Insane_Primate

Hi All,

I've been lurking awhile, thinking: Do I really need help?

I guess the sub-conscious knew something I didn't want to admit!

Any how, after I got off the phone to my wife at work a few minutes ago to find out what actually happened last night (and from what I hear I think I got off lightly, though it wasn't pretty!) I realized I need to think seriously about my life!!

Damn! I thought I was doing so well! I’ve not had more than 3 drinks in a night for weeks with 5 day stretches in between without anything ! However, by counting the bar bills in wallet this morning I must have had a bottle and a half of scotch last night!

What scares me the most is I can’t remember anything!

Sorry, not sure why I am actually, here just ranting, guess I need help.

Thanks for your time.

Justme57

Hi Oooooooops ! welcome to SR!

How well I know the feeling of not remembering what has happened! The brain drain trying to remember, and hoping I don't . What have I said and to whom? How did I get home

Dangerous stuff . On the nite of my last drink, I drove the car with no memory a t all of getting in it , I had an accident , and by the grace of God, no one was hurt or killed , could have been a whole lot different !

it frightened me enough to ring AA and stop! I had been drinking for37 years.
Best decision I ever made

HUGX
Lee

Autumn

Hi IP.... welcome to SR.

Glad you decided to get some help. It's a little late, so not many are here this time of night, but you can be sure to expect a bunch of replies tomorrow. Good people here.

I have had more blackouts than I can remember, lol. They are one of the signs of alcoholism.

Read some of the stickies at the top of the forum, and visit some of the others.

Take care, and keep posting!

Insane_Primate

Thanks Lee !

This whole idea about if you can't remember your last drink you haven't had it yet strikes a cord with me! I can't actually remember the last drink, but this has been experience I will never forget!!

Fortunately no accident for me last night, but apparently I called my wife to fetch me then, drove over the pavement to get away from her when she arrived! When she got home, I was sitting in the driveway cause I couldn't figure out how to open the gate.

Can anybody point me in the direction of some material on how much damage I've done to myself from a physical perspective? Now that I realise I'm out of control I guess I should see a doc, but I'm not sure I'm ready to be open with an outsider just yet!

I'm 31, started partying when I left school and started studying at 19, but no hint of a problem per se till my first business was liquidated in 2000. Since then, it was down hill. Looking back now, I doubt there have been more than 30 days when I haven't had a drink and way too many when I tried to finish the bottle!!

A few weeks ago I decide to get into shape and since then I haven't drank in the week, but have tended to go overboard on weekends.

Have I done irreparable damage to myself physically?

chip

Hey Insane-
I can relate.

I used to count my drinks, and try and keep a "schedule" of drinking (ie having 3 in a night). I used to think it was good to limit myself. I eventually asked my self why I HAD to think this way. Other "normal" drinkers arn't obsessed with numbering their drinks daily etc....

I used to have black outs just like you describe. Bar reciepts to figure how much you drank...Been there, done that. I've had my wife tell me what I did the night before. I've wondered if I needed help. I wondered if "normal" drinkers ever had stuff like this happen.

I'm an alchoholic. What you describe, insane primate, sounds alot like me.

Welcome to SR. You are at a good place, and you are not alone. Keep posting!
chip

chip

Hi again. I see you posted your last post, as I wrote my last one.

I went and saw my doctor when I quit drinking. I went through withdrawal, and saw the doc 10 days after I quit. I'm 31 as well. Gosh, your story sounds familiar to me. I'm 66 days sober right now.

My advice to you, if you want to read it...quit drinking. See your doctor. Work on a recovery program (AA, Smart recovery)
peace out,
chip

Insane_Primate

Thanks Autumn, re. the stickies,have read them, but will do again now with my different view on things.

It's amazing how, even though I actually searched for this web site a few weeks ago I was still viewing it with the attitude that none of it actually applied to me!

I actually feel lucky this morning that I have a new perspective on my drinking without having caused an accident or physically harm to others. (Since I’m letting it all out so to speak: What I didn’t mention in my first post is I woke up with my knife in my hand ! How it got there, or what I was intending to do with it is another question, but at least it was blood free!!)

chip

Insane- The knife would have me worried as well. There are guys in prison who don't remember committing their crimes. Bet many of them wished they quit drinking before something bad happened.
chip

Autumn

That I can definitely relate to (except the prison part).

Insane_Primate

Thanks Chip! I hear you! My state does sound similar, my thinking about how "normal" people drink was exactly the same! None of my friends keep track or have to consciously think about how much they are drinking ! That actually annoyed me !

I must say, and this will probably sound clichéd, but acknowledging the problem like I have here is like a weight off my shoulders. I actually feel like I can face my doc and tell him the truth ! I even believe I can stop drinking.

Regarding quiting, as I've mentioned in the last few weeks I've gone for up to 6 days without touching anything, and without any side effects other than the constant mental struggle not to drink. Should I expect any physical effects of withdrawal after 6 days or should the effects have passed by then?

Autumn

You can.

That's about average. Read the sticky "What to Expect" again for others' experiences. It's a great thread.

I'm sorry I have to sign off here IP; it's 3am where I'm at.

Goodnite.

Insane_Primate

No worries Thanks for the support, despite the hangover I feel like a new man ! I will beat this thing !!

CarolD

Hello....Welcome to SR!

I suggest you get info on the disease of alcoholism.

"Under The Influence" and it's sequal "Beyond The Influence"
are carried by Amazon.

Blessings....

Pick-a-name

Wow: what timing. Just sitting here thinking about my family; husband in particular. Wondering how it could be that he actually believes I have made up and exaggerated things the kids and I have recounted about events while he was drinking. I see now from what has been posted here that he probably really doesn't remember..........(I can understand why he would want to forget).

IP, great that you have realized that quitting is best for you; especially before you have caused yourself too much harm. My husband has not made that choice; at least yet. Instead he has chosen drinking over our 27 year marriage and our two kids. Best of luck to you!

CarolD

Pick..."Under" explains blackouts on Page 119.
I hope you have a copy by now.

Hugs

Irish Virus

Consider yourself lucky. Next time you might not get another chance and wind up behind bars. You won't have to worry about stop drinking then as you rot away in a jail cell..This was your wake up call.

As heavy of a drinker as I was, I never had a blackout like that. From what I have been told, getting blackouts is advanced alcoholism. Especially waking up with a knife in your hands. I'd be scared $hitless if I were you. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. So if you dry out for awhile and decide to live it up again with your buddies, your blackout will probably be worse.

Only your doctor can tell you how fugged up you are physically. AA can help with how screwed up you are spiritually which is just as or IMO more important than physically.

Good luck.

chip

Hey IP, How's it going?

Keep hanging around SR. You'll find a great bunch, who will help you with your struggle. AA is my recovery program of choice. When I have a bad day, a meeting makes it better.
chip

Insane_Primate

Thanks all for the suggestions.

Chip - Will definitely be hanging around here for some guidance and the help to stay on track.

CarolD – Heading to a big books store right now to see if I can get my hands on those!

Pick – 2 days ago your husband and I probably thought the same way, but all it takes is one experience to hit home like it did for me and the path to recovery is opened

Irish Virus – Agreed, the mental / spiritual aspect is important. I’m fortunate enough to have a loving supportive wife to help me through this. I know it’s going to be tough mentally, but at this point I’m more scared about the unknown i.e. how much damage have I done physically. I must confess, I didn’t get up the courage to go to the doc yesterday!

Thanks again to all !! It’s like a switch has flipped in my mind, I will beat this !!

Chy

Welcome IP!
I'm glad to hear your working on a life change. Keep reading, keep learning, keep posting. If sobriety is for you, you'll find a lot of support here. Try to find a means of support in your area as well, most can't do it alone!

Do go for that check up with your doc, it will give you a good baseline of progress as your days of sobriety rack up. Alcohol has so many consequence not only to our health and relationships and sense of self your going to appreciate how healthy you become. Good luck and keep posting!

brigid

I always had blackouts when I was drinking with no restrictions. There were a few times that I did limit how much I drank but they were towards the end of my drinking and the effort was huge. I always had blackouts of memory and I suspect that there was a personality change, though I wasn't really there to observe it. It was just like my mother for me, I watched her go from Dr Jeckyll to Mr Hyde on so many occasions. Same for me. And the things that I had to live down were humiliating, how I refused to see that every time I was in a drinking situation is the puzzle, the puzzle of alcohol.

No puzzle anymore, I am an alcoholic and I can't ever have that first drink. When you let the truth in, that is when healing can start, you can get smarter than that alcoholic voice.

well done,
love brigid