a line of supply. Ready for any eventuality.

Meetings and appointments would be scheduled to make sure there was never an inordinate amount of time in between drinks. People wondered why I was always so willing to stay late at work alone.

I could take a nip from a pocket (made sure to have the right attire for this) and down it, then put it in a trashcan all in one fluid motion, never would break stride. One hand on the nip the other one on a pack of mints. It got to the point that I had certain pockets for certain items, no deviation.

I had a number of hiding spots around my house and relative's houses also. It was important to make sure these were stocked prior to Sunday, liquor stores being closed can cramp your style.

I switched to vodka, not for preference but for ease of concealment, it could be put in an empty bottle of water and placed in the rear of the fridge.

Monday mornings were designated for the dumpster run, the crash of glass on metal in the pre-dawn darkness is a distinct memory.

Drinking money was kept in a separate part of the wallet, it was considered like rent, not to be used for any other reason. I think one credit card was dedicated to booze.

If an obstacle presented itself I would adapt and modify my routine as appropiate and make sure I was not without a drink.

When I think about it I have to laugh because I really should cry. But then again I could start right back in tomorrow.

historyteach

Gideon;
That's good that you've got it out. I hope it expells those demons for you.
Today is new. Each day is. Today, you have a choice.
I'm glad you're here.

Shalom!

CarolD

Well sure! I can relate!

I always had a handbag that a pint fit in.
Emergency rations you know.

I am so pleased to see you here...we understand and many of us are in sobriety.

AA is my recovery program. Meetings are like classrooms for sober living. The more often you go...the quicker you learn.

Keep in touch...Blessings

AndrewBeen

The supermarket down the street sells hard liquor 24-7. It became my undoing.

Dave_20

dead of winter, most ppl would stay warm and get a delivery service. i would walk and freeze my toes off just because that extra 4 dollars that would have been spent on delivery could be spent on more booze.

Pick-a-name

WOW.......I had forgotten some of these things. I suspected my AH had a few more "tricks" up his sleeve,too. I tried not to take notice; several of them you have related, others our kids reported. He hasn't been living with us for quite awhile, but we were all together last week for a surgery he had out of town and that, and what you have said are really jogging my memory. How could I wonder if it was "just me'...haha. He had with him, what the kids and I refer to as "his purse"....which is a gym bag (golf is his only sport now) that he ALWAYS keeps in the car and takes with him anywhere he goes and holds on to it like it is hand-cuffed to him. I have assumed for years that it contains his "emergency stash" especially since it only appeared when the drinking started to really become a noticable problem. He went a good 20 years without his "purse".

Thanks for sharing........no wonder he is always "stressed"........just those ligistics you mentioned would be enough in themselves to wear anyone out! I can't even imagine adding blackouts to the mix. No wonder he likes living alone.

Glad you are here and have stopped this insanity! Best of luck to you.

Chy

Yes indeed, maintaining that lifestyle was exhausting! Glad you posted.

Gideon

I took a trip to Moscow a few years ago. I got drunk the first night and blacked out. Room cleaning woke me up, spoke to me in Russian, and only then did I remember where I was.

For some reason that memory just popped into my head.


EDIT: writing this out seems to helps for some reason

brigid

yep, I remember making sure by 6pm that I had the required number of beers and bottle of port to ensure that I would just black out in my chair. I remember the clatter of my garbage bin. Ah, the memories ....

I don't even think about hotels and clubs when I drive past them now, I used to know them all, the opening hours ... all that. No more.

love brigid

michaelj

Gideon,
You're right about writing things down helping. I find it very therapeutic, almost like confession in my past life as a catholic. Your dedication to alcohol and the planning involved, to say nothing of the subterfuge brought back memories. I used to open a can of diet coke, take a good chug and fill it to the brim with vodka from my secret stash. I would then sit with my wife drinking what appeared to be a soft drink.
Of course in the end the only person being fooled was me.
Michael

janeeyre

It's amazing how we all thought we were concealing it so well, when it was probably obvious to anyone who cared to notice. What a lot of wasted effort.

This past Thanksgiving, I could hardly believe how much I could smell the alcohol on the breath of people who were drinking. I used to think mints and chewing gum covered it, but I was so wrong. Good grief, the smell of booze probably emanated from my pores back in the drinking days!

Edye

It does feel better to get it in writing.

My hidden stashes:
- In my side of the closet burried in the clothes
- In my purse (vodka in the ole' water bottle)
- In my suitcase (when traveling)
- In the drawer of my desk at work (and if I got in a pinch, there was a liquor store right across the street. Would come back to the office with a brown bag hidden in my large purse and a diet coke in hand saying, "wow I really needed to go run get this diet coke" - sneaky)
- In our garage (still wonder why my husband thought I went into the garage so many times in a given night...)
- At my parents house... the thought of being there without a buzz made me panic.

I also did the early Monday morning runs to the garbage can - to quietly slide the empty bottles into the can before the garbage men came. Ditching the evidence.

You know what is so sad? I also just realized something.... on my way home from work, I would go to the same liquor store time and time again for my vodka. After catching on to my consistancy the owners would begin raise their eyebrow at me. I would (GET THIS), actually blame it on my husband. Meaning, I would tell them I was buying "yet another" bottle for him so they didn't think it was ME drinking it. Can you believe it!!!? PATHETIC. I am a horrible, horrible person. Ugh.

Also - and just as pathethic - when I would stay with friends/family in another town I would be sure to secretly identify where they kept their booze in the event my hidden stash in my suitcase ran out. You know, for emergency purposes.

It's amazing that I even remember the last couple of years at all.

I'm so glad that the lightbulb went off in my head and I am now realizing how my daily routine was dictated by this poison.

Good luck to all.

brigid

Maybe what I did when I was drunk and what I did to protect drinking was horrible, selfish, destructive, dishonest etc. But ME, I am not a horrible, horrible person because I am an alcoholic. Sober and without alcohol I do not do those things at all, so I must be ok. I have apologised as far as I can for doing hurtful, selfish things and being dishonest to people and that is the past. I am not going to kick myself for the rest of my life about that. I certainly don't want to do those things again, but I do like myself now.

I hope you don't dwell on the memory Edye for too long and it was behaviours that you exhibited not the real you.

love brigid

Edye

Thanks, Brigid.

My goal is to go home after this eye-opening business trip, ditch the hidden stashes, get sober and begin my new life. As the real me.

Thank you for the advice.

Take care,
Edye

Gideon

Edye,

When I read your post I paused and let out an audible WTF? I seriously thought I had posted and not remembered. I did the same things.

Always in my closet in a pile of clothes, I forgot about my stash once, grabbed a sweater, and nips fell out in front of my mother and girlfriend. I made up some lame story. Only one who believed it was me.

Thanks everbody for sharing your thoughts I thought I was alone on this.

michski

I hid bottles everywhere.... they were the "extra" bottles in case I ran out of the 1/2 gallon that lived on the kitchen counter.

Sometimes I hit the market early and seems like everytime I do I see someone with a bottle of booze and a dozen eggs .. maybe even a loaf of bread. I always remember when I used to do that myself stinking of booze and hands shaking.

I don't ever have to do that again... and all the craziness, insecurity and 4th steps in the world are SO worth NOT ever having to go down that path again.

chip

Wow, this brings back memories.

I switched to draft beer at my place, to avoid the empty bottle "problem". The guys at the U-BREW-IT would fill my kegs every week....and I would often tell them "I entertain quite a bit". Yeah, I entertained myself.

I kept a bottle of single malt scotch in my filing cabinet at my office.

I often kept a cooler full of beer in my car.

At the bar, I would often add a shot of wiskey to a glass of beer.

In the mornings, sometimes I would put baileys in my coffee. Most of the time I would drink 1 or 2 beers.

I kept a bottle (different bottles) of 12 year old rye behind the bathtub in our basement bathroom. That way, I could keep refilling my glass when I had a bath.

I would get drunk for the strangest reasons: I'd go out to the garage, and come back drunk. I would take a bath, and get drunk. I would go for a drive, and get drunk. I would go to work, and get drunk. For a long time, I stayed drunk all the time.

I'm so glad I'm sober today. It truly is a miracle.
chip

Gr8ful1

Gideon,

Great job on the story. Remember, you DON"T have to go do it all over again, like I did.

What I used to hate is to forget where I placed my stashes when I was completely snookered and really in need and then tear the place apart looking for the stash of booze or weed.

Then when I'd find it I wouldn't think about how absolutely INSANE THE WHOLE PROCESS WAS because I could once again be fulfilled for a short while by the POISON.

janeeyre

Wow, everyone--this is such an excellent reminder of why we don't want to go back to that way of life. I will come back and read this before going to the Christmas Eve party--it'll help keep the temptation to drink at bay, because I don't ever want to go down that path again! WAY too much effort for such rotten return.

Bless y'all
jane

Gideon

Feels good today, concentrating on Christmas rather than how to stay drunk throughout the Christmas weekend. I just picked up the Boston Globe and there was an article about an obscure Massachusetts law that requires liquor stores to close on Monday if Christmas falls on a Sunday.

In past years this would have thrown me into a frenzy, I would have had to stock up with enough booze to survive until Tuesday or I would have been planning a trip to the state of New Hampshire on Monday. Plain and simple I would have been running around like a chicken with the head cut off.

So much wasted energy to stay drunk! Really feels good this year!